victory_road

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Yeah, so...hey kiddos.

Quick question....

[It...sounds like Jack is at the beach? The sounds of the ocean are clear in the background. Jack also sounds a little out of breath. What the hell has he been doing?]

Fish Pokemon. Are any of them worth it? I only ask 'cause one of my Meowth just threw a monumentally stupid looking fish at me that isn't the other monumentally stupid looking fish I have.

And I mean it looks like the fish itself is stupid, the expression on its face is the kind you usually only see on heavily drugged old people. Or maybe it's blind, I dunno, it's got weird eyes with blobby blue pupils. It looks like something an apathetic designer at a bath toy company came up with. Here.

[Jack posts a photo of a Wishiwashi being held up for the 'gear camera.]

Anyway...keep it, throw it back, eat it...? What's the right move here.

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Doesn't even look big enough to be dinner.

[Pretty pitiful-looking Pokemon, that one]

Well I've got Meowth, cats eat fish....

I mean he didn't wanna eat this one....

If an animal doesn't want to eat something then it must be bad somehow. Maybe it's toxic.

[Possibly?]

...is everything from the ocean here full of poison? Cause that keeps happening to me.

Poison types are pretty good as long as you don't get stung. You could get something worth it from the toxic mess that's the ocean.

[As if you know what's in there, Britt]

Yeah, you don't have to tell me about that. I got a ton of poison types.

...I don't wanna see the planet you come from if you consider the ocean here to be a toxic mess.

I think a general rule of thumb is to not even bother trying to eat any of the pokemon.

I mean come on...how are you even gonna cook it? You can throw literal tornados of fire at these things and they just faint.

Then again I suppose that one's small enough you could swallow it but do you really want that thing swimming around in your guts?

....sweetheart, where the hell do you think meat in this world comes from? Pretty sure we eat Pokemon all the time.

But have you ever seen it?

Have you personally witnessed someone carving up some fish sushi style fresh from the ocean?

Because I think there's something more to it.

Do you...do you think I spend a lot of time in the kitchens of restaurants? No, I don't watch people butcher food.

But Pokemon eat other Pokemon all the time, so what makes you think we aren't doing the same thing?

Look you have a LOT of weird kinks. I just gave up trying to guess how you spend your sober time.

And yeah of course pokemon can kill other pokemon but it still takes a lot more effort then what any of us humans can muster up.

[The exception of course being how Team Rocket was torturing Pokemon to near death.]

I'm just saying how do you cook something that can get hit by a pillar of flame and only have a few singed parts.

[Dipper noticed that photo! And after a bit of research later.]

You should definitely keep that fish. I've got some notes on it actually. It's called the 'demon of the sea' by locals because of the really strong secondary form it gets at a higher level.

Edited 2019-04-10 20:32 (UTC)

[This? This right here? This is why Jack asks before dismissing a Pokemon, no matter how stupid and braindead it looks.]

The...the demon of the sea? Are you friggin serious? That's awesome! What's it turn into?

Look at that, you soulless eyed pizza topping, today is the first day of the rest of your new life!

Yeah, I was looking it up because I saw it mentioned in some legends and it totally lead back to actual pokemon information on the gear and everything.

So it's small but you know how fish form schools to protect themselves in other worlds?

This one actually has a form called School Form. It's from it's ability and it just ...becomes a mass of fish pokemon that work together in the shape of a giant fish. Well a giant fish that sort of resembles a submarine monster. There's some pretty neat pictures out there.

Fish horde mecha sub? Boss!

I mean...it makes absolutely no sense at all, but that's Pokemon, amirite?

It better not be impossible to train, like that other fish thing that turns into something badass.

Yeah. As much as I love mysteries, if you spent time trying to figure out everything strange about this place, you'd go insane.

[And this is coming from Dipper 'I want to dedicate my life to solving mysteries' Pines.]

Hopefully not. That's the one that looks like it's dying constantly, right? Magikarp.

Actually....has anyone found out who names these things?

No, it's impossible, just accept the weirdness and move on.

Yes! Holy shit, yes! It does look like it's constantly dying! I've got one but hell if I've been able to do anything with it.

Kinda figured they just call them what they say. So I guess they name themselves. Which would explain a lot...

The people in this world seem to have. To a kind of creepy level honestly.

[There are so many mysteries how do you not have any of them solved???]

Maybe it's one that doesn't like to fight? ....I mean they have to be able to, otherwise they'd never evolve into the lake monster like form they get later.

Yeah, but who decided to be like, wow this animal says a word. Let's call them all by that? You'd think a few of them would have names made up by people.

Of course they have, it's not weird to them! It's just life, the way they've always lived it and their grandparents and great grandparents and all the way back.

Yeah, it doesn't seem to give a crap about anything. I want the cool dragon it turns into but I can't get the damn thing to get stronger.

I know I've got names for'em that I made up.... for some of'em anyway!

I guess so.

[He still thinks it's weird.]

Do you know anyone else with one of those pokemon? Maybe they could figure out why yours doesn't want to fight and get stronger.

Really, what kind of names did you give them? Like scientific names, descriptive names?

I dunno. I mean, I figure it's cause it's a brain dead fish....

Um.

Descriptive.

Colorfully descriptive.

Too colorful for virgin ears.

I dare you to eat it.

As though I wouldn't? It's a friggin fish, fish are for eating.

Buuut...I think I'm gonna keep this one till it turns into a badass sea demon and then kick your ass with it.

PffffmnahahahahAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!

[Oh, man, it's been a bit since he's laughed that hard. Good one, Jack.]

If you make a proo~oomise you can't take it baaaa~ack~

[Mmmm, there's that good, good, unsettling Psycho croon.]

Edited (icon,,,,) 2019-04-12 02:42 (UTC)

Did I stutter? I'm gonna kick your ass with my fish.

I'm gonna EAT your fish!

And your LUNGS are gonna be DESSERT!!

Because that's the kind of thing a sane and stable person says.

Pffff! Only ONE of us pretends to be normal and it isn't me!!

You couldn't pretend to be normal if your angry, confused life depended on it.

[Oh.

That?

That touched a nerve.]

I had it once but it was ripped away and DROWNED IN SLAG!

HOW COME A STUPID, WORTHLESS PSYCHO IS WORTH A BILLION DOLLARS TO YOU, VAULT FACE??

Sucks to be you, I guess.

Please, a billion dollars back home is pocket change to me. You're worth pocket change, champ. If that.

[...Weirdly, that seems to cheer Krieg up?]

You're DEAD back home and aaaaaaaaaall your pocket change belongs to someone else!

[Oh, that's why. We're doing this again, I guess.]

I can't WAIT to scrape off your face again!

Rumors, exaggerated, etcetera etcetera. You tell yourself whatever you have to to feel better.

And here? Here you're worth nothing to me.

MnnahahahahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

But I can still piss you off!!

[And boy oh boy, that's worth a lot to Krieg.]

Try not to choke on your poverty before I can crush your windpipe, Vault Face!!

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WE SURE HAVE!

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