victory_road | [closed] February Catch All

"Dimitri, there's not even a reason those things would be related to begin with," Claude murmurs, resting his head against the side of Dimitri's. "People arrive and go home without warning here all the time; you know that. None of those appearances or disappearances are tied to people's sins, so why should Dedue's be tied to anything you've done? This is just...terrible timing. Two sad things happening at the same time doesn't mean they're cause and effect."

He looks down at the card. "Besides, it says it right there. It's not his fault. If even the person you hurt doesn't blame you, how can you blame yourself for it? It's just...grief from Dedue being gone, and this note appearing, and your own guilt that you've been struggling with for years trying to choke you again. It's trying to convince you that you caused all this when you didn't, just because you're understandably miserable already. It's trying to prey on you while you're weak."

"It's just a crappy part of how this place works, it's not to punish you," Grant agrees softly.

He nods, even before leaning over a bit to read the card himself. Claude's quoting from it directly, after all, he knows at least some of what it says. "Things have just... stacked together, by some awful chance. That doesn't make them your fault."

Edited 2021-02-17 07:25 (UTC)

Having his state pulled and spelled out so plainly... It's like finding some solid ground amidst so much mud. It doesn't solve everything else pouring down around him, or what's gone up to his knees, but it helps a little bit. Dimitri chokes down a breath.

"I hurt someone hard enough to scar," he murmurs. "Someone important to me - someone here. Goddess, I don't even know who." A bittersweet laugh, just a little wet. "Although not Felix." He can cross a name off the list.

Claude sighs heavily, arms tightening around Dimitri. He doesn't want to say it, but...he has to. Hiding it won't do any good now, even if admitting it feels equally bad in its own ways.

"It was me," he murmurs, just on the edge of hearing. "At the Battle of Gronder."

Unfortunately, Grant's got no idea what he can say to that.

So it's a good thing Claude can answer.

Grant shoots a startled look at him, then just... scoots to lean up against Dimitri a little more. He gets the feeling he's gonna need it.

Dimitri is absolutely going to need it.

Claude's words actually get him to look up, absolute heartbreak shining painfully through his eyes as he makes a soft and broken noise. For it to be Claude - Claude who from the very start has been trying to help him, who welcomed his kisses, that's... it's...

"I'm scum," he whispers, even as a small rat hand pokes up from the fall of his cloak to desperately scrabble against his shirt. "Claude - Grant, I shouldn't be allowed to touch either of you."

"Dimitri, no." Claude is cupping Dimitri's face almost before he even realizes it himself. "You didn't do anything wrong, okay? I was part of an army you weren't allied with, on a battlefield. I came to you, trying to strike up an alliance, but you...weren't in your right mind. How could you have been? Surrounded by blood and battle, Edelgard standing across the field, the need for vengeance against her pounding in your head and the voices of the dead in your ears?

"But I didn't know that. I didn't know what kind of state you were in, so I came to you when I didn't have to and pushed you for something you probably couldn't even make sense of at the time. It wasn't really my fault, because I couldn't have really known how bad it was without seeing it for myself, and honestly I'd probably have tried regardless even if I had...but it wasn't your fault, either. Nothing that put you in that place was anything you asked for, or even had any real control over. How could I or anyone hold what you were doing against you, when you barely knew what you were doing at all?"

He rests his forehead against Dimitri's. "And you didn't kill me. I think you could have, if you'd wanted to. But you didn't. All you wanted me to do was get out of your way; maybe if I hadn't been pestering you, you'd never have touched me at all. It was just something unfortunate that happened on the battlefield, Dimitri. That's all. I never blamed you. I knew it wasn't you. You, now, who's horrified even thinking about it - this is you. You're not the man who scarred me. You're the man who saved me."

"I attacked you while you were seeking an alliance?" Dimitri says, voice cracking from emotion. That's even worse. It would have been one thing if it were simply a mistake in the chaos of war, but that Claude was approaching him in such good faith-

Dimitri's shoulders start to shake in Grant's hands, his entire body trying not to break down into tears again even as Claude leans in close. Claude is still talking, explaining, and maybe it will be okay later, but... It still hurts to think about all of this now.

In Dimitri's hands, there's more squeaking, and then rustling from underneath his cloak as the little Budew slowly pokes her head out. There's another small cry, and then she sees just how many people are here (more than Dimitri), and hides again. Her presence reminds Dimitri of the situation, and he closes his eye with a sniffle. "...But the notes..."

"Dimitri, I don't think you were capable of hearing a word I was saying." Claude's voice is as soft and soothing as he can make it. "All you saw was an enemy. And even if I used to be a friend...well, after Edelgard, why would you trust me just based on that?"

He gently strokes Dimitri's hair with one hand, even as he looks down at the squeaking and rustling. He gives the Budew a small smile before she hides again, but...worried for her as he might be, realizing she must have been Dedue's, Dimitri has to be his primary concern now. He'll do everything he can to make it up to her later, though.

"What about the notes?"

Grant adjusts his hold, presses his forehead into Dimitri's hair, everything he can do to hold him just a little closer. It's pretty much all he's got; he wasn't there for anything they're talking about, he can't contribute much in the way of words.

He can't help that poor Budew, either, just glancing downward with some worry at her crying. That'll have to be something to think about later.

...Once they sort out this thing with the notes.

"The notes came when..." Dimitri shakes his head, struggling with the words. This is essentially a relapse, and, well. There's a lot going on in his head. Most of it noise. Just... noise.

At least the mention of the notes is enough to rouse the Indeedee in the room, and she bends over to start gathering them up, making an orderly pile. Carefully, she goes over the notes that are there, and carefully shuffles them before putting one on top. Then she holds them out to Grant.

On top, one in particular has been placed:

Sometimes I can't believe that we're friends though I wouldn't change it for anything. I'll always be here for you.

Claude looks at the note in the Indeedee's hands, then starts to smile a little. "Dimitri," he murmurs. "Do you see what that note says? It's from someone you mean a whole lot to. There's a lot of us. And you deserve each and every one of us. We don't stay with you out of charity, you know. It's because you make us happy, and we love you."

Grant takes the pile carefully, trying to avoid damaging something precious. Even if one of these notes contributed to Dimitri's current state... well, as that first on top proves, they could also hold a pretty significant key to bringing him back.

"Exactly. A lot of people really care about you - these prove that." He shuffles through carefully, his eye scanning over the text on each one almost anxiously - that one's a little too bittersweet, that one could raise too many questions--

...Well, that one there is fully positive, but Grant's not sure comments on his tits are what Dimitri needs right now.

"--Here. He's really great and it feels like I'm a better man when he's around."

Dimitri blinks at the note pile before it's pulled away for Grant to vet, with a certain confusion to his gaze as though he just... can't read anymore. The one about Claude's scar - that had been a secret he hadn't wanted him to know. So all of these...

"Even after all I've done?" he asks quietly, looking at Grant and Claude both.

"I think I may have mentioned, but who you are now hardly bears any resemblance to the person who did the terrible things you hold yourself accountable for," Claude murmurs. "When you were lost in your trauma, Dimitri, your friends stayed with you because they knew the real you, and they wanted to see you find your way back. And now that you have found your way back, none of us are worried you're going to lose your way again. So those things you've done in the past - they don't define who you are now. They definitely don't reflect anything you're ever going to do again.

"So why should anyone not want to be with you now, just because of what you've done in the past? Just because you were so traumatized for awhile that you were lashing out blindly in the dark? You don't condone the things you did - in fact you can barely forgive yourself for them, even though it was never your fault that you were pushed so far beyond what would be a breaking point for any man. And you're never going to do anything like that again. So...what bearing does your past have on your present? What would us not wanting to be around you prevent? Nothing but association with a good man. And what's the point of somehow punishing you by denying you good things yourself? It won't undo anything that happened. It's way more productive for you to do good things with your life from now on to atone for any harm you've done than it is to retroactively punish you for suffering so much already that you weren't in your right mind. The former option could actually see some useful results.

"And any man working towards good ends...he needs and deserves support. So we're here. We want to be here."

He leans in to press a kiss to Dimitri's forehead. "And like I said - on a personal level, you saved my life. As far as I'm concerned, you've already more than made up for any harm you might've done to me before that. I wouldn't be here without you."

Edited (NOBODY SAW NOTHING) 2021-02-18 05:53 (UTC)

Grant nods and gives Dimitri a gentle squeeze. "Claude's about summed it up, I think. You've done so much good since getting here; there's no need to get caught up in your past when we know you in the present. Every one of us has chosen to be with you, because of who you are now - who you truly are."

Somehow, it feels as though the contact - Claude's lips on his forehead, Grant's arms around his shoulders - helps to calm him down almost more than anything else. Dimitri tries to take in a breath, and ends up sniffling.

"I... I'm sorry. This isn't... I shouldn't have..." Ah. Words are hard. He shakes his head, at least up until Gremlin finally scrambles up the front of his shirt to drape around his neck.

"It was a lot to come down on you all at once, نور چشمم," Claude murmurs, gently combing fingers through Dimitri's hair. "You don't have to apologize for it hitting you hard. It would've been stranger if it hadn't. We're here for you, okay? If you stumble, we'll pick you back up."

He glances down at the faintly defined lump under Dimitri's cloak. "In the meantime...I know you're not the only one missing Dedue. What can we do for her?" This is partly genuine concern for the Budew, and partly Claude's thinking that perhaps Dimitri having something to focus on beyond his own sorrow may help him cope with it a bit better.

With a soft breath of relief as Dimitri at least seems to settle down a little, Grant leans his head against Dimitri's again. He's still upset, of course, still going to need support, but it seems like they're out of crisis mode for the moment. He nods in agreement with Claude's statement, unfamiliar words catching his attention for a moment - probably a nickname, he supposes.

And then there's the Budew. Grant looks down at the lump where she's hidden herself, too, his brow creasing. "Right... she does seem more comfortable with you than us, Dimitri."

Claude, as always, is brilliant. Dimitri immediately glances down to the lump, and where he can feel a tiny little body trying to scramble up in his pants leg again. Delicately, gently, he reaches within his cloak to offer up his cupped palms to her.

In his hands, she seems to be a little more calm even when he moves them upwards closer to his chest. She peers over his fingers, eyes watery. "Her name is Desta," he says softly. "Dedue - he said she always was trying to hide from people. But I was always about..." How to help, how to help... Dimitri rubs his thumb against the size of her... head? Body?

"...She doesn't do well in cold. He had to keep her close."

Edited 2021-02-18 23:28 (UTC)

"I'd be happy to take her, but if she's most comfortable with you and likes you best, then you're probably the best person to keep her," Claude says, smiling a little down at her. "Don't you worry, Desta, okay? Dimitri will take good care of you. And who knows? Dedue might show up again. If he does, then you can show him how big you've gotten while he was gone, and all the things you've learned and seen. I'm sure he'd be happy to see you and Dimitri had gotten along while he was away, and that you were both doing well. He'd want that more than anything."

He nods. "You won't have to worry about the cold, either. Dimitri's got Dean, who's great at keeping people and pokémon nice and warm. He was able to dry snow off my pants without so much as singing a single stitch."

"That sounds like a good plan, yeah. You'll be in good hands - Dimitri's and Dean's." Couldn't ask for a better substitute Pokemon dad, in Grant's opinion.

And Dimitri will have someone to remind him of Dedue. Might be bittersweet, but Grant suspects it'll be better than being cut off from him entirely again.

"Dedue might show up again," Dimitri murmurs, still petting Desta. It's... a reassuring thought. That's right. It's not as though he died. This place is... better than the war.

Sniffling, he looks to Claude, and then Grant. "Could we... My head hurts. Could we have something warm to drink...?"

Claude smiles brightly at him. "Of course. Does tea sound good?" He looks down at Desta. "We could get her a nice little treat, too. It's been rough, hasn't it? But things will get better, I promise. And even when you're sad, having something nice, like a good meal, can make you feel better."

"Yeah-- good idea." He rubs Dimitri's cloaked back gently. "Do you think you can walk to your room with us to get a drink and snacks for you and her?"

[closed] February Catch All

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