victory_road | text; backdated to end of Worm-ageddon

[If Mando ever painted anything purple on his helmet, Shadowmaru would have to go lie down.]

That they did.

I think they owe part of their success to such a role model as yourself. So... give yourself a bit more credit, hm?

[Just wait until a few days in the future, when Mando is suddenly an old man and has absolutely painted the cheeks of his helmet purple at some point.]

[He's quiet for a few moments after Shadowmaru tells him to give himself more credit, his fingers still working through Shadowmaru's hair.]

It's hard.

[Almost as hard as it is to admit this!]

I always feel like I should have done more.

Yes... it is, that.

[Hard. It's very hard. Accepting that you're doing a good job with something like this. With teaching, with helping.]

I can understand. [Could he have done more? For Kagerou? Would it have changed anything?] At least you can ask them. Can you not?

Oh gods no.

[He definitely can NOT ask!]

They're teenagers. They don't want to talk about stuff like this.

Why not?

Communication is important for families, isn't it?

[Fair point, Shadowmaru. Mando has to think about his answer for a few minutes.]

It is. But teenagers are still kids, and so they're thinking about themselves all the time. This is my issue, not theirs. And they don't need me dropping my stuff on them.

But they keep coming around, and they bring their friends home when someone from their home world shows up. I think that means they're happy?

[He needs an outsider perspective here, please.]

Does it count as putting it on their shoulders if you simply ask them a question...?

[He leans his head away, slightly, so that he can slot himself right up in Mando's space. Chin on his shoulder.]

I do think you're right, though. They wouldn't bring friends, new faces, to someone they didn't trust. Someone who wasn't important to them.

[YOU'RE DOING FINE, BABE.]

I suppose.

[You know what you've done here, Shadowmaru? You've put yourself directly in line FOR A HEADBONK!]

Thanks.

[And now a very gentle squeeze around his shoulders.]

You know, you're not doing half-bad with the kids either. They ask me about you when you're not around.

[Oh the head bonks. They make his chest feel funny, even now. In a good way. He even hums quietly, in thanks.]

Of course. What sort of companion would I be, not to help?

[Yes, squeezing good. Continue that.]

They what? Why would they...?

Why wouldn't they?

[Did Shadowmaru seriously not realise?]

They ask about what you're doing, or if you're going to be over at our apartment.

Because they're... they're your children. They look to you. Rely on you.

[He shrugs slightly.]

I assumed you would always be first and foremost in importance.

Kids can have more than one adult in their lives.

[There's no denying that Mando is more important to them than Shadowmaru, but discounting Maru entirely wouldn't be right or accurate either.]

You're part of the family now.

Oh, I know that...

[He flaps his hand a bit. Yes, yes, kids have many important adults, but still. How ... to explain it? He's well aware he's important to his fellow BP units. To Yuuta.]

[On the other hand - Deckerd was always the most important. And out of the whole team, only one of them was never able to integrate with the others. The only one with a missing piece. But that's not something to explain - not something to burden another with.]

[So... instead he just shrugs slightly.]

It isn't that I don't believe you. Perhaps one day that will sink in.

Edited 2023-08-11 04:53 (UTC)

[Mando is quiet for awhile. This attitude is... familiar. It's something Mando did himself, before he met the kid. It's deflection. So when he speaks up again, his voice is very soft and gentle, almost like how he'd speak to Grogu when the kid is scared.]

Were you alone back in your world? After Kagerou died?

Kagerou

Shadowmaru goes very, very still. At first, he can’t remember why Mando would know that name. How on earth he knew. No one else ever spoke of his missing shadow. Not one of the others back home ever brought it up, ever uttered the name. Even though they’d all known.

But he remembers, at length. The ghost in the sea.

His fingers curl into fists in the comforter. Not anger. He’s not angry. What name do you even give this feeling? This sharp sudden ache and rush of… something missing. It’s then he realizes he hasn’t said anything in answer, and fumbles, tellingly, for words.

“No - I worked on a team. They, the others, were ever-present.”

Were you alone?

“… they were close. To one another. I was the sole unit designed for stealth infiltration. A … lone wolf. You see.”

Edited 2023-08-11 18:11 (UTC)

Mando stays quiet, letting Shadowmaru think and put his thoughts together. The only motion is his hand, gently rubbing across Shadowmaru’s shoulders.

“It’s lonely, being a lone wolf.” He gets that. He really does. Mando spent most of his life on his own, depending on no one and having no responsibilities to anyone but himself. He had no idea how desperately lonely he’d been until he met Grogu.

“You don’t have to be that anymore. Not here. Not with us.”

Lonely... no one had ever put it so succinctly before. He had tried to live up to his promise. To live, to live some more.

"All other units were designed with combination abilities," he says, after a moment more. Slowly. "Even the unit who transferred from another country was modified to allow for it."

Duke wasn't even Japanese in origin. And yet, he'd formed up with Deckerd and Gunmax. The entire Build Team was one big combiner. Which just... left one. Who leaned into his persona for all he was worth. Because why not? Any potential connection like that had been left at the bottom of the sea.

"Lonely... I suppose I was accustomed to it. Am too accustomed to it. Even now, here. Where I know full well you're being truthful."

"That sounds like a design flaw to me." As soon as he says it, Mando realises how it sounds, and clarifies. "Why would you have one unit that was constantly exposed? Why not maximise all your weapons as much as you can?"

He's not saying Shadowmaru is a flawed design. Far from it; whoever designed him did him dirty, especially if another unit was modified to combine with the others.

"We have a saying back home: Mandalorians are stronger together." He squeezes Shadowmaru's shoulders. "I imagine police officers are too. And if you weren't designed to combine with someone, that's not your fault. And it's not your destiny either."

Mando thought his destiny would involve dying in some stupid gun fight on a barren back world. He never thought he'd end up with the kid, and all the other Mandalorians he's met over the years.

"You can change your design, Shadowmaru. You can choose to combine."

A design flaw. He doesn't know what to say to that - not out of anger. He isn't angry to hear it. Maybe... it's the truth. It wouldn't have been the first time their creators had made errors. Losing Kagerou was proof enough of that.

"I don't know," he admits, at length. "I... don't know why they made that choice. Or if there were plans for more... or..."

Or if the potential for it was lost too.

Without realizing, he'd pulled his good knee to his chest. The other doesn't get to move yet. He'll just wrap his arms around that instead. Destiny, choices. That's fine and good for human beings. But for an AI?

Is he even still an AI?

"This is... a great deal more existential than I meant to get into," he mutters, mostly into his knee. "I don't even know what to call myself. Or if... destiny, choices, have any room for whatever it is I've become."

He wants to believe it. Believe what Mando is saying. And he doesn't doubt Mando believes. It's - complicated. Too complicated.

"It's okay." Mando doesn't try to prevent Shadowmaru from curling in on himself. Instead, he shifts so he can reach his back, and starts loosely braiding his hair. Look at him! He's been watching StarryTube videos and taught himself how to braid!

"We can figure it out. There's no hurry."

He wants to ask is it really? but there are hands in his hair, and the question dies. It's nice. It doesn't matter how well done the braid is, this just feels nice.

"You mean that." He doesn't ask it. It's not a question. "However long it takes?"

It’s not a very good braid. Mando is still learning. But it IS a braid, and Mando is pleased with himself when he’s done.

“However long it takes.” Mando gently bonks the back if Shadowmaru’s head. “I don’t know about you, but I don’t have a bunch of other pressing engagements these days.”

Finally, he leans back against Mando again. It doesn't feel totally settled, this weird in-between state and the confusion of being a part of something. But it helps.

"No, not many," he says. But it doesn't sound like a bad thing, finally. "Just contests. And the breeding society."

Mando carefully arranges the braid on Shadowmaru's shoulder before putting both arms around him again.

"You decided to join the breeding society?" Mando didn't know that! He knows Shadowmaru is supposed to be a breeder, not a trainer. He also knows Shadowmaru's Pokemon have, to the best of his knowledge, never been bred.

"If you ever want to borrow any of my Shinies, just let me know."

"I'm considering it..."

He hasn't made it official yet. Hasn't made the big decision. Mostly, because it feels a little like forcing something on his pokemon. He leans once more into those arms, into the feel of armor.

"If they would want to, then I'm more than happy to do so." If his pokemon want to breed, he'll join. "Yours included."

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My turn to phone tag

Right back at ya with the phone tags

well now i'm just in the prose mode

Prosing it up in here!

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