victory_road | action

Entry tags:

action

Who: Kaz and whoever wants to deal with this

Where: Ecruteak

When: August 16th

Summary: Kaz has another go-round with the usual PTSD, despite being pretty sure he was over it by now. Apparently not.

Rating: Let's... go with PG-13 or R because torture flashbacks may get graphic.

[watching the dancers had been nostalgic. fun, even. as he leaves, he walks slowly, looking up at the architecture of the city. it really is familiar, but different in a way, too, one that he can't quite put his finger on. but out of the corner of his eye, down an alley, he catches sight of... a ghost? not the strangest thing he's ever seen, it is o-bon and maybe things are different in this world, more literal--]

[--and then he recognizes the ghost, with one of those green Diamond Dogs jackets they'd had in the early days, before Snake-- the Phantom was around, and his blood runs cold. come to think of it, that guy had been the last one. the last soldier he'd caught sight of before the mist had made seeing more than a few feet impossible, and the Skulls had swept down on them, blind and isolated.]

[it's a ghost, Kazuhira. he tells himself. a shade, the man isn't alive, you watched (heard) him get killed. or it could be an illusion, a trick, he thinks, but even in his head the accusation rings hollow. no one here knew what that man had looked like. but the spirit can't hurt him, it's immaterial, not that it should even want to. to the last moment that man had been alive, Kaz had been a good commander, trying to regroup and salvage an unwinnable situation, there would be nothing to be angry about--]

[--but Kaz starts to shake and can't stop. phantom pain shoots up his arm, and he grips at what remains of his arm with a hiss. there's nothing dangerous about this ghost, he reminds himself, grits his teeth, tries to forcibly calm himself and slow his breathing, his leg hurts--]

[mist darkness pain handcuffs hacksaw darkness questions questions questions hacksaw]

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[Snake can't believe that he's seeing this. What the hell was wrong with Kaz? He wondered what was going on and when he saw what Kaz was seeing he could hardly believe it.]

Kaz....

[He gripped onto his comrade and could feel the poor guy shaking. This had to be some sort of illusion, right? There was no way that this could all be real. Right now, he was focused in snapping Kaz out of whatever it was.]

....Kaz! Tell me, what's happening?

[~~handcuffs darkness pain~~ Kaz's muscle memory is alive and well, despite everything that's going on in his head, and something touches him. on instinct, he slams his left elbow backwards into his attacker's stomach and pivots on his left foot, throwing his body weight into a--]

[--right punch, which doesn't connect. ~~bright, bright lights in his face, in his eyes~~ his teeth are bared and he's breathing harder and his heart's pounding in his throat, why didn't that work--]

[~~ghosts of words in Russian~~ --still, he aims a left-handed upward palm strike at his adversary's nose and shifts his weight backwards to prepare for retreat, where is his arm?]

Edited 2016-08-16 20:12 (UTC)

[Snake felt each blow that Kaz was throwing at him. It totally threw him off guard, as he felt the breath being knocked out of him at the elbow. Damn, that hurt. He soon recovered after a few heavy pants and managed to dodge the right hook and then quickly thrust up his hand to block the vicious palm strike to his nose. Years of training, Big Boss's or otherwise, had taught him how to block enemy's moves. CQC at it's best. Should Snake subdue him? No. Kaz was having some sort of hallucination or something was playing with his mind. The ghosts? Snake was starting to suspect as much. That, or something was seriously wrong with his comrade. PTSD flashback? It could happen to any man.]

Kaz! It's me!

[Snake wasn't sure if Kaz even knew it was him standing behind him. He went to grab hold of his friend's only arm to try and stop him punching him again.]

Snap out of it!

Edited 2016-08-16 21:41 (UTC)

[~~the slow drip drip drip of water~~ touching Kaz, once again, proves to be the wrong move, because the part of his brain locked into combat registers the catch as preparation for a throw, and he front kicks with the leg on the same side, his left one--]

[--which, although he does not weaponize it deliberately, is very much the metal foot--]

[--straight into his attacker's gut as he wrenches his arm free. ~~screaming that won't stop, screaming so hard his throat is raw and his voice is cracking~~ he stumbles backwards, still shaking, half here and half not. he can't win a battle on two fronts, can't wrestle with the memories inside his own head and fend off a physical assault at the same time, so he ends up somewhere in-between, succeeding at neither. for a moment, he seems to check out of reality entirely, just stands there--]

[--hours, days, the sort of infinite unreal time that only occurs in the darkness without a clock, wondering if he'd made the right decision, if he'd really thrown off some of the people on Snake's tail, if Snake was okay after all these years--]

[--before he wrenches his head back into the real world, tries to focus on his breathing and the feeling of his own chest rising and falling, that he's here, not there. now that he has some distance from the Phantom and he's not a threat, it's as if Phantom's stopped existing to Kaz.]

[shit. did he just hit somebo--~~"where is Big Boss, where is Big Boss, где босс, где босс, где большой босс"~~]

[Snake felt the kick to his leg and it hurts. The metal prosthetic got him straight on the shin and he couldn't help but stumble back and wince in pain.]

Shit!

[Snake grabbed his leg and felt part of it numb with the pain, whilst still trying to steady Kaz. It seemed any touch provoked the blond to lash out at him. Did he think Snake was the enemy? It seemed a valid enough reason. He didn't want Kaz to hit him anymore, so kept a bit of distance from the man but instead used his voice.]

Kaz! I'm not your enemy! It's me....it's Big Boss!

[There. He said it. Perhaps, that would help his friend snap out of his hallucination.]

[he's not being attacked anymore and his head starts to clear a little, even if he's on guard, waiting for retaliation. he blinks, tries to assess the threat ~~the feeling of burlap on his face~~, and... it's Snake. belatedly, the words catch up with him as Snake identifies himself. yeah, Kaz had just ~~the rank smell of piss~~ kicked him pretty hard.]

Shit. Sorry, I...

['am just totally losing my shit like someone who can't keep it together, don't mind me'. a slow, shaky breath.]

I just need a minute.

[Snake almost breathed out a sigh of relief when Kaz eventually realised the man behind him was not an enemy. He wasn't angry with the blond. Just concerned. Worried? Yep.]

Don't worry about it. You couldn't help it.

[He decided to give the blond some breathing space after his episode. Snake didn't know what the hell had caused Kaz to go crazy but he had some ideas. PTSD showing it's ugly head once more or....ghosts. Pokémon ghosts. He had heard rumours that they might manifest at the event.]

You alright?

[that same fucking placating attitude makes him want to scream ~~cold mist beading on his skin~~, but he grits his teeth.]

Yeah. Just need a minute. Like I said.

[he forces a growl into his voice, the kind he uses to make troops listen and to make himself seem bigger than he is, but the words are far from steady. he leans back onto the wall behind him ~~handcuffs~~, and just slowly slides to the ground until he's sitting with his back against it.]

[then, belatedly, as if it isn't obvious:]

Just... Don't touch me again.

["Just don't touch me again." Why did that sting more than it should? The guy just needed space and Snake was going to give him that. It was a foolish thing to think Kaz didn't want the old soldier to be near him. Physical contact was what triggered the PTSD off worse. Did Snake contribute to that just by touching him? Shit.]

It has to be the ghosts doing this. People said they might come out and play with us. Don't know how playing with someone's mind and memories is a game though.

[The last words growled out in anger. He wasn't amused by the ghosts game if it even was the ghosts. It just felt like something else was at work here. Kaz seemed fine that past few weeks in the Pokémon world. Only now had this PTSD episode happened. On the night of the ghost festival.]

You need a drink?

No. And that's not supposed to be real.

[going someplace that has people and consuming something to screw up his senses sounds like about the worst possible idea right now, especially as he's fighting down paranoia and the feeling he might be attacked. sure, if he wasn't in the middle of an episode, there's always using alcohol to cope, but Kaz has never been a fan of drowning his sorrows-- too many people rely on him for him to allow himself that kind of weakness, and he'd be dead by the time he drank enough to deal with everything, anyway.]

[but he speaks more slowly than usual, trying to focus on his still-shaky breathing and the process of speaking ~~glowing blue eyes in the darkness~~, because trying to do the whole 'mindfulness' thing and parse the massive amounts of adrenaline flooding his body makes holding a conversation a difficult multitask. almost reflexively, he resorts to explaining something to the Phantom, because somehow that's something he can do on autopilot.]

Bon's a celebration of each person's ancestors, sure. And they say their spirits come back and visit-- each household sets out a... that's not important. But it's not actually real. Obviously it's not, or we'd know. But I'm assuming it's literal here.

[okay, he's pretty sure that's singlehandedly the shittiest explanation he's ever given about anything, and that includes the memory he is currently reliving of being slung across ~~Snake~~ the Phantom's back and trying to warn him about the Skulls.]

It's just a ghost. It's not messing with my anything.

[Kaz's reactions are all his own, after all. the ghost even looks concerned, taking a step or two towards Kaz with a frown.]

[What was supposed to be real in this place? Snake had come to realise that this world was far different from his own. Pokémon that could become ghosts and manifest in strange ways was far into the realms of the supernatural for one old soldier. Why couldn't things be simple?]

Sounds like it. Pokémon that are ghosts. Whatever next.

[Snake sighed and ran a hand through his hair, adjusting his ponytail slightly. How long would these ghosts plague people? Kaz didn't need some ghost aggravating him like this and causing him to re-live past horrific memories.]

When you hit me, did you think I was the enemy? Were you back in Afghanistan?

[It was something Snake still thought about. If Kaz had PTSD, surely having limbs removed would leave a horrible mental scar. They both had scars but that? Snake couldn't imagine what pain the guy went through.]

Yeah. Sorry.

[he doesn't bother to correct 'were' to 'are'. it's dying down. he's pulled himself out of it, mostly. and it wasn't as bad as some of the old ones. ~~hacksaw~~ a phantom pain shoots through him. but he's fine. it'll be fine.]

[but he frowns and looks the Phantom over for damage. well, he doesn't look like he's bleeding, at least. or in a large amount of pain.]

That guy-- [he waves at the ghost, still not looking at it] --he was the last one I saw before the Skulls took us down. He was one of the ones from nine years ago, but I wouldn't be surprised if you didn't recognize him. It'd have been a long time and, well, you wouldn't exactly have met him again.

You don't need to apologise.

[The poor guy had been through enough without having to relive events again in the form of flashbacks. They were always a bitch. Venom knew all about them, since he often had flashbacks during sleep or even when daydreaming. It was like his shrapnel horn was making him remember who he really was....or wasn't.]

There were lots of guys back then. Things have gotten hazy since the coma, I'd doubt I'd recognize him even now.

[Yeah. Snake hated that his memories had been tampered with since becoming Big Boss. Even when he was a medic he knew some of the other guys; the regular soldiers at MSF. As himself, not Big Boss. But things were jumbled now with Big Boss's memories inlaid onto his own. So much shit had happened to his memory.]

This could have happened to me. I might have lashed out at you thinking you were Quiet when she tried to strangle me back at the hospital.

[Yeah. That was an unpleasant memory alright.]

[it's... a fair point. 'one of the guys from back then' had meant one of about thirty people to Kaz for awhile now, while to the Phantom, that still meant one of hundreds. the ghost circles around Kaz's side, frowning, then looks at the Phantom, as if to say 'I don't know what's going on, is he okay?'. Kaz turns away again, deliberately not looking at it.]

I did hit you, that warrants some kind of apology.

Do you still have nightmares about the hospital?

Edited 2016-08-28 14:55 (UTC)

You hit me but it wasn't your fault. Doesn't count as assault, Kaz.

[He shot his friend a knowing smirk and felt down the front of his shin. It hurt but it would heal.]

Yeah. Sometimes when I close my eyes at night I see him. Ishmael. Big Boss. Whatever you want to call him. I see him bandaged up back at the hospital telling me I'm talking to myself.

[All that time Venom had no idea the guy in the bandage was him.]

Edited 2016-08-28 21:23 (UTC)

[that's... really messed up. and an unsurprising way for your subconscious mind to react to being a deeply hypnotized body double. and also, absolutely Kaz's fault, given that he'd been the one to throw that information out there in the first place.]

[the answer to "would the Phantom have been happier not knowing" is looking like a resounding 'yes' at this point. and Kaz feels somewhat guilty about that. nowhere near as guilty as he probably should, but it flickers across his face for a second, anyway.]

Maybe those'll be the kind that fade over time. Some of them stop coming so often, or fade in intensity, or are close enough to the same that you get used to them.

[Yeah, it is pretty messed up. A guy who has someone else's memories implanted inside of his head. Someone else's body imprinted over their own. It was totally fucked up and Venom had to deal.]

Yeah, I hope so. I can't afford to be plagued by them during missions. [What if he suffered PTSD or a flashback during combat or a mission? He would be unfit for duty.]

That's if we ever get back home.

No, you can't. But it ends up happening anyway, so you need to learn to live with it. Figure out what sets you off and do your best to avoid it.

[or, do what Kaz did, and deliberately set yourself off so badly and so often that you eventually get numb to a particular trigger, then rinse and repeat for all your common triggers. but he's not recommending that route unless it proves necessary.]

Look at it this way, you've probably got time to figure it out before we're headed back home.

[He nodded and knew Kaz was right. He would have to live with it and adapt to whatever happened to him in the future.]

I've got plenty of time it seems. We're not going anywhere. At least not out of this place. I just hope Diamond Dogs is in one piece when we get back home.

[Snake didn't dare think of the base being destroyed like it was before back at MSF.]

[he has been... not thinking about that. it's outside his control, so it's not worth worrying about, but...]

They'll be fine. They're not helpless, and there's enough of an established hierarchy that they can take care of themselves for a bit.

Yeah, you're right. It's just that I think about the men and everything back home. A lot. [No shame in admitting that, right? It was his home.]

Yeah.

[he's quiet for a moment]

You're a good leader, that they're never far from your mind.

I dream about being back at base most nights. Just standing on the Command Platform by your side, looking down at what we achieved.

[Sentimental? Perhaps.]

[he immediately wants to turn and snarl that it's not what you achieved, snapping whatever fragile peace he has with the Phantom's existence in half, but... he's tired. the flashback took a lot out of him, and for once, he doesn't want to fight.]

[and it is what the Phantom achieved, he realizes, when he lets the blind fury go. what the two of them did. and Ocelot, as much as Kaz would love to discount his contributions. and Diamond Dogs had done pretty well. it wasn't the dream Kaz had envisioned, really. that was dead. but it was... something. they'd built something, and that was worth taking pride in. whether or not Kaz felt any real connection to it.]

It was pretty at night, wasn't it? And it beats nightmares.

Yeah, it was pretty at night. I liked it when the sunset shone on the rippling waves just below the platforms.

[Well, there you go. Snake was actually being romantic or something. Even he didn't know such words could fall from his lips. Perhaps it was this place turning him into a civilian almost? A man who could feel.]

Anything beats nightmares. Waking up in a cold sweat with your sheets wrapped around your ankles is no fun.

[Kaz nods. it's normally not a thing to admit to, but he's already rattled and his guard's down.]

Yeah. Honestly, I haven't slept well for years. I mean, it's not that I'm always dreaming about things-- I think at some point I started being afraid of having dreams, so my body panics and wakes itself up all the time.

Edited 2016-10-01 17:35 (UTC)

[Snake didn't like admitting that he had nightmares. It made him feel weak. He was meant to be a strong leader. Yet, he could speak about things that made him feel vulnerable with Kaz. He was more than just a friend.]

We're both in the same boat. Seeing things we shouldn't have and been through things we shouldn't have.

[Traumatic things.]

If you ever have one of those dreams, speak to me. Over the network, whatever. I'm here for you, Kaz.

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action

action; because you need him, buddy

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