victory_road | nothing to see here, please move along

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nothing to see here, please move along

Who: Jean Kirstein and Armin Arlert
Where: In the middle of the goddamn ocean where no one can hear them
When: Sometime before Valentine's Day
Summary: Two professional soldiers go on a fishing trip like the masculine manly men they are to talk about women so they aren't gay at all, no sir. Look, they're even drinking beer, it has to be true!
Rating: Soft R for sex talk. ABOUT sex, not during.
Log:

Jean knew the moment that Armin approached him about this trip, something was up.

First off, Armin never approached him about anything. They just existed very close in each other's orbits, and often brushed up against each other due to the forces of gravity. To do something fun, or just have a chat, or something like that. They rarely planned anything. But from the beginning, this trip was very much planned. And Armin only made plans when he was trying to accomplish something specific. Or avoid death. One of the two.

Plus, this whole fishing thing? Was not something that Armin did. Sure, he was out in the ocean a lot, and really enjoyed his whole marine biologist thing, but fishing? With a pole? He didn't do that for fun. Then there was the food, and the beer (especially the beer, he was fairly sure Armin didn't even like it that much) and the whole ceremony of it... It was like he was trying to emulate something he thought other people did, for some sort of particular reason that Jean wasn't privy to.

So the moment they were out far enough that no one could hear them, sitting on opposite side of the boat with fishing pole in hand, Jean had to ask:

"So, what am I actually here for today?"

And he honestly didn't know what to expect.

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"I-- I have no idea what you are talking about."

Aren't they here to fish? And bond as men? Because that is definitely why Armin invited Jean on this fishing/bros being bros trip. Certainly not because he has certain Plans for Valentine's day that ideally involve him knowing a lot more about the female body and how to, ah, interact with it than he currently does and Jean is the only person who he feels comfortable with (barely) to talk about those kinds of things.

Needless to say, Jean doesn't even need to see Armin's very guilty and slightly nervous looking face to tell that he is lying. Very poorly.

"If there's one thing you've always sucked at, it's lying," Jean replied while looking over his shoulder. "You make a face. You're doing it right now."

"Y-you can't be sure of that! You can't even see my face," Armin says while making the face.

Jean isn't wrong, but it is rude to just call him out like this!

"You do. It's like this."

Jean makes the face. It's even more terrifying on someone that's already scary looking.

Armin twists around in his seat to look at Jean, scrunching up his nose when he spots the face Jean is pulling. "I have never made that face in my entire life. Is that even a human expression?"

"Maybe you haven't yet in your timeline, but I've seen it. It makes your bluffs really, really obvious."

Jean won't explain that the times he's seen it, Armin was doing something heinous, like lying to Bertholt about them torturing Annie, which was definitely not happening. Even after all this time, she was still stuck in that rock.

He knew about Armin's visits to her too, but that was something he didn't even want Armin to know he knew.

"So, come on. Out with it. What's your ulterior motive today?"

Armin flushes a bit, turning back around. "Really, Jean. You are making me sound like I've got some deviant plans here."

He does, but they are not for Jean.

"I just thought it would be nice to hang out. You'll be going back to your badge journey when the weather improves and we won't get to see each other as much anymore." See, perfectly fine, normal motives. Nothing fishy here. "I figured we could talk like this."

"Maybe not deviant," although it was highly suspicious that that was the word he chose to use here, "but you've got plans."

"Of course, I don't mind hanging out. But this whole fishing thing is way too orchestrated. Like you didn't know how else to keep me in one spot while you ask me something."

"Maybe you are just being a bit paranoid, Jean. I just thought this would be nice. And we wouldn't have to worry about being interrupted while talking about... things."

He is absolutely not selling this cover story at all.

No, he's not, but Jean isn't going to grill him on it any further.

"And what do you mean by things?"

"We could talk about girls."

Armin's voice spirals up a bit on the 'girls' before he clears his throat.

"You know, like how we did late night at the barracks during training."

Not that Armin had ever joined in on the girl talk back then. But it sure had been a subject matter that had dominated the conversation many a night back in the days. That and fart jokes.

And everything fits together with an almost audible click. Jean makes his own trademark face: a shit-eating grin.

"As far as I remember, you never took part in those conversations. Are you wishing now that you did?"

"I don't think I would've learned anything from them if I had. You know as well as I that most of what everybody talked about back then was utter nonsense."

Well, utter nonsense and guys comparing the various... assets of the girls and trying to determine who was the best of them. Or at least, the best after Krista who everybody agreed was simply divine.

"Eh, you're right enough. I'd say the kind of back and forth we had... Maybe only half of it was anywhere near true. Wasn't all that helpful."

Which implies that Jean has indeed had real experience. And maybe was properly taught by someone. A charitable older corpswoman, one he was sworn to secrecy over. Maybe.

"Have you--"

A pause. Ugh. This was the worst. But also why he invited Jean to come fishing with him. There were no escapes, and Armin had a very good excuse not to look at Jean with how they were sitting back to back.

"... ever been with a girl?"

Jean had to bite down hard on a laugh. He knew where this was going, it was pretty obvious from the start, but man. Only Armin.

"Yes, Armin. I've had sex with women."

It's a bit flustering for him too, but not nearly as much. It was a level he could handle, for now.

"Women? Really?"

A little curious, and admittedly, a little disbelieving. Because sure, on the one hand, Jean had grown tall, which Armin suspects is what women like. But on the other hand, he was also still, well, Jean.

"Women can still mean only two or three. In some of those cases, only once. And you don't have to sound so incredulous about it."

"Sorry. Just. You made it sound like things were really busy for you back in our world. I'm surprised you had the time to have been with multiple women."

Yes. It was definitely a time issue, and not a Jean's personality issue. Super for sure.

"You learn from the older members how to fit stuff like that in whenever you get an hour or two of quiet. And we actually had a lot of that for a couple of years, when we were building infrastructure or conducting espionage."

"And besides, I think you of all people can tell I'm not the same Jean I was four years ago."

Meaning: Yes, he knew that Armin thought he was too incorrigible to ever properly attract a woman.

Armin is quiet for a few long moments. His shoulders round a little in embarrassment as he chews on his lip, before finally asking:

"Is it... as nice as they say?"

The way the guys in the barracks had talked about sex made it sound like the single best thing in the whole world. But again, they had talked a lot of nonsense too.

"Do you not like jerking off, or something?"

Hey, Jean didn't know! Armin was so uninterested, or at least avoidant, over the years. It was possible that he was just, completely off the entire act, and if that was the case, no. It wouldn't be very nice at all.

"What, no! I mean, I do. I--" Armin ends up making a helplessly flustered noise.

He does like jacking off, thank you very much. Just because he has some restraint and prefers to be a bit more private about it than most of the guys had been back then, doesn't mean he doesn't partake.

"I just meant--" he is very red by now. "Sometimes people talk about sex like it is something lifechanging and there is nothing better. Is it really like that?"

Because yeah, Armin jerks it. And coming feels good. But it is one of many things that feel good to him, and sometimes he wonders if he is wrong for not being as sex-crazed as many of the other guys had been or if they had just been over the top about it.

"Okay, okay! I'm just making sure..."

Alright, so the question was as straightforward as it had been posed. Jean was kind of amazed after so many years in this peaceful world, Armin never had, but... Well, Eren and Mikasa weren't here, and they may have been the only people he was interested in. Or, maybe the only people he trusted enough.

"It's better than doing it yourself. There's no question. But if you're with a woman, there are some steps to take to make sure you both enjoy it."

Edited 2021-02-08 03:24 (UTC)

"Such as?"

Armin tries to downplay it, but there is no disguising the complete interest in his voice now. This is what he invited Jean here for, and now that Jean is supplying the info he is after, he's all ears.

Now is when Jean finally has to pause to collect himself. It's... Kind of been a long time since he last touched a woman. Basically as long as he'd been here. Sure, his experiences were still fresh in his mind, but he was a little too pent up to be completely calm here.

"...Women aren't like guys. They can't just go on the spot. It's not as easy for them. Sure, you can just dive straight in, but they probably won't be wet yet, and they probably won't come either. So that's like... Bad manners. You shouldn't do that."

"How do you make it good for them?"

Knowing what not to do hold value too, but it doesn't help Armin figure out how he should be acting. Kissing is presumably part of it, and back in the day, the other guys had talked plenty about playing with a girl's breasts. But considering how much of their very expert sex talk had been untrue, Armin isn't sure if he should go with that.

"There are a bunch of ways? Each lady is different. Some like to kiss, or just... Be touched where-ever they like to. Usually breasts are a good bet. But you've got to be gentle when you're learning. It can hurt there if you're too rough."

"And, uh..." He had to stop to clear his throat. "There's a spot that's pretty much a sure fire win for any girl."

"Ah, uhm, you mean that spot, right?"

Listen, Armin might be a virgin of the highest order, but he does know a thing or two about anatomy. Even their training corps library had a few volumes on the human body. And that spot? Yes, it had been mentioned as well.

Oh thank the Walls, he wasn't working with nothing here.

"Yeah, yeah. It's not that hard to find. Women, they have, uh... Lips, down there. I mean, something like that. If you get your fingers in there, there's a little bump. It's tiny."

Like, so small he wondered how they felt anything at all, but here we were.

"And you have to be really, really gentle with it. Press really lightly, and watch your fingernails. Or just rub around it. Or... Use your mouth. But then you have to watch your teeth too."

Armin tends to keep his fingernails pretty short as is, but after Jean's advice, he's definitely going to make sure his nails will be as short and blunt as possible.

"Okay. Thanks." A cough, and man, Armin doesn't regret asking this because it is information he needed, but he cannot deny the heavy level of Awkward that had settled on the boat now. Luckily for Jean, he won't be asking for an even more detailed explanation. He isn't sure either of them would survive that.

Quick, a diversion.

"... you want a beer?"

"Yes."

Like, six of them, all at once.

Wow, leave Armin one too. Jean can have the others though. Armin still gotta drive.

Passing Jean one of the cans, Armin hesitates for a moment, before saying: "Thanks. I know these kinds of questions must've been weird, but... well, you are the only person I can ask."

"...It's fine," Jean replied after he'd taken a long swig of his beer. It would take more than that to get properly drunk, but it was a start. "I guess it's kind of flattering that I was the only person you could think of."

His mind wandered to Shiro for a moment, who Sasha said has sex fairly often-- but, right. He was with a guy. And Armin needed advice for...

The mental image of Armin and Angel together seared itself into his brain. He'd never be able to look at either of them in the same way again.

Armin could've asked either Rose or Greg, but frankly, he didn't want to think of them having sex each time he'd talk to either of them. Plus, they were both so much older (very much so much older, in Rose's case) it was hard to completely think of them as peers.

"I guess it's a good thing for me you did manage to mature some over the years."

Jean blew a laugh through his lips, like the horse-face he is.

"Was that supposed to be a compliment? It sure didn't sound like one."

"Maybe it was just a statement of fact," Armin replied with a light tease to his voice.

"I really am grateful though. And I should probably let you know that Angel and I will be taking a little trip for Valentine's day. It's just for the weekend, but you'll have the gym to yourself."

"The gym to myself?" Jean focuses on that bit of info rather than Armin blatantly inferring that he's going to be using the knowledge he just attained to bang his girlfriend on Valentine's Day. "It's not like I've got anything naughty to do that I need privacy for. Or any plans to throw a huge party in a Gym in the middle of a treacherous ocean."

Well, Armin is certainly going to try to use the important knowledge Jean just imparted on him on Valentine's day. Which is a whole new level of cheesy, but apparently, that is what Armin and Angel are like -- wholesome, loving, and cheesy.

"Well, even if you just want to walk around the gym in your underwear, I figured you deserved the head's up. Just in case you do want to make some plans."

Oh yeah, he knows that about them. They're almost barf-worthy sometimes, but Jean thought it suited a straight-laced guy like Armin. And Angel deserved a gentle, sensitive type like him too.

"Thanks. What a wonderful privilege."

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