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victory_road2020-02-13 09:42 pm
spacebaloney) wrote in victory_road2020-02-13 09:42 pm
» video
[Welcome Staryutube viewers! There might be a video that someone may or may not have paid a good amount of money to get on the Trending page that features Lance and Shadowmaru in a collab project. The video opens up with cuts of Lance slathering a very Haunter purple clay mask on Maru’s face, then a quick slide of them relaxing back in a couple of recliners, towels wrapped around their heads while weird music plays, and then Lance gazing lovingly into a hand mirror because what is Lance without loving himself?]
Hey Pokemen and Pokegals out there! It’s me, The Sharpshootin’ Loverboy, Lance, and I’m here with the marvelous Shadowmaru of TheDarkWolfFashion and we’re here to save the day. What day? Valentine’s Day. Why? Because some of you are hot messes out there [and for a split second, a picture of Keith flashes on the screen] and I can’t live knowing you’re out there trying to get some Netflix and chill with split ends and dry skin on the day of love.
Indeed. My dear friend is absolutely correct. [How Shadowmaru can talk with that mask all over his face is a mystery. At least he’s not doing the Anime Chin Pose.] I shall allow him to handle the mystery of romance, while I, the Ninja Detective, will be your go-to consultant for poise. And, of course, the art of self-maintenance.
Which is pretty damn important if you get banged tomorrow and wanna keep getting banged. And speaking of that, let’s jump right into our Top Five Tips and Tricks To Looking and Feeling Good on Valentine’s Day, Pokemon-Style!
[Lance leans into the camera and points at the unseen audience.]
But first remember to smash that like button and hit subscribe and remember to tap that little Soothe Bell on both our channels so you’ll get notified the second we get a new video out.
[And Shadowmaru bows. Somehow. With a towel on his head.]
We would be so grateful. However… I think, my dearest friend, we should begin with those coveted tips. Perhaps those facials you described earlier? A face, after all, is the first impression one leaves… when one wishes to leave an impression at all.
[Gee thanks buddy, that’s not as mysterious as you think it is. The sudden swirl of sparkle from an unseen Pokemon. Though the cry of his Amaura off-screen is pretty telling.]
I cede the floor. At least, until, it comes time to prescribe my Secret Hand Technique!
[Bowing with towels on your head is a skill only Maru and Lance are skilled at. Don’t even try to imitate them. Also Secret Hand Technique? Maru, this is a PG-13 network.]
Look at my mans here. [Lance reaches out to frame Maru’s head with his hands.] See his face? You want his face? Well, you can’t have it, but you can have something like it. Just mix up a pint of Moomoo Milk from your friendly neighborhood Miltank [this time, the picture that flashes onscreen is one of Lance’s own Miltank and there’s a big red X on her face and the words NOT FRIENDLY AT ALL] with a teaspoon of honey and a teaspoon of oatmeal and put that bitch on your mug. Rinse off after 10 minutes and you’re gonna look so hot that all your Fletchtinder fury swipes will be right.
[And that dumb moronic grin on Lance’s face thinks this pun hit just right.]
Be certain to do so only after mastering the care and maintenance of your hands, of course!
[Shadowmaru’s turn to grab Lance. Or, specifically, Lance’s hands. Holding them up to the camera for display. And… more sparkles. That poor Amaura.]
See how cleanly he keeps his nails? How soft the undersides of the joints are? You, too, may find yourself with such well-maintained, striking digits. With the application of sea salt rub after every bath, followed by…[He trails off for a moment.] Lubrication? [A beat.] Ah, no. Lotion. Human hands require the use of lotion.
[Lance raises his eyebrows and snickers at the word lubrication because he is forever twelve.]
Speaking of hands, guys, nails. Please, ya gotta cut them. If only for the action you get tomorrow, cut and file them. Nothing is worse than an unhappy chick because yours are too long, too ragged, too sharp. Don’t do sharp. Girls don’t like sharp nails. I speak from experience. [Did he just waggle his eyebrows?] Like teeth, no one likes sharp nails near their crot--
[And because Lance needs to keep his channel in good standing with Staryutube’s TOS, it’ll be good to end the video there. BUT NO, there’s still two more tips to give including how to persuade an Incineroar with a bevy of Pokepuffs to give someone a warming backrub when your arms are just too noodly to do any good. ]
[Mercifully, Shadowmaru takes the video back before anything goes awry. By now, he’s posed for the camera completely, a dramatic draft of wind blowing in off the water. Sorry, Lance.]
And that, dear viewers, is how to utterly prepare yourself, and your beloved on this coming day of romance. Follow our instructions, and you are sure to…
[He then whips off his towel with the most exaggerated flourish, dramatically revealing… glittering purple hair.]
… Astound!
[... thankfully, that’s that. The end. Like, comment, subscribe.]
Hey Pokemen and Pokegals out there! It’s me, The Sharpshootin’ Loverboy, Lance, and I’m here with the marvelous Shadowmaru of TheDarkWolfFashion and we’re here to save the day. What day? Valentine’s Day. Why? Because some of you are hot messes out there [and for a split second, a picture of Keith flashes on the screen] and I can’t live knowing you’re out there trying to get some Netflix and chill with split ends and dry skin on the day of love.
Indeed. My dear friend is absolutely correct. [How Shadowmaru can talk with that mask all over his face is a mystery. At least he’s not doing the Anime Chin Pose.] I shall allow him to handle the mystery of romance, while I, the Ninja Detective, will be your go-to consultant for poise. And, of course, the art of self-maintenance.
Which is pretty damn important if you get banged tomorrow and wanna keep getting banged. And speaking of that, let’s jump right into our Top Five Tips and Tricks To Looking and Feeling Good on Valentine’s Day, Pokemon-Style!
[Lance leans into the camera and points at the unseen audience.]
But first remember to smash that like button and hit subscribe and remember to tap that little Soothe Bell on both our channels so you’ll get notified the second we get a new video out.
[And Shadowmaru bows. Somehow. With a towel on his head.]
We would be so grateful. However… I think, my dearest friend, we should begin with those coveted tips. Perhaps those facials you described earlier? A face, after all, is the first impression one leaves… when one wishes to leave an impression at all.
[Gee thanks buddy, that’s not as mysterious as you think it is. The sudden swirl of sparkle from an unseen Pokemon. Though the cry of his Amaura off-screen is pretty telling.]
I cede the floor. At least, until, it comes time to prescribe my Secret Hand Technique!
[Bowing with towels on your head is a skill only Maru and Lance are skilled at. Don’t even try to imitate them. Also Secret Hand Technique? Maru, this is a PG-13 network.]
Look at my mans here. [Lance reaches out to frame Maru’s head with his hands.] See his face? You want his face? Well, you can’t have it, but you can have something like it. Just mix up a pint of Moomoo Milk from your friendly neighborhood Miltank [this time, the picture that flashes onscreen is one of Lance’s own Miltank and there’s a big red X on her face and the words NOT FRIENDLY AT ALL] with a teaspoon of honey and a teaspoon of oatmeal and put that bitch on your mug. Rinse off after 10 minutes and you’re gonna look so hot that all your Fletchtinder fury swipes will be right.
[And that dumb moronic grin on Lance’s face thinks this pun hit just right.]
Be certain to do so only after mastering the care and maintenance of your hands, of course!
[Shadowmaru’s turn to grab Lance. Or, specifically, Lance’s hands. Holding them up to the camera for display. And… more sparkles. That poor Amaura.]
See how cleanly he keeps his nails? How soft the undersides of the joints are? You, too, may find yourself with such well-maintained, striking digits. With the application of sea salt rub after every bath, followed by…[He trails off for a moment.] Lubrication? [A beat.] Ah, no. Lotion. Human hands require the use of lotion.
[Lance raises his eyebrows and snickers at the word lubrication because he is forever twelve.]
Speaking of hands, guys, nails. Please, ya gotta cut them. If only for the action you get tomorrow, cut and file them. Nothing is worse than an unhappy chick because yours are too long, too ragged, too sharp. Don’t do sharp. Girls don’t like sharp nails. I speak from experience. [Did he just waggle his eyebrows?] Like teeth, no one likes sharp nails near their crot--
[And because Lance needs to keep his channel in good standing with Staryutube’s TOS, it’ll be good to end the video there. BUT NO, there’s still two more tips to give including how to persuade an Incineroar with a bevy of Pokepuffs to give someone a warming backrub when your arms are just too noodly to do any good. ]
[Mercifully, Shadowmaru takes the video back before anything goes awry. By now, he’s posed for the camera completely, a dramatic draft of wind blowing in off the water. Sorry, Lance.]
And that, dear viewers, is how to utterly prepare yourself, and your beloved on this coming day of romance. Follow our instructions, and you are sure to…
[He then whips off his towel with the most exaggerated flourish, dramatically revealing… glittering purple hair.]
… Astound!
[... thankfully, that’s that. The end. Like, comment, subscribe.]