45th Recipe [Video, Goldenrod City]

[cyan_maid]

[It's morning. The sun isn't totally hidden by the clouds, reaching out to cast its golden glow on trees ablaze with color. Jane's taken her breakfast outside, sitting in the backyard of her house, bundled up with...Starmiebucks items. A medium holiday drink, hot, and a modest pastry.

She hasn't really been in the brainspace to cook breakfast for herself.]

...So, uh. Halloween happened.

[A long pause. She takes a sip of her drink, steam still rising up from the little mouth spout.]

I, um. Wanted to apologize for my weird...dream things? That some of you may have found yourselves in? I know where I'm from doesn't make a lick of sense. And I'm sorry if I stumbled into yours, that's...awkward. It's awkward, and we don't have to talk about it if you don't want to. But the dreams don't change, like...if we're friends, we're still friends, okay? So don't go thinking we're not.

[It just felt important to say that, for anyone whose memories were particularly brutal. Jane takes another sip.]

But I can't stop thinking about my own dreams. Like...really, really thinking about them. About everything around them. Wondering what could've happened had things been different. Not that I...there's one I wouldn't change, of course, the one with my Dad, it was...it was good to see him again. [It throws her for a loop every time, remembering her father. Realizing how much she missed him.] But the others, there's...something on the tip of my tongue, thinking back on it. And I happened to notice the date today, and it's more tip-of-the-tongue-y than ever.

[Jane fiddles with her cup, stares towards it. The focus of her eyes is somewhere else.]

I just. I don't get sentimental, not really, but...there's just. There's something I'm missing in those memories. Something that's pressing at me now, but didn't then - maybe it couldn't then. And I just - I don't know what it is. Like it's...something...wondering why I did things the way I did them. Why they had to be that way. Why I couldn't change anything. And it makes me so frustrated it hurts. Like any chance at anything's been simply ripped away from me, and I try to claw it back however I can - whether I keep the more forceful thoughts on the inside or let them out. But I don't like to be that person who rips things from others, I kept...defaulting to it on the inside. It never seemed to give me what I thought I needed, no con-

[And she stops mid-word. Her fiddling ceases. Her eyes grow wide, cyan sharpening in focus before they begin to narrow, a struggle to maintain composure twisting her features.]

No control.

[It's whispered, but it's like the click of a key in a lock, the subtle joining of a puzzle piece sliding into place.]

I never had any control - I never...fuck.

[She brings a hand to her mouth, eyes squeezing shut. There's a glimmer of wetness to the corners.]

I'm sorry - I'm so sorry, excuse me-

[Jane scrambles to cut the feed, but uh. You might want to...check in? It seems like someone's realizing she's actually been traumatized by the events of her life.]

Comments

Private Text

[heartofalioness]

[Oh... she hasn't interacted with Jane much yet, but the incident with the Beheeyem... It was hard on her too, and those she knew. So it takes about an hour after the broadcast airs, but a text comes in.]

Dear Jane,

I know it is likely of little consolation, but the incident with the Beheeyem was not your doing. They are the ones who instigated it, and what we saw or showed others seemed to be random. You have nothing to apologize for on that front.

As for the rest... while I cannot speak of your memories or the revelations you have gained, please be assured you are not the only one who had her moments of weaknesses laid bare for others to see. No one is perfect, and everyone is capable of flaws and mistakes. I know it is easier said than done, but the most important thing is that you are able to accept that it happened and try to learn.

[This is... a big thing to admit, especially to a friend as new as Jane. Allura has never liked having things out of her control either; her childhood was kinder, all the love given to her healthier and more genuine, but also with a heavy mantle expected to be placed on her shoulders. And then everything was wrenched out of her hands and an even heavier burden was placed on her, one that seems almost crushing. Control is precious now, to the point of starving for it, and room for errors even more so. But... she cannot control everything, not alone. Relying on others is a strength in itself.]

You do not have to, of course, but if you ever wish to talk, I am willing to listen.

Please Take Care,
Princess Allura of Altea

[Private Text]

[cyan_maid]

[She's not really sure how to respond to this, so it does go unresponded to for...a couple hours. She needs to calm down, get her head back on straight.]

Thank you.
I don't know if I want to go into specifics but I appreciate that you reached out.
It's...just. A lot to realize all of a sudden. A lot more than what I said.

[heartofalioness]

It can be.

[She doesn't really know Jane enough to try for platitudes. ... Not to mention those tend to go over poorly when she tries anyway.]

I understand if you need more time to think, but please let me know if you need anything.

In person

[nightyorb]

[Riz is... not particularly good with this sort of thing. Emotions and talking about emotions. He can barely even bear finish her post, his skin itching with secondhand embarrassment at the thought of his own emotional turmoil being broadcast like that. The dreams had been terrible enough already; but this was public and to everybody.

And true, Riz doesn't really know Jane all that well. But she had hired him and even given him a place to stay, so she was kind, at the very least. It felt awkward to go and talk to her, but it also felt awkward to exist in her house, with both of them knowing he must have seen that entry as well and yet ignoring it. Riz is not callous, he's just. Awkward.

So he does what he does know how to do -- he makes coffee.

Jane has nice coffee, much better than the stuff he and mom have at home, but not as ridiculously fancy as Fabian has. It's just Normal Good Coffee. He pours two cups and wonders if he ought to add anything to Jane's mug, sugar or milk, but in the end decides he can get those later if Jane wants them.

He wanders the house searching for her, keeping his ears perked (as much as these human ears can keep perked) for sounds of her actually crying. If she is crying, he won't disturb her; he'll drink both mugs himself and come back later. But assuming he doesn't pick up on the sounds of weeping, he continues on his trek until he finds her, holding out one of the mugs with an awkward expression on his face.]

It's uh... I made coffee. If you want any.

[cyan_maid]

[It's worse because she didn't mean to breakdown over it. She was just planning on speaking up, airing out her thoughts, and returning to her breakfast. But no, now she has all of this in her lap, things rearing their heads to her and falling into a rapid sinkhole. She wouldn't blame Riz at all for ignoring her post, or not knowing what was going on.

She's not crying when he finds her. She's just. Facedown on the couch, quiet, letting her Audino gently run its tiny lil fingers through her hair.]

...

[A shift. Her face is...mostly red from being pressed into the couch.]

Oh. Um. Thanks. Y-You didn't have to.

[nightyorb]

I know, but--

[He feels awkward just looking at her red face and red eyes, so instead he drops his gaze to the two cups of coffee.]

I'm no good at this. But making coffee is what my mom would do if I had a bad day and it can't hurt, right?

text; cw alcohol probably

[scourgingstars]

control isn't a real thing anyone ever has

fate is inescapable and nothing ever matters

join the club, we should have uniforms. shirts that just say 'destiny fucked me and didn't call the next day'

[Text] cw: assasination and trauma; get you that drink Ardyn

[cyan_maid]

[Hhhh it's a good thing Jane doesn't respond to any of this right away or by gosh she'd be a mess! At least her response is...fairly even-toned? She hopes? She's trying.]

Does the club count "realizing your attitude and actions could stem from the trauma of constant attempts on your life" as part of that? I would put forth an addendum if it does not.

[Text]

[scourgingstars]

let me consult the leader

who is also me

after absolutely no deliberation i’m willing to allow it as a contributing factor because assassination attempts have certainly ruined a day or two for me

private video

[chirpier]

[ this is only a message that yachi doesn’t think will be responded to, but— she does want to help in some way, and this is the only way to do it. ]

Jane? I’m Yachi— you might remember me. [ from the dream. and the clown. she’s the one who probably freaked out the most. ] I’m in Violet City right now, but I can easily jump to both Ekruteak and Goldenrod if you’re around there. If you’d . . . Like to talk. Or do anything else, really.

—You don’t need to respond, but I did want to check in.

[ she bows her head, and quietly says i’m sorry before she clicks her gear off. ]

[Text]

[cyan_maid]

[The response comes a little later. Via text, because she's still...mm. A video might be hard right now.]

I do remember you, and I'm - I'm so sorry our first proper talk is in regards to all this.
Thank you for offering, but I really couldn't impose. I'm...I would be a poor host at the moment.

[Text]

[chirpier]

[ ah!! quickly, yachi writes back. ]

I know how it feels to not want to bother anyone, but I’m being honest in saying that it doesn’t impose in anything for me.

Why not I be your host? Would you consider that?

-> Action

[uber_marionettist]

Shit.

Shit, shit, shit, shit.

I know exactly what she's talking about, recognise where she's going even before she gets there. But I didn't really expect her to actually get there. I can feel my brain doing teminal flips, turning itself inside out while I fumble out of the cross-crossing wires and almost headfirst through a paper sliding door on my way out of my laptop setup. It's an epiphany I wouldn't wish on anyone, even though it's fundamentally absurd of me to care about it. To care about this. About her? About this... "Jane," this Jane-adjacency, this detritus of canon's unforgiving timelines and throughlines.

It's too easy for me to autopilot the steps before I even reach the door--putting pants on, touching up my hair, a glance in the mirror, shoes on, no rocketboard but I don't need one.

There's no question I'm showing up for her. For this.

Why?

I mean.

Do I have a choice?

Dirk knows the way from Emet's to Jane's by rooftop and by street, bypassing her door (too formal) to locate her bedroom window, where he tries his best not to peer inside when he taps on the glass. He can still see through it, obviously. Because it's a window.

[Action]

[cyan_maid]

[Jane is straight up not having a good time.

At least on the network she can come back to any messages later - humbly bow her head in embarrassment at having a breakdown on a public platform, bothering folks who didn't know her. Right now and immediately, though, she's holed up in her room. Probably from after when Riz brought her coffee, so as not to trip up continuity. And she is...definitely on her bed, facedown, hands in her hair all tense with frustration.

So stupid, so stupid, she knew why she liked it here for so long so why did it take ages for her to flip around to the opposite and see that was why she didn't want to go home? No one was trying to kill her here. She wasn't locked into a life where everything was written for her by someone else, including numerous brushes with death. She didn't have to be used to it, slamming her feelings away into locked boxes, losing her temper when nothing went how she wished it would (because it never would, never ever could it, none of it was for her), and then pushing her will on others when someone let her off the leash.

She was traumatized. It didn't excuse all she'd done, but fuck. Fuck.

...

The initial tap on the glass is not noticed, because she is very deep in the weeds. Her brain dismisses it as if it's a branch hitting the window. Might want to try again a little harder.]

[uber_marionettist]

It's not without reason that Dirk and Jane have long been staunch supporters of one another. When the passage of 7+ years saw the rest of Dirk's relationships degrade, or get cut off at the neck, or rupture--usually repeatedly, and at times violently--only his friendship with Jane never wavered.

Naming their shared struggles has always been a bit beyond either of them, for reasons of perspective and self-preservation both. But at one point, they two were kids who, for a lack of security or stability, found themselves struggling for want of control.

And even if explanations were excuses, neither Dirk nor Jane would ever have enough of the former to balance their equations. But that doesn't make a want for the latter any less hard to bear.

Perhaps their friendship has always contained a bit of self-recognition, a recognition of the self in the other.

Or perhaps that's overthinking it.

Dirk, at least, isn't in a mood to connect his suffering to Jane's--even though that's exactly what propelled him out the door without so much as a 'sayonara' in Emet's general direction. He can see her in there. It looks like she's literally going to pull her hair out.

Can she even breathe like that?

He knocks again, this time using all four of his knuckles on the glass.

If she doesn't answer this time, he's coming in.

private voice;

[nastyboy]

[...There really is so much that Dimitri wishes he could say. Something he could do, to make all of the pain vanish for Jane. Jane, who has been one of the most patient and kind people he's known in Johto.]

[And he knows that there is something awkward in their relationship now, with the girl that Jane saw, in the world that Dimitri visited. Yet all of that seems so... unimportant.]

[Not compared to what she's experiencing right now.]

Jane... You must have so many people with you right now. So many people who have reached out. I doubt I can do anything else that they have not already done, but...

I can speak with you for a while, if that would make you feel more reassured, until they arrive. I can even just talk in general, if replying is too much a terrible struggle right now, but you do not wish to be alone.

[Private Text]

[cyan_maid]

[Jane is still not up for talking by the time she responds to Dimitri. But she does remember to use the normal people black text for Dimitri.]

I don't mind talking.
Sorry, I'm...not in a place to actually speak. Like. My head's not...it doesn't want to do that. But text is okay. You can talk aloud if it's easier for you though?

[Private Text]

[nastyboy]

[He appreciates it, Jane, and he goes to text as well for her, when she finally responds.]

You do not have to apologize for anything, Jane. You are the one who is suffering right now.

Would my talking be of any help to you? I want to offer you reassurance, to help keep you afloat but I do not want to push anything onto you that would only make you feel worse.

Have any of the others arrived? For example, your friend Dirk?

Private Text

[dreamsofahero]

In the past, Sion likely would not have responded to such a post. Not out of any lack of caring, but simply not feeling it's his place to say. Not unless he happened to already know someone well. But lately, well, a lot's happened, and some parts of this resonate with him, not to mention Ryner pushing him to talk more about things rather than keeping them to himself... Which means that, a little while after seeing the post, Sion sends a message of his own.

There is no need to blame yourself for doing what seemed necessary at the time. It is no one's fault for being born into a corrupt or unjust world, nor for choosing what was only the best of bad options. There are times when there simply are no good choices to make, when circumstances alone are unfair and cruel.

Nor is there anything wrong with being angered or dismayed at that unfairness. When circumstances you had no hand in force your hand. When none of the choices you can make are ones you truly want. It would be almost inhuman not to be, after all.

Even so, I do not know your circumstances and so I have no advice I can give. But perhaps you might find some small solace in knowing that there are others who have felt similar.

He's not really expecting any kind of reply to that, but the effort was made, at least.

[Private Text]

[cyan_maid]

[Jane's response comes later. There's. A lot for her to work out, and conversing over text is a little easier at the moment.]

I truly feel like I did not choose the best out of the choices I had. But, thank you regardless.

Re: [Private Text]

[dreamsofahero]

That's easy to determine after the fact, but much more difficult at the moment of making the decision. Particularly when none of the available options seem good, or there isn't much time to evaluate them. The consequences are still yours to live with, but there is only so much one person can know and do at the time.

He has extensive experience with making hard decisions that don't always pan out, suffice it to say. Not that he intends to say as much, exactly, but he probably understands.

text; private

[amaure]

[With Dirk's sudden and unexpected departure, Emet-Selch is left cold in his bed searching for the cause. It does not take him long, seeing as there are very few things that could give such rise to the stubborn boy, especially if it meant leaving Emet's presence (he's rather clingy, you see...).

So, when he happens across this post made by Jane, all becomes clear.]

I believe by now Dirk has likely made his way into your home. We were working on a project of sorts when he suddenly felt the need to leave without a word, and if your distressing post is aught to go by, then I well know his destination.

I do so hope his company has been beneficial, seeing as you were left in quite the vulnerable state. I have no intention to pry into such personal revelations if you wish not to speak of it, but do know you have my sympathy.

Should you need time alone to sort through your grief, I shall be glad to collect Dirk if need be. Say the word, and I shall come.

[Private Text] if you want me to use plain black lmk

[cyan_maid]

[Oh geez, she hadn't known that Dirk was entangled in a prior engagement. For now, though, it just. Takes her time to respond, and only via text at that.]

Oh, um, thank you.
I'm fine, but I am sorry about...your project? I don't really know how to word it without coming off as strange.

private text; blue is fine w/ me!

[bestswordmaster]

[Felix is not the sort of person that anyone would go to for comfort, or to make sense of one's emotions, or anything like that. He doesn't have any idea what to do or what to say. He has no wish to deliver empty platitudes, as so many do; those help no one. But when he told Ashe, so long ago, that to know someone's sorrow and turn blindly from it was the act of a fool, he believed it - and he still does.]

jane.
I have nothing to offer you other than an ear.
or
a screen. whatever.
and I didn't visit any of your memories.
but I visited one of Dirk's
and you were present there.
if much of your life at home was like that
then no, I don't imagine you had any control at all.
many of us from fodlan have felt similarly.
sometimes I still do even here.
I have no answers.
I suppose I just wanted to tell you that you aren't alone.

[Private Text] o7

[cyan_maid]

Oh, God.
Whatever I did in that memory, I am so, so, so sorry. I...
Fuck. Just. What one was it.