[Ryan can't meet his eyes anymore. He glances downward. This isn't how he wants this conversation to turn, but without the ability to just brush off the fact that he doesn't like himself this way, it's the only way it could possibly go.]

...Yeah, I do. If I'm not, I'll just stay shitty forever, you know? At least this way I know I suck and can try to...to. I dunno.

[He trails off. The realization is hitting him that it doesn't actually work most of the time, but...well. Maybe he's doing this wrong too.]

...Try to do something about it, I guess.

[Like laugh it off. Change the subject. Smile and make sure no one else sees this dark unhappy part that rises up in him whenever he messes up. Disappear to process things alone, so he doesn't drag other people down with him when he's drowning.]