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It would seem this world delights in embarrassing me!

[With this announcement, Shadowmaru turns the camera on. He's standing in the kitchen of his little cottage in Olivine, looking completely put out. Why is this?]

[Because there's a bug on his head. Not just any bug. But a shiny Venipede. Who waves its antennae menacingly at the camera, squinting. The little bug may not have hands, or a super expressive face, but this is as close to a COME AT ME BRO as a bug can get.]

Is there a reason I am besieged with unflattering animals at every turn? First the plethora of water types, and now this.

What even is this?

[Behind him, his Frogadier gives the most long-suffering sigh. Looking at the screen in a mute plea. Someone please tell Shadowmaru to use his 'gear. Kero has tried.]

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How's my favorite wolf robot ninja cop, outside of being assaulted by unwanted pokemon?

Ah... you remembered.

[He's flattered, even if he doesn't want to say as much.]

I am quite all right. And yourself?

Unhappy that I gotta go through that weight loss shit again so I can fit into what I had the first time around. I had fifteen off and now I'm livin' off one donut a week. Fuck this. [Those two words stretched out, but he's at least caring enough to try and get those fifteen pounds back off again and he's gotten rid of five.]

I also remember I owe you a fruity drink. I can't pick you up a fishbowl, but I could get you a wine cooler and save you from your bug.

Weight loss? Why ever would that be a necessary endeavor?

[This robot has no concept of such things.]

Ah... that... that is true, isn't it? I would be delighted to invite you to my humble abode.

The usual reason. I have too much fuckin' weight. Need to work at getting this spare tire off...

...Spare tire being a euphemism for being fat around the waist. [He drums his stomach with one hand. Yup, that. But since Shadowmaru is an AI, and he's used to Connor's occasional confusions, he chose to explain it.]

Just give me the address, I'll detour by a store, see if I can save your head from the biggest louse I've ever fuckin' seen.

Oh. Why compare it to a piece of automobile? It seems... odd. Shouldn't you have more organic terms?

[It's very strange, to him, so bless you, detective dad.]

Very well. I'll send it along with my thanks.

Oh there are plenty of those, too. We like to have a variety of self-disparaging and insulting metaphors. You know, for when you're pissed at anyone including you.

Alright, alright, I'll be right there. Give me about fifteen minutes.

[Hopefully Shadowmaru won't suffer for that long. But in case he does, he's bringing Connie. He thinks she can get the bug off without any elemental or physical moves.]

And all of them refer to automotive units? How very odd indeed. One would think they would have different metaphors.

[He may have been... taking things very literally.]

Thank you. I will be here.

[Contrary to his statements, he's actually fine with things. The bug isn't that big of a deal, now that he knows it sparkles.]

Well, they're not all... uh... You know what? Nevermind. I'll tell you about more of those some other time. [So he'll just go, or else he'll start up on muffin-tops, and no one wants that.]

[In a surprisingly timely fashion Hank shows up with a six pack cardboard box, but four are beers and two are wine coolers (he's loosely assuming, likely incorrectly, that Shadowmaru is a lightweight).]

[At least the other man's newfound fondness for his uninvited guest might save them from hiding their eyes from a loud flash of dazzling gleam. But it still means that Hank came with a little blue flower poking out of his pocket, Connie secreted away as usual.]

[He knocks when he gets there, taking stock of the place as he approaches.]

[It's a very small little place. But, given the person living there was a literal robot before arriving, that's probably for the best. The windows are open, and there's a Growlithe lying on the porch, legs in the air. She doesn't much move when the man approaches.]

[She clearly s not concerned about him.]

[And... Shadowmaru answers, the door opening in a swirl of sparkles -- care of the Venipede perched on his head still.]

Greetings! Welcome. Do make yourself at home.

[It makes sense that it looks well kept, too. Better than Hank would keep his home if left to his own devices (he was better about it before his depression, then he went downhill). This place is starkly modest compared to Handsome Jack's, but still neat]

[Hank is taken aback by the sparkles, thick brow climbing.]

Alright. Didn't know they could do that.

[He steps inside, having a look around before he sits. This is only the second time he's visited someone else's home since coming here. He looks around, scanning loosely for stuff Shadowmaru seems to especially like]

You don't look too upset with your headgear anymore.

That was before I was informed it glitters.

[He bows a bit, and motions the older man inside. Definitely small, modest. But it's very clean. Shadowmaru's Yamask is hovering at the stove, minding a kettle. Everything smells of salt and ocean air.]

[Which is weird, considering how up in arms Shadowmaru had been over water pokemon.]

If I had known what it was capable of, I would have been less irate.

Well, obviously you have to keep it around. [Shadowmaru is officially the most flaming robot he knows, and he lives with Connor. Amazing how a bit of gleam can cheer up his whole day.]

[Luckily Hank is used to Yamasks after the wailing one he had pretty early on. In its evolved form he still carries the Snorlax plush he'd gotten to calm him down. He can't even find them remotely creepy after all that.]

[The ocean thing is strange, considering all of his aversions, but he decides to not ask that at the moment.]

Well, if you decide you want the extra help getting it off. [He pulls out the Floette, letting her hover with her flower over the palm of his hand.] This is Connie, and she can help. Looks like it might eventually get bored and come down on its own, though.

Indeed. It is fated we met. I was merely too blind to see until now.

[He's definitely... something, huh? And he is also sweeping into the little house himself, settling primly down at the tiny table. Perching in it, rather.]

Ah... what a pleasure. [He extends a hand to the Floette, in greeting. The bug, however, hunkers down on his head even more, somehow managing to radiate angry sparkles.] I cannot thank you enough for rushing to my aid, regardless of the outcome.

Yeah. I guess that's how me meeting my boyfriend went down, too. [He jokes offhandedly (boyfriend is such a weird fuckin' word to use at his age, he needs a better one), letting Connie float over to Shadowmaru's hand. 'Letting' being a strong word, as she happily goes over to the pretty man who likes sparkles, floating on her umbrella with all the grace of a Disney nanny.]

[He gets a happy 'Flo!' of greeting.]

Don't mention it. Hey, I brought you somethin'. Finally, cause I owed you. [He holds out the bottle of chilled, brightly colored wine cooler.]

[Shadowmaru blinks, tilting his head slightly to one side.]

Boyfriend? [Asked with the sort of tone a much younger individual than Shadowmaru appears to be may have. Pure curiosity.]

[But his attention is quickly drawn back to the little flower pokemon. He offers her a fingertip, in lieu of a handshake.] Hm? Did you?

[He breaks into a grin, however, when he identifies the bottle. Something a little roguish.] Ah -- so you did. My deepest thanks for the potential debauchery.

Yeah, uh... The guy that used to be my partner back home.

[He sounds a little shy about it. Mostly in the way he also gestures his way through it and doesn't swear. He bumbles on occasion over things like that.]

Don't worry those aren't too bad.

[Connie shakes the finger with a happy little 'Flo!', blinking her eyes with big fluttery eyelashes.]

Ahhh, I see. I see. [And curiosity turns right to warmth. The smile slightly tinged with something sad. It would be easier to hide on his original face -- the robotic one.] Then congratulations are in order.

Had I known in advance, I would have prepared better.

[But, contrary to his statement, his Yamask drifts over, and plunks down a plate of ... bagels? Where the heck did it get those. No matter. It's trying.]

-- it seems we have a helping hand!

Well it was uh... It was actually months ago that we got together.

[He shrugs. It's still a jumble in his mind. He's pretty sure it won't be happening back home. That he's going to go do his thing, and Connor will do Connor's.]

[He picks up one of the bagels in confusion, effectively distracted from the thought.]

If he ever evolves you'll have four helping hands.

Ah, still. Congratulations. That's always an instance to be happy, isn't it?

[He'll be happy for this man whether he likes it or not. So there.]

Oh? You've experienced it, then?

Yeah, I guess so. Last time I hooked up it was a good thirteen or fourteen years ago.

[It's been... a while. Hell, Hank isn't exactly the type of guy that gets around.]

Yeah, ours [He says 'ours' but it's Connor's] still carries around its toys we gave it when it was a Yamask. Its favorite is a plush Snorlax.

[Pause.]

Hooked... up?

[Well, that's not a familiar phrase. Whoops.]

How charming. I will certainly look forward to that day, should it ever come.

[Well at least he's not bringing up the 'jerk off' conversation of awkwardness. Here comes Hank, the bastion of all sorts of colloquial phrases people should and should not know.]

It means to meet, pretty much. In this case, romantically. I met my wife when I was forty. Ended up not going well. Sometimes you sign on for forever, and forever doesn't happen. [He raises his beer.] And thank fucking god for that.

[Because some losses are for everyone's own best interest.]

I'm sure it will. All it takes is some outdoor time. Let it fight on its own here and there if it wants to. And you'll have a stylish Egyptian coffin in your house.

Ahh... I see. You must pardon me. Slang is, unfortunately not something my programming is terribly familiar with.

[A wave of his hand, in a sort of apologetic, conceding gesture. A wave that turns into him selecting a bottle of his own, curiously.]

Mm. I admit, I am not the best in such an arena. I have yet to participate in any such fights.

[He's also in the middle of trying to remember if it might be one that needed a stone to evolve or one that you needed to trade, because he's not great at this himself, and is pulling out his pokegear when Shadowmaru says he's not fought them.]

[He holds it thoughtfully.]

Actually, I'm kind of glad you're a pretty chill guy. No need to pressure yourself.

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