John Egbert (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
cyclonely) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
victory_road2020-08-06 10:32 pm
cyclonely) wrote in victory_road2020-08-06 10:32 pm
[video; backdated to mid afternoon]
[Video opens on a slightly cranky-looking John, his hair even messier than usual.]
Ok, hold on a second.
[The footage moves around as John sets up his Pokegear on something so that it has a view of his workspace. He's outside, in the receiving area of the Goldenrod Department Store. John is beside a low opening into the basement of the building, with metal rollers leading a path inside. Closer to the camera is a pallet halfway piled with fairly large boxes of various things, and the sides of some other boxes visible in the corner of the screen implies there are more pallets out of view.
On top of the box John is closest to, is a fat little Pidove, shifting aimlessly from foot to foot and looking off into the middle distance at nothing in particular. It doesn't appear to notice or care when John gestures dramatically at it with both hands.]
Look at this little asshole! He won't move! I don't know why he won't move! At first I thought he was just a dumb pigeon but at this point I am almost certain he's doing this on purpose to spite me!
[Keeping intermittent meaningful eye contact with the camera, John moves over to the box beside the Pidove and bends at the knees to get a hold of it. As soon as he starts ducking down, the Pidove hops from the box it's on to the box John's holding. John's expression immediately becomes pained and he looks between the camera and the Pidove like "are you seeing this shit?!" before lifting the box up and carrying it over to the rollers.
The moment he's close, the Pidove hops down from the box and onto the first roller in line, its lower body wobbling gently back and forth as it keeps its balance.]
Every single time!
[John glares over the box in his arms at the Pidove, which trills a coo back at him, and starts hopping up and down in the low doorway.]
Get out! Shoo!
[He tries to nudge it with a foot, which it pecks, and then he bends in to start trying to push it gently with the box.
At which point it uses Gust and John and the box go shooting off the screen. Offscreen, John yells furiously and comes running back without the box, at which point the Pidove flutters aimlessly back to the box it was on at the start. John is vibrating with rage as he points a shaking finger at the Pidove, who is back to staring into the middle distance.]
Is somebody training these things?! What the fuck is this!
[He stomps over to the Pokegear, snatches it, and zooms in all the way to the Pidove's blank yellow eye before whispering fervently:] Fuck youuuuuuuu.
[He zooms out just enough so that he can move his hand in front of the screen and flip the bird at the literal bird before the screen shuts off.]
Ok, hold on a second.
[The footage moves around as John sets up his Pokegear on something so that it has a view of his workspace. He's outside, in the receiving area of the Goldenrod Department Store. John is beside a low opening into the basement of the building, with metal rollers leading a path inside. Closer to the camera is a pallet halfway piled with fairly large boxes of various things, and the sides of some other boxes visible in the corner of the screen implies there are more pallets out of view.
On top of the box John is closest to, is a fat little Pidove, shifting aimlessly from foot to foot and looking off into the middle distance at nothing in particular. It doesn't appear to notice or care when John gestures dramatically at it with both hands.]
Look at this little asshole! He won't move! I don't know why he won't move! At first I thought he was just a dumb pigeon but at this point I am almost certain he's doing this on purpose to spite me!
[Keeping intermittent meaningful eye contact with the camera, John moves over to the box beside the Pidove and bends at the knees to get a hold of it. As soon as he starts ducking down, the Pidove hops from the box it's on to the box John's holding. John's expression immediately becomes pained and he looks between the camera and the Pidove like "are you seeing this shit?!" before lifting the box up and carrying it over to the rollers.
The moment he's close, the Pidove hops down from the box and onto the first roller in line, its lower body wobbling gently back and forth as it keeps its balance.]
Every single time!
[John glares over the box in his arms at the Pidove, which trills a coo back at him, and starts hopping up and down in the low doorway.]
Get out! Shoo!
[He tries to nudge it with a foot, which it pecks, and then he bends in to start trying to push it gently with the box.
At which point it uses Gust and John and the box go shooting off the screen. Offscreen, John yells furiously and comes running back without the box, at which point the Pidove flutters aimlessly back to the box it was on at the start. John is vibrating with rage as he points a shaking finger at the Pidove, who is back to staring into the middle distance.]
Is somebody training these things?! What the fuck is this!
[He stomps over to the Pokegear, snatches it, and zooms in all the way to the Pidove's blank yellow eye before whispering fervently:] Fuck youuuuuuuu.
[He zooms out just enough so that he can move his hand in front of the screen and flip the bird at the literal bird before the screen shuts off.]
video;
Well, I cannot say I am surprised that your incompetency does not end at the register. A considerable pity for your employers.
[Yeah.]
Tell me, boy. Have you considered battling the creature? Capturing it, perchance? Truly you cannot be so dimwitted to have not considered the most obvious solution to your laughable tribulations.
no subject
Sure, he knows the internet isn't closed off. He's known since he got his first personal computer when he was 10: things on the internet are out there for anyone to see.
But for some reason it never occurred to him that THIS jack ass--the dude Dirk was maybe black flirting with somehow?--that HE'D find John's post. Maaan. Now he has two dumb things to contend with at once.
He glares into the screen of his 'gear and responds in a loud, angry voice that isn't quite shouting, holding the device far enough away from his face to avoid any spiking audio.]
Wow, you are SO SURE that that is a great thing for me to do on the job! I guess you must be my new boss! I guess you bought the company! I guess YOU'RE going to explain to the Jennies why I am doing destructive battle moves in a major population centre!
no subject
Which means Solus is just offering him that smug smirk, his eyebrows raising with notable amusement.]
If I were indeed your new boss, I would just as quickly be your old boss—for I would not suffer your incompetency for longer than is necessary. And ever are you not necessary.
[he says all of that in such a light and nasally tone, that it almost sounds as friendly as it is mocking.]
But am I to believe they have no countermeasures for pests of this sort? Never did they imagine that one of these creatures might find contentment in hassling their employees? Perhaps this is why they continue to suffer you: they are of equal incompetence.
no subject
Big words from a dumb ass who wouldn't have any staff members left in a day! If you WERE my new boss, I would quit! And then your business would fail because you suck at business!
Anyway, why would they have countermeasures for what is obviously some kind of devious Team Rocket plot? Or maybe this is you! I am pretty sure I've heard that the criminal always returns to the scene of the crime, so maybe this is all part of your scheme!
no subject
[But then he puts on his own dramatic display: an over the top sigh as he shrugs and shakes his head in put upon defeat.]
But I suppose there is no reason to deny it—yes. This is truly my grand scheme, to send a single wayward avian to inconvenience you at work for some unknown and senseless reason. By your infallible leaps of logic, you have uncovered the villain.
Good work.