victory_road | The More You Know

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The More You Know

[The camera clicks on and on screen is a pidgey wearing a green ribbon. She blinks at the camera as Ceilidh's voice comes from elsewhere.]

Today on True Facts About Pokemon we're going to discuss the Pidgey.

Pidgies are birds with brown and tan coloring and resemble a strange cross between a hawk and a sparrow. They are about point three meters in height and can weigh around one point eight kilograms.

Their wing span is easily large enough to allow them long distance flights.

[The pidgey obligingly spreads out her wings and flies around in a short circle before landing.]

While some people think that seeds, grains, nuts and fruits are their favorite foods, this is, a lie. While they can subsist on those foods a pidgey's favorite food is, in fact, peoples' souls. Whenever you see a group of pidgies hanging around a person and going through their shadow, the pidgies are partaking in their yummy, yummy soul by nibbling on their shadow.

Their favorite types of souls are those of office workers, football players, that stupid person in third year that you knew, people named Agnes and ritual mages. However, they are not picky and will take what they can get. They will refuse to eat the souls of anyone who has eaten beans lately. So, if you wish to keep your soul uneaten, you must regularly eat beans of any type. As long as it has the word "bean" in the name it'll work.

[A bean is offered to the pidgie and it swquaks irritably, banishing the bean with a flap of her wings.]

A pidgie's favorite activity is to take long flights where upon it can gaze at all the world. Pidgies believe that if they can see it, it will eventually be theirs.

They are, despite what they might tell you, trying to take over the world. That's why there's so many of them. They're building an ARMY of them, everywhere! AND NO ONE WILL BE READY FOR WHEN THE PIDGEY REVOLUTION HAPPENS!!

[She takes a deep breath after having yelled dramatically there.]

If you wish to prevent pidgies from taking over the world then you're out of luck. They're everywhere.

They're watching you.

They know where you are.

They know what you do.

They know where the keys to your car or home are and will take them from you.

And then...

And then on that fateful day they will herd all the people into factories where they can harvest your souls to eat and enjoy having soul-less humans at their beck and call. Turning the TV channels for them, spraying them with water for a bath and chasing cats away from them.

Pidgies do enjoy a shower more than a bath and spraying them with water is considered to be quite pleasant. If you're doing the dishes or taking a shower you can spray them so they can clean themselves. A dedicated squirt bottle can also be used.

[Her voice turns raspy.]

If you see a pidgey with two shadows run.

[The camera turns off and Ceilidh's voice returns to its normal tone.]

That concludes our true facts about pidgies episode. I hope you found it informative. More in this series will be released eventually.

Next in the series is the murkrow.

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...The shit did I just listen to? Am I having a stroke? Is this what having a stroke is?

[This is said as if she were stating the obvious, like the sky is blue and this guy is an idiot.]

You've listened to an informative video about pidgies. Belladona herself told me all of this. You're not saying she's a liar, are you?

[She flicks a gesture to the pidgey wearing the green bow who gives him an imperious look. As imperious look as a pidgey can give.]

Ehhhhh, sounded more like the kind of ECHOcast you hear at 2 AM in the morning coming from some Maliwan research tech who's been huffing too many battery fumes.

I had a pidgey. But it was boring and didn't do much for me so I gave it to one of my kids.

Meowth, now those are the ones I wouldn't be surprised are secretly bent on world domination.

I assure you that it was completely accurate, straight from the mouth of a pidgey herself.

[Her eyes narrow when he calls the pidgey 'it'. From how he talks about the bird, she seriously doubts that he asked the bird if it wanted to be an 'it'. ]

And of course the pidgey acted boring. They don't want you to know they're trying to take over the world.

[A snort.]

You don't know cats very well. Cats are inherently lazy and find work - especially the sort that involves taking over the world too much trouble. Also, they have servants. Why do they need to take over the world when they've people to cater to their every need?

Though, I have heard stories that they do use dreams and belief to make us do that. It's their way of controlling people. None of the cats I've ever talked to admit it though.

Then I think your pidgey's on drugs. Or...needs to be on drugs, I dunno how psychosis works in magic birds.

[But that doesn't stop him from wildly theorizing, because why not?]

Actually, I know cats pretty damn well. Especially Meowth, I've had like ten of'em since I got here. And they ain't lazy, kiddo. It'd be nice if Cattrap was, he's going on all engines all hours of the friggin night and day, but he's nowhere near lazy.

Pretty sure my partner's gonna strangle him the next time he comes crashing through the bedroom window in the middle of the night.

I would never give anyone drugs unless a trusted doctor says so. This is what she told me. I would think she knows what she's talking about.

[Don't be insulting.]

Oh, cats are active alright. I have quite a few cats at home. But this is in regards to taking over the world, not running across your keyboard and knocking everything off the table.

You must live a very boring life. Drugs make daily life way more fun. I mean....ya know, when you don't have anything more important to do. Don't do drugs and operate anything with blades or grinders, is what I'm saying. Or draft up any important legislature, that's...that's just asking for hilarious disaster!

....Yeah, gonna disagree there. [As he eyes his organized crime gang of Meowth.] Plus, ya know...we're not talking hairball coughing, meow meow normal cats. We're talking magic alien cats.

I live a very exciting life ... back home. It's insanely dull here. No one to fight, no monsters attacking anyone. No ghosts that need to be put to rest. No one needs rescuing. No fairies or tourists to trick.

[There's a bit of an overly dramatic sigh here.]

Maybe.

Have you asked them?

Uh, there's monsters to fight all over. Don't get me wrong, I know where you're coming from. I was bored out of my mind for months, here. But this is also a planet full of like magic shit and weird history and a lot of stuff nobody knows or understands. You just gotta look at it different. Sure, I don't get the thrill of heading a giant galactic empire anymore, buuut....I have my own giant dragon and that's pretty sweet. And there's tech here I've never seen before. I got a Pokemon...he's literally made of computer code. That's cool as shit!

Uh...I ask Cattrap what the hell's up with him frequently, but he's yet to give a satisfying answer. Granted, he communicates mostly through really bad doodles and his own version of charades that involves props, so...

I can't even get a knife or a spear here. Never mind a sword or a rifle...

[Grumble... grumble... grumble...]

The magic here is weird all right. No one seems to have any, except for the critters here and even then I'm not sure if that's what it is. It doesn't ... feel right to call it magic as they're not tapping into the leylines or gods to do anything. I don't even know if there are leylines here. The few times I've tried to check I've gotten nothing.

[Adrian would know. He's the scientist/ Ritual mage. He knows everything.]

Can you have a dragon? I guess what they call dragons here might be willing to be had.

[She's thoughtful here. It's hard shifting focus on what things are called here vs what they're called at home. Oh, there's similarities, of course, but still...]

You're preaching to the choir, kiddo. But hey, plenty of Pokemon have spikes and blades and shoot stuff outta themselves. There's one that's a friggin sword. My partner's got one. Ya just gotta be creative.

Magic's just a good word for whatever we don't have the science to explain yet. I can't explain Pokemon shit with science yet, so I call it magic.

Obviously I can have a dragon, I do. He's huge and scaly with wings and he breathes fire and his name is Warrior.

I used kittens as weapons when I was little; fought off a fairy lady with one. But it doesn't feel right not having a weapon in my hands.

[She tilts her head at him curiously.]

Magic is a branch of the sciences. Like geology, necromancy and biology. It's one of the oldest ones.

I don't have one, but I've always wanted to ride on one. The only one I know is a sea dragon and I can't breathe under water.

That's a new one. Look, you're like the rest of us, you gotta adjust.

I...am not having this conversation again.

They got those, too, but mine's from volcano places.

It was AMAZING. I even saved my Aunt Grace and Uncle Rory.

[She was five at the time. Despite that, it's ninety percent true.]

Yeah, I'm sure. I know. I've got a staff at least.

[There's a tilt of her head.]

Again?

There's volcanoes around here? Coool. I've always wanted to see one.

Good for you, cupcake.

There you go. You can whack shit with that, you're good. And hey, there's paintball.

Different worlds have different ideas of what's magic and what's science, and everybody always wants to talk about it. I don't.

Yeah, there's Mount Mortar, I think it's called. Got all kinds of fire types there. There's tropic islands, too, and beaches and all kinds of shit.

There's paintball here?! I could totally modify one of those guns to shoot something else if I've got the right tools.

[Her cousin - the mechanical genius one - totally didn't teach her how to do that just in case she needed to get a gun when she didn't have access to one.]

Well, it's kinda weird that there's worlds without magic out there. I'm surprised anything functions. People like comparing things like trading cards or weapons. They're comparing worlds.

[There's a shrug. She'll drop it now.]

Oooh. I've never been to the tropics either. Eire's really good at drab weather. Long spans of nice weather is weeeeird.

Theoretically, you should be able to. In practice...for some reason, it just doesn't work. Unless the thing you want to shoot is like...feathers or water. You wanna take somebody down, you gotta use your fists or whatever's lying around.

They function just fine. They have entirely different natural laws.

Well there ya go. Me? I live in a winter resort town where there's always snow and skiing. At least for now.

Huh.

[She's inclined to trust him since he's been here longer than her and seems to be a similar sort. At least when it comes to weapons. She's not to to sure about the galactic empire thing. That's something to be dealt with later as there is no galactic empire here. As long as the guy's behaving then she's got no reason to do anything. It's McCallum logic.]

Apparently!

A winter resort town here?

You wanna talk about it more, shoot me a private message.

Yeah, Blackthorn. Ski town. We got a ski lodge up here. Got it for my dude as a Valentine's present. They got some cool Pokemon up here, I caught a boxing bear.

[She froze as he mentioned the name of town. And then snorted a laugh.]

I'm from Blackthorn, but we're no where near a ski lodge. That's funny.

["Valentine's" meant nothing to her.]

Lotta ski resorts up here! Up in the mountains, it's nice. Kinda ritzy, that's what we like about it. Almost all the towns here are named after like...trees or flowers or something like that. Someone wasn't feeling too creative that day.

I should go up there so I can say that I was in Blackthorn when it was covered in massive amounts of snow.

And for once not be completely lying.

Well, are there actual blackthorn trees around?

It's kind of a bitch getting here, but it's a nice place.

I don't know, I'm not a treeologist. There's...pine trees and stuff, I guess. Winter trees.

How come it's so hard to get there?

It's called a botanist.

'Cause it's way up in the mountains on the other side of Johto from like everything.

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The More You Know

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