victory_road | text | anon as possible

... just the truth. That there wasn't anything I could think of that he could do. He -- he wanted to stop things that had already happened.

[He shakes his head. Things like his and Matt's initial capture. Like what happened after. There just wasn't any way.]

[And yet he still feels like he let Keith down.]

[Jean thinks about that for a few moments, petting Fat Ice Dog as he mulls over different timelines and how some people remember different things than others.]

Keith is from an earlier time than you are, right?

[Jean assumes this is true, since Keith has never talked about a giant robot space lion the way Shiro has.]

It's not impossible that he couldn't change something, you know? If he goes home and remembers things about being here. He can't do anything about the stuff that had already happened, but maybe stuff after?

[It's something to think about, at least. But that's not the point here, and Jean gently nudges Shiro with his shoulder.]

Sounds like he was upset because he knows you got hurt and he couldn't help you, not because he felt let down.

Yeah. He is. [His own hands are busy in Luna's fur. Stoking her ears back while she purrs steadily.] Way before.

[But -- not far enough to change anything. Not even like Jean said he might be able to. Because:]

He wants to stop Matt and I from being captured. But he was on Earth when it happened. There just... isn't any way he could. It's already happened for him.

[Jean has a good point in general. Maybe it's something to point out to Keith later. If... they ever have a chance to talk again. But the real problem was the guy wanting to do something he couldn't physically or logically do.]

You'd think I'd have noticed something like that.

No.

[Jean speaks quietly, his head down and focusing on Fat Ice Dog.]

You notice a lot of things, but you can't be expected to notice everything. Especially not when you're hurting.

[It's a rebuke, but it's the gentlest one Jean can make.]

It's not your job to take care of everything, especially if that means you can't take care of yourself.

[Yes it is.]

[That's the first, kneejerk response. Yes, it is his job. He's their leader. He's the one who needs to be in control, to be able to come through. He shouldn't be hurting. He...]

[Luna is yowling. That's how he knows he's stopped petting her.]

I thought I was doing all right, you know? Slowing things down. Not... trying to take care of everything.

[He'd actually gone out and gotten a little tipsy, even. Which never would have happened before he'd spent so much time here.]

Now this happens. And it's like being back at square one.

You were doing all right. You're still doing all right.

[Case in point: Jean leans in and very gently thumps Shiro on the shoulder that has the fake arm. The arm that he'd been so upset and jumpy about touching people with after Halloween. The arm that he'd hugged Jean with just a few days ago.]

You saw something that reminded you of something shitty and now you're feeling bad again. But you figured out how to get better before, which means you can do it again. And it'll be easier this time, because you've already done it once and now you know how.

And you have Matt and me and Armin and Dr. Ford and everyone else here to help you. You don't have to do it alone.

[There's a lot he should say here. A lot that's been drilled into him to say. That he shouldn't rely on them. They shouldn't have to carry him, they shouldn't have to take care of someone who should be able to take care of himself. He should be able to do this on his own.]

[He doesn't realize he's dropped his face into his hands. Or let his shoulders curl in.]

I just...

I wanted to be okay. For all of you. Jean, you... you guys deserve that from me.

[Not even for himself. For all of them. All those people Jean just told him he could lean on. All those people who have his back. He wants to be normal for their sake.]

[Jean included. Because what kind of "father figure" would he be if he couldn't do that for him?]

Edited 2018-06-03 23:48 (UTC)

No offense, Shiro, but that's bullshit.

[Time for some tough love.]

I don't want you to be okay for me. I want you to be okay for you.

[And now to soften the blow a little.]

Look, you're going to be important to me regardless. I.. [a short pause, as he struggles with the words] ...I love you, you dumb dorito, and I want you to be okay. Whether I deserve it or not has never even crossed my mind.

[GASP! A (FAMILIAL) LOVE CONFESSION! And does Jean know what a Dorito is? He does not, but he's heard Krieg describe Shiro that way so it seems fitting.]

[Your move, dorito dad.]

[He's not even going to argue the cursing, just look at Jean with something close to apology.]

That's... my life, back there. In space.

[Having to be okay for everyone else. They needed him to be. The universe needed him to be. What right did he have to be selfish, to want something for his own sake? Even something as simple as being "okay". Or admitting he wants it. For a while, he'd let himself relax here, let himself want things.]

[But it was clear he shouldn't have. Wasn't it? Let his guard down and look what happened.]

Jean, I... [He doesn't even know what he's trying to say. He did, but then Jean goes and says that.]

[Words just leave him. For once. And all he can do is look at Jean for several long moments.]

[His move is going to be a hug. Just. Wordlessly hug Jean like his life depends on it.]

But it doesn't need to be your life here.

[Goodness, Jean has been getting a lot of hugs lately! He's currently up 400% from his usual monthly quota, and 200% of those have come from Shiro! No complaints, though.]

[Jean has thought this would go this way, and he's ready and willing to take that hug. Yes, sir, he's just going to hug Shiro right back, and hold onto him as long as Shiro wants. Although he does have a question...]

Shiro? What's a dorito?

[Jean, do you know how much he wants to agree? How much he wants to tell you he doesn't want it to be his life here, either. That he wants to be the pilot again. Just that. The only title he ever felt like he really earned, that he ever wanted to work for...]

[Instead of falling into. Instead of having it piled on his shoulders for trying to survive.]

[So yeah. This is one heck of a hug.]

[... it only really loosens up when Jean asks that question, of all things. And that's only because he's starting to laugh. A watery, exhausted sort of laugh that sounds more disbelieving than anything else.]

It's -- it's a chip. A triangle.

[Well, Jean will soon be in possession of a walking train car that only has a Trubbish to drive it. It's not quite interstellar flight, but if Shiro asks nicely, Jean is sure Buddy will let him drive.]

[Even a watery, exhausted laugh is better than no laugh at all, and Jean leans back a little when he gets his explanation. He takes a moment to look Shiro up and down, then nods solemnly.]

That makes sense.

[Okay more hug now. Krieg's naming scheme checks out.]

[Jean that sounds horrifying. Why would you have that.]

What--? Why are you asking?

[That apparent appraisal just gets to him all over again. Please explain, son.]

[Horrifyingly AWESOME, you mean!]

Krieg calls you that sometimes.

[That and Sugar, but Shiro already knows about that.]

He calls me Sparky.

Does he really?

[Well, now at least he sounds better. Better than he did before, when they started this conversation.]

[... still hugging him though.]

Because of Blitz?

Yeah. I finally get it now.

[Thank you, uncle Krieg, for helping with this bonding moment.]

I think so. Well, Blitz and all the other ones.

[The entire island full of them.]

[Jean goes quiet for a few moments, just enjoying the hug. Fat Ice Dog squishes up into his lap--oh, are you hugging! He loves hugging! Spheal hugs too, please! Eventually, Jean looks up again.]

Do you feel any better now?

The Voltorb whisperer. That's you, man.

[They both owe Krieg a big explosive thank you for this bonding moment. Sort of. The Dorito part.]

[Okay, but if her friend is getting up there, then Europa wants up too! Pretty soon, there's two bouncing spheals in the bed who demand affection. Luna just migrates up to her trainer's shoulders with feline disdain.]

... I will. I think I'll feel better sooner than later.

[You know what's the only thing better than one Spheal? Two Spheals. Jean is on board for this tubby onslaught.]

Okay. If you want to talk about it more, I'll listen.

[Jean sits back to give Shiro a critical look.]

And if you need to talk more, I'm coming to find you.

[Everything is better with more spheals!! How can you be sad with these little blobs of pure joy?]

I know. I know...

[He knows Jean will hunt him down for this. Like he knows he'll listen, if necessary, too.]

Jean? [And he meets that critical look with one that definitely borders on Dadly Pride.] You're a good friend.

Everyone here is lucky you're back.

Pfffft...

[Jean makes a snorting noise and ducks his head, but he's smiling all the same.]

Thanks.

[If this had come from anyone other than Shiro, it would probably be met with denial or trying to skate around it. But from Shiro, Jean can actually, almost, believe it.]

[You know what happens when you duck your head around the Dad. You know that right Jean?]

[He's going to aggressively fluff your hair around.]

No problem, buddy.

text | anon as possible

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