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[Is that a ridiculously fat little Houndour in a gold party hat? Yes. Yes it is. Doom Boner looks thrilled. He's sitting in a plush looking yellow chair with a rocket ship chew toy between his paws. As usual, Jack himself isn't in the shot.]

How's everybody doing today? Handsome Jack here!

I sure hope everybody's doing great. Why? Because according to a little alert on my ECHOgear here, today's a very important day. In fact, it's the anniversary of one of the greatest things to ever happen. And you all get to be a part of it.

It's my birthday!

[And he really does sound pleased about this. Why wouldn't he be? Usually, on his birthday, he's lavished with attention and expensive gifts and all the pomp and adoration he deserves. Why should now be any different?]

I like classy booze, fine cigars, hot chicks in hats...all the good stuff.

And before anyone asks, no, vanilla is not an acceptable cake flavor.

It's vanilla.

Vanilla sucks.

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[Congratulations, Hanna, Jack's invested enough in this conversation to actually make an appearance personally. The 'gear screen turns after the feed switches to private, so they can actually talk.]

[He'll come back to that 'fixed me up' comment later.]

Those are terrible, kiddo! The husky one doesn't even make any sense, does he look like a husky?

That other one though...that's exactly the kind of stupid crap the target demographic probably loses its shit for.

And you came up with'em quick.

Give me one for...two Meowth hugging.

[That's cute, right? Crap, where's his teenage girl right hand man when he actually needs her...]

[have fun getting him to bring it up again. That's one of his don't ask, don't tell subjects. Also hey there dude! He doesn't know how to do private filters yet, but have a silly looking ginger with dorky glasses. Exactly what you expected, right?]

It was a dog pun, it...it made sense. [If you squint really hard.]

Um, cat puns...You've got to be kitten me if you think I'd forget your birthday.

Or...Meow I've got you right where I want you. [They just get worse as he goes on.]

No, I got it, I'm just saying it only works if the dog on the card is actually a husky dog. Boner's a Houndour.

Shit, these are awful. [Not that Handsome Jack can be trusted on what's good and what's not, the man owns a unicorn he named Butt Stallion and makes up half the words he uses in product descriptions. 'Synergization' and 'versanamic' were not words in any language.]

We're gonna make a ton of money. I'll take some pictures tomorrow. I got another 'cute' Pokemon, this little goat thing. Teenage girls think she's cute.

[And use his Rocket access to avoid printing or material costs.]

[And that's how Hanna unknowingly made a business partner out of a criminal. Maybe that'll give him 'I won't steal your pokemon' amnesty.]

Slap on some fur effects in photoshop or something and it should be fine. I mean, if you've walked through the greeting card section lately some of that shit is made in basic MS paint. It's sad.

[Though wait a minute...] Is it a Skiddo? I heard those things can jump over ledges. [Where did you get it Jack, he wants one.]

I do not pay any attention to greeting cards. I'm a multi-trillionaire, my assistants have assistants to do that.

Yeah, a skiddo. I guess? I haven't tried out the ledges, gravitational anomalies aren't usually happy fun things. But when she grows up, she'll be big enough to ride, so that's awesome.

That must be nice. [He can't even fit his head through the only window in his apartment. Or reach if for that matter. He's trying not to keep his expression as the flat irritation that he's kind of feeling right now. He's all smiles, promise.]

And yeah, yeah...Where did you get it? I figure it'd be nice to not be forced to walk around every ledge I see. [He's climbed over quite a few fences in his day, so the fact that he can't do it to these? Well. It kind of pisses him off.]

It was. And don't give me that look, I know that look, I get it here all the time where nobody's heard of me. I earned everything I had the hard way, hand over fist from nothing. Started out just like this, a couple of ideas and some opportunity. Something to think about. Great things, humble beginnings...

Oh, my...Mafuyu got her for me. [What the hell does he even classify Mafuyu as at this point?] I forget where she came from originally, somebody else, I think. Honestly, she's probably the best of my team.

[He's caught and he knows it, but whether or not that's just bullshit he's made up to make people like him more, it does work a little. People deserved nice things. It's just, when you say that you've got assistants for your assistants it doesn't make you feel any sympathy for the person, really. Multi-trilliondaire. Jesus christ is that a lot of fucking zeros.]

Okay, okay. I won't do it any more. Or I'll try not to. I figure if you came from the dirt too, you'd at least be sympathetic. You can't tell me you didn't get a little jealous and bitter when you were in my shoes. I mean, you named your dog Doom Boner, you're no mother Teresa.

[But, huh. He has no idea who Mafuyu is, but maybe if he sees her, he'll ask.] Huh...I guess I'll just have to look then. I've just got the two so far...Amelia is the best though, so hopefully I can get some more.

Of course I did! Just be bitter and jealous at the people who deserve it. Not the guy who just lost his fortune and is trying to build it back up, and bring you along.

You hope you can get more? ...they're literally everywhere. You throw balls at wild ones, that's it. The entire point of existence on this world is 'get more Pokemon'.

Hey, since you work for me now, you're an official Hyperion employee! You want a Handsome Cat? I'm swimming in'em!

[By which he means a Meowth. Trained by him. And sporting a Hyperion yellow collar with a round gold nametag bearing only an 'H'. He's given them out to a couple others, it's both a gift to foster loyalty and a way to make sure his people have a constant reminder of him.]

You have a very valid point. [Though he's pretty sure that as a writer for shitty greeting cards, it's not going to be millions of dollars.] I apologize.

[And while it is true that you can just wildly throw your balls around, catching animals and forcing them to fight each other in some how legal animal fighting rings, he just doesn't want all of them, he wants to build a fun little team.] Well, yeah. But I don't want just any, you gotta be choosy. What if it's gonna be mean to Amelia or Steven fights with them? It's like building a small little family. A bad ass family that kicks ass but also knows how to kick back and cuddle on shitty days.

[Or at least that's his goal. Though, he's wondering now if this is a good idea...who knows. He'll just have to see.] Okay, boss. Hanna Cross at your service, though...you never told me your name.

And...why is it called a handsome cat? [He wants one probably, but...why?]

Me? I'm Handsome Jack. Hero of Pandora, Savior of Elpis, President of Hyperion, Slayer of Vault Monsters...basically the coolest guy you'll ever meet!

And that's why they're called Handsome Cats.

They're not exactly badass, but you level'em up and they poop money every day.

[Oh, this kid has it right. That's a Pokemon catching philosophy after Jack's own heart. Hell, he's literally paying trainers to catch him Pokemon, the specification for which is simply 'badass'.]

[Hanna knows a guy he thinks is cooler, but that's all person opinion anyways. He won't tell his new boss that.] Okay Jack, got it.

[Not that it'd crush his masculinity to call him Handsome, guy has...a nice face, but it just seemed weird. Like calling Lust, lust. But he figured if he had a problem leaving it out, he'd just have to tack it back on there.]

Got it. And hat's pretty handy...am I allowed to give it a name when I get it? Or is it forever a Handsome Cat?

Nah, call it whatever you want. I ran out of names real quick. I just call'em collectively Handsome Cats 'cause I got like a dozen of'em.

So I assume since you're pretty new, you're on the road headed to Goldenrod?

Sweet...If it's a cat I'll have to think of a good one. It's just unfortunate that I have to think of all these names off the top of my head! Like, Amelia Earhart was easy, but they're just going to get harder and harder as I go on.

[He isn't sure where goldenrod is, but that's okay. He'll figure it out.] I think so? I'm in Cherrygrove right now.

It's...kind of a cat. It really wants to be cat.

Yeah, Goldenrod's the first major city you'll hit. It's where I've got my place.

If ifs a meowth it'll definitely look like one when if it evolves. Though persians always looked mean to me...but I bet they'd be nice if you raised it right.

[It might take me a while but itd be worth it.]

Is there a major department store there?

Yeah, it's a Meowth. They're all Meowths. Which I find a stupid as hell name. And they don't make money if you evolve'em.

And yeah, Goldenrod's got a big-ass department store. I mean, big-ass for this world.

Oh...i didn't know that.

[He wondered why giovanni wanted it over the pursian then? He figured free money was kinda cool. And probably how team rocket always managed to build those weird machines in the show.]

Okay, big department store. Sounds good. Maybe then i can see about getting a glasses cleaner kit. Hiking is kinda hard on them...

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How the hell did this happen and what is Hanna doing with his life?

Welcome to threading with Handsome Jack, I am SO SORRY...

I am canon blind and I think it's even funnier that way.

Omg I am SO SORRY....

It's totally okay xD I love being canon blind. It just means we're both in for a ride xD

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