victory_road | 001 ♟ audio/video

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[There's no video for this broadcast, just audio. Well. There's background noise, anyway, for a few seconds. Then someone awkwardly clears his throat.]

Um, is this... working? [Huh, funny. Isn't that voice familiar? The tone's a little off, but the sound of it's definitely the same as that Jack guy, right?] How... How do I know if it's...

Oh! Wait, the light's on, that probably means people are listening and... hearing me talk to myself... like an idiot. Great. Cool.

[...He quickly clears his throat. Right, yeah, let's not keep talking to himself like a moron, that's no way to make a first impression.]

I mean. Hello there, youuuuu, ah, lovely... people. Oh god, that was terrible. This is... Jack. Handsome Jack. That's... me. In the flesh. I mean, not that you can see that, but--

Just. Just got a quick question. I... These Pokémon things, they're supposed to be like... animals, right? Um. I'm just gonna turn on the video for this, one sec... [And then the video feed clicks on, showing off one very excited Ditto, smiling right at the camera.] So... Seriously, what the hell is up with this thing? This is just... I don't even know. Someone used some jello for a science class and something went wrong or whatever? It's kinda freaking me out a little...

[The Ditto doesn't seem bothered being talked about like this, still looking as happy as can be.]

I... don't really know what to do with it. Do I like... feed it? Does it eat? It doesn't look like it eats, but... don't wanna kill it by mistake.

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Oh... her. Right.

Probably shouldn't be surprised, but... I dunno, guess I just didn't think she'd still be a problem for so long.

[It's weird how easy it is to just talk about Lilith like she's the bad guy and about Jack and everyone around him like they're on the good side. Like he's slipping right back into how it was before he knew what Jack was like. Which is why he decides not to even comment on that part about being too 'soft'.

Ugh, damn, there's that sick feeling again whenever he thinks too much about everything that's happened. Great.]

Oh, yeah, that would make for a pretty easy good reputation, huh? Cute dogs just have this... super trustworthy vibe about them. That's... clever.

You can't begin to imagine the problem she turns out to be. The problem they all turn out to be. You try and be nice. You try and let things go. You try and focus on the bigger picture. And look what happens! I'm not making that mistake again.

[Nope. next chance, they're all dead. All of them.]

Not that I need it, everybody here pretty much loves me anyway, but....eh. I still don't quite get what I did to piss Athena off so much, but she's spewing a bunch of bullshit and threatening to beat me up in the street. So that's...that's a thing.

I dunno, hell, maybe you can get her to calm her tits some. She's really starting to annoy me.

Yeah... I'm sure you won't, sir...

[Yeah, this can't be good. Note to self, if Lilith shows up, go as far away as possible.]

Oh. Uh.

[Yeah, wonder what Athena's pissed about. He can't possibly imagine. Nope. Not him.]

I-I don't know, she's pretty stubborn, I doubt she'd listen to me? Uh. But I'm- I'm sure she doesn't actually mean that. Probably.

[Oh no, he's 100% sure she does.]

I'd like to think she doesn't, but we both know that she does. She's...kind of gone nuts, I guess? Did you know Lilith tried to up and murder her? And she's still pissed at me? How does that even work?

God, it friggin sucks when a friend turns on you! I am getting so sick of this bullshit!

Ugh, anyway...I'm in Goldenrod, get here quickly.

For the love of a possible magic space llama and...you know...me, get here quickly.

I... I'm sure there's a good explanation for it? Or, I... I just mean, y'know, Athena never really seemed like the crazy type to me... at least...

But uh... Yeah. Yeah, that's pretty terrible.

[Yup, betrayals sure are the worst. It's such a good thing Jack's speaking to the most loyal employee here who would never ever consider turning against him... Ha ha... ha...]

Um. Goldenrod. Right. So is there a fast travel network here or...?

Not really, her only explanation seems to be I'm apparently evil and deserve it? Again. Not the one who tried murder her. I paid her! And thanked her! Hell I offered to pay her to leave me alone, that seemed like a win-win for us both since she said all that mattered was the money...or something like that. Hell, and now you're here...if she'd just calm the frick down, it could be like old times!

Uh....yes and no. You gotta unlock your destinations by visiting'em first. I can pick you up, but I gotta grab somebody to port me. Kind of annoying.

Oh. [...Well, she's not wrong, he's pretty evil.] Uh, she said that? The money thing? Doesn't really sound like her.

[Old times. Yeah right.]

Ah, I mean... You don't have to go out of your way or anything, I can just walk. Can't take too long... [He's hoping it takes a really long ass time.] This thing probably comes with a map or something, I assume, so... I can figure it out.

Edited 2016-08-08 15:08 (UTC)

She was pretty clear about our old adventure being about the money. Which...she didn't actually take if I'm remembering correctly. Not that time. The next time she took the money!

Mmm, I've been hearing that a lot, and yet....

But you're not some asshole I've never met before. You're my other self! And you know me. You're not gonna screw around with me. You know better.

Do you need any money? You don't start out with much.

Yeah, that's what I mean, she didn't actually take it back then... I mean, the job after that was kind of an exception...

Right. Yes, wouldn't dream of it, sir. And uh... still under contract and all that, anyway! Wouldn't go against that.

[Oh boy, does he know better...]

Uh. I mean... I guess that couldn't hurt, no? [...Hey, look, he might despise Jack, but he'll still take his money. Because fuck it, he might as well. Oh god, please pay him.] Hadn't even really thought about that yet.

But you see how messed up that is, right? Sure, she'll work with me, she'll take my money if she needs it, but dump us on a planet where I can't even defend myself and suddenly it's all 'oooh, I'm coming for you!'. When we haven't talked in years? Double-u Tee Eff?

Damn right you are. But...I mean...it's not like that matters. We're buddies! You'd have my back anyway, right?

Nah, doesn't hurt at all! I'll send you a Handsome Cat, too, they poop money. All my employees have one. Oh! I'll send you Jackpot! How perfect is that?

I mean... It does seem like it'd have been better for her to just... try talking things out. Guess that's not exactly her style, but... still.

[Not like Tim expects Athena to actually avoid confrontation in that way, but it sure would've made his life easier...]

Well. [Ahahahaha, fuuuuuuck.] Yeah. Yeah, of course. Definitely.

[Oh god please never bring up that he said that.]

A... Sorry, um, a what now? Jeez, getting the feeling I'll be saying that a lot here...

I told her, first day she showed up, I don't have any problem with her. I had nothing against her! Hell, I liked her. She's a badass and she does what needs to be done, I respect the hell out of that! Now? Now she's pissing me off.

Yeah. Yeah, that's what I thought. Eh, this place...it can mess with your head sometimes.

A Handsome Cat! Hold on...[CJack takes the puppy out of his lap and gets up, exiting the video feed for a minute. The view of a nicely decorated living room is offered. In a moment, Jack comes back into view holding a Meowth. Said Meowth is wearing a yellow collar that bears a gold disc inscribed with a single 'H'.] One of these guys! This one's named Jackpot!

How long has she been here? Maybe she, um... needs some time to cool down? I don't know.

Oh. W-Well, no need to worry about anything here, at least...

[...Okay, for once, Tim is screaming internally for a totally different reason. That cat... Holy shit.]

Oh my god... Ohhh god. [Tim needs to put his hand over his mouth for a moment, because a very undignified sound almost gets out and honestly who can blame him because oh gosh look at the kitty.] That... is super cute.

Heh, was almost expecting 'em to be all bright yellow or something.

Yeah, 'cause Athena sure is known for cooling off and calming down when she's got a grudge....

[Jack doesn't acknowledge the other man's repeated affirmation, but he notes it. Good. Good. Yeah, of course this guy's okay. Why wouldn't he be? He's just all jumpy, that's all. He needs to settle this Rhys problem. But other-Jack isn't Rhys.]

....so you like cute shit, huh? Yeah, I'm putting you in charge of graphics. I get the feeling this kind of stuff is right up your alley.

[Jack reaches off camera and shuffles through some cards. He shows one to his doppleganger. It's yellow. There's a mewoth in a bow hugging another meowth in a tophat. The caption reads 'You're Pawesome'.]

Nah, Pikachu are yellow. I gotta get one of those, too. They're ridiculously popular for graphics and stuff.

...Okay, point. Can't... really argue with that one.

[And not for a lack of trying to come up with a good counterargument.]

Uh... hah, yeah, I guess I do? Always kinda had a soft spot for cute animals. Cats especially. Aw, geez, that one's cute too... Cheesy, but cute.

[Graphics... Well. At least he doesn't have to shoot anyone? So he can't really complain.]

Huh... Guess there must be a buncha these things that already have like... I dunno, fanbases, I guess. Probably helps if they actually look like animals and not uh... [He glances down and off screen at his own little pet blob.] ...well, kinda freaky.

Yeah, I guess if I had to say, I'm a cat guy. Usually. I got a personal one of these, he's the friggin' worst. I mean, I call the damn thing 'Cattrap' for a reason.

Don't complain about that thing. You wanna see something awful to start out with? Hang on. I kicked it outside again but it always gets back in. Somehow... [Jack trails off, eyes clearly searching for something.]

AHA! [He swings the gear to show a very disgruntled looking Trubbish oozing along his floor.]

He's seriously that bad? Because putting anything on Claptrap-level bad just seems... harsh.

[Sorry, Claptrap. Except... not.]

Wh-- [Oh, that's... that's trash. That's just literally trash, okay, what the hell.] Yikes. That's uh... I mean, it sure is... something.

They seriously gave you that... thing?

So one of the awesome things about these Pokemon, beyond crapping money, is that they're supposed to collect money. They grab shiny and valuable things. Except this one. This one? Loses his shit for candy wrappers and tinfoil. I try and throw it out, right, cause it's garbage? No. Friggin thing gets it out of the trash!

They seriously gave me that thing. I've been trying to get rid of it for months.

[The Trubbish lifts one dripping arm, points to its eyes, and then points to Jack.]

Yeah, it...it does that a lot. Sometimes it watches me sleep. It's got some secret way into the house. I dunno. I'd drown it if I could.

I guess he just doesn't really get the difference? I mean, it is just a cat.

[Man, that Trubbish is super weird though. Getting rid of it seems extreme, but... still. Weird.]

Wow, that thing uh... seriously doesn't like you, does it? But, uh... yeah, okay, definitely more relieved about mine now. At least it doesn't look like that thing.

[He glances back down at his Ditto, who is... actually also watching the screen. Pretty closely, too. Then its smile widens like it suddenly has a brilliant idea... and begins glowing. And changing.

Changing right into a mirror image of that Trubbish.

Tim just... stares. Because well. That sure just happened.]

...

What.

[Yeah, no one actually told him what Dittos do best yet.]

It should damn well know the difference! The other ones know the difference! I spent hours teaching them!

And no, no it does not like me. And I don't like it. I wish it would just....

Holy snizzballs.

The fuck?

[It's not often that Handsome Jack drops a full on F-bomb, but there are situations that require it. This is one of them.]

[Seriously. The fuck?]

[It's incredible, for once Tim and Jack are in complete agreement.

Because the fuck?!]

What the... I... What?!

[The Ditto... Trubbish... Ditto!Trubbish doesn't seem concerned about this reaction. It's just happy to be included.

Tim's still staring in total shock, trying to process this.]

Uhhh... So... That's weird! I mean, everything here's weird, but that's... That's weird, right?

What the fuuuuuck.

I...I dunno. I have no freaking clue. That's...

[Jack exhales and shakes his head. He's got nothing. He knows he shouldn't be surprised at this point, but for crissakes... and now there's two terrible trash creatures!]

[Kinda fits, though. His doppleganger gets a Pokemon that...alters itself to look like his Pokemon.]

No, no, you're right. That is weird. Even for these things. I mean...money crapping cats and fire breathing dogs is one thing. How the frig is it doing that?

[And how can it be replicated?]

[Yeah, the fact that this is honestly very fitting hasn't escaped Tim, though for now he's too focused on just the weirdness of all of this to think about it too much.]

I have no idea. No one said it could do this! I feel like someone should've mentioned that, maybe!

[...Wait.]

I... I mean, someone said that apparently a big thing about these things is that they can breed with any other Pokémon, but... Shit, I guess now I see why.

[And just like that, the Ditto glows brightly again and shifts back into its natural form. Just being its own goopy self again.]

...Goddamn. Okay.

Okay, that's a thing.

That...that sure is something. Wow. You...uh...you got a real winner there, pumpkin!

[The weirdness knows no bounds. No friggin bounds at all.]

Have fun with your happy hermaphrodite blob, I guess.

Ugh... Yeah. Yep. I sure do. Jeez.

Whatever decides who gets what creature sure has an interesting sense of humor...

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