victory_road

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I had another freakin' birthday here.

[Jack's leaning back in a chair, one of his Meowth on his lap, 'gear on the desk in front of him. He's wearing his trademark yellow Hyperion jersey under a brown leather jacket, smoking lazily and looking off screen at the start. He turns to the 'gear before continuing, exhaling a series of smoke rings before resuming his address.]

Do you know that makes three? I've had three birthdays here. Do you know what I got asked today, by some pizza-faced teen at the corner store? I got asked if I wanted to take advantage of a senior discount special. Do I look like a senior to you? No! I don't! I'm not even close to senior aged! Geeze, way to make a guy feel old...

[Depending on how one defines 'close', anyway. Either way, someone's losing their job, Jack has decided this already.]

But you know what really sucks? You know what I did for my birthday?

Nothing.

I didn't even realize until it was like over, and nobody else friggin remembered. Back home, my birthday's a holiday on like a dozen planets. We're talking week long celebrations, biopics and documentaries on every ECHOnet channel, town festivals...I get presents from people I've never even met! Every department head on Helios makes a speech - and they're really good speeches!

[Because there are consequences otherwise. It had only taken going through half a dozen department heads to get that lesson across.]

I think what I'm trying to say here, besides drawing attention to my recent birthday, is....

I'm somebody. And I been soft and lazy for the last few years, 'cause why not? A guy needs a break, needs to take some time, smell the roses growing from unlikely Pokemon orifices. But...three birthdays is a long enough break.

I think it's time I got to serious planning for the long term. You don't get anywhere sitting on your ass, watching your dogs.

[It looks like Jack is about to turn off the feed, but then he draws back and addresses the screen one final time.]

And just in case the whole first part of this wasn't clear, you all missed my birthday and I'm still accepting presents.

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You know, it's not nice to be selfish.

[Mabel is not impressed, sir. Not impressed at all. Neither is the Heracross standing beside her and the Bunnelby perched on it's head.]

Maybe there's a reason people forgot it's your birthday.

Who's being selfish? Sorry I'm feeling shitty about having a shitty birthday, but you have your whole family die and then the people you've got left forget your birthday and then see how you feel.

I'm guessing it wouldn't be too good.

They probably didn't forget on purpose, mister. You're just being mean to be mean because you feel bad. How's that going to make everyone else feel? Bad and guilty.

I bet your friends do feel bad that they forgot but you don't have to be a jerk to them about it!

Oh kiddo, if you think this is being 'mean'....

[Jack actually laughs. He didn't even call anyone a moron! 'Mean'...]

Ahh, that's a good one, I needed that.

And honestly...no, I don't think anyone feels bad. But that's 'cause I don't think I actually got any friends that are still around. Just me and the one kid I got left.

But this is what I mean about making plans. I gotta get my shit together.

There's different types of being mean. There's prissy unicorns telling me I'm not good enough so I have to punch them in their snouts and rip their mane's out mean and then being a jerk because you didn't get the presents you wanted on your birthday mean!

[Laugh it up, old man.]

Then you shouldn't post trying to make people feel bad if you know that no one actually did anything wrong. That just makes it even worse! If you want people to do something nice for you then be nice to them, duh!

Yeah, see, that sounds a lot to me like you're projecting a personal thing here. Had a bad run in with some unicorns, huh?

Who'm I making feel bad? If there's nobody here who gives a crap about me, they're not gonna care. It's sure as hell not gonna make my girl feel bad, she's just like me, we communicate almost purely in shit-talking each other.

I think the big question here is...why do you care so much? Do you usually get into it with strange men going through mid-life crises? Because that's...that's kind of weird. And potentially dangerous for you.

No, I'm just saying there's different types of being a jerk so yes you are being a jerk and being mean.

Anybody that sees this message! It doesn't matter if people are your friends are not! Anyone that cares about people in general is going to feel bad because you're upset even if you're a big old jerk!

Because I don't like seeing people unhappy and I don't like seeing people being mean to other people for no reason! If you're upset or hurt about something you should just talk to people--you don't have to be passive aggressive and a jerk about it!

Nah, I think this is a you issue.

[When there's no actual argument to be offered, Jack turns to deflecting and ignoring every valid point.]

Aw, you're cute. Gotta love a kid before all the shine and hope and innocence is beaten out of'em by life!

Hearts around here aren't as bleeding as you think, skipper. And who are you to talk? You taking your own advice here? Cause it looks to me like you're the one who came in here and started calling me names and trying to make me feel bad. Gonna file you under Hippo-Critus.

Hippo-Critian?

You get the joke.

[That gets a snort out of Mabel.]

I just came in here calling you what you are. A jerk. A big mean jerk for trying to make people feel bad for you just because no one wished you a happy birthday when you said it yourself: no one wants to wish you a happy birthday and now I see why.

Well guess what?

[And now she grins, throwing her hands up.]

Happy belated birthday, mister! You may be a jerk but you still deserve birthday wishes. Hopefully you'll get over yourself next year so people will remember and maybe buy you presents!

Ah, see! Call me a jerk all ya want, you're still talking with me and I made ya laugh. Cause I'm a fun cool guy who's beloved by millions in another dimension. Who's earned the right to some self pity and shit, I've had a really rough few months.

Okay, okay, it's Jack. Handsome Jack. The 'mister' thing is a little too Dickensian twee for me.

But thanks? I guess?

Pfft, yeah sure. If you say so. I still think you're a jerk but even a jerk deserves happy birthday wishes, Mister Jack!

And you're welcome! If I had time I'd make you a Mabel Pines specialty birthday cake but I don't unfortunately. Mostly because I don't have a place to make one. But I hope you get to eat some!

And you're like twelve, you think all kinds of stuff.

Yeah, that's...that's probably okay. I dunno if you should be allowed near an oven. Again, with the whole being a small child thing.

If I can help Grunkle Stan make counterfeit money I can back a cake!

[It's said with a scoff and a wave of her hand like it's the most casual thing ever.]

I may be twelve but I've got skills, mister!

Counterfeiting money is a lot less likely to end in a fire. At least in my experience with counterfeiting money.

Which I've never done myself but I've seen it on TV and known plenty of guys who got airlocked for it.

So did you get away with your fake money? 'Cause that's the real test. Doesn't count unless you get away with it.

You've never been around Grunkle Stan.

Uh huh. Sure you haven't.

No, we didn't. But! I know how to make money now just in case I ever have to again! Grunkle Stan taught Dipper and I a lot of really awesome life skills like that!

No I haven't but that doesn't sound much like a vote of confidence.

Too much risk, not enough gain. Besides, I'm a computer guy. Way easier and less risky ways for me to get my hands on money, if I'd ever needed to. I made my fortune in smart deals and stealing stock tips.

So you failed at counterfeiting money. But A for effort, I'll give ya that.

Yeah, I know your brother, pretty smart kid.

Life's not fun if you don't take some risks, silly. Sometimes you just have to get out your grappling hook and swing into the unknown! Or make fake money just to see if you can get away with it!

Dipper is the smartest person ever! [A pause.] Except for maybe Grunkle Ford. And Grunkle McGucket. They're all pretty smart. Put them all together and they're unbeatable!

Acceptable risks! That's how ya keep on having birthdays!

Yeah, from what I've seen you've got...one interesting family.

I'd watch a reality show about you people. Drop ya all on some random planet somewhere, film the results...

I can see it.

[Mabel giggle-snorts.]

All risks are acceptable risks if you're crazy enough!

The best family!

[Get it right.]

We'd battle our way out in a heartbeat! That's what the Pines family does!

[A short time after Jack's whiney network message, a Pidgey courrier arrives with a delivery. The delivery contains a handwritten note on a torn sheet of yellow lined memo paper, stapled to a ziplock baggie.

The note is written in all-caps chicken scratch, and reads:]

SUCK A SKAG!

DON'T DIE OF OLD AGE BEFORE I CAN KILL YOU AGAIN, OLD MAN!!

[It's signed with a crude drawing of a buzz axe.

Accompanying this handwritten note is a ziplock baggie containing exactly three (3) vanilla wafer cookies. None of them have survived in transit. One is mostly crushed to powder, one is broken up into crumbs, and the third has been broken, split into three pieces.

Happy freakin' birthday, asshole.]

I thought birthdays were less important the older you got until you got to like..."Wow I'm surprised you're still alive" age.

Anyway sorry I missed your birthday...honestly I had no idea. But if you tell me what sort of things you like I'll drag Diana out shopping.

thats dumb, y cant adults make a big deal about birthdays? the older u get, the more u have to celebrate not dying!

i almost forgot it myself. and diana nos what i like.

I dunno. Where I come from old people just don't like being reminded their old. But then again not everyone has as much to celebrate as you Mr. big time CEO celebrity on multiple planets and greeting card kingpin.

Alright I'll get her working on it and we'll send it to you. You still in Goldenrod?

I suppose this is as good a time as any to make nice with you so if you do actually come out of retirement or whatever this is I won't be on your bad side.

(Despite still being a traitor to Team Rocket and totally going out of her way to mess up Rocket gangs when she finds them.)

xcuse u, i'm not old! i'm in the prime of my life. old enough to b experienced young enough i'm still hot and in shape and shit. old men don't get hot dudes in their early 30s.

nah, but she nos where i am. bumming around. u 2 should come hang.

ur a smart girl.

I mean it couldn't possibly be because he likes you for your personality. It must just be your looks.

[She's always been a bit of a romantic...also sorry Jack but you are very much not her type so trying to imagine someone liking his looks is beyond her.]

We'll try and wrangle our way over to hang out. It's been too long.

I take it you were quite famous where you were from?

*that or a despotic tyrant, from personal experience he can see that going either way, but that would be rude to suggest, wouldn't it?*

Yup. One of the galaxy's greatest success stories! Came up from nothing, worked my way up the ladder of one of the biggest companies in space, took some crazy chances, killed some giant space beasts, saved a moon and a planet...

Plus I dress really great and look good on posters!

Ah, so something of a folk hero...?

No, a folk hero is some long dead person who may or may not have been real.

I am an actual hero, and president of the largest corporate empire in space. I'm basically the only guy trying to bring peace and civilization to the galactic frontier.

It's currently full of cannibals and mutants.

Well, that or a king or such is usually the sort who'd have such extravagant celebrations back home.

*easy mistake to make, right?*

That does sound like quite a problem to deal with, though.

Yeah, I'm pretty much as close to a 'king' as we have where I come from. My title's president, but...

Course we do things different than a lot of places, I dunno anywhere else that has a corporatocracy.

Buddy, you've got no idea.

'Corporatocracy'?

*he's never heard of the term before, unsurprisingly*

I'll take your word for it.

*granted, he's heard of some pretty crazy stuff ~~and his own world's no picnic~~ but...*

Corporations are the ruling power. We don't have countries or monarchies or that shit, we have corporations. Like I call Hyperion a corporate empire because we are. The most planets in the galaxy are aligned with Hyperion. We make and enforce the laws, we provide jobs, we have armies to defend our people, we're colonizing uninhabited frontier planets and making'em safe for families...

I'm president of Hyperion, it's my corporation. So that makes me president of everything Hyperion.

I'm the big cheese of the big cheese, basically.

Ah, that sounds a little bit like what I've heard of the Iyet Republic back in my world... Well, in some ways, at least.

Although... if you're in charge of so much, wouldn't so many gifts and festivities end up being rather redundant?

No! Who doesn't love a big ass party and a chance to not work for half a day? And I really can't stress how much I'm beloved back home. People write songs about me. People ask me to bless their babies. I don't even get that one, I'm an atheist, but whatever.

Well, it sounds rather tedious to me, at least, I'm afraid I don't see the appeal, myself.

Eh, it's a culture thing. Hyperion likes to celebrate its heroes.

I can't really imagine being the focus of so much attention, myself. Wouldn't it be rather tiring?

r u saying my presence isnt a gift?

4 my birthday? nope. thats a regular every day gift, like a sunset or some crap.

but u have everythin already! wht do u wnt? me to make u a macaroni necklace? ill even use the shaped ones.

birthday crap! i don't have a cake. just...i dunno, do whatever it is teenage kids do for their dads on their birthday.

u watch tv, u can figure it out.

so needy.

well get u a cake and a bunch of cheap cards. and probably a bbq set.

well that's wut happens when almost every1 u love dies.

and then u'll bbq a steak dinner, rite? i got the beer.

cuz u still can't buy it legally.

when r u gonna be 21 and i can take u to bars?

u wnt me 2 tri n cook u a steak? alrite.

erm. in like 4 yrs.

y do u wnt me to grow up so fast? harsh pops. enjoy my childhood.

[Diana you are 17, that is not childhood. You have no childhood.]

well yeah. i'm gonna cook my own bday dinner?

no i just wish u could drink legally.

ill get you takeout if ur gd.

y does legally matter?

[They both new she drank. ~~Definitely more than she should.~~]

ug fine but i want GUD takeout its my bday.

1) bars 2) u can buy me booze when i don't wanna go down to the store.

i cn gt in2 bars.

n i cn get ahold of booze. have more faith.

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