victory_road | [closed] March Catch All

[Felix rests one hand on Dimitri's chest and the other in his hair, brow furrowed in thought.]

Hmph. Perhaps you're onto something. No matter how far from you I went, I could never be rid of you. You were always--

[Haunting me.]

The thought of you. Always hounded me. And I think I might have left some piece of myself in Sreng, too. And in Duscur, through Glenn. ...and on Gronder Field.

[Oh.... Slowly, Dimitri raises his hand to lay over Felix's, where it rests against his chest.]

...I gave that order. Should I still not apologize, even for that?

[This is not a conversation Felix ever intended to have with Dimitri again. It's not a conversation he wants to have ever again. The apologies felt like blows the first time around, as soon after Gronder as they were; they felt almost insincere in their suddenness, more guilt than remorse, and all Felix could think to do then was focus the prince's mind on the mission they should have been fighting for all along instead of on the past.

Now, though, there is no war he can use as a convenient excuse to put this off. Now, he's Dimitri's partner and Shield, and he can't just walk away from this anymore. His eyes fix on some point on the wall and he tries to keep his voice steady; he's not sure how well he succeeds.]

...as far as I'm concerned, you already did. Multiple times. But you don't remember that and I know that won't be enough for you. So yes, I'll accept an apology for...for dragging us into bloody battles we didn't need to have and prolonging the kingdom's suffering for the sake of vengeance. For treating your army and your friends like disposable tools.

[He takes his other hand away from Dimitri's hair so he can ball it into a fist, clutching hard at the bedsheets. This isn't fair to put on Dimitri's shoulders while he's sick, Felix knows, but it's too late to stop the torrent now. His lover asked the question and will get his answer in full.]

I'll accept an apology for turning your back on the alliance we forged with Claude, for reasons I still don't understand. And I'll accept an apology for all the orders you gave that called for senseless bloodshed and pain. Hell, I'd even accept an apology for letting that Imperial spy join our ranks against my old man's wishes.

...but none of that is why I left a piece of myself on that battlefield. And even at your worst, you never gave my father the order to trade his life for yours. So don't apologize for his choice.

[With every single thing Felix lists, Dimitri can feel something swelling inside his chest, up to his throat, the back of his tongue. He remembers every single thing that Felix mentions, how too red blood had looked on his weapons and the way that smell filled his lungs.]

[He can remember all the noise. All the frustration. The yelling, and arguing, and how if he could just reach her-]

I'm sorry.

[It's hard to say - not for lack of will or desire, but because his throat still feels choked, and there's a throbbing behind his eyes.]

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

[An apology for each thing listed, for each failure, for every mistake he made - and that's just in general. Dimitri thinks if he did penance for every battle, for every life lost, he would spend years on his knees, hands clasped, before statues of the Saints and Goddess.]

[There's still the ache behind his eyes. It takes him a moment to realize that's because he's started to cry, tears too cold and wet as they slid down his face.]

Even still.... You like me?

[Felix closes his eyes and bows his head, as Dimitri apologizes. Again and again. This time, he knows they're sincere. And he knows that almost anyone else, were they here, would berate him for doing this. Claude, Annette, Ashe, Rodrigue, Ingrid, maybe even Sylvain.

But Felix thinks that maybe he needed to hear this as much as Dimitri feels he needed to say it. Maybe he needed the reassurance that it isn't just the placid peace of this place, and it wasn't just another mask when he transformed again back in Fodlan--Dimitri really has come back to himself, he was always still in there, and Felix didn't waste a decade of his life hanging onto the flimsy thread of hope that refused to die.

He swallows and clears his throat before he responds, and even so, his voice comes out a bit rough.]

...I do. I love you. You know that.

[He knows Dimitri deserves more of an explanation than that, but how is he supposed to put ten years of grief and rage and love and despair into words?

He opens his eyes and with his free hand, he gently wipes the tears from Dimitri's cheeks.]

I wanted to hate you, for a long time. But I never could. Didn't you ever wonder why, despite all the cruel things I said, I couldn't just stay away from you? It was like you died, but you were still there, and I couldn't just mourn and move on. But I couldn't...I couldn't have my Dimitri back, either, and I didn't know if I ever could.

Now I know that I can. And you're making up for all those things you apologized for. One day at a time.

Keeping an eye on me...

[At least, that was what had made the most sense. That was what fed into his own self hatred. But there were times when he had no idea, when Felix would flip from fondly reminding him of childhood embarrassments to bristling coldness.]

[He hadn't known what to make of that. What the right thing to do would be.]

[But he opens his eye, meet Felix's own brilliant amber ones.]

I... do not know if it is enough. If it is one day not... You would tell me. Wouldn't you, Felix?

Yes. That too, a little. But...not until Remire. And even then, I...

[Felix looks away.]

I didn't want to see you like that, you know. There was always a part of me that hoped I was wrong somehow. Maybe that was the piece of me I left with you. I kept chasing after you like some pathetic lost child because I couldn't bring myself to burn that last bridge completely. To fully believe deep down that my Dimitri was gone for good. But I wasn't strong enough to stand with you or see you clearly, either.

[He turns back to meet Dimitri's gaze and frowns.]

It's not about doing 'enough.' That's the exact opposite of what I meant by making up for it. ...do you remember the day I arrived in Violet, and I told you to live for what you believe in? That's...it's what my father told you. When he died.

You make up for it by staying true to your own beliefs. Not by trying to live up to someone else's idea of who you should be. That's how you got yourself lost in the first place, trying to pander to the dead.

[He goes back to running his fingers lightly through Dimitri's hair.]

I'll stand with you, this time. I'll help you and protect you. From your own mind, if I must. But the only one who can know whether you're truly following your heart or not is you.

[Dimitri listens. As best as he possibly can, he listens, trying to hold what he can keep in his hands close to his chest... Just, not in the same way he keeps Felix's hand there.]

[Or maybe exactly as he keeps Felix's hand there.]

...I want to restore Duscur. And - I want us to stop fighting with Sreng. I want to make people healthy... like here.

Then you will. When you're king. And Sylvain and I will be by your side.

But in the meantime, just be Dimitri. That's all you have to be while we're here.

Oh... [Dimitri blinks slowly, and finally lets his eye slip shut again.] I wonder when the last time I was Dimitri...

...Maybe that is the part I left with you.

...well, now I'm here. So if it is, then that part of you is here, too.

[Red eyed, face still a little sticky, Dimitri smiles up at Felix.]

I have your part with me too, if you still want it.

[...]

My head hurts.

[Felix gives him a small smile in return, reaching over to the bedside table to retrieve the wet cloth there and wipe Dimitri's face clean. It isn't cold anymore, but it will do for this purpose.]

I do. And like I've told you before, I'm not going anywhere.

If your head hurts, then go to sleep.

[He puts the cloth aside and smooths back Dimitri's hair, then starts to maneuver them both so he can get up.]

[Even if the cloth isn't ice cold anymore, the liquid still helps make his skin feel cooler, and Dimitri sighs in contentment. It's a sound that quickly becomes one of protest, however.]

You said you are not going...

What? Oh. I meant--

[He sighs and shifts to get more comfortable, instead.]

Never mind. Yes, I'm staying here. So go to sleep. [A pause.] If you...need anything, to fall asleep, tell me.

Mm.

[A sleepy smile before it drifts away to equally sleepy thought.]

I need to call out Kent....

[He may be sick, but that does nothing about his nightmares. If anything, it makes them worse.]

Right.

[Felix looks around for Dimitri's technology rat.]

Hey. Gremlin. Release Kent. ...please.

[Gremlin beams from where he is, immediately scurrying over to some of the Pokeballs. Like a pro, he immediately identifies the right one and smacks his little rat hand down on the button.]

[Materializing lazily right into the air, Kent slowly blinks his eyes open and reorients himself. It doesn't take him long, either, before he floats over to where Dimitri is laying down. Rather considerately, he nestles not across the man's face, but more against his shoulder - still nice and close for dream access, but not disrupting Dimitri's position against Felix's lap.]

[With a slippy little tapir smile, he blinks up at Felix. Heeeey buddy.]

[Felix's initial wariness of Kent may have been misplaced, but Munna are still weird, and that look isn't helping.]

Does he always look at people like that?

[He finds himself lowering his voice, as though somehow Kent wouldn't hear him despite being a foot away.]

Yes. He uses his eyes...

[Dimitri seems a bit too sleepy and head achey to really. Take in what Felix is saying. And also not in a position to see what Felix is talking about, even if his eye was open. Kent just smiles some more up at Felix, absolutely able to hear him perfectly well and not seeming to mind.]

[There are more important things to do, like gently pressing his snout against Dimitri's face and snuffling. Dimitri laughs a little, just one soft burst. It tickles.]

[Felix rolls his eyes.]

I...never mind. Go to sleep, Mitya.

[He brushes a few stray strands of hair back from Dimitri's face and beckons Gremlin over again so he can make another request, this time to fetch one of Felix's Pokemon from the other room. If he does so, Fantine the Delcatty will soon join them on the bed and begin to quietly sing Dimitri to sleep.]

[Gremlin doesn't need much convincing, especially for his trainer. He bounds off happily, and soon enough, Fantine is right there with them. Dimitri seems to fall asleep almost instantaneously, cheeks still a little wet... but happy.]

[closed] March Catch All

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject