01 | video | action for route 29

[getschwifty]

[The video feed immediately captures the face of rather annoyed face of Rick Sanchez, who appears to be laying on a patch of grass. A small amount of drool comes from his mouth, and he almost immediately starts berating the viewers of the video.]

I've got a goddamn fart cloud following me. It's...it's hanging around, farting all over the place. That's not even weird, it's - it's an observation. Sometimes, you just get kidna numb to this shit. How sad is that. That you can say "there's a purple fart cloud shitting all over the place" and...and not feel anything from that, man. It's just - hey, you know? There it goes. Fartin'. All over the place. Not even with the slightest hint of irony or any of that...you know, "el oh el so ran-dumb I'm a scene kid rawr" bulls-[urghh]-hit.

[...you know what to hell with this g-rated disney crap his unibrow narrows.]

Alright, you know what, screw this. Somebody point me to where I can get a drink. Oh, and also? If nobody shuts the g-godamn mu-[eerrghh]-sic off, I'm going to go apeshit. T-t-tha...It's not hyperbole. I will literally go apeshit on everybody.

Comments

[Video]

[meteorman]

[Oh no. There goes the neighborhood, right down the shitter. It was a nice universe while it lasted.]

You have had more than enough to drink by the looks of it.

[No 'hello, how are you, nice to see you're out of that dank space prison'. Pleasantries are wasted on Rick Sanchez.]

[permavid]

[getschwifty]

[It takes him a second. But Rick would recognize that voice anywhere, and immediately he's super into this.]

Hoooooolllyyyy ballsacks, Pines! You're loo-lookin a lot older than they way they draw you on your wa...wanted posters, bro!

[meteorman]

I would say that's a good thing. It means they haven't managed to get any recent surveillance images.

Unlike some people I could mention, I don't go out of my way to look for trouble.

[Yep. Two seconds in and they're bickering. Seems right. Also fuck you, Rick, he's in excellent physical condition.]

[getschwifty]

We'll assume that's because they don't keep surveillance in gay bars, am I - am I right, Fordsy? Haha, yeah! Up top!

[he's a little offended by that notion! it doesn't show.]

Also? I don't look for trouble, Pines. I-it's not my fault that the Galactic Federation has sticks rammed...waaaayyy up their asses. Like, waayyyy up there.

[meteorman]

[Why did he engage. Why did he bring this on himself.]

But it is your fault that you keep flaunting the law --

[He stops and pushes up his glasses to rub the bridge of his nose. It's impossible to win an argument with Rick Sanchez unless you're physically within punching range and, unfortunately, he's halfway across the region.]

You know what, Sanchez, I don't have time for this argument right now.

I will say that it's good to see you still alive.

[getschwifty]

[Rick listens, intently. Then he clicks his tongue and raises a finger to the camera.]

No, go on. With - with the flaunting, or whatever. I've got all goddamn day, fuckboy.

[meteorman]

[Well. Let it never be said that Ford didn't at least make some vague, halfhearted motions toward maybe extending an olive branch in Rick's general direction.]

See, this is exactly what I mean. You knowingly escalate situations, presumably because spewing inflammatory garbage is easier than being thoughtful or diplomatic.

[getschwifty]

[The real issue is that he was expecting something to come out of that. Rick doesn't talk to fuckboys.]

Diplom- have you ever realized you talk like a politi-[eeergghh]-ician, Pines? You sound like a-a-an unwiped asshole.

[meteorman]

I sound like --

[He stops and turns to look at something offscreen.]

No, you really don't want --

[Too late! A strange brown creature with bright green eyes and glowing fingers is peering into the frame.]

I hope you're happy, Sanchez, you've taught my Pokemon profanity.

[getschwifty]

[Oh my Christ he is so pleased with himself. Rick bursts out laughing near immediately.]

HA-HA-HASHTAG 'GOALS', AM I RIGHT?

[meteorman]

[NO, THAT IS THE WRONG REACTION, YOU DRUNKEN GREMLIN]

This is not something to be proud of! Roswell, you are not to repeat anything he says.

[getschwifty]

Roswell, y-ya got tell Ford that he's - he's...he's a Garbageboy Stinkman Who Belongs In The Toilet! Ya gotta!

[meteorman]

[Roswell makes a noise that may possibly be laughter. It's kind of impressive that she's making a noise at all considering she might not have a mouth? What the fuck is Beheeyem even]

She will not.

[She does, however, think that Rick is delightfully amusing. He's not going to give Rick the satisfaction of knowing this. No weird alien child of his is going to like Rick Sanchez.]

Corrupt your own partner if you have to corrupt something.

[getschwifty]

My dude's boring.

[Rick, still laying down in the grass, flips his PokeGear camera over. There is, in fact, a Koffing floating there. It looks judgemental. Then he flips the camera back over. There's some grass in his hair.]

But I'm sure he - he also thinks you're a Garbageboy Stinkman W-who Belongs In The Toilet.

[meteorman]

I don't know why he would take your word for it considering you insist on referring to him as a 'fart cloud'. He's a Koffing.

[getschwifty]

I kinda garnered that from him saying it every 2 minutes, bro.

[meteorman]

I am not your bro.

Pokemon are actually quite intelligent. He's likely attempting to communicate with you.

[getschwifty]

I'd - you know, I'm gonna take a quick fucking second here to point out that that was a...a sarcastic "bro". Like. Like, not a "hey bro" "bro". That was a nihilistic "bro", bro.

[meteorman]

[ARE YOU BROING ME IRONICALLY]

Duly noted. I think you're the only man I've ever met who would ever use 'nihilistic' and 'bro' in the same sentence.

[getschwifty]

You haven't done a lot of d-d-dimension-hopping then, bro. Ford Fuckin Pines, laaaayyy-dies and gentlemen.

[meteorman]

I've done plenty. You and I just run in very different circles by nature.

[getschwifty]

Yet, we still ended up in the saaaammeee fucking...fucking jail cells or whatever. I guess you're still all Mi-mi..mister "masturbatory pursuit of knowledge" but come the hell on, broseph.

[meteorman]

... Touché. My record isn't... spotless.

[He could leave it there BUT]

But I would like to point out that I was only classified as a wanted criminal because someone with clout had a grudge against me.

[Video]

[agent3]

[Oh. There's...another old guy who talks a lot on here now? Hm. Thida stares contemplatively at the 'gear for about half a minute, perfectly silent, before finally speaking.]

Where's th'fart?

[Look buddy if you say you have a fartcloud then show us the fartcloud]

[getschwifty]

The fuck do you mean "where's the fart".

[agent3]

Said y'got a fartcloud. Show it.

[Don't make her pound on a table and chant "fartcloud"]

[Video]

[fehcatsap]

[Josuke figures it might be better if this guy just gets whatever out of his system.]

Better just get whatever rampage you're gonna go on over with, then.

[getschwifty]

You're telling me that there's - there's nooooo way I'm getting that shit off. Do you guys not even sell fuckin earplugs?

[fehcatsap]

[That is... actually a really good idea, come to think of it.]

Hadn't actually thought of that. If they'd be anywhere they'd probably be in Goldenrod, that's where most stuff is.

[getschwifty]

[...pff.]

Goldenrod.

[fehcatsap]

Yeah I donno who decided that like every city needed a color in its name, but that's the truth.

[getschwifty]

...Yeah, that's what I was c-chuckling at. The color.

[fehcatsap]

Not what you had in mind?

It's a good idea though, thanks.

[getschwifty]

I'm full of 'em, kid. T-the best ideas, yo.

[fehcatsap]

Lookin' forward to seeing what else you got, then. Maybe not right now, though.

Audio

[seasalthands]

You better get used to that music. It's never going away...

I mean you learn to love it. [He starts humming one of the bars for a bit longer than anyone appreciates.] It's just great. It's really great.

[getschwifty]

They're fucking brainwashing you. Rise up. Be a - a leader. Don't go - go around bein a...bein a fuckin' Jerry all your miserable sack-a-shit life.

[seasalthands]

Damn, you might be right. I'm clearly being brainwashed into enjoying this shitty music and talking to these animal like companions.

Either that or I accidentally drank the anesthesia at work again.

[He did that once and only because he was really really bored.]

Video

[meowbel]

[Looks like you're going to have to deal with another Pines family member telling you off!]

Uh...you sure about that? It kind of looks like you're about ready to pass out there, mister!

[getschwifty]

[WHAT IS WITH YOU PEOPLE. IS THERE JUST SOMETHING WITH PINES DNA??]

I'm fully...fully functio-[eeeerghh]-ional, kiddo. Chill t-the hell out.

[meowbel]

[THAT AND IT'S DISNEY]

You sure? Because it really looks like you could use some time to sit down or something!

Video

[thedifferencebetween]

Eh, ya get used to the music.

Ya know, like you get used to a persistent rash or that god awful neighbor dog that just doesn't shut up ever.

Welcome to the funhouse.

[getschwifty]

Gee, I think I just cut myself on an edge just from listening to y-you talk.

[thedifferencebetween]

I'm just saying...the music never, ever, ever goes away.

And it's not even coming from anywhere! It's friggin atmospheric!