victory_road | [closed] March Catch All

Felix has to wonder how long it took for her to be 'better.' Whatever she woke up from was clearly horrific. How can someone still be as kind and gentle as Jane is after whatever that was? Is that all still real, or is she pretending, trying to wear her old self like a second skin the way Dimitri used to? He doesn't know her well enough to guess.

At that, he glances over. "A picnic? 'Organizing' makes it sound like some major event. What's it for? Who else will be there?"

Looking forward to the kinder things. Sylvian is historically not so good at looking forward to anything. If looking forward to the wedding isn't enough to help him, what could be? He said he still wanted to get married, but is it still for the same reasons?

Ugh. There his mind goes again, thinking itself in circles over this. He has to stop.

"Actually, I am going for a walk. Come with me." And with no further elaboration, he starts walking in a random direction.

Oh - "Of course," Dimitri says hastily, lengthening his already rather lengthy stride so that he can keep up with Felix.

There is definitely something going on here. Did he say something to set Felix off? Well, he supposes there's only one way to find out, if he's too hesitant to outright ask his lover.

"As for the picnic... Originally, I had planned it with Scorpia - the woman who gave me eggs, including the one that I gave you and Sylvain. We met when she had... recently lost someone herself," Dimitri says, only a little hesitant. "I suggested a picnic while I was getting those eggs, as a matter of fact, when the whether became warmer. I thought perhaps we could reassure one another on this front.

"Yet when I later spoke to Kazuki, Claude informed me that the other also felt lonely, and isolated from others. So I thought I may as well invite him to this picnic as well. That was when he informed me of something called, ah... Hanami." Boy he hopes he's saying that right. "He told me it is an event in his homeland where people watch the flowers bloom, eating and drinking and being merry.

"It seemed like a pleasant experience - and he insisted how beautiful it was - that I thought perhaps I should plan such a thing myself. And since our group had already grown larger... and I had already invited both of them..." Dimitri shrugs helplessly. "I thought I may as well commit."

"Oh. So it's a party." He makes a face. "And I suppose you'll expect me to go, as well."

He really doesn't feel like attending a party with people he barely knows, not least because if Claude keeps his word, the wedding is supposed to happen not long after it. And that's probably going to be party enough to last Felix years.

Then again, Sylvain likes parties. If he can look forward to this, too, then maybe he can look forward to other things. Still...

"...Dimitri, how many people did you invite?"

"You do not have to come if you do not want to," Dimitri says softly. "If you and Sylvain would be happier here, then that would be more than fine." He would not dare push either of them in this kind of situation... Not when they are all still tired and hurting from what happened in Ecruteak.

"Still, it is a lovely experience, or so I have been told. One that should not be missed. As for who I have invited.." Dimitri crosses his arms as the two of them walk, counting off the names in his head.

"Scorpia and Kazuki, of course, and I have mentioned Jane to you. I also invited Thace, and Geralt. If any of them bring someone else along with them is something I do not know yet, but I would not be surprised." Thace has his own partner, and Geralt has.... whatever the hell is going on with Jaskier.

Felix can't help glancing up in mild surprise, at that. Normally, Dimitri pokes and prods him about these things until he reluctantly agrees. "I'll ask him, I suppose. But...it would probably be better for him if he attended." Because Sylvain likes being around people. It helps him live in the moment instead of inside his head.

Felix's expression brightens just a little when Dimitri mentions Thace and Geralt, but immediately sours when he mentions them bringing others. "Ugh, if Geralt comes he'll bring the bard. Maybe I will stay here, after all." It's more grumble than actual suggestion, but...going to a party is bad enough. Going to a party with Jaskier there sounds awful. Especially with the way he's feeling right now.

"He likes Jane, if nothing else," Dimitri agrees, because he can't do much more than that. Who knows? Perhaps he would get along well with some of the others he's invited as well, and he's roughly familiar with Kazuki. They were decent friends, Dimitri thinks.

Although speaking of the others... Dimitri chuckles. "He might not. The islands they are staying at are apparently rather pleasant, and Jaskier seems adverse to the cold as well, if he does not have to weather it."

"Good. Maybe he'll stay there and never come back."

Felix kicks at a pebble and watches it skitter off the path and into the sand beyond. Then he grabs Dimitri's hand and veers his steps that way, too, toward the beach.

"This way."

Whoa - "All right?" he says, absolutely confused but not fighting Felix's tugs. Perhaps he will get an answer this way. Or maybe this is just absolutely foolish and he should stop being so scared.

Easier said than done, really.

"Felix - it's getting cold. Are you sure you want to be near the water?" And then, even though he's wary of being bitten for this - "Are you all right?"

"Pff. You call this cold? You're from Fhirdiad, this should be nothing." Felix is a bit cold, but he doesn't care. The wind coming in from the sea feels good on his face even if it's chilly and whips his bangs into his eyes.

"I'm--" Fine, is what he was going to say, but instead he bites the word back and just walks in silence for a minute, until they're just close enough to the water that the sand is firm enough to walk on normally.

"I'm tired," is what he says instead, eventually. "Not--I don't mean physically. Sylvain told you what happened when he went back." It's a statement, not a question, but one that seeks acknowledgment anyway.

Even if they are used to the cold, Dimitri thinks they can still use it against themselves. He would know, having lived all on his own for so long. He would know, just considering himself.

And so... he can't say he's too surprised at the honest answer Felix gives, only that Felix is actually honest about it. Dimitri lets out a slow breath and, tentatively, slowly, goes to wrap his arm around Felix's shoulder. If he's allowed.

"He told me," Dimitri confirms softly. "He thinks the worst will happen... because we forget things from here when we return home."

Perhaps it's a testament to how tired Felix really is that he doesn't protest this contact, choosing to fix his gaze on the sand and kick at the occasional shell he finds there instead.

"Right. Who knows whether he's right or not--Claude already gave me an earful about trying to be realistic about it--but it doesn't really matter."

He kicks at another shell and it skips across the sand, where it collides with something in the surf. An angry Tentacool rises out of the foam, lashing its arms at the air. Felix looks over, but before he can say anything, Pwyll hops down to the sand and glides over to meet the jellyfish in battle. Felix just keeps walking--the Ralts has the type advantage, he's not concerned about the outcome.

"But Sylvain's been moping all week. Too quiet. And it's making me mope too, because unlike you and Claude, I can't help him. And I'm sick of feeling like this."

Feeling inadequate. It's not something Felix has felt often in his life, because normally if he has room to grow in some area, he just works and trains until he does. There's always something he can do to improve, so there's no point in dwelling on any perceived inadequacy.

He has no idea how to improve in this, though. You can't just train to get better at dealing with people, or with feelings, and aren't partners supposed to support each other? What good is it to be there for Sylvain if 'be there' is all he can do? Goddess, he hates this.

Dimitri turns his head as they keep walking, watching as Pwyll takes on the Tentacool. A part of him wonders if that will really be all right, but, well.... He will have to have faith in Felix's training, and Pwyll.

Besides, Felix says something else that has him look back promptly, brow crumpling. "I've helped him?" he asks quietly, surprised at that bit of news. Slowly, he shakes his head.

"I do not feel that I have, honestly... I feel as though I am failing him, as a lover and a king both. So, in that... We have something in common."

"You don't have to be a king here. You shouldn't try." Dimitri has enough to worry about without trying to add that crushing responsibility on top of it.

An empty pokeball floats up and out of his bag of its own accord; he stops to turn and look at what's going on, which appears to be that the Tentacool is halfway to crawling off back into the ocean and Pwyll is offering the pokeball in a silent--telepathic?--exchange. Felix watches until the Tentacool apparently agrees to whatever it is and hops into the pokeball, which Pwyll carries back in both hands and tucks safely into the bag. "...thanks?" He'll have to...figure out what that was all about later.

As they resume walking, Felix scoffs. "Claude makes it seem so easy, with his damned silver tongue. It would be infuriating if--no, it is infuriating." He shakes his head. "We let Sylvain go back to Gautier. That's what he remembers. We can't fail him like that here, too. But I'm so fucking tired."

Dimitri didn't think they would be getting a new Pokemon while out on an impromptu walk, but here they are. Allowing Felix a moment to deal with that, Dimitri glances back towards the sea and lets out a slow breath.

"It is difficult for him as well," Dimitri reminds Felix gently. "He is just better at hiding it. I think we are all tired... especially for this. But, even if you are tired... You want to do something, don't you?"

"Obviously." Felix goes quiet for a minute, listening to the endless sound of the waves that thankfully drowns out the sound of the incessant background music. "At least Sylvain isn't pretending he's fine. If he started doing that again, I'd slice him in half."

"It shows how far he's come, and how much your feelings also matter to him." Dimitri feels certain of that... Because sometimes he thinks he feels similar, although obvious he and Sylvain are different men, with different issues. He's also come... some way. It's strange to think about.

"Maybe... Instead of doing something directly, you try and prepare something... indirectly. Something to show him that the present here, and the future you will make for him, are worth something as well." Dimitri shakes his head. "Does that make sense?"

"I suppose it does." Sometimes that's the problem, though. Sometimes, other people's feelings matter to Sylvain more than his own do. Still...Felix is glad that Sylvain is comfortable enough not to resort to false happiness and acting like nothing matters much. Maybe...maybe he should tell Sylvain so. Hm.

His brow furrows as he glances over at Dimitri. "No. It doesn't. What does that mean?"

Edited 2021-03-20 05:47 (UTC)

"Well..." Dimitri rubs the back of his neck, thinking carefully on how to word this.

"You could just... do nice things for him. Or prepare nice things. For example, while I doubt he would be up to an involved date, perhaps the two of you could go for walks on nice days, or see a movie as you once did. Make him breakfast. Tell him you love him, regularly. It is the carving of individual blocks, all to add together something larger than those little instances."

Felix listens, but his frown doesn't change. "If I suddenly start acting like...like you, he'll think something is wrong. Or that I'm pitying him."

(Or maybe that's just what you would think, Felix.)

Dimitri raises an eyebrow at Felix.

"So when Sylvain took you to see movies," Dimitri says slowly, "or when I took you exploring for Valentine's day... That was pitying?"

Felix huffs. "No, obviously not. But I don't...say those things all the time the way you do. It would be strange. And embarrassing."

"Then say them your way," Dimitri says, lightly nudging him. "Sylvain is more important than if it feels strange or embarrassing, isn't he? Besides, it is only strange because you are unused to it all. Like handling a new weapon for the first time. The more you practice with it, the less unusual it becomes."

"You can't trick me into doing something just by comparing it to a weapon, you know."

Sylvain is more important. Claude's words about pride come back to him, too. Of course Sylvain is more important, but Claude and Dimitri don't understand how difficult this is. Words come easily to them, one way or another. Whenever Felix is called upon to say something important, something meaningful, just knowing someone is listening and watching him makes all the words fly out of his head. And then he ends up snapping at them instead, because the frustration of not knowing how to say the things he really wants to say is overwhelming.

He walks along in silence for a bit, until the memory of a certain letter comes to mind. Putting things in writing, having the time and the privacy to think before he commits to the words, not having eyes on him...he can do that, he thinks.

"But...Sylvain wrote me a letter for my birthday. Maybe...I'll write one, too."

"I am simply saying it is the same thing in theory," Dimitri insists, before he recognizes the way Felix is falling silent. Well... If he's thinking on Dimitri's words, that's the best he can fall for. No point in interrupting it. Dimitri just leans against him as they walk, keeping each other warm in the night chill.

When Felix finally gives his answer, he smiles a bit. "I would say that is doing things in your own way."

Felix leans in too, almost instinctively, until he's taking Dimitri's hand and putting both it and his own still clasped in it in Dimitri's coat pocket. His other hand goes into his own coat pocket.

"I suppose. Although you were the one going on about how you've been writing letters to everyone."

Expressing his feelings his own way used to entail demanding that someone spar with him so he would have a chance to spend time with them. He still does that occasionally, but he's had to find other ways now with three partners in a peaceful world, and sometimes he thinks he hasn't really found anything of his own at all--he's just been following everyone else's lead, and poorly.

Still, they love him, so he must be doing something right.

"...we'll probably have the wedding in about a month, if everyone is...ready by then. As our king, you'll be officiating, obviously."

He says that like a statement, but he also glances sidelong and up at Dimitri's face to see whether he likes or hates the idea.

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