Who: What remains of Team Femblemtroika What: With a few hard hitting losses to the gang, they all try to deal with it. This may mean a roadtrip through Kanto. When: February Where: Starting in Olivine, ending in the vague and widely defined area of Kanto Warnings: None besides their grief (as of yet)
"Dimitri has been doing well here. His moods are more stable, he is not so prone to fits of ill temper. He has found happiness and enjoyment in activities that he would have never before allowed himself to consider."
This may seem like a bit of a non-sequitur, but it is a relevant thing, as Dimitri's happiness so often is to Dedue's actions.
"Were I to speak to him of these pains that I have..." he shakes his head, as though dismissing the very notion of it. "He would believe himself responsible for it. I will not be the whip by which he flagellates himself."
"...Yeah, that... may be a fair concern." He can see that much even before asking: "Why would he think he's responsible? Aside from, just... the standard Dimitri reasons."
"Dimitri may have told some of this to you before, though I doubt if he speaks often of it."
For reasons that will very soon be obvious. It takes a certain kind of mood to decide to casually bring up that time you were imprisoned in normal conversation.
"Shortly after our return to Fhirdiad from Garreg Mach, the Lord Regent-- Dimitri's uncle-- was murdered. Dimitri was accused of the crime and was to be imprisoned until his execution. I could not allow such a thing to come to pass, and broke into the dungeons to retrieve him by whatever means necessary."
You know, as one does.
"I was able to secure his escape, but I was captured in the process. The true perpetrator of the Lord Regent's death was Cornelia, his court mage, and she was... wroth that Dimitri had escaped her clutches. She believed that since I had freed him, I would know where he had gone."
It's not an unreasonable assumption, and it was true that Dedue had plans for where to take Dimitri after their escape-- to Fraldarius, as he had no doubts that Rodrigue would do everything in his power to shield the prince from harm. He had no way of accounting for what path Dimitri would take when feral and half-mad with grief, though.
"I do not know the exact amount of time that I remained in the dungeons in Dimitri's stead, but it was not insignificant. They wished for me to speak, and I did not. I bear a great many scars from their efforts. I believe they intended to bring me to the block as well, once it was clear they had no use for me, but I was rescued by my kin before they could put me to the axe. I do not remember much from this time, as my injuries were severe and many of my wounds had badly soured. It took years for me to fully recover from the extent of it."
He speaks of it evenly, calmly, as though he is recalling something from a history text rather than personal experience.
"My capture was not Dimitri's fault. It was my choice to enter the dungeons, and I was fully aware of the potential consequences of my actions. I do not blame him, nor would I wish for him to blame himself for the end results of what I have done."
Listening to Dedue explaining, step by step, what he means, why Dimitri may blame himself for Dedue's injuries... slowly, Grant stops scrubbing in favor of just watching Dedue, brows furrowed in concern and sympathy. It's... it's a lot. It's a lot that he doesn't at all regret asking about, but it's still a lot.
"I... I see." He suspects there's not much point to offering any kind of condolences; it's long past, and Dedue obviously doesn't regret it, in the end. "...And I see why you'd be worried about Dimitri blaming himself. Like you said, it's obviously not his fault, but... yeah, I wouldn't put it past him. Even if I can't imagine he'd want you keeping it from him, either."
Hell, Grant suspects he'd be inclined to hold himself responsible to some degree if someone got hurt so badly saving him, and his self-worth problems are nowhere near as bad as Dimitri's.
"I do not believe that he is entirely unaware," he says. "Dimitri has been injured himself, and he reads my face better than most. He can likely infer that I am sometimes in pain. But I do not wish to burden him."
Is it entirely healthy, the way that Dedue will continually prioritize Dimitri's wellbeing over his own? Probably not, but that's the flavor of this particular brand of codependency.
"And I apologize if this topic has become uncomfortable for you. I understand that this story is not a pleasant one."
And worse, perhaps, because of the fact that Grant knows him. It's one thing to hear of something like this and think it terrible, another to be aware that it happened to someone you're fond of.
Grant frowns a little bit at that, turning Dedue's words over in his head. Speaking of choosing words carefully... "I see your concerns, for sure. But... you know he wouldn't see you being open about your pain as a burden, right? If he can likely tell, anyway, he might actually feel better with you confiding in him."
That isn't the core of the problem here, of course - but he feels it's part of it, and... he suspects there's a way to go before he or anyone else can start effectively addressing The Rest. For now, the best he's got is to try and lead into the idea that... maybe Dedue's wellbeing can coexist with Dimitri's, actually.
He shakes his head. "No-- it's alright, I asked. I'm just glad you felt you could tell me."
“And he may still burden himself with guilt, regardless of my reassurance.”
What is he to do, when Dimitri burdens himself with undeserved guilt? Dedue could tell him that it isn’t his fault until he’s blue in the face, and it would likely do little to alleviate him. And Felix isn’t even here anymore to tell Dimitri that he’s being foolish— Dedue did not expect that this would be the thing that he misses about him.
Grant has taken his unpleasant story quite well, though, with neither pity nor judgment. Dedue appreciates it; he doesn’t regret what he did, and should the choice present itself to him again, he would do the same.
“Even so, thank you for listening to me. I do not often speak of such things.”
Grant sighs, staring down into the sink. God, he wishes there were a straightforward solution here - and he's sure Dedue feels much the same.
"Oh, no problem - I think it's good to get this stuff out there sometimes, y'know? Not being able to talk about shit that's really impacted you can get... rough."
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victory_road2023-02-10 06:43 pm
no subject
This may seem like a bit of a non-sequitur, but it is a relevant thing, as Dimitri's happiness so often is to Dedue's actions.
"Were I to speak to him of these pains that I have..." he shakes his head, as though dismissing the very notion of it. "He would believe himself responsible for it. I will not be the whip by which he flagellates himself."
no subject
no subject
For reasons that will very soon be obvious. It takes a certain kind of mood to decide to casually bring up that time you were imprisoned in normal conversation.
"Shortly after our return to Fhirdiad from Garreg Mach, the Lord Regent-- Dimitri's uncle-- was murdered. Dimitri was accused of the crime and was to be imprisoned until his execution. I could not allow such a thing to come to pass, and broke into the dungeons to retrieve him by whatever means necessary."
You know, as one does.
"I was able to secure his escape, but I was captured in the process. The true perpetrator of the Lord Regent's death was Cornelia, his court mage, and she was... wroth that Dimitri had escaped her clutches. She believed that since I had freed him, I would know where he had gone."
It's not an unreasonable assumption, and it was true that Dedue had plans for where to take Dimitri after their escape-- to Fraldarius, as he had no doubts that Rodrigue would do everything in his power to shield the prince from harm. He had no way of accounting for what path Dimitri would take when feral and half-mad with grief, though.
"I do not know the exact amount of time that I remained in the dungeons in Dimitri's stead, but it was not insignificant. They wished for me to speak, and I did not. I bear a great many scars from their efforts. I believe they intended to bring me to the block as well, once it was clear they had no use for me, but I was rescued by my kin before they could put me to the axe. I do not remember much from this time, as my injuries were severe and many of my wounds had badly soured. It took years for me to fully recover from the extent of it."
He speaks of it evenly, calmly, as though he is recalling something from a history text rather than personal experience.
"My capture was not Dimitri's fault. It was my choice to enter the dungeons, and I was fully aware of the potential consequences of my actions. I do not blame him, nor would I wish for him to blame himself for the end results of what I have done."
no subject
"I... I see." He suspects there's not much point to offering any kind of condolences; it's long past, and Dedue obviously doesn't regret it, in the end. "...And I see why you'd be worried about Dimitri blaming himself. Like you said, it's obviously not his fault, but... yeah, I wouldn't put it past him. Even if I can't imagine he'd want you keeping it from him, either."
Hell, Grant suspects he'd be inclined to hold himself responsible to some degree if someone got hurt so badly saving him, and his self-worth problems are nowhere near as bad as Dimitri's.
no subject
Is it entirely healthy, the way that Dedue will continually prioritize Dimitri's wellbeing over his own? Probably not, but that's the flavor of this particular brand of codependency.
"And I apologize if this topic has become uncomfortable for you. I understand that this story is not a pleasant one."
And worse, perhaps, because of the fact that Grant knows him. It's one thing to hear of something like this and think it terrible, another to be aware that it happened to someone you're fond of.
no subject
That isn't the core of the problem here, of course - but he feels it's part of it, and... he suspects there's a way to go before he or anyone else can start effectively addressing The Rest. For now, the best he's got is to try and lead into the idea that... maybe Dedue's wellbeing can coexist with Dimitri's, actually.
He shakes his head. "No-- it's alright, I asked. I'm just glad you felt you could tell me."
no subject
What is he to do, when Dimitri burdens himself with undeserved guilt? Dedue could tell him that it isn’t his fault until he’s blue in the face, and it would likely do little to alleviate him. And Felix isn’t even here anymore to tell Dimitri that he’s being foolish— Dedue did not expect that this would be the thing that he misses about him.
Grant has taken his unpleasant story quite well, though, with neither pity nor judgment. Dedue appreciates it; he doesn’t regret what he did, and should the choice present itself to him again, he would do the same.
“Even so, thank you for listening to me. I do not often speak of such things.”
no subject
Grant sighs, staring down into the sink. God, he wishes there were a straightforward solution here - and he's sure Dedue feels much the same.
"Oh, no problem - I think it's good to get this stuff out there sometimes, y'know? Not being able to talk about shit that's really impacted you can get... rough."