victory_road | [closed] February Catch All

Sylvain, must I repeat myself?

[Dimitri's jaw gains a stubborn set to it, and he leans in close, presses their foreheads together while his hand squeezes down on Sylvain.]

I do not accept it.

We have now, and we have a future as well. You said I had just become king, that you were about to return to Gautier. That still leaves decades of our lives left.

I love you.

I will not accept you being miserable.

[Sylvain opens his mouth, then closes it again. He doesn't know how to make Dimitri see sense. The war was over, and Dimitri had far more important things to worry about than his best friend. In any case, he'd only ever started talking about how he felt in that regard here over the last few weeks.

He doesn't see how a man with the responsibilities of an entire nation could possibly save someone else from burdens they wouldn't talk about. And he doesn't have the strength to argue his point.

Between them, Inda has burrowed her way into Sylvain's chest. He knows without having to check that she can't see his face. He doesn't have to feel guilty for her as he flashes a smile at Dimitri. It lacks the warmth it should.]

Okay, Mitya.

[The smile isn't a real one. Dimitri has always sort of recognized them, even if he was not wholly aware of that fact. It makes his heart clench, and Dimitri wraps his arms around Sylvain again.]

...You are not abandoned, Sylvain.

You will never be abandoned.

[Weakly, Sylvain allows his head to fall upon Dimitri's shoulder. Protests form and die on his lips once more, but he swallows them down for the time being. He doesn't know how to phrase it in a way that won't wound Dimitri. The truth is that he will be abandoned, and that no one will know he felt that way. His feelings were always barricaded by false smiles and playful jests.

It had always been easier for him to fake it, after all. And why shouldn't he, when it was something so petty? Thousands would kill to be in his shoes, to lead the life of comfort and privilege that he did. Perhaps he might be without love, but unlike Dimitri and Felix, he still had his family.

Never mind what a cold comfort that was.]

It isn't your fault, Dimitri. I would not let you fix it.

...Does it matter whose fault it is?

[His fingers tighten just slightly in Sylvain's shirt before he forces them to relax. Forces his voice to relax.]

All that matters is that you are cared for. Loved.

[It does matter, Sylvain wants to argue. Dimitri couldn't hold himself, or that particular version of himself, responsible for what he hadn't done. Not when Sylvain hadn't given him the chance to even try. It was the same thing Felix had tried to do, after all.]

It will be alright. I... Still have the both of you. You're still my best friends there.

[It was a bandage, compared to anything that might properly fix the problem, but... That was okay. Something was better than nothing, right? Especially when Sylvain wouldn't ever know any different.]

We are your best friends here, as well.

[Dimitri presses a kiss to Sylvain's hair, tries to rub his back.]

Sylvain, do you recall how you and Felix first spoke about romance here? Between the two of you?

You mean after you dragged me out of the forest when I tried to run away?

[Dimitri has always been so big compared to him. Right now, Sylvain wants nothing more than to make himself as small as possible against the man. Even if he knows Dimitri can't protect him from this, it's still nice to pretend.]

Exactly.

[With that months away - longer, in the case of Sylvain, Dimitri realizes - it's easier to look back on those moments and find some glimmer of amusement in them. How foolish that had all been... How on earth had he dealt with it? Any of them?]

You did something foolish... so Felix did something foolish in return. So I did something equally foolish in running after you... And, in the end, you both talked with one another.

[Slowly, Dimitri starts to sway back and forth slightly, still rubbing Sylvain's back. He doesn't know when he got into the habit, only that it's emerged in his time in Johto. Something to do when his emotions feel too overwhelming.]

All three of us... are the same people here, as we are in Fodlan, no matter the time. And we are the same three people who love one another. The same three people with friends and allies and mentors who look after us.

Even if you feel your future is set in stone, Sylvain, our love will still take root, bore through until it blooms and flourishes through the cracks it has made.

[It isn't that Sylvain doesn't want to believe Dimitri. He would have loved to live in a fairy tale world where love and bonds overcame all. But if the bond of family couldn't save Edelgard from herself, what hope was there for love to change the course of tradition?

But Dimitri seems to believe his own words, and the last thing Sylvain wants to do, even now, is to upset him. He tips his chin up just a little and nods. He doesn't smile, because he knows Dimitri will see through it in seconds. Even this he isn't confident in, but he can still try.]

I trust you. [At least that much would always be true.]

And I... I promise I won't betray that trust.

[Whether he remembers or not... Dimitri knows his own feelings. He knows that he has felt so much love and pain over the people close to him. He will come back to this, no matter what.]

[If he doesn't... If he doesn't...]

[Dimitri takes in a rattling breath, letting go of Sylvain just briefly so that he can curl his hands into anxious fists.]

I - I apologize. I dumped so much upon you when you have just returned to us.

Are you kidding me, Mitya?

[Sylvain takes a deep breath. He lifts his hands, hoping to the Goddess that he has enough strength in his body to keep them from trembling too vividly. They lift to cup both of Dimitri's cheeks, one hand straying back into his hair. Even as part of his mind balks at touching his King so boldly, the rest of him starts to melt into a warm puddle of familiarity.

This was right. This was home.]

I'm the one dumping things on you. You... Have enough going on, and here I am... Being a mess again.

Sylvain.

[Dimitri presses his face against one of Sylvain's palms, his lips brushing against the callouses there.]

Your pain, your suffering, doesn't deserve to be dismissed. Why should it be your fault if you are in pain from something you had no say in?

Do you not also have enough going on? A burden that weighs down on your own shoulders?

[At that, Sylvain looks away almost guiltily. He's long since forgotten how to blush out of shame, but the tone of Dimitri's voice nearly forces him to remember.]

You're right.

[His voice is faint, but it would at least seem that that much had gotten through to him.]

[At least that much has gone through, although Dimitri still feels bad about how much he's pushing onto Sylvain. Still gentle, but a little firmer now, he kisses Sylvain's palm.]

Your pain and sadness is ours as well, beloved. If there is anything I can do to so much as ease that for you... You need only say the word.

I am yours to command.

["Yours to command" sits rather uncomfortably with Sylvain. He fidgets for a moment, then shakes his head.]

I've been at war for six months, Mitya. The last thing I want to do is give commands. [Still, he leans forward, easing close enough so that his entire frame is draped over Dimitri. They aren't that different in size, but Sylvain will take advantage of whatever he can get. For right now, he doesn't want to be a big, strong warrior. He wants to feel small. He wants to grieve.]

Ah. Yes, I.... understand that.

[Even when he was in the thick of it, whether on his own or reunited with the others... Dimitri cannot say he cared for it. If there was one thing that he used to look forward to, back then, it had been when everything would just... stop.]

[He had longed for that intensely.]

[But he doesn't dare to think about it anymore, not with how much he has to live for... including the man laying so weakly against him, needing everything, anything, that can be given to him.]

[Gently, Dimitri strokes his hair, his back.]

Then... I am yours to love.

Mine to love.

[That... manages to bring a smile to his lips. He glances up at Dimitri. There's still an impossible weight behind those eyes. But for just a moment, as he stares up at Dimitri, there's a glimmer of hope as well. It disappears as he closes his eyes, leaning into Dimitri's hand like a cat might.]

I... Can do that, I think. Really well, even.

Then do it to your heart's content.

[Softly, tentatively, Dimitri presses a soft kiss to Sylvain's brow.]

...We should celebrate. A proper feast, this time. We have more of the funds for it, and more people to celebrate with. Not now, but - whenever you feel ready, or interested.

Military rations keep the body going, but they are hardly enjoyable.

[closed] February Catch All

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suicideal ideation cw

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