The More You Know

[queen_stabbity]

[The camera clicks on and on screen is a pidgey wearing a green ribbon. She blinks at the camera as Ceilidh's voice comes from elsewhere.]

Today on True Facts About Pokemon we're going to discuss the Pidgey.

Pidgies are birds with brown and tan coloring and resemble a strange cross between a hawk and a sparrow. They are about point three meters in height and can weigh around one point eight kilograms.

Their wing span is easily large enough to allow them long distance flights.

[The pidgey obligingly spreads out her wings and flies around in a short circle before landing.]

While some people think that seeds, grains, nuts and fruits are their favorite foods, this is, a lie. While they can subsist on those foods a pidgey's favorite food is, in fact, peoples' souls. Whenever you see a group of pidgies hanging around a person and going through their shadow, the pidgies are partaking in their yummy, yummy soul by nibbling on their shadow.

Their favorite types of souls are those of office workers, football players, that stupid person in third year that you knew, people named Agnes and ritual mages. However, they are not picky and will take what they can get. They will refuse to eat the souls of anyone who has eaten beans lately. So, if you wish to keep your soul uneaten, you must regularly eat beans of any type. As long as it has the word "bean" in the name it'll work.

[A bean is offered to the pidgie and it swquaks irritably, banishing the bean with a flap of her wings.]

A pidgie's favorite activity is to take long flights where upon it can gaze at all the world. Pidgies believe that if they can see it, it will eventually be theirs.

They are, despite what they might tell you, trying to take over the world. That's why there's so many of them. They're building an ARMY of them, everywhere! AND NO ONE WILL BE READY FOR WHEN THE PIDGEY REVOLUTION HAPPENS!!

[She takes a deep breath after having yelled dramatically there.]

If you wish to prevent pidgies from taking over the world then you're out of luck. They're everywhere.

They're watching you.

They know where you are.

They know what you do.

They know where the keys to your car or home are and will take them from you.

And then...

And then on that fateful day they will herd all the people into factories where they can harvest your souls to eat and enjoy having soul-less humans at their beck and call. Turning the TV channels for them, spraying them with water for a bath and chasing cats away from them.

Pidgies do enjoy a shower more than a bath and spraying them with water is considered to be quite pleasant. If you're doing the dishes or taking a shower you can spray them so they can clean themselves. A dedicated squirt bottle can also be used.

[Her voice turns raspy.]

If you see a pidgey with two shadows run.

[The camera turns off and Ceilidh's voice returns to its normal tone.]

That concludes our true facts about pidgies episode. I hope you found it informative. More in this series will be released eventually.

Next in the series is the murkrow.

Comments

[tookashirototheknee]

Well. I think I know why my sister is called Pidge now.

[queen_stabbity]

She too wishes to dominate the world?

[She keeps her expression and voice completely serious.]

[puzzlemonkey]

I believe there is medication for your affliction.

[queen_stabbity]

[Ceilidh arches an eyebrow at him. It's a very good eyebrow arch. She has had plenty of good examples from family members.]

And what exactly is that supposed to mean?

[puzzlemonkey]

Of all the strange creatures in this world that actually kidnap children and absorb souls you chose a Pidgey to fear.

[Video]

[maybeitsmabelline]

[Mabel just stares at her 'gear for a moment before snicker-snorting, covering her mouth with her hand.]

That was hilarious.

Re: [Video]

[queen_stabbity]

[Though her expression is completely serious, there's a twinkling in her eyes giving lie to it.]

I have no idea what you're talking about.

[Video]

[maybeitsmabelline]

Pfft, okay. If you say so!

[Mabel drops her hand and grins, squinting at the other girl.]

You'd fit right in back home in Gravity Falls! There's lots of people there that come up with really weird stories. [A pause.] Most of it's true.

[thedifferencebetween]

...The shit did I just listen to? Am I having a stroke? Is this what having a stroke is?

[queen_stabbity]

[This is said as if she were stating the obvious, like the sky is blue and this guy is an idiot.]

You've listened to an informative video about pidgies. Belladona herself told me all of this. You're not saying she's a liar, are you?

[She flicks a gesture to the pidgey wearing the green bow who gives him an imperious look. As imperious look as a pidgey can give.]

[thedifferencebetween]

Ehhhhh, sounded more like the kind of ECHOcast you hear at 2 AM in the morning coming from some Maliwan research tech who's been huffing too many battery fumes.

I had a pidgey. But it was boring and didn't do much for me so I gave it to one of my kids.

Meowth, now those are the ones I wouldn't be surprised are secretly bent on world domination.

[Video]

[garbagechild]

<sub>[Wrath watches the entire video, nodding solemnly to himself. He'd never thought about Pidgeys that way. Interesting!]

[But never the less...]</sub>

Well, I'll be fine.

I don't have a soul.

Re: [Video]

[queen_stabbity]

[Too bad pretty much 90% of it was blatant lies. Possibly more. It's hard to say. Belladonna and Princess She Who Devours the Darkness in People's Souls helped her come up with it.]

You'll be fine from pidgies. I'm sure there are other things that enjoy eating the soulless.

[Video]

[garbagechild]

<sub>[Hey, when Wrath first got here, someone literally told him that bread was full of snakes and would cause him to leak ectoplasm from his eyeballs if he consumed it, and he bought it hook line and sinker.]

[Pidgeys eating souls is perfectly easy to believe-- especially since Wrath himself ate plenty of souls back home! Souls are delicious and crunchy.]</sub>

I'll be safe from them too.

I'm very fast.

[video]

[captainash]

You forgot to mention that they often envy their older relatives' crest feathers, to the point that they steal human blood to dye their own to match.

[A mostly complete description, but not quite. 7.5/10.]

Re: [video]

[queen_stabbity]

[Considering it's been about 90% fake news, 7.5/10 is pretty good. She goes with it easily.]

I thought about mentioning that but it seemed rather ... unsettling for people to hear.

[As opposed to soul devouring.]

[video]

[captainash]

It's an important warning, unsettling or not. Nearly had a heart attack the first time my sweet Luster tried to rip my leg open. Would have saved us both much time if I'd known.

[What Luster thinks of these allegations is sadly unknown.]

[Video]

[notmyrealname]

Information is not your strong suit. Pidgeys are not what any should fear. Your true facts need checked.

[Ceilidh will heard the voice in her head as a Vulpix seems to stare at the 'gear, a large Mimikyu looming behind her with glowing eyes.

If their trainer is around, they're nowhere in sight.]

The Fire can destroy Pidgeys without hesitation. Mayhaps you need to reconsider your position.

Re: [Video]

[queen_stabbity]

Anything can be killed with fire if you use enough of it. And if it's not being killed with fire then you're not using enough of it.

Well known fact.

[She then tilts her head a little and wiggles her finger in her ear.]

Telepathy feels weird.

Video

[starry_forehead]

[Okay he may have started taking this seriously but....fff yeah laughing now.]

I almost wish that were true. Please tell me you're going to do another one.

Re: Video

[queen_stabbity]

[The fact that it started out perfectly normal and serious before spinning out into batshit territory is half the fun with these things. Completely straight faced she said.]

How do you know it's not true.

And yes, I am planning on doing others in this series. My next one will be about the Murkrow. All information shall be be gathered from Murkrows themselves - especially Princess She Who Devours the Darkness in Peoples' Souls.

[She flicks a hand to a murkrow wearing a sparkling pink ribbon.]

[unconchonable]

...Do you humans got an equiwalent to sopor slime or fuckin' what?

[Seriously, if not for how well spoken she is, he'd just assume she was having a bad trip or something with the bullshit she's spewing.

Yes, Pidgeys eating souls, clearly that's a totally real thing, uh huh...]

[queen_stabbity]

[There's a grin on her face. This guy hasn't heard of satire?]

Is that a kind of drug?

Video

[gobblewonked]

[His eyes went wide when he saw this, but then she gets to the part about beans, and he clutches his chest. Whew. Whew. He's safe.]

I knew them flyin' sky-mice weren't up to no good!

Re: Video

[queen_stabbity]

[That's a bizarre looking man and she'd seen some bizarre looking people. Belladonna is insulted at being called 'sky-mice'. She wasn't any mouse at all! Those were dull and weak and stuck on the ground.

She gives the guy an earful causing Ceilidh to start laughing hysterically. She can understand the bird after all!]