victory_road | text | anon as possible

Oh. Oh, shit.

[Jean knows this feeling a little too well, and he wraps an arm around Fido.]

I know what that's like.

[Deep breath.]

It happened to me once, too. Me and Armin. It was a holiday, and they were shooting off fireworks. We hadn't been here very long, and didn't know what it was, and...

[And it had sounded like cannons.]

I tackled Armin into a snowbank.

... You just reacted. Because it was too close to something else.

[He says it quietly. Thoughtfully. It really does sound familiar. Like how every time he tried to think about that day, that night, his brain short-circuited. How trying to talk to Keith about it had resulted in something so real, he could have sworn he was there.]

[One hand squeezes Jean's shoulder again. It's okay. He's here. He's got you.]

I'm sorry. You shouldn't... have to know what this is. What it feels like.

Yeah, exactly. I heard the fireworks, and I just... reacted.

[Much like Shiro did, it sounds like.]

We went back into the hotel and drank hot chocolate and I'm pretty sure we both got the shakes. [Jean laughs a little.] I wanted Fisch to spend the night in my room with me, but he was too big. Even though I knew it wasn't cannons making the noise.

[Jean gently nudges Shiro in the ribs with his elbow.]

You shouldn't have to either. Nobody should.

It's ... yeah. I know it wasn't the Galra. I know they were just pokemon. Maybe scared, like Ford thinks. But...

[But now the nightmares have come back. Adding Jean and Armin and Newt and Sasha and Harry and Ford and so many others to the mix. He can't save them. They can't ever run fast or far enough and they keep calling and crying and they're going to die if he doesn't --]

[Luna's claws dig into his calves about the same time Jean digs a bony elbow into him.]

Sorry. What?

[It's a little scary, the way Shiro drifts off like that. That must be what it looks like when someone is getting trapped inside their own mind, and Jean wonders if he's ever done that to Armin or Bertolt. He probably has, and he should apologize to them for it.]

I said you shouldn't have to know what this is like. Remembering stuff like this.

[He pauses for a moment, long enough for Fat Ice Dog to pat a consoling flipper on Shiro's knee. There, there.]

I still don't like fireworks. But if I know they're coming, they don't bother me so much. Not anymore.

[It hasn't happened in a long time. Not since he first started using Haunter and its skills. It hadn't happened often back on the Castle either. But now... This is the third or fourth time since the Prom.]

[He pushes a hand through his hair.]

It is what it is, I guess. [More pets for the Spheal and Luna.] Are the voltorbs different for you? When they explode, I mean.

Yeah. I can't say I've been through something like that....precisely. But it was....something.

I'm sorry to hear it hit so close to home for you. It's no wonder sleep is more difficult after that.

it might be easier if I knew if I knew it wasn't going to happen again - that it couldn't happen again. Now I'm just here. wondering when I'm going to look up and see it

That's understandable.

But it's also not good to have stuck in your head. Sometimes there are things we just ....don't know. And unless they find out more about those things then yes there is a chance they might show up again.

But.....we're all spread out now. If they show up again it's also possible that you might not be there. Or maybe in the future they'll figure out what brought them here and they will be able to say that it won't happen again and be sure about it. It takes time. And I know that doesn't help you at the moment, or maybe it does just a little.

But you aren't alone here. If your anonymous post has shown anything it's that people want to help others. Even if they can't fully make the exact situation stop for them.

But you should try to avoid spending all your time thinking about it. If you have any hobbies or anything that you can do to take your mind off of things, I'd suggest that.

Oh, and don't isolate yourself. It only makes paranoia worse. I know that one from experience.

[True he'd sort of had to as he was in hiding but he's well aware now that it didn't help his mental state.]

I don't Actually know if that will help or not. Not yet. It isn't that I don't appreciate it. I do. I Don't really know what I'm saying. Aside from "thank you".[He wishes he were better at this. But explaining your brain hangups wasn't something you learned how to do while trying to lead a team of space freedom fighters.]

That's okay, I understand.

And you're welcome. I hope things get easier for you. Feel free to text me if you need to talk sometime. I don't mind.

[He's more then familiar with not being able to explain brain hangups and to some extent he'd never really had to. It was more trying to explain them to himself. Which is why here, he always stresses talking to people. He'd never been able to do that back home with the cult after them and having to sound sane enough that they wouldn't take his kid away from him. But it's different here.]

I... will try to take you up on that. When I think I can talk about this, more personally.

[And he hopes he will be able to. Because, truly, he's grateful for Harry -- that he's trying so hard. That he's making an effort. He does want it to work.]

[But only time will tell.]

Yeah.

[Sadly, there aren't any Pokemon out there that actually eat memories, just dreams.]

They don't explode around me. Blitz knows I don't like it so when they're doing their exploding games, he makes them go somewhere else.

[Blitz is a good orb.]

If I know it's coming, though, and I can see the Voltorb that's going to do it? It doesn't bother me so much. Because I know it's just one of them, and that they're exploding because they want to be better at battle and protect someone.

I don't know how you do it with Blitz. But every time you tell me something like that, I feel really proud of you.

[More than usual even. Because let's face it, part of Jean's unofficial adoption is always being at leas a little proud of him.]

I can see how that would help, though. That it's meant differently than a cannon would be.

Pfffft...

[Okay, shit, now Jean's all flustered and flattered, and he flashes Shiro a quick, sidelong grin.]

He's not a bad Pokemon. He's just... challenging. Once you know how to work with him, it's not that hard.

[Being fast on your feet and dodging wayward zaps helps too.]

Yeah, it's pretty helpful. A Voltorb only explodes for someone it likes, to protect them. So it's almost comforting when they do it.

Maybe like how Haunter is purple, but Haunter's a friend, so that color purple is okay?

Challenging for people who aren't you. Probably.

[Come on Jean, take the compliment. He's not going to let that go.]

But, yeah. I get what you mean. Hard to be afraid when you know why they're doing something. When they want to protect something.

Purple isn't -- really all that bad. Otherwise I'd be jumping at grape juice.

Shiro you...

You've been using your Pokemon's moves on yourself?

[Dangit. Why Hunk of all people? He can't hide anything from Hunk. He can't even try without feeling like a bad person.]

Haunter's idea. When I first got it. It started using hypnosis and dream eater, to help me get some rest. We just never stopped.

O.M.G.

YOU'VE ESSENTIALLY BEEN DRUGGING YOURSELF WITH POKEMON MOVES THIS WHOLE TIME?!

Shiro there's no way that sort of thing is healthy long term!

...right? Like it's gotta be dangerous!

What? No! Haunter wouldn't do anything to hurt me. It's not that kind of pokemon. If it were dangerous, and it didn't know -- someone would have told us by now.

That makes sense I guess...

But Haunter's moves aren't work on you now? Why's that?

They are. But Not as well.

[Jean snickers at the idea of Shiro flinching away from grape juice; it's a pretty funny mental image. But then he gets serious again.]

So what do you think it was about Prom that's making you remember?

[Jean's little laugh gets a brief smile out of him. Before he leans back. Looking at one of the star maps.]

... because it was the same way. When we were on Kerberos. The last day we were there.

How?

[It's asked with a surprising amount of gentleness; Jean knows a thing or two about memories you can't forget, after all.]

I've never been to space and I missed this last Prom. How were they the same?

text | anon as possible

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