victory_road | [Closed]

"I doubt it would have made a difference," Claude murmurs. "I don't think...Jaskier ever really cared what I had to say. All waiting would have done is prolong the inevitable."

"Lunch sounds good." He smiles slightly up at Dimitri. "Would it be okay if we bring Gremlin, too? I know he doesn't need any more training, but he can sit with us while Gabby and Gwin train."

A special request from Claude - how on earth can he resist? "Of course," Dimitri agrees promptly, guiding Claude along. "Would you like to bring a chessboard along then as well? I notice that he's been getting a little more into strategy games lately... Oh, if that's the case, then I will bring Cinnamon as well."

Cinnamon being one of the younger Pokemon he has, and the little Spearow that hatched from the egg he was given by Kiri. He's a relaxed sort, not unlike Hob when she isn't trying to impress The Girlfriend, and Claude has probably seen him sunbathing most of time.

"Nah," Claude says, smiling a little at the thought of Gremlin rat-handling chess pieces across the board. "We're going to be talking, right? I wouldn't be able to focus on a game. He can just play games on the Gear if he gets bored. And I don't mind what other pokémon you bring. I'm just bringing Skittles, plus the usual suspects on my belt."

The 'usual suspects' being Sturm, Sicily, and Blitz - they rarely leave him, whether they're out or in their pokéballs. Skittles, meanwhile, peeks out from under Claude's collar at his name, then waves a leg happily to Dimitri in greeting.

Dimitri smiles back at Skittles, and waggles his fingers in a return greeting. Of course the little Pokemon would be hanging around. That's good; Claude needs to have someone there with him.

"Then I will grab my belt with my team for the day, and we'll head off. I have an idea for food that I think you will really like."

That food, as it turns out, would be curry bread - still warm and fresh in their little paper bags. Dimitri hands one to Claude, adjusting his backpack that has even more he picked up. "Eat up now," he encourages as the two of them begin heading along the beach, towards the rockier areas. "Talking about a miserable subject might disrupt your stomach, so you should get in a few bites now."

"Honestly, my appetite's been a little off ever since it happened," Claude admits, even as he inhales the scent of the curry bread. "But I usually don't have to be encouraged to eat anything with curry in it." And he does indeed take a bite, and looks pleased by it.

"Anyway, I don't think talking about it is going to disrupt me any more than I already am."

Dimitri isn't entirely sure if he can do anything for Claude on the matter of a shattered friendship, but to see him enjoy eating from something Dimitri gave to him... That is something. A trivial little something, perhaps, and yet still something all the same.

Better than, anyway, than to hear that Claude's appetite has been affected ever since then, and Dimitri brushes their arms together. "I simply wanted to be careful. You deserve to be treated with care, Claude. You are so precious, after all, at least to me." Stepping up onto the rocks, Dimitri offers his hand to Claude.

"When Jaskier was complaining about what he said caused him to snap out at you, I thought perhaps it would be foolish to say too much on something I knew so little about. You know I did not pry too heavily into what the two of you did together." It still felt - kind of awkward, honestly. Jaskier wasn't a part of their group, after all, just... something else. A lover in bed but nothing else. Dimitri supposes he never had any idea of how much it was nothing else. "In hindsight, I should have said something, I think. He said speaking with you felt... like being in court, that you would remember things said."

"I think," Claude says, in a voice as dry as the desert he hails from, "that Jaskier believes thinking before you speak or considering the potential consequences of your actions qualify as courtly behavior. And, as far as that goes, yes, he's refreshingly free of that kind of thing, and I'm not." He takes Dimitri's hand, pulling himself up.

"I think what he meant was that he felt like...I was using information against him. Noble machinations. But even having him tell me that, it doesn't make sense. I never used anything I knew against him that wasn't just friendly teasing, and he never acted like he took any of it as more than friendly teasing. The only thing I ever tried to use anything he told me for was to convince him that Geralt wasn't totally out of his reach the way he seemed to think, which is something he wanted to believe but wouldn't let himself. But he acted like the teasing and the encouragement were...I don't know. Weapons I was using against him. Which makes me wonder if he even remembers what court is actually like, after having been out of it for so long, because I personally would love for nobles to be conspiring to make jokes and help me hook up with my crush. That'd be a hell of a lot more pleasant than the kind of backbiting I associate with the nobility...but that's what Jaskier's lumping me in with."

He looks down at his curry bread, and sure enough, he doesn't actually feel like taking another bite of it right now. "He told me he was trying to be patient for me." Those words make the bile rise in his throat a bit. "That he understood why I'm the way I am, and he was just waiting for me to be...less of that. He thought when I trusted him, I'd become someone different. Someone more to his liking, I assume. Which I guess just means he never liked who I was in the first place - he thought it was tarnish that would buff off. And when I didn't become someone different...he claimed it was because I didn't trust him." That gets an ugly little laugh out of Claude. "I wish like hell he'd been right, and I hadn't. He didn't treat the things I did trust him with too carefully..."

He gazes at his bread, like it's the most interesting thing in the world. In reality, he'd just rather not look anywhere else right now. "The thing he was angriest about - the thing he accused me of using against him - was when I told him I started dating all of you. He'd encouraged me about you and Felix the same way I encouraged him about Geralt - telling me it wasn't hopeless. So when I got together with you guys...I told him that if things had worked out there, then maybe things weren't necessarily hopeless between him and Geralt, either. That's it. That's what I 'used against him'."

Sometimes, all one can do is listen. It is a wretched position to be in, of course - helpless, only able to be a passive receptacle, unable to take some sort of direct action that could magically make things all better. Many cannot deal with it; Dimitri cannot blame such people for feeling that way. Sometimes it feels better to do something, anything, even if it ends up making the situation worse for the future.

Dimitri at least knows how to restrain himself on that matter, sometimes. Certainly he can do it now, as he holds Claude's hand tight and quietly nudges him along the rocky path. This is the most he can do in the present moment, as Claude explains and vents and despairs. The worst thing one can do, he's found, is keep themselves standing still. At least if they are moving... Well, perhaps this is simply his own understanding. Yet it has always felt to him that, so long as one is moving or doing something, then at least that helps the words come out easier.

It helps him listen, anyway, because the alternative is falling prey to the way his heart twists with every word. From anger? Sadness? He can't entirely be sure right now; those feelings so easily intermingle in his chest. They have for a long time.

"You didn't deserve any of the words which spilled forth from his mouth," Dimitri murmurs, when he is positive that Claude has finished. When there's only the sound of waves crashing against the rocks. "I want you to know that, Claude, my guiding star. You did not deserve the accusations, and you did not deserve the actions he committed alongside them."

No doubt Claude must know that those statements are true, mustn't he? Dimitri feels that has to be true, with how often his lover has guided him back on the right path. But he feels it needs to be said aloud regardless. Given physical form in the way of spoken word.

"I cannot claim to know what is going on in his mind." Dimitri always thought that Claude knew Jaskier better than him, but if even if he doesn't know... Best to not bring it up, he thinks. "Yet I know that for some people, even the smallest thing can end up made into something greater... especially if neglected through one's own ignorance. Perhaps that has what happened to him, and what made him lash out in such a way."

Dimitri, frankly, has no idea. This feels so twisted and strange that something has to be wrong here, and he doesn't know what it could be.

Perhaps it is biased of him to believe that the fault must surely lie with Jaskier. He knows he is a rather biased person, after all.

Not that it matters, he thinks. What matters more are Claude's feelings, and Dimitri pulls him close. "...I wish I could take away all the hurt he had given you, Claude. Yet all I can say is that the man I walk besides now is a man I would not change for the world." Not the core of him, at any rate. Changing him from a miserable person to a happier one does not count, Dimitri is fairly certain.

"I know." Claude gusts out a sigh. "And honestly, on the list who would make a mountain out of a molehill due to pettiness or a lack of perspective, it's safe to say Jaskier would be near the top. Melodrama's practically his stock in trade." He moves a little closer to Dimitri, drawing comfort from his proximity.

"I guess I just thought...I mattered to him more than I did. That it'd take a lot more than some small offenses, no matter how overblown he made them in his head, to just...write me off. It's painful enough to realize you're expendable to somebody you care about, but it's a hundred times worse to realize just how little they're willing to do to keep you. And he didn't do...anything. The second anything was remotely less than ideal, he ran away, and then when he couldn't run away anymore, he gave up. I wasn't worth the effort. Any effort."

He rubs a hand over his face. "And I feel so stupid for thinking I did matter more to him than that. He's had plenty of short-lived relationships, and lost interest in most of them quickly. I knew that from early on. I thought us being friends beyond just the sex meant that even when or if the sex stopped, we'd still have the friendship - I thought it meant that what we had was different, less transient. That I wasn't going to be disposable or forgettable the way I'm sure a lot of his other partners were once he lost interest.

"Bad enough to find out I don't mean anything more to him than anyone else he's ever shared a bed with, even in the platonic sense, but it's downright embarrassing that I thought I was somehow special - that he made me feel like I was, in any way - when I wasn't. I was an idiot. He told me he wanted to prove that I don't know everything, and I guess in the most twisted way possible, he did. He proved that as clever as I think I am, I can still be conned. I can still be humbled by someone who plays people better than I do - reminded I'm not as smart or as special as I thought."

He lets himself be drawn into Dimitri's arms, resting his forehead against the other man's shoulder. "Right now, I don't care what I do or don't deserve," he murmurs, eyes closed. "I'm just glad you're here. I'm just glad you're you."

To believe that you had to have mattered to someone more than you did... His relationship with all of his lovers here is the first romantic or intimate relationship Dimitri has ever had in his life. And yet Dimitri knows betrayal. He knows what it is to have hopes and fondness towards someone, only to be sharply reminded of how little he matters at all save to the very few who seem to believe him precious enough.

Dimitri reaches around himself as Claude leans against him, takes a hold of Claude's shoulder so that he can pull him all the closer. "To play implies that he planned all of this from the start, that you were always meant to be a pawn in some selfish game of his. And perhaps I am merely naive for thinking such things, but... I do not believe he planned ahead for such things. I do not believe clever schemes like that are cards he has in his deck."

Another kiss, into Claude's hair. "I saw this not to absolve him of what he did... but because I do not believe you could have foreseen this result when he acted so sincerely, from the start to the unfortunate end. This was all... simple unpredictable emotion, from a single person. Do not lambast yourself so much, my beloved. I do not think even Jaskier's own partner could have foreseen this."

And Geralt has known Jaskier for a very long time.

"I don't know that he necessarily intended to use me," Claude acknowledges. "Or that he had anything about what was going to happen planned in advance. But...I think it's fair to say that everything he did, he did because it furthered the agenda of what he wanted. I don't know if he ever actually considered me at all - whether I'd want him hiding things from me or how I'd feel about it if he did, the importance of anything I shared with him or what that said about how much I trusted him, how I'd feel about the things he said or the way he ended our arrangement. Especially in light of some of the things I'd told him.

"Nothing about me was ever really important. The person he wanted me to be was important. What he wanted to get out of me was important. But not me, personally. And he made me believe otherwise, long enough to get the things he could get out of me, right up until he didn't need anything from me anymore. Then, all of a sudden, he realized I was never going to be the person he wanted me to be, because he didn't have any incentive left to keep pretending otherwise."

Claude pauses for a moment. "I guess what I'm saying is, I don't think he planned it. I don't think he's self-aware enough or responsible enough to consider how he affects other people, unless it comes to his music. All he did was act with blind selfishness all the way through, with no particular thought or intent beyond enjoying himself...but he convinced me otherwise, and that played into his getting exactly what he wanted. And after who knows how many years out of his forty that he's been doing this, even if it's only subconsciously, I'm sure he's learned what works. I'm sure he's figured out exactly how to make people feel special, like he cares about them, when he's never really looking past himself and what he wants from them. So whether or not he consciously chose to trick me...I was tricked all the same."

He sighs. "But I will say this - sincerity isn't always a virtue. Everything Jaskier did was sincere enough; that I can believe. I don't think he faked any of the whims or emotions he acted on, anyway. But toddlers are sincere. Sincerity without self-awareness or self-control is just self-absorption. And he hurt me out of his own sincere self-interest. But I guess that means you're right - if it was all real, then that probably means everything was as instantaneous as it happened. And how could I predict that? It's like petting a cat and trying to predict when it'll bite. It can happen so fast and without warning that there isn't any predicting it."

As he listens to Claude, Dimitri cannot help but think that he is listening to a man put all of his thoughts together on the metaphorical table before them, watching as each one is connected and made all the more detailed. It... is a good thing, he thinks. Claude always does so well with connecting details to the larger picture, both in making them happen and in understanding them. And if he understands... Maybe that can be a step towards healing.

Dimitri hopes so, of course. He wants to see Claude lighten up again.

"That is the nature of some hearts," Dimitri agrees softly, when Claude finally winds down to a finish. "Sometimes, they cannot stop themselves from one emotion to the next." That might be most hearts, actually... But they are tempered by other things as well. Regardless...

As they reach some slightly flatter rock, not so round or uneven, Dimitri shifts so that he can stand before Claude with his hand in his. He moves down onto one knee, smooth, practiced, and raises his love's knuckles to his brow.

"But what I can promise you is that I will always consider you. I will always find you important. If my sincerity ever causes you harm, I will change whatever I must should you ever speak so much as a word of it."

Oh.

It deserves that italicized oh, really. Someone like Dimitri - a king (or almost, whatever) of such earnestness, the platonic ideal of a romantic fairy tale prince in a happily-ever-after love story - kneeling before anyone, holding their hand to his brow, making a solemn promise with every ounce of dedication and honesty in his being(and it's not like Dimitri's in short supply of either)...

It'd be overwhelming for anyone. And it's happening to Claude.

For a few moments, he can't even speak. He tries, but no sound comes out. When he finally manages words, there's really only one he can find. "Dimitri..."

His heart is aching in his chest, but it's no longer just from pain. Or, rather, there's a wholly different kind of pain blending with what he'd already been experiencing. It's honestly too much; he feels a treacherous pricking in his eyes, and tries not to blink. He knows what will happen if he does right now.

Ever so slightly, Dimitri shifts his head until his nose brushes against Claude's fingers, his knuckles. "It is a promise," he murmurs, before pressing his lips down against his love's knuckles.

A promise to always think of him. To love him. To wash away every trace of heart ache that he possibly can, from this wretched experience.

Dimitri looks up to Claude, still holding onto his hand. "So if you wish to be upset, then please be so. Rage, or cry, or curse. And as you do so, you can know that I will still be here, and I will do my utmost to help guide you to happier times." A small attempt at a smile. "Like good food, and the company of those like Gabby, and Gwin, and Gremlin."

"Well, that'd be easier if you hadn't totally swept me off my feet," Claude says, not quite dazedly but kissing close to it. "Doing something this ridiculously romantic...how am I supposed to think about anything else right now...?"

Which is, in effect, its own kind of success.

Well, that hadn't exactly been Dimitri's goal... But who is he to forsake a victory, even if it was not earned in the way he thought? Dimitri's smile grows wider. "Then feel free to think about nothing else but me. I will admit, shameless and selfish as it may be, I take a certain amount of pleasure to occupying your heart so much."

Pushing himself up onto his feet, he grins. "So let us enjoy that sort of moment, and I will show you what it truly means to be swept off your feet." That's all the warning Claude gets before Dimitri moves around him, enough to bend down and just... indeed, sweep him off his feet. Literally. Into Dimitri's arms and cradled against his chest.

Okay, Claude's fairly certain he's either died or he never actually woke up this morning. Surely this kind of thing can't be something that actually happens in real life. This is strictly a heaven or good dream kind of deal, isn't it?

But, no, he feels Dimitri's strong arms cradling him like he weighs nothing at all(quite possibly, to Dimitri, he doesn't), the warmth of his chest against Claude, blond hair tickling Claude's fingers where his arms have instinctively gone around Dimitri's neck...

No, he's actually in the arms of a handsome prince right out of a fairy tale.

Yeah, Jaskier's forgotten like he never existed.

Dimitri gets to witness the most satisfying thing in the world. Claude, blushing up to his ears, looking at him and not being able to put together one single coherent word to say.

Possibly, Dimitri suspects he should feel guilty for feeling so pleased with himself. After all, while he's glad that he can pull one over on Claude to put him into such a shocked and flustered state, he knows that a part of it is only because Claude is in such a poor state thanks to what happened to Jaskier. But regardless... It is nice to see, and perhaps just a slight boost to his ego in the meanwhile.

Silver linings in clouds, and all that.

Speaking of clouds... Some of the pokeballs on Dimitri's belt start to shake, before releasing of their own accord. There's Gabby, stumbling forward on her little hooves, and Gwin quickly following after with a short flutter of his wings. Both of them immediately start to make a ruckus, with delighted little moos on Gabby's end that are matched by the musical trills provided by Gwin. All of this silly nonsense seems to have gotten them worked up, considering how the large cloud bird is bobbing from side to side, and Dimitri laughs as well.

Right... He wanted to help Claude, cheer him up. He can't do anything about Jaskier... But he can do things about himself. And that means he can make Claude happy.

"Come, you haven't finished your bread!" he says, starting to jog forward with both Pokemon in tow. "The morning has only just started, Claude!"

Gabby moos her excited agreement.

At the emergence of some of Claude's favorite pokémon ~~outside of his own, but honestly even within them too~~, and Dimitri's laughter...Claude laughs, too.

It's always been a bright sound that Dimitri's made no secret of loving, but it's even more appealing for its not having been heard much lately.

He smiles at Dimitri as the man continues forward. "Careful," he warns him, though his tone is light. "This isn't the best footing, and I don't know how well you can see where you're going holding me like this..." But, with that practicality addressed, he smiles at Dimitri, and his eyes are shining almost as much as they used to. "But what exactly were you planning on doing with the morning from here? You make it sound like we've got an itinerary."

"I will be fine!" Dimitri says confidently. Besides him, Gwin bobs his head up and down, trilling out again. Somehow, the sounds he make match the number of syllables in Dimitri's words. "And I did not make any particular plans, but there is so much to do - we will certainly find something."

Anything to make Claude keep laughing, and smiling, bathed in light like he always should be. The darkness of depression doesn't suit him, in Dimitri's opinion. He deserves better. Whatever Dimitri can do to give him that, he will.

Gabby moos a little bit in warning, and Dimitri pauses, twisting his head so that he can properly see the rough terrain she's alerting him to. "At any rate, I told you to finish your meal! And then..." A pause, and Dimitri gives Claude a boyish grin. "We can explore all the nooks and crannies that can be found along the beach. I've never had a chance to do so, you know." Faerghus not really having comfortable beaches like this. "So you'll have to be my teacher."

[Closed]

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