Primary Covert [Text, anonymous]

[feathersfly]

So this is a weird question, but there's a lot of weird people here so maybe some of you have answers.

Anybody else have problems reacting to normal situations because they haven't lived normal lives? Yeah, yeah, we're all well outside of normal, especially here, but I mean like all the way down to the bones of the basics. Like you don't know how to deal with birthdays because you've never celebrated yours before. (Specifically, in a world where that's an expected thing people do.) Or you're not sure how to care about people genuinely because you never had...relationships? You don't know how to deal with kids because you never had a childhood. That's the kind of thing I'm talking about.

I feel like I'm play-acting being a person a lot of the time because I never got the fundamentals. I know how to put on a good show, but I don't know how to be. There's got to be other people who were home sick the day the lesson on how to be a human being came up in the curriculum. So I want to know how those people deal with it.

[Hawks is intentionally writing slightly differently than he normally does (namely, actually using proper punctuation) to disguise himself ever so slightly.]

Comments

text; anonymous

[nightyorb]

[Oh. It's rare Riz feels so seen by a post. And ordinarily, he'd take that feeling and shove it deep, deep down inside his chest, where he can ignore it and let it fester unattended to, but right now-- maybe it's because he hasn't slept in two days, or the amount of coffee in his system, or the fact that he's not ever been away from his mom and friends since first meeting them (that first day at Aguefort for his friends and since he was born for his mom).

He'll probably deeply regret typing this when he's in a slightly more normal state of mind (as normal as his state of mind ever gets), but for right now--]

I love my friends more than anything, but I feel I have no idea how to interact with them except for when we are working on a project. I'm terrified that if we ever stop having problems to focus on, they'll just leave me behind because they won't need me anymore.

Just assume Hawks is staying anon until/unless I state otherwise

[feathersfly]

For what it's worth, most people aren't that mercenary. And the ones that are, aren't worth caring about as much as you care about your friends. If they're worth the amount of caring you do for them, they'll care right back.

You caring about them that much is probably reason enough to keep you around all on its own. Being cared about means a lot to people. Maybe you'll end up being awkward if you run out of problems, but awkward isn't usually a dealbreaker.

[Hawks may not know how to feel things normally, but he's had extensive PR training in how to handle people. So while he can't relate to Riz's problems - he barely feels like he has friends, so much as acquaintances and admirers - he thinks he's got a decent script to work off for reassuring this stranger.

He is a hero, after all. Putting people at ease is his job.]

[text, anonymous]

[fortuna_tenax]

Being treated as human instead of like a weapon or a curse is new. I'm not sure what to do a lot of the times, and at this point I know part of me is copying others based on things I've seen because it's some form of foundation.

Which isn't a bad way to go about it I think? I've met some incredibly kind people here. More than I deserve. They're not a bad group to try and learn from, though I think parts of them are still learning themselves. But even that helps because I get to see things I know I'd have struggled with from a different perspective.

When you've been treated as a commodity or something, parts and pieces of you have been chipped away for what satisfies the highest bidders. But you still carry those pieces with you. I hope you can figure out how to put them back in a way that makes you happy.

[feathersfly]

Hey, thanks. This was a really sweet message, and it sounds like you get where I'm coming from.

I guess for me, though, the problem isn't that I feel like parts of me were chipped away. I feel like I never got to have a lot of those pieces in the first place. Like a jigsaw missing pieces when fresh out of the box. So how do I build up without the pieces?

I guess that's at the core of what I'm really asking. When you're missing fundamental pieces of human experience, how do you make them from whole cloth? Doesn't help that I feel like the things I did experience and the ways I was taught to think aren't exactly human. More like a machine made to fulfill a specific function.

TEXT; Not very anonymous and also NOT nice I'm sorry

[uber_marionettist]

Holy shit. You're really airing your musty unpacked baggage to the whole world and everyone in it here.

Look, I'm not saying I don't understand. Because I do. But this is so embarrassing I can't even begin to describe how hard I'm cringing. It's like I'm having a full body seizure, a whole fucking ambulance-call style grand mal. But spiritually.

Do yourself a favour and go beat up some kid's pet bugs, buy yourself one of those little password diaries and write your shit there. Maybe really go ham on the schoolyard and buy an hour with a therapist if you super need someone to pat you on the back for having it hard.

What you don't do is whatever this is.

Fuck. I feel like I need an hour with a therapist myself just to recover from the trauma of watching this brazen public display of self-pitying vlidation bait go live.

[feathersfly]

I guess this can't help but come off as self-pitying, but I don't actually feel that sorry for myself about any of this. Shit happens. Some people's lives are fucked up. And I had more agency in deciding my life would be abnormal than most.

If I wanted people to feel bad for me, I'd have put a face or a name to the post. But that's not what I'm after. Frankly I'm happy with no one knowing how it is with me. I'm not in a position where I want or even need pity.

I just want to know how other people with similar backgrounds handle it. If they figure out a different road to normal, or if they fake it, or if they tell people what they're working with, or what. Whether they've found different, maybe better ways to handle this than I have.

That said, don't know why what I do would embarrass you so badly. Unless what I'm describing fits you, but you wouldn't actually advertise that, right?

text. anonymous.

[hasitsthorns]

I have to admit, I was thrilled to realize I was functionally human here. At least, until I started to recognize all the ways I don't actually know how to be human.

For me, I can play along well enough by now. Had thirty years to get used to humanity, thankfully. Kind of like you said, just acting or going through the motions I've seen is most of what I do still.
So, like, I get it.
It always feels like I don't quite fit into the puzzle.

But what helps me is realizing a lot of people don't.
It's not even a puzzle, it's a pile of nonsense that we're all trying to find some sense in.
I gravitate towards people that are unusual or interesting myself in kind of, like, a spirit of camaraderie, almost?
It helps me feel a little less alone on the worst days, at least.

[feathersfly]

Guess that makes sense. My main issue is that, back home, you didn't get a lot of people in my position. And the ones who were closest...well, a lot of them are damaged in ways I'm not really equipped to handle. I don't feel damaged myself, just...not able to fit. Like you said. I don't know that I have much in common with people like that, so I don't think we'd see eye to eye whether I had the tools to deal with them or not. And here...well, I don't know who else is like me here, but I feel like all our situations and worlds are so wildly different that I'm not sure if that's exactly a point of real connection.

But either place, it's hard to actually seek out people like me without having to come out and show that I'm like me, if you follow. I've already been accused of being self-pitying just for giving a rough description of where I'm at and asking for advice. I don't want pity. I don't want to have to get into the ways I'm not normal and have that follow me around. In a lot of ways, I can't actually do that, because people depend on me. If they knew how much of me isn't real, they'd question all of it. I can't afford that. I have to be able to at least pretend to understand people, be one of them, for them to trust me, and I need that trust.

[text]

[instrumentally]

[This text is not anonymous because it has not occurred to her that it should be.]

I do not understand. Why would you choose to pretend to be something that you are not?

[feathersfly]

There's a lot of reasons people do that sort of thing. For me, it's partly because I don't want to have people treat me differently, so I try to act like I'm as normal as anyone else. And partly because I need people to trust me, and people most easily trust those who they at least think are like them.

Text; un: Shoto

[heir_conditioned]

You're not alone. If you're looking for solidarity there are more than a few people I've seen who are learning and struggling every day. It's okay to not get it and people who care for you will understand. The people who don't were never your friends in the first place.

[feathersfly]

Ha, I said almost exactly this to another anon and got accused of giving empty guidance counselor advice. Can't tell if this is unintentional or deliberately ironic.

I don't exactly have many people I'd call friends. I don't know if anyone knows me well enough for that. Losing friends isn't really my concern. I'm not even sure making friends is my concern. I just want to figure out how to relate to people whose universal experiences I can't understand because I'm outside them. All I've got is being unauthentic, and I don't even know if there is an authentic for me to be.

text, anonymous

[epitaffio]

Does it bother you?

[feathersfly]

Sort of. Not in the "I feel sorry for myself" sense, but more in the "am I even human if I can't actually relate to almost anyone else" sense. I know how to act a lot of things. Like, how to take care of people and care about them. But it doesn't feel natural. I'm not sure how to tell if it's real. Do I actually care about people, or am I acting like I do because I want the act to be real? I never learned the normal way. I don't know how it feels, or how to tell the feeling from the act.

I want to know if there's a way for Pinocchio to become a real boy. I want to be able to be genuine, but I don't know how to learn that.

[lifebloomsanew]

Oh I've been human for YEARS and I'm still learning new things about being human every day!

But it's okay to not understand how to react or what's 'normal' for humans. That's how we learn.

[feathersfly]

You make it sound like human's something you...became? Am I reading that right? Guess that's not out of the question in a place that forces humanity on people, though.

The problem is, I was born human. I just wasn't ever really taught how to be one. I was only taught how to act like one. Like...being taught to say words in another language without being taught what they actually mean. Acting without understanding.

Text; NOT anon because he has no clue how to do that

[fayblood]

i dnot know what some o that is

but theres lots of things i dont know how people are supost to be

sandalphon is telling me things but theres alot

and theres so many people every where its hard

[feathersfly]

[Judging by the grammar of the post, this is either someone very young, very uneducated, or possibly both. Having any kind of deep conversation, or getting any useful advice from them, is probably out of the question. But Hawks isn't going to get let them go unanswered. However awkward the message is, it's fully honest, and he can appreciate that.]

Yeah, it's tough. Who's Sandalphon?

[video]

[purifyingroots]

[...So, Millennial Tree Cookie supposes that one would typically be expected to respond to this kind of message with text, but he's still just... so bad at typing. So Hawks gets a video - though, in this case, the camera is directed onto Flame Pup the Arcanine as he gets some scritches, rather than being pointed at MT himself.]

I believe I understand what you're describing - though, I will admit, you are likely under more pressure than I am to seem "normal".

[He can say that without having any idea who this is, because... well. His own circumstances are what they are.]

Does this disconnect trouble you?

[feathersfly]

[Hawks, without really even considering why he's doing it so much as a natural response, promptly analyzes the video. The skin of the arm he can see is much darker than the skin of most people he's met here - a distinctive trait. The voice is one he could recognize if he heard it again. If he wanted or needed to, he could definitely pick this guy out if he met him.

The fact that this innocuous response to his post does not at all need any amount of the forensic analysis he's giving it, or even that he has no pressing need to track this guy down, is an afterthought. There are ways that Hawks has been taught to think and operate that he simply can't shake, and operating as a double agent - twice over - has only exacerbated them.]

It does. Not on the self-pitying level I've been accused of, though. Just in the sense of...being aware of a deficiency in myself, and wondering if there's a way I can shore it up. Or at least make it feel less unnatural.

Text; not anon because she doesn't know how

[neverbreaks]

[ It honestly takes Luisa a long time to reply to this post. Not just because typing was still a bit tricky for her, but she debated on whether she should even answer. But the words are honest, even if she doesn't know who this person is, so it deserves an honest reply too. ]

There are a lot of things that I need to learn myself now. I was always busy working back home, and I didn't have a lot of time to really get to know people, or do much just for me. Now that I have time for myself, both here and back home, I don't really know what to do.

[feathersfly]

I know the feeling.

I've been focusing on pokémon, if you want to know how somebody else has been handling it. They're smart enough that they're almost more like people than pets. So getting to know them, looking after them as their trainer...it's nice. And you should bond with them, really. They're stuck with you, so neglecting them would be shitty.

I'll be honest, though: I think I've been focusing on that because we're all forced into having at least one. And because I had pokémon...I had something to distract me from the fact that I don't have anything else. Even less than I did at home, where at least I had what I used to do. My purpose.

Not that I don't like the little guys, or think focusing on them is bad to do. But what I'm doing might be more avoiding the problem than fixing it. So I'm gonna be honest and say maybe you shouldn't be following my example.

Text, not anon

[gobetween]

There's a lot of things my friends have gotten to experience that I haven't. Like how my uncle was the one who raised me, or the million birthdays a friend always gives herself. And sometimes I've definitely felt lost, like I didn't even know who I was... It's made me angry, angry at my friends for bugging me, angry at myself for "messing up" in the first place.

But there's no book. No golden rules to this sort of thing. It sucks, but there's not any one way to live, I think. You just gotta... get out there. Keep your mind going, and make the best of it you can.

[feathersfly]

Can't say I get angry very often myself. But our situations are different, so the responses will be too. Mostly I just feel...foreign, I guess. Like I'm always in a strange country with people I only barely understand, even when I'm back home in my own country. It gets tiring feeling that way all the time.

Thanks for the encouragement, though. I know there's nothing for it but to keep moving forward. I just hoped someone like me might've figured out some way to make the going easier, but that's probably just me being naive. But anywhere but here, I wouldn't even feel like I could risk asking this, even anonymously, so...had to check.

text, unanonymous (because Jean doesn't care)

[angewiesen]

I felt this so hard when I first got here that I spent an entire year in the woods.

[feathersfly]

Did that help?

text; cw: ableism, child abandonment

[necrodentia]

[ When Rainer responds, it's not anonymous. Partly because she still doesn't know how to do that, but also mostly because she believes attaching her name to her reply will help give it some weight, and also possibly encourage whoever this is to find her later to speak with their name attached, too. Also, she's pretty sure the experiences she's going to describe would be able to be traced back to her, anyway, so there's no point in hiding her identity. ]

It's been a long time, for me, since I felt the way you're describing, but I still remember it. It's hard to let go of feelings like that.

The family I was born into mistreated and neglected me, as soon as it became clear that I couldn't walk or play like other kids. Birthdays, friendships... Those were for other people. Normal, healthy people. I was a burden who they were forced to feed and clothe, and they never let me forget it, but would never let me tell anyone else that they treated me any way other than kindly. Finally, when I came into my magic, it frightened them so much that they just outright disowned me, even though I was too young to get by on my own, and too weak to take care of myself.

I was lucky, in that someone came along to take care of me and teach me that I was worth taking care of, just as I am, regardless of the way anyone else had treated me. There was an adjustment period, but my new dad always tried his hardest to give me the life any young girl would want. He supported me, encouraged me, and helped me become the happy, more well-adjusted person I am now.

I know that not everyone has someone to save them like I did. But if you can find someone who'll step in and do something like that for you, then it's really a big help to grow and learn to accept yourself the way you are.

[feathersfly]

My family weren't award-winners either, that's for sure. So I get it. More than you know, or I'm willing to say while I'm trying to stay anon.

I'm glad someone found you who treated you the way you deserved. But I think it might be a little late in the day for that sort of saving to happen to me.

Anyway, I'm not in a position to ask for support from others. I'm somebody who helps others myself. A lot of that relies on presenting the impression that I'm put together enough to help people with their problems. It's the whole "physician, heal thyself" phenomenon. People don't trust a doctor who can't even cure themselves, and they're not going to trust someone who can't even stand on their own two feet to support them. Those expectations aren't fair or realistic for people to have, but they have them anyway. Sometimes without even realizing what exactly they're thinking or how ridiculous it is. But you can't fight human nature. You just have to work with it.