Jaskier ♫ The Sandpiper (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
rollstoseduce) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
victory_road2021-05-21 07:41 pm
rollstoseduce) wrote in victory_road2021-05-21 07:41 pm
[Closed]
Who: A metaphorical wolf, an actual wolf, a bard, a swordcat, a rat king, a poison king, a horse with wings, a horse with a bug fish name and a wyvern eta and now a second horse
Where: National Park
When: Some time during 4th wall
Summary: Sparring! Powers! Potions! Animals! Secrets revealed, oh my!
Rating: let's give it an R for naughty jokes and references in narration
So you want to fight a witcher?
>Yes
>No
>Gwent
Where: National Park
When: Some time during 4th wall
Summary: Sparring! Powers! Potions! Animals! Secrets revealed, oh my!
Rating: let's give it an R for naughty jokes and references in narration
So you want to fight a witcher?
>Yes
>No
>Gwent
no subject
Good.
no subject
He's nervous, but he also -and he surprises himself by thinking this- doesn't want to disappoint Dimitri. So he makes sure to look at all three men in the eye when he speaks, no matter how much he wants to look away.]
Allow me to apologize for what just happened. An annoyance I thought I had under control finally snapped at the worst of times. It wasn't my intention to drag any of you into this, but I'd be lying if I said I had good control of my emotions. [He takes a deep breath.] May I have a moment with Claude?
no subject
So along with his general anger and upset over all this, there's that in the mix too when he turns to glare at Jaskier.
...but to his surprise, the first thing out of Jaskier's mouth is an apology. To Claude, anyway. Which is the important thing. The bard never wanted anything to do with Felix in the first place and already got what he wanted out of him, so whatever. It wasn't my intention to drag any of you into this is probably true, at least, because Grant and Dimitri are nice people and he probably would have preferred if Felix hadn't been here at all. And Felix shouldn't care.
He can relate to the other things the bard says; he certainly knows what it's like to lose control of his emotions and snap at people when he doesn't want to. That's pretty much the only reason he doesn't say no and tell Jaskier to back off.
But he can't keep the anger out of his gaze.]
That's up to Claude. Not us. You're not asking because you give half a damn about our opinions, anyway. You just want to play nice in front of Claude.
[He turns a questioning look Claude's way. Does he want to talk to Jaskier?]
no subject
The apology is a relief, genuine as it seems to be - even if it's not enough to keep that concern from tightening in Grant's chest.
He doubts Felix's response helps much either, but there's not much to be done for that.
So he keeps quiet, and looks to Claude as well.]
no subject
He doesn't turn towards Jaskier, and in fact turns a bit further away from him to instead reach out and begin idly caressing Mori's scaly head. The wyvern watches Jaskier, somewhat inscrutably.] Felix, there's no reason to believe he's just trying to play nice in front of me right now. [Considering that Jaskier was, as of a handful of minutes previously, either unwilling or incapable of playing nice for or to Claude at all. If he's trying to look good in front of anyone right now, Claude doubts it's him. Geralt, perhaps, although Claude wonders if Geralt would particularly care about any of this, no matter how it goes. (He's actually unaware of Jaskier's growing fondness for Dimitri, so wanting to look good in front of Dimitri doesn't cross his mind.)]
Jaskier can really only have one of these conversations at a time. So if you're going to jump into the conversation you need to have with him before letting him talk to me, I don't know if you're actually letting it be as much my choice as you want it to be. He can't answer that accusation of yours without getting sidetracked. [He rubs his thumb along Mori's brow ridge.] The talks can happen in any order, as far as I'm concerned. So the question seems to come down to whether or not you'll let Jaskier talk to me first.
no subject
[Thankfully Claude cuts in before Jaskier ends up snipping again at Felix, which would've probably made things a thousand times worse. And that is saying a lot, considering how bad they already are.]
I wasn't asking for literal permission, I was using bloody manners to try to make this interaction as smooth as possible.
[Which has obviously failed spectacularly, because apparently not even this educated lord understands that question means you're politely asking someone to get lost because you need a moment with the third party. Grant seems to have gotten it, though, and Jaskier once again feels really bad for having involved the poor bloke in all this.]
If you want to spit at me, [He tells Felix.] -you can do it later. Claude is my priority right now, which should be bloody obvious why. If he doesn't want to have this conversation then I'll turn around and leave, but it's his decision to make.
no subject
[Claude doesn't turn around, and his voice isn't angry, but there's a distinct edge of coolness to the words.]
And I promise you, your intentions are a lot less obvious than you seem to think. Don't act as though Felix should be able to interpret you when you yourself don't seem to quite understand what you do or don't mean to do right now. Nothing about your actions here make sense to me, and I know you a lot better than Felix does.
If you're actually apologetic for having done something wrong or offensive, then people being angry with you about it shouldn't immediately set you snapping. What kind of reaction were you expecting?
no subject
And then Jaskier is predictably yelling at him, and still Felix doesn’t say anything, because he’s struggling to decide whether he wants to yell back or just walk away. After what Claude said, both seem like the wrong answer...
And when Claude speaks up again, Felix expects him to agree at least with the last thing the bard said - even if that was what Felix was trying to say in the first place! But instead, Claude says that he has every right to be upset - or something close to it, anyway - and maybe it’s ironic that Felix actually feels a little calmer as a result. He’s not just screaming into a void, as he often feels like he is. Claude heard him, like he always does.
And calming a little lets him think. Jaskier said that if he didn’t care, he wouldn’t have started by apologizing to everyone - which means it was supposed to be for all of them. And Felix remembers that once, he’d thought Jaskier’s smiles were false, like Sylvain’s when he’s at his worst, but Jaskier said they never are.
So...maybe that blowup just now wasn’t an indication that the apology wasn’t genuine, but just...Jaskier losing control over his frustration. Felix thinks he might have done the same in the bard’s place. Hmm.]
Claude’s right, I don’t know what else you were expecting. ...I do believe you meant the apology. But you’re still...it’s like you’re on fire, and the embers are still there, so it’s hard not to let them ignite again. You need to wait to talk to Claude until the embers go out, or you’ll end up burning him again whether you mean to or not.
no subject
One thing stands out above all others, though - and that's the fact Mr Chessmaster can't even begin to guess what set Jaskier off. And that can be enough to kill any hope Dimitri could've put in them. If there isn't any hope, should he be even trying?
So in the end, he decides to keep it simple. After glancing at Felix just to acknowledge what he said, he turns to Claude. Not that it makes much of a difference, considering he still hasn't turned around.]
Claude - should I stay or should I go?
[He meant it when he said it's Claude's choice to make. So it's pointless to be here, having a circular argument, if nothing will be happening anyway.]
One parsley leaf of action on the world's biggest pile of prose
Mostly, he'd apologized for dragging 'any of them' into this, but Claude's able to filter down to the real meaning; he didn't mean to drag anyone but Claude into this. There was, after all, no way for him to do any of what he just did, say any of what he just said, without involving Claude. His stated annoyance, too, is clearly with Claude. Claude was always involved. And Jaskier's actions had been, specifically, to go after Claude as a result of his annoyance. Whatever Jaskier thinks he's said, or thinks he means, the fact that his losing control of himself led to lashing out at Claude means that some part of him wanted to. Perhaps, at best, it was a subconscious desire he regrets letting overpower him...but it's not like he was possessed. The part of Jaskier that was looking for an excuse to lay Claude's secrets out in public, that casually dumped him as though Claude was an irritating weight to let fall off his shoulders rather than someone whose company had ever meant anything to him...that part of Jaskier is still Jaskier. And the intent that drove those actions is still part of him, too.
Jaskier can contextualize them, he can apologize for them, he can do many things with them...but what Claude won't accept is a denial of them. Or, worse, a justification.
A justification Claude very much believes is coming. Jaskier is going to tell him why he was upset; it's essentially inevitable. Claude, for his part, thinks he's quite clever enough to know why, if only because they've had very few points of contention between them...but he'd also never dreamed that the contention they did have was as serious as to prompt this level of petty, thoughtless revenge from Jaskier. He knows he'd refused to accept Jaskier's assertions that Geralt didn't and couldn't love him, and had encouraged him to believe it was possible - at least once when Jaskier had asked him directly not to, fearing the idea of having any hope for it. He knows he'd teased Jaskier about it, though he'd always thought that was in the way friends did - certainly never in mean spirit, and he never got the impression Jaskier took it as such. He knows he'd used some of the details Jaskier had given him about his relationship with Geralt to underline to how intimate that relationship already was, to highlight how Jaskier must certainly have a chance with Geralt and that it was ludicrous to chain himself to the belief that he couldn't. Claude knows all of that. But at best, he'd never thought - he'd never even gotten the impression - that it was more than a minor annoyance; something for Jaskier to roll his eyes at. Claude had rarely been that forceful, backing off if he'd sensed anything approaching genuine annoyance or distress except perhaps for that very first time, and the subject hasn't even come up for quite some time.
And Jaskier, for his part, had engaged in very similar behavior when Claude had problems believing the same things of the men Claude eventually wound up in relationships with. He'd called Claude a hypocrite. How can he even do that, without acknowledging he and Claude had stood in the same place doing similar things? And why would Jaskier do what Claude did if he found Claude's actions so distressing? Claude had accepted Jaskier's hassling about Felix and Dimitri as he'd always viewed his own - as a friend wanting the best for someone they cared about, and pushing them to take a chance to reach for what they wanted.
And yet, the source of Jaskier's annoyance has to be this. They haven't really disagreed on anything else. What's more, Jaskier's hiding his budding relationship with Geralt from everyone, and then immediately snapping at Claude not to say anything upon its reveal - it's obvious where his thoughts on the matter had immediately gone. For Jaskier to give context to what just happened, he'll end up telling Claude exactly why he was so upset. And even assuming his feelings don't get the better of him, again, while he puffs himself up with his indignation again - a stretch, from everything Claude knows of Jaskier - can Jaskier really explain without justifying? That's a tough tightrope to walk for anyone, in any situation...and even Felix can see Jaskier is in no state of mind to walk it. Jaskier is going to explain to Claude, to his face, why he wanted to hurt him.
And the simple fact is that no explanation for that desire will be good enough for Claude. Even at the utmost levels of his own feelings of anger, or frustration, or betrayal - even when Mori had crashed out of the sky with Dimitri's spear in his side, taking Claude with him; when Claude had looked across the field of Gronder to Edelgard, the woman who'd betrayed him and his classmates in favor of starting a war and would have killed them if she could; when his own people, even his own brothers, wanted him dead and tried to make it happen - even at their absolute extremes, he's never wanted to hurt someone he once (much less currently) cared about. Yell at them, perhaps, demand answers from them, hold them accountable in some way, but never hurt them. Claude's been hurt and betrayed by those he cares about, but wanting to hurt them in exchange is foreign to him. When a relationship goes sour, he doesn't want to cause further damage - he wants to fix it.
The fact that Jaskier could, on any level, so casually hurt him - and must have on some level wanted to - over something as well-intentioned (no matter how poorly executed) as Claude trying to encourage him towards something that would make Jaskier happy...for so little to cause so much makes him question how much he ever meant to Jaskier. It should take a lot to make someone willing - never mind spitefully eager - to hurt their friend.
Perhaps Jaskier genuinely perceived it as being that much. Claude knows that what he did, and how Jaskier felt about it, isn't necessarily a 1:1 relationship. Perhaps it was exponentially worse than Claude ever dreamed. But that really just introduces its own problems. If Claude can upset Jaskier to the point where the bard will lash out at him like this, and Claude has no way of knowing and Jaskier is unwilling (or unable) to offer any warning that it's happening until it's already far too late...then this will inevitably happen again. Perhaps Claude will even upset Jaskier worse, and then who knows how vicious the man's backlash will be? An apology could, at best, patch the boat. It won't do anything to make future shoals easier to avoid - and now that Claude knows they're there, and he'll get no warning of them, he's disinclined to trust the waters no matter how gentle Jaskier promises him they are.
And Claude feels - setting aside everything else - how little an apology will do for him. His trust is rare coin, and of the few he's ever given it to while appreciating its worth(and that number is very few; in fact, almost everyone who can count themselves among that number is currently standing in this field), none have ever tossed it away so casually as Jaskier. Even if Claude forgives, he'll never be able to forget. He can't imagine how he'll share things privately with Jaskier, trust him to understand the importance of either the things he tells him or the spirit he shares them in, ever again. Not while knowing, as he does now, that if he finds some way to make Jaskier spiteful enough - even by accident - then Jaskier can and will weaponize those things.
Add to that the inherent dishonesty of Jaskier's apology - where Jaskier "didn't want" to drag any of them into this, but his 'not wanting to' had involved him divulging secrets that directly involved every man present, in a way calculated to put Claude's relationships with all of them in an awkward position at the very least - and Claude cannot begin to see how an apology could improve anything here. He doesn't even have faith (or any evidence) that Jaskier knows what it actually is he should really be apologizing for. It certainly isn't having dragged any of them into something that doesn't concern them. It's having been so lost in his own bitterness - however justified he believed it to be, or even might genuinely be - that he ceased either considering or caring about the consequences of his actions on any of them.
There are so many arguments against doing this right here, right now. And that's just covering the Jaskier-based reasons against it. That Claude, himself, isn't ready or willing for this to happen is certainly against it as well. Claude may not be willing to make that argument on his own behalf, but he recognizes it is yet another reason to put this off.
And yet...against all of this, two facts stand firm. One is that Jaskier clearly wants to do this now. Claude isn't necessarily considering what Jaskier wants when he accepts this as a refuting point; rather, the way he sees it, he suspects refusing Jaskier here will probably make the bard angry and spiteful. If not immediately, then the longer he has to stew in it - Jaskier's shown that he can turn a grain of even the most well-meaning irritant into quite the large pearl of discord. As Claude no longer feels he can trust anything else about Jaskier, he doesn't feel he can trust an offer from him to honor Claude's wishes...or his temper, if Claude chooses an option he doesn't want him to choose.
The other fact is this: Claude doesn't see this getting any better if this stagnates. At most, Claude thinks he personally would be on a little more of an even keel. But he really doesn't need that to function; today's proven that more than once. But for this contention to sit and ripen between everyone else, for the strain to sit on the bonds between all of them for days or weeks, for none of them to really be settled in how they act around each other...because this affects a lot more than just him and Jaskier.
Claude simply can't see a better outcome to that than just letting this be put to bed right here and right now. At worst, he has to endure some more battering; he knows how to take that. And, of course, his and Jaskier's relationship might be permanently fractured. Claude's not sure if that part is avoidable in any case. At best...maybe things will get better. He can't see a way to that, but anything's possible, and even at his most hurt Claude always clings to hope. The worst that can happen if he puts this off, though...it could stress the bones of more relationships than just one to the point of breaking.
He rests his forehead briefly against Mori's for a moment, with a slow exhale. Then he turns to face Jaskier.]
Stay. But for the record - none of this is what I want. I'm just calculating the best possible outcome when none of my options seem good.
[He glances at Grant and Felix.] Can you guys leave us to talk? My promise still stands.
no subject
But Claude does respond, and, finally, a decision is made. Grant nods slightly, hoping the movement doesn't betray too much of the tension that still remains in his shoulders. He almost starts to raise a hand, wanting to touch Claude's shoulder or... or something, but... he remembers what Claude is trying to do here. Stay composed, look unbothered, probably doubly so now that Jaskier is here so much sooner than he was ready for, and having a boyfriend visibly trying to comfort him probably wouldn't help with that.
So Grant just nods again, and shoves his hands in his pockets.] ...Yeah. Okay.
[He'll start back to where Geralt and Dimitri are waiting - though he keeps his eye on the others for as long as he can, halfway just... making sure Felix is actually going to follow. He's pretty sure he will, with Claude having asked outright, but he doesn't want to get halfway across the field before realizing plans have changed somehow.]
no subject
For the same reason Grant refrains from touching Claude, Felix does the same, keeping his arms folded rather than hug him the way he'd like to. He just nods instead, then glances sidelong at Jaskier as he moves past him to follow Grant; it's not friendly, but it's not hostile, either. Wary, perhaps, or measuring.
Soon enough, he catches up to Grant, looking no less tense or worried than he was. Quietly, he says,]
You didn't say much.
[It's not an accusation; it sounds more like a question.]
Claude and Jaskier can split off from here!
Before you say anything, there's something I'd like to say. May I?
no subject
Jaskier stares at Claude with wide eyes and an open mouth, effectively having been left speechless. To think like that... even during a vulnerable, emotional moment like this...
His stomach turns as realization hits him: it was never going to work between.
Well. That answers Dimitri's question, he guesses.
If Claude doesn't actually want to do this, then what is the point of Jaskier saying anything? It will fall on deaf ears anyway. He's trying to put his thoughts together and decide where to go next when Claude speaks again and- ah. That's a place to start, he supposes.]
Go ahead. [He replies with a nod and a gesture of his hand, already wondering how much will be real and how much will Claude trying to gain control of the conversation.]
no subject
For all that Claude and Jaskier have shared with each other, it's clear that what they've shared, and what their counterpart has actually understood of what's been shared, doesn't necessarily match up on either side.
For right now, however, Claude is composed.] I wanted to apologize. Whatever annoyance I've caused you to prompt that kind of reaction - and I have to assume it's from my having pushed you so insistently towards Geralt - must have been a lot more significant than I ever realized. I thought I was supporting you in something you wanted, not driving you crazy, but evidence suggests I was having a way worse effect than I knew. That was never anything I wanted for you, and I'm sorry. And it was pretty pointless, too, since I really doubt anything I ever said or did really contributed to you actually getting what you wanted, and what I wanted for you. So I apparently caused you a lot of distress for nothing.
No matter what else happens, or what you've done, or what you have to say now, I wanted you to know that. And to know that it's true. I was never trying to hurt you, or even make you genuinely uncomfortable. I thought it was just...egging a friend on, the way friends do. The way you did with me and Felix, or me and Dimitri. But that's obviously not how it was for you.
no subject
Jaskier is far from an expert, but he can't imagine building a relationship like that.
And now Claude is bloody apologizing, and Jaskier doesn't know what to do with it. It's a nice gesture, and part of him wants to appreciate it, but it's also about the wrong thing and--
calculating the outcome
The words are still making his skin crawl, and he hates it, hates the way he suddenly can't know what Claude means with this, hates that that's a thought he's having about his friend(?) in the first place, hates not understanding what he's even doing here if Claude doesn't want to have this conversation yet decides to start it for some bloody reason.
If Claude is allowed to be nice but when he does it comes as hollow, what is he even supposed to say that won't make things worse?
And does it truly matter anyway? Hasn't he realized that this can't truly work? Things have blown up, bottling things up has put him in this position, and Claude doesn't want to listen to him... then may as well stick to honesty and get this over with asap.]
Talking to you... has become akin to talking to my brother.
[And Claude should know that's not exactly a compliment. At least it's not a comparison to his father, which would be way out of place - Claude doesn't hold that kind of power over him. But his older brother? Yeah, that tracks - two people that once were close and had fun together, and a lack of mutual understanding got in the way, destroyed what they had. Perhaps a bit unfair considering Jaskier, even during a moment like this, still thinks Claude is a man a thousand times better than his sibling... but a literal meaning should be left aside. It's a fitting metaphor.]
So I don't know what to make out of your words, and I don't know what to say in return after you admitted you don't actually want to do this. [A sigh.] For what it's worth - I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt you either. My mind grabbed a small detail to tease you about, but my mouth was taken over by chagrin before I could stop it. I shouldn't have let it come down to this.
[I was trying to be patient for you, he wants to add, but he knows it won't be taken well - which, fair. Nobody likes the person that fucked up victimizing themselves. So he stops there, leaving his apology for Claude to do as he wishes.]
no subject
The fact that his current calculations are colder is entirely because of the mood Jaskier's put him in, the suspicions he's suddenly kindled in a man who's been hurt and attacked countless times before.
He accepts what he knows is a condemnation fairly stoically.] I don't know if there's any avoiding that, under the circumstances. I've never actually had someone I'd trusted secrets to turn on me before - I've always been more careful than that. And the people with whom I have to constantly ask myself what's safe to tell them, what might they use against me, how do I avoid provoking them into open hostility towards me...I really only know one way to act around them.
Granted, some of those people have been my brothers, so I guess we're both acting like our respective siblings right now.
It's not that I don't want to talk to you, for what it's worth. [He sighs.] I just wanted...time to collect myself. And you definitely seem like you need time to vent whatever bitterness caused this - it's really bad when even Felix can see that. But frankly, at this point, I don't know if saying 'we should postpone this' would actually make things better. I think whatever anger you've got now has already been simmering for so long that it's like a broth - any attempt to reduce it is only going to concentrate it. So, even though I think doing this right now is a bad idea, putting it off might be even worse. If nothing else, I'm worried about how it might affect my boyfriends' relationships with both you and Geralt, because none of them are happy, either.
[His gaze, which has flicked over to Dimitri, Grant, and Felix, now finds its way back to Jaskier.] As for the relationship between us...I don't know what to do with that anymore. You threatened me with things I told you in confidence, and then you announced them in front of the men I love as retaliation for...I'm not honestly sure what. Being happy that my hopes for you and Geralt got realized? Teasing you? I'd like to think you only did that because the secrets were more or less harmless, but the only big secrets I've ever given you are ones you already knew they knew. I don't know if that's the ammunition you used because it's what you considered appropriate for the offense, or if it's because it's all you had.
But you explicitly did it because you thought I didn't want you telling them. What am I supposed to make of that? How many people do you think I tell things in confidence, Jaskier? And is that how you repay it?
And then you just announced our arrangement was over, publicly, without talking to me first. After hiding the fact that it was time to break it off in the first place, by hiding your relationship with Geralt from me. Making it sound like you were glad to be rid of me, dumping me on other people's laps as their problem. [These words are particularly thick in Claude's throat; it's an effort to say them.] After I told you about the way the men I'd been with before had treated me - the first person to make me feel at least somewhat valued in bed turned around and treated me as disposable, the minute it was revealed he'd found someone he actually wanted. And now I have to wonder just...how long you were resenting me, while still sleeping with me. How long you were with Geralt and hiding it from me while you were sleeping with me, and why it was only after it accidentally came out that you suddenly dropped me.
Do you think you're the only one here who doesn't know what to make of the person standing across from them? You've hurt me enough where I don't know how I can believe it was some kind of accident - you went for everywhere I was weakest. Because I annoyed you.
no subject
Jaskier rubs his eyes, half actually needing to do so and half wanting to hide his face a bit as he bites his tongue in order not to snort - or worse, bitterly laugh. He can't fucking believe that now of all possible bloody times he's thinking of damn Yennefer of Vengerberg.]
I assure you, from experience, that Geralt's friendship with your boyfriends will be just dandy.
[Not only because of Yennefer, but because of Felix, too. He and Jaskier had trouble getting along and, while obviously their thing was never as bad as this, Jaskier thinks it's fair to feel confident that the boyfriends won't stop talking to Geralt if they decide to stop speaking to Jaskier.
(And what if they do decide that? Losing Dimitri would hurt, but he didn't seem to be angry at Jaskier as Claude says. Felix definitely is, but it's not like Jaskier would miss him. And Grant? A nice guy, as far as Jaskier knows, and he still feels like crap for having dragged him into this. But he doesn't really have a relationship with him to lose - same with Sylvain, if they ever tell him about this.)
There's a lot he wants to clarify about the take Claude just dropped, but then he goes and strikes directly into one of Jaskier's pet peeves. There's only so much he can keep in to play nice.]
What?! [Yeah, that... comes out a bit high pitched. Watch out, because the hand gesturing is coming out as well.] Bloody hell! No, I wasn't sleeping with both you and Geralt! And it shouldn't be a problem if I had been, considering the understanding we had! I did have other lovers - you must've known that, I won't believe you didn't. [An open hand lands on his chest.] I'm ending our arrangement because Geralt asked for exclusivity, and I'm respecting that. The same way I would've backed off without hesitation if your boyfriends had asked the same of you.
[To this day he still can't believe they didn't, honestly. Sylvain seems to have similar views on the subject to Jaskier's and Claude's, so that makes sense. Grant seems to come from a society similar to this realm's, so he also gets him. But Dimitri, with his virgin innocence? Felix, with his dislike for Jaskier? Who would've thought.]
We got together during prom - if Felix told you what happened, it won't be hard for you to figure out how. You haven't asked me for sex since then, and if you had, I would've turned you down, revealed the news if necessary. My little game was never more important than your or Geralt's comfort. But the secret wasn't hard to keep, because in case you haven't noticed, we haven't seen each other as often lately -not even talked as often- and not just because I was away at Sevii.
[They saw each other at Kiri's birthday, and thankfully they were distracted by the innocent mood of the little kid's party.
He opens his arms.] Don't you understand yet? There's no "under the circumstances"! There's no "right now"! I've been wary to speak to you for a while now! Egging friends on is indeed fun, and fun I had with you! I do remember our mutual teasing with fondness - you teased me over Geralt, I teased you over your lions. It worked. But then you got together with them, and when you brought me the news -and what joyous news they were!- the first thing you did was using it against me while making sure I couldn't do the same in return. It's been nothing but preaching and scolding since then - you had the upper hand and you bloody knew it. I had to watch over what I said, or else you'd twist it back at me. I haven't mentioned Geralt around you in months! And so much has happened! It's felt like being at court again. [So yeah, the brother comparison? Not a recent development.] I didn't say anything because I wanted to be patient for you. You've shared your story with me, and I understand why you are the way you are. I thought that once you'd feel more comfortable around me, you would-- well, not drop it completely, because I know better than expect you to forget about all your trauma overnight. But I thought I would at least get less of it. A little more bloody trust.
And here we are today! The day I finally manage to catch you by surprise, to show you that no, you don't know fucking everything, and what is the first thing you do? Scolding me -us!- yet again. No matter what, Claude von Riegan must be in control of the situation, because apparently not even friends are safe from that.
[That... has been quite a rant. Exhausted now, Jaskier deflates, arms falling to his sides.]
I wasn't going for your secrets. I was going for teasing, and when my vexation took over, I was going for mockery. The fact I chose to share being something the others didn't know never crossed my mind - it wasn't filed under "things about Claude I must protect". If you think annoying me is enough to spill someone's secrets, as if I hadn't been keeping the secrets of the man that is an expert at irritating me with his broody ways for over twenty years, then I don't know what to tell you. I was an arse today, and for that I am sorry. It's up to you to forgive me or not, I won't be pushing for it - if this is the end, so be it. But I'm having trouble believing we ever were that close if one outburst is enough to make you revaluate the mere basics of my personality.
oops all talking
I do actually believe you weren't sleeping with me and Geralt at the same time - but before, that faith would have come from my never dreaming you'd try to pull something that underhanded on me. I mean, we'd always talked things through and kept each other on the same page about our arrangement up until now, right? Like reasonable adults who talk to each other, and know something about how to manage a sexual relationship? But now that I know you would go behind my back like that, I don't actually know what I can trust about you anymore. It's not the outburst; it's you having shown my understanding of you as wrong, and now I don't know what knowledge of you and instincts of mine actually hold any weight. Once you've been catastrophically wrong once, you're going to second-guess a lot of things you never questioned believing before.
All I really know - the one thing I still completely trust - is that you would never jerk Geralt around like that.
[And, as Jaskier continues, Claude actually finds his mouth falling open. It's not shocked outrage; it's just...bafflement. What he's hearing doesn't even seem to make sense.] Using it against - Jaskier, what does using something against you actually mean to you? Please tell me it's more than just pointing out parallels you don't want to think about, because - I mean, you've been at court. I'd like to think you're extremely aware of what a person really using something against someone else looks like, and it's not friendly encouragement - no matter how smug or overbearing it is.
When I ended up with men I hadn't allowed myself to believe were into me - men you encouraged me to believe I had a chance with - I pointed out that maybe the same thing might be true of you. That's it! I said "hey, maybe if my chances were evidently way better than I thought, then you shouldn't write off your chances either!" Frankly, I would've thought if our positions were reversed - if you'd gotten together with Geralt while I was still pining for Dimitri and Felix and Sylvain, thinking they'd never have feelings for me because they were all too hung up on someone else - that you'd have done the exact same thing. To point out that we're extremely similar men, in not exactly dissimilar situations, and maybe if there was hope for one of us then there could be a chance for the other, too.
I'm not saying you have to like that I did that. If you hated it, or resented it, if it really bothered you, you can feel however you want about it no matter how good my intentions were, and I'll readily apologize for making you feel ways I never wanted you to feel - but to call that some kind of acting against you? Making it sound like I was ever trying to do anything but support you? You're not just overstating your case, you're practically fabricating it.
Pointing out how long it's been, and how little it's come up, doesn't make your case any stronger, either! Doesn't that just mean it was a lot less of this ever-present, overbearing issue than you're treating it? I wasn't pushing you about it. I don't even think I've brought it up all that often! But you make it sound like any whiff of Geralt in my presence invited some kind of - verbal assault.
I'll apologize for any amount of discomfort I've caused you, but you're treating those moments like they were the rule when they were rare exceptions. Do you think you need to over-exaggerate that much to get me to take how much it upset you seriously? Because it's going to have the opposite effect. I can respect that even a few instances of being too overbearing on a too-sensitive subject could have a big impact, but I can't - and won't - accept you painting some narrative that this was some huge, constant, inescapable problem when I know that isn't what happened. You can't say "it's been nothing but preaching and scolding since then" and also "we haven't talked about this in months" in the same breath!
As for wanting my trust - Jaskier, you've had it. I don't know what you were expecting it to look like, but you had it, and then you decided to be 'patient' - [Claude makes the air quotes with his fingers.] - with me, waiting for me to become something other than who I am and give you whatever you think my trust actually looks like, to the point where you sat on the problems you had with me without talking to me about them until they boiled over. And when they boiled over, the very first things to burn were the things I trusted you with. My company, my secrets, my boyfriends. [He gestures toward where the others are standing, not far off.] You used something I told you in confidence about Felix as an excuse to insult him, in front of me, over how he behaved months ago! To call him a bitch in front of me and Dimitri! You couldn't just say he was jealous; you had to dig at him, and you used me to do it. Even if you didn't think that revealing things I said to you in confidence was a big deal, what were you aiming for by saying those things, Jaskier?
And the fact is that you were trying to cause problems for my relationships. Not consciously, maybe, but that was the motive. It wasn't to make things better between me and them. I don't see how insulting Felix would have played into that. But more than that - the fact that you threatened me with spilling those details says everything it needs to. It was a threat because you knew they were secrets of mine you had, and you knew there were people there I might not want to hear them. If you want to talk about having the upper hand over someone, how about we discuss an attempt to blackmail me into silence with my confidences as leverage? Holding my relationships with my boyfriends and how you could potentially affect them over my head?
It doesn't matter what the secrets actually were, or whether I minded having them revealed. What matters is how low of a thing that was to do. And then you have the nerve to say you didn't mean to drag the others into this - that was explicitly what you did! It wasn't some accidental collateral damage, that was the entire point of your actions! If you want to apologize for making a bad decision you regret, that's one thing, but don't pretend their getting involved wasn't the direct result of a conscious decision you made where their being dragged in was the only possible result.
[Claude - who's been gesturing to some degree himself - lets his hands fall to his sides.] Is that really what this has all been about at the bottom of it, Jaskier? You resenting my controlling nature? You hating the thought of me having been right, even if the outcome is positive for you, to the point that you can't stomach it? Of course I don't know everything, but for you to be so caught up in wanting to show that, to hide things that might make me think my conclusions had been correct...is that really what it boils down to? Even though I've only ever tried to use that nature to your benefit?
Because if it is, I don't think you understand the way I am, much less why, at all. You've had the luxury of having someone at your back looking out for you almost as long as I've been alive. You've had the good luck not to be a nationally hated public figure. You've had the privilege of being able to run away from things I've had to live my entire life - and you've got some idea of how horrible they can be, but I wonder if even you have enough of an idea. It's not just the way I think. The way I eat, the way I sleep, the way I look and walk and talk - every part of me down to the bones has been warped with needing to be right just so I can avoid being dead. And you say - you think - you understand? You think it's just some veil I can and should drop if people matter enough to me? Do you even think I'd begin to know how?
If you're judging your relative importance based on whether or not I try to understand my friends well enough to give them accurate, helpful advice - whether or not they necessarily want to hear it - then you're never going to believe I care about anyone. If your patience has been in service of waiting for me to become someone else with a more favorable personality, then it's no wonder you ran out of it.
As for today...I wasn't scolding you, Jaskier. I was teasing. I was so happy for you. And I thought you'd be happy, too, finally being with Geralt. I thought some good-natured ribbing was totally justified, especially after something so momentous had happened and you hadn't told your friends. I thought your hiding it had been some kind of prank, so some mock indignation was kind of the reaction you were looking for. [His voice gets quieter.] But it wasn't a prank. And...happiness hasn't been the dominant emotion since you got together with Geralt, has it? Whatever I've done, it's bad enough that your wanting to avoid me and whatever it is you fear from me takes precedence even over your delight at having finally, unexpectedly ended up with the love of your life. Enough to outweigh everything else...even things like being the hopeless romantic you are, and showing off.
I don't know how I can apologize enough, if that's been the result of my actions. But...Geralt deserves better than having his relationship with you overshadowed by whatever resentment I've bred in you. If you can't stand the person I am, and I can do this much harm while only trying to help, you're better off without me.
sorry he says so little in return
Claude does have some good points, he must admit, points that Jaskier would be willing to concede if they weren't surrounded by some much bullshit. There are so many misunderstandings he wants to clarify, so much erroneous judgment he wants to snap at, but he doesn't know where to even begin to untangle this web of-- whatever this is. He doesn't know anymore.
Two things stick out, however. One, Claude's mention of his "controlling personality", which brings back Jaskier's previous conclusion - the answer to Dimitri's question. There's no point in even trying to reply when neither of them is trusting each other's words, now is there? They're running in circles and only one thing -the inevitable- will stop it.
Two, that conclusion of Claude's at the end about Jaskier's feelings on his relationship with Geralt, which makes him stop pacing to stare at him with fury in his eyes.]
Who the fuck do you think you are? What kind of self-absorbed conclusion is that? You think that because I hid it from you I haven't been showing it off somewhere else? That my resentment towards you actually came up at all the last month outside very specific situations I could probably count with one hand? You aren't the center of my bloody world, Claude von Riegan. The pure bliss I've felt since prom is strong enough to move mountains.
[He suddenly shakes his head, throwing his hands in the air - a gesture of surrender.]
It matters not. You are right about one thing: I am obviously not the kind of person who can keep a controlling personality in his life. So...
[Fuck. No matter how angry he is, this is still hard as hell. Thinking it is abstract, actually pulling it off makes it real. He swallows back a sob.]
This is it, I suppose.
[Today has been hell, but it's only so because the beginning had been good. So he thinks that this end, at the very least, deserves him looking directly at Claude's eyes and put as much emotion in his own blues and voice as possible.]
Goodbye, Claude.
[He doesn't wait for an answer, though. He just turns around and walks away.]
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[Claude, at least, had wanted to set the record straight that he hadn't just drawn his conclusion from Jaskier's hiding it from him, but hiding it from their entire group. That's admittedly a variable amount of effort, but that's still a lot of people to keep out of the loop just to avoid one person. And that Jaskier's reflexive reaction upon his relationship with Geralt being announced - upon being congratulated - was to focus in not on his happiness, or even on Geralt, but on getting worked up over what Claude said, or didn't say, or what Jaskier didn't want him to say...it had felt so bizarre. It still does. How can anything Claude's done, especially by accident, subsume Jaskier's happiness at being with Geralt, even within - as Jaskier indicates - one specific group of people?
He'd wanted to refute his self-centeredness before Jaskier left, because it's obvious they've reached the end.
He finds some small, bitter irony in it. Jaskier - who hates Claude's insight, his being right, so deeply - had nonetheless done more or less what Claude had predicted. He'd come over to apologize, and had in fact explained why Claude deserved it. He's accused Claude of being self-centered while making an apology to Claude almost solely about himself. He hasn't even acknowledged most of what Claude said, never mind how he felt or why he felt it. Presumably, if it's not about Jaskier, it doesn't actually matter.
No wonder this soured so quickly when Jaskier no longer needed him for sex.
Claude wonders just how long Jaskier had been riding this out because some fallback was better than none. Quite awhile, clearly; the man has been gritting his teeth through Claude's company, at his own admission, for months. Whether or not it was a conscious maneuver on the bard's part, the fact that Jaskier's 'patience' just happened to run out the moment he could formally drop Claude seems far too convenient to be entirely coincidence. Jaskier suddenly had less reason to hold back, and the dam broke.
His voice is still quiet at Jaskier's back.]
Farewell, Jaskier.
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I... didn't know what to say. ...Not 'til Jaskier started snapping at you, anyway, and I think Claude covered that more eloquently than I could have.
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[Which is not quite true, apparently. But he can continue to say so until it becomes true, right?]
Hmph. All that talk about not fighting his battles for him, and then Claude stepped in to fight mine for me.
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[That hint of anger fades, though, and Grant glances more thoughtfully at Felix.] ...Mm. I guess he figured it was a part of his war, so to speak... but, yeah. It's... it's a fair concern.
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[Felix glances at him, though, and thinks through what he knows about Grant, when he sees that expression.]
...but I appreciate the thought.
[He grunts, noncommittal, at Grant's assessment of the rest.]
Or he didn't like the way he thought I would handle it.
[Judging by the way he keeps chastising Felix in front of other people, Claude often doesn't like the way he handles things. Ugh.
Then he frowns and shakes his head.]
Doesn't matter. None of this is about me.