victory_road | [closed] February Catch All

good.
you would be surprised how hard it is to get some people to even do that much.

[Is this why Felix is constantly yelling at Sylvain and Dimitri? ...maybe.]

Oh i dont doubt it. But I generally like being alive these days so I can at least say i won't be one of them
Maybe between us we can get through to anyone still having trouble with that

[Felix narrows his eyes at his Gear.]

these days?
still?

[Ah shit.]

Sorry that was probably tmi, i wasn't thinking
Let's just say my teens were really really bad. i mean not "being in a war" bad obviously, but pretty bad

what's tmi?
quit apologizing.
you apologize too much.
well at least that's past tense.
so keep it that way.
if you get self-sacrificial and make dimitri grieve for you
I'll kill you.

[Oh goddammit. Well, at least, without Felix standing right there and glowering at him, it's not setting off his damn fight or flight response.

...Instead, he's realizing he's. A little bit annoyed, actually??]

Too much information
well i'm sorry i apologize so much.
Anyway i've said nothing to indicate i was going to do that and actually just said I was doing better? you can hold onto the redundant death threats

[Felix blinks at his Gear for a moment. Huh. That's new.]

it wasn't too much information.
but I'm sick of people thinking so little of themselves.
it leads to nothing but tragedy.
and we've all had enough of that.
so if you're doing better
then good
but stop apologizing so much.
it makes you feel like you have to keep doing it.
you usually don't.

well I can get that at least, and I can assure you i intend to keep looking after myself
And i appreciate that but i really need you to understand how much telling someone off for over-apologizing isn't gonna help
It's jsut gonna make them feel like they did something wrong, and then like they've got to apologize again.

[Now Felix is frowning at his Gear, confused.]

if you didn't preemptively apologize in the first place
then you wouldn't feel like you did anything wrong at all
and I wouldn't feel like you're asking me to forgive you for nothing.
the apology feels fake.
like you're telling me how I feel about what you said.

[LOTS of confused frowning at Gear going on between these two.]

what
No i apologize becaue i do feel like I've done something wrong?
Not saying anything when I feel like I screwed up wouldn't stop me from feeling like I screwed up, just like i screwed up and then ignored it
It was never my intention to try and tell you how you felt

what?
what did you think you had to apologize for?
I don't understand you.

I mean this time it was because having been a screwed up kid who didn't want to be alive isn't something most people want the person theyr'e talking to to just drop into a conversation. Saying it seemed like a mistake
And I don't understand you, so at least we're on the same page there.

ha.
fair enough.

[It's at times like these that Felix thinks hard about what Seteth used to tell him. That people who think exactly the same way he does don't exist, and if he gets angry at all of them, he'll just be angry at everyone. But he doesn't know how to figure out how people do think, and it frustrates him, and then he ends up angry anyway. He rubs his face before he starts typing again.]

but I'm not most people.
I'm me.
so
ugh
I can't explain things.
I don't know.
never mind.

That's alright, you don't have to explain if you can't figure out how.
But I'm guessing you mean I don't have to worry so much about mentioning stuff like that to you?

no.
I mean yes you don't have to worry so much but
that's not what I meant.
it's like
you decided what you thought I would think
before I had the chance to think anything
because of other people.
that makes no sense.
I don't know what I'm saying.

[After a minute, another message comes:]

wait.
Claude explained this once.
he said I was projecting.
like I was yelling at him because of expectations
and not actually because of him
and I think he was right.

[Ooookay, he thinks he's starting to get this.]

So, you mean I was projecting my expectations of how other people would react to me onto you?

yes.

[At least, he's pretty sure that's what he meant.]

shit

[Okay, do not apologize, do not apologize, do NOT apologize--]

So obviously why I do that or the way i thought of it don't change how it affected you
But if you're interestd I can try to explain?
If not that's totally fine, and either way i'll keep that in mind and try to stop doing it

Edited 2021-02-06 05:59 (UTC)

[Huh. For some reason, seeing Grant's words in text instead of hearing them out loud reminds him of something or someone familiar, although he can't put his finger on it.]

sure explain it.
mitya said he wanted us to get to know each other better.
so maybe you explain that
and then I'll explain
I don't know.
something.
you can ask me something.

[Alright. So, now that he’s offered to explain, and Felix has accepted… he’s got to get his words in order. That’s always the hardest part; he understands why he does what he does, and sometimes he can find the words for it - but sometimes they keep slipping out of his grasp, like water through his fingers.

The fever has made words especially slippery. He can only hope that this even makes sense.]

So I can’t promise that I’ll explain very WELL given the fever and all that, so go ahead and ask if you need me to try to explaind something differently

Uh I guess first how much do you remember about what Claude and I said about the whole werewolf thing and how that’s affected my experiences? There was a lot going on then i know it might have gotten sort of lost

oh.
I remember
a little.
I just had to leave that room.
not because of you.
just
needed to be alone for a while.
after all that.
you said people thought you were dangerous?
tbh I have no idea how they came to that conclusion.

[Looks like someone is finally learning some internet lingo from Jinx!

A minute later, another message comes:]

that's not meant to be an insult.
you're just
extremely nice.
too nice.
but perhaps that's your point.

I get that honestly, it was pretty overwhelming.
And, yes, that was the general assumption about
I mean all of us honestly. It was a conclusion that came from what i was, not anythin g I did
But what I did could be used to feed into it, if i wasn't careful.

No, I get it, you're right
Including that that's the point. or at least part of it

[And this is... the hard part.]

If I think I might have done something wrong, wehther i think the other person thinks that or not, the way it always feels, because it's how it's always been is that
If I apologize and didn't need to, maybe it'll annoy them, right/ And I don't want to annoy people
But the consequences if I didni't say I was sorry and it turned out someone thought i shoudl have been soryr were always a lot worse
It's like a reflex or at least habit. a signla that I "know" I made a mistkae, and I' msorry whether they think I should be or not
I'd rather be sort of annoyin g and over-cautious than
"Difficult". That turns into "out of control" really fast and I could never afford to be taht

Anyway again none of that chagnes how it came across to you
Which I own't apologize forunless you ask me to.

[It takes a little while for Felix to respond to this one, as he reads it over and thinks about it.]

huh.
"difficult"
my father used to call me that.
not that it was at all the same thing.
no one was afraid of me for no good reason.

[Felix frowns at the screen. It's too familiar, all of this, but he can't put his finger on exactly why.]

it's stupid.
they should judge you based on what you've actually done.
anyway no don't apologize.
none of us are from your world
and no one here cares what those people think.
usually when people apologize for nothing it's a lie.
to placate me or distract me from a real problem.
but you're apologizing for who you are.
don't do that.
never apologize for you who are.
that's a lie in its own way.

It is very stupid yeah
Ugh that really sucsk, I see why you'd be sick of it
Did people do that whole placation thing to you a LOT?
I don' tknow if it's a lie though to apologize because I think I've made a mistake
If it is I don' tknow what else I"m supposed to do when it happens.

they did.
and will even more when I go back to be duke fraldarius.
people think that if they're sorry enough they don't need to do anything to address the actual issue.
or they try to apologize to me instead of someone they actually wronged.
or they're "sorry" for something that doesn't matter hoping I'll forget I was annoyed about something that does.
or they're seeking my forgiveness for something they did to themselves.
none of it makes any sense.

it sounds to me like you only think you made a mistake because you're afraid they would consider it one.
so if you act like they're right
then you're not being yourself.
you're being the grant they wanted you to be.
maybe lie is the wrong word.
but
it's not the truth either.
and it paints me as someone I'm not too.
if you can't tell the difference
decide who grant is
and then be him.
unapologetically.

[closed] February Catch All

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