[ text / action for new bark town ] (cw: blood, probably talk of death/violence)

[jurisimprudence]

A. text

TWO TH1NGS

F1RST
JOHN 3GB3RT
1F YOU'R3 H3R3, W3 N33D TO T4LK

S3COND
W1LL TH1S WORK TO G3T BLOOD OUT OF CLOTH1NG OR W1LL 1 N33D TO G3T 4 D1FF3R3NT PRODUCT FROM TH3 N3XT TOWN?

[Here she's attached a photo of the standard bottle of liquid soap that comes with the backpack.]

B. action

[If anyone's on the lookout for newbies, Terezi can be spotted sitting by a flowerbed next to "Mom's" house. She doesn't look any less human than anyone else here, at least at first. Though her ears have a bit of a point, they're hidden by her black hair, and the sharpness of her teeth is concealed by her pursed lips as she taps away at her Pokégear. No, if there's anything to raise concern, it's the fact that she looks like she's had a bad accident with some paint, or perhaps smashed a box worth of Grape-Berry Double Homicide Gushers against herself. Teal and purple mar her shirt and even stick to her face and arms in places.]

[It doesn't really smell like paint, or the corn syrup-laden fruit approximant of candy, either. It's dry by now, but one might recognize the smell of blood.]

[Her starter isn't far: a Gible wanders about the flowerbed proper, occasionally casting a concerned glance back at her new trainer in between devouring whatever blooms might remain at this time of year. She'll settle for withered stems, too; she ain't picky.]

Comments

[uber_marionettist]

No, John. As much as I do enjoy them, this is not a game. This is me being aware of you, and the fact that it doesn't matter whether I ask her privately, publicly, or we turn this into an irritating and argumentative menage a trois.

If she realises I have a fucking point and says even two words to you, you'll know that I put her up to it because out of the four of us (hello, Jane) no one else knows what any of this is about except for me.

So, to that end, the point of asking Terezi to talk to you is actually that you and Terezi have spoken more than five sentences to each other over the course of canonical history, because yes, I do think my role as messenger has been part of the problem.

[jurisimprudence]

[These two get their messages in at least in part because Terezi is just having a moment off in New Bark Town. Vriska. She gets to meet Vriska. She wishes not for the first time and certainly not the last that her nose could perceive things better, that she could smell the truth or falsehood off his words.]

[But... honesty or lie, the dream bubbles would still have the chance for her to meet her again, to meet all her dead friends after everything else. And this place, this world—what does it have for her besides an admittedly endearing dragon?]

C4N YOU TWO T4K3 YOUR DUMB BOY 4RGUM3NT SOM3WH3R3 3LS3!
Y3S W3 4GR33 3V3RYON3 C4N S33 3V3RYON3 3LS3'S M3SS4G3S WH3TH3R TH3Y W4NT TO S33 4NYTH1NG OR NOT
1T 1S 4LMOST 4S DUMB 4S TROLL14N M3MOS
JOHN 1 4GR33 W1TH YOU TH4T D1RK 1S K1ND OF 4 J4CK4SS BUT YOU ST1LL N33D TO GO B4CK 4ND T3LL M3 WHY YOU W3R3 DUMB 3NOUGH TO TH1NK TH1S W4S TH3 4FT3RL1F3
4ND D1RK C4N YOU L4Y OFF TH3 S3LF 1MPORT4NT HOOOFB34ST SH1T FOR LONG 3NOUGH TO 4CTU4LLY 3XPL41N WH4T YOU M34N B3TT3R?
YOU 4R3 DO1NG 4 GOOD JOB OF SOUND1NG L1K3 YOU H4V3 4 H1GH OP1N1ON OF YOURS3LF BUT NOT MUCH 3LS3 >:|
WH4T DO3S C4NON D3C4Y1NG M34N?
4ND WH4T DO YOU M34N 4BOV3 4BOUT TH3 N4RR4T1V3?
STR41GHT 4NSW3RS ONLY!

[uber_marionettist]

I just said I was getting to that part. The first pass was me keeping my story short so I could get to the point before you blocked me.

Theoretically, if John hadn't butted in before he'd been invited, I could have expanded on those topics already.

But it's fine. I'm not upset. It's just that your time isn't the only thing being wasted here.

Now, onto those answers I promised.

Obviously, the narrative and the decay of canon are connected topics. Canon, as I assume you know, is the metafictional framework John is tampering with when he alters events without the constraints of timelines or continuity.

If 'canon' is the bounding container of what we consider to be the prime form of reality, the narrative is canon's mechanical interior.

And if canon is the bounding form by which reality is held up, what do you think happens to us and everything in it when it begins to depreciate?

Anyone?

John, I know Rose explained this to you. This would be an excellent time to demonstrate that you'd been paying attention.

[cyan_maid]

[Oh crimeny.]

Dirk, I really don't mean to pry, honestly I don't, but considering how heated the conversation is becoming, perhaps...maybe you should leave your "what's real and what's not" conversations for a different time?
Terezi did just arrive here after what I assume is some rough stuff, after all!
And considering how serious you take this, it might be a bit much for someone to absorb right now? Perhaps?
Also she asked you for straightforward answers and you are giving her questions in response to her questions!

[jurisimprudence]

>:T
NOW 1 S33 WH3R3 ROS3 G3TS 1T FROM
N31TH3R OF YOU S4Y 4NYTH1NG TH3 SHORT W4Y DO YOU
BUT M1SS T33N N4NN4 J4N3!
1 H4V3 H4D 4 SH1TTY SH1TTY D4Y, 1T 1S TRU3
BUT 1 C4N H4NDL3 TH1S
THOUGH YOU 4R3 R1GHT TO DOCK H1M FOR NOT B31NG STR41GHTFORW4RD >:]
D1RK, YOU C4N CUT TH3 COND3SC3ND1NG TROLL SOCR4T1C M3THOD R1GHT TH3R3
OBV1OUSLY YOU 4R3 S4Y1NG TH3 UND3RP1NN1NGS OF R34L1TY 4R3 UNR4V3L1NG
4ND YOU 4R3 TRY1NG TO PROP UP TH3 M3CH4N1SMS HOLD1NG 1T TOG3TH3R
WH1CH 1S NOT 4 B4D TH1NG TO DO BUT YOU H4V3 R34LLY PUFF3D UP YOUR 3GO 4BOUT TH3 WHOL3 TH1NG!
YOU WOULD NOT 3V3N B3 1N TH3 POS1T1ON TO DO TH4T 1F 1 H4D NOT TOLD JOHN HOW TO F1X TH3 T1M3L1N3 F1RST
4ND 1 COULD NOT H4V3 DON3 TH4T 1F H3 D1DN'T H4V3 H1S R3TCON POW3R
SO B4S1C4LLY
YOU OW3 H1M 4ND M3 4L1K3 >:]
SO WH4T DO YOU W4NT M3 TO T4LK TO JOHN 4BOUT 1F H3 1S 4S N4RR4T1V3LY D34D 4S YOU CL41M

[cyan_maid]

Are you sure? It...it all sounds really complicated and I can see why some certain fellows might be depressed at some of the wording going around here.

[Please stop calling John "narratively dead" that. That sounds so depressing and mean??]

[cyclonely]

it's ok, jane, i know i'm dead!
uh, though i guess there is an extra venom element to it i didn't know about but all that does is make me more confused. i have the same question as terezi!
if i am two different kinds of dead, how could i possibly still be relevant to canon? i have already offered to help dirk with his least illegal plans to get out of here, that should be enough!
dirk accuses me all the time of trying to play the dead card but if everything rose and he have said about the narrative is true, he still hasn't explained how a dead guy is supposed to do anything. are you asking terezi so that maybe she can seer of mind her alternate self a message to send you my corpse to use in some wacky weekend at bernie's shenanigans? does that not work unless i am spending all my time here being a Protagonist?
sorry about all this, jane and terezi, i am just tired of this same dumb argument. hope you're bringing something new to the table, dude!

[cyan_maid]

John, even if being dead is the truth of things, that doesn't mean you can let someone tell you that you don't mean anything...
And I'm going to be honest, I have no idea about any illegal plans or anything akin to Weekend at Bernie's going on, but I would hope the me from where you came from would like to know what's happened in order to, you know, uh, do the Lifey Thing? Or if I can't do that, then at least put you to rest?
This is an incredibly upsetting discussion, geez.

[uber_marionettist]

Here I was about to say this isn't getting any kind of heated, but I've just been proven wrong, so how about let's stop arguing over how dead John is or isn't and instead shut up and listen to me, the one person in the room who actually knows what's going on?

[jurisimprudence]

UUUUUUUGGGGGHHHHHHH
J4N3 1 UND3RST4ND YOU 4R3 CONC3RN3D
4ND 1 C4NNOT S4Y JOHN 1S UN1NVOLV3D FOR OBV1OUS R34SONS
BUT C4N YOU BOTH M4YB3 B4CK OUT OF MY THR34D SO 1 C4N T4LK TO D1RK 4BOUT TH3 R3ST OF TH1S 4ND G3T 4 PROP3R 4NSW3R?
1 4M MOR3 TH4N C4P4BL3 3NOUGH OF D3C1D1NG WH3TH3R 1 W4NT TO H4V3 TH1S CONV3RS4T1ON R1GHT NOW
4LL MY FR13NDS 4R3 D34D!
T4LK1NG 4BOUT TH1S 1S NOT GO1NG TO M4K3 MY D4Y 4NY WORS3 TH4N 1T 4LR34DY H4S B33N
1F YOU N33D TO T4LK TO D1RK YOURS3LV3S TH3N 1 4M SUR3 YOU BOTH H4V3 OTH3R W4YS TO M3SS4G3 H1M
BUT R1GHT NOW 1 JUST W4NT TO KNOW WH4T'S GO1NG ON

CW nsfw statements about Michelangelo's David

[uber_marionettist]

For fucks' sake. We're not in canon. The narrative isn't

Well, it's not. It's just not. Whatever happens in this place is sealed off tighter than David's unsculpted asshole, his unassailable sphincter hidden for all eternity between two furiosuly clenched marble glutes.

So he's not dead and he's the only continuity-adherent part of canon that I've got besides me.

But we're only ever going to be able to affect this world from within its rule structure. Dunkass.

[cyclonely]

pronce of my stupid dick.

[jurisimprudence]

[Over on her side of things, Terezi just lets out an exasperated sigh.]

OK
1F 4LL YOU 4R3 GO1NG TO DO 1S T4LK 4BOUT 4SSHOL3S 4ND D1CKS 4ND 4RGU3 SOM3 MOR3, TH3N 1 4M 3X1T1NG TH3 CONV3RS4T1ON
CL34RLY NOTH1NG 1MPORT4NT 1S GO1NG TO G3T DON3 H3R3

[uber_marionettist]

No, goddamnit, listen to me.

I'm telling you that John needs to actually try, and he needs to achieve the objectives of this game.

[jurisimprudence]

WH4T
4R3 YOU R34LLY T3LL1NG M3
TH4T YOU W4NT M3 TO T3LL JOHN TO B3COM3 GOOD 4T POK3MON???

[uber_marionettist]

.....

Well, it sounds fucking stupid when you put it that way.

But.

Ugh.

Yeah, that's basically what I'm asking here.

[jurisimprudence]

.......................................
WHY?

[uber_marionettist]

I thought I just explained that?

[jurisimprudence]

NOT W3LL 3NOUGH
L1K3 OK C4NON 1S D3C4Y1NG 4ND YOU W4NT TO UPHOLD TH3 N4RR4T1V3 SO 1T C4N SURV1V3 B3TT3R OR WH4T3V3R
4ND YOU S4Y JOHN 1S TH3 ONLY ON3 W1TH 4 SOL1D L1NK TO TH3 4LPH4 C4NON T1M3L1N3
BUT TH4T DO3S NOT T3LL M3 WH4T B31NG GOOD 4T POK3MON H4S TO DO W1TH F1X1NG OUR WORLD
DO P3OPL3 G3T 4 M4G1C T1CK3T B4CK HOM3 ONC3 TH3Y G41N 4LL TH3 L3V3LS 4ND B4DG3S?
OR 1S TH1S 3X4CTLY 4S DUMB 4S 1T SOUND3D TH3 F1RST T1M3?

cw: r slur

[uber_marionettist]

For fuck's sake. Okay, here. How's this.

Collecting all the badges grants you access to the Elite Four, and defeating the Elite Four grants you membership in the extremely small, "elite" collection of players called the Aurora League.

And if you need to ask why that matters, which you probably will despite objectively not "needing" any of this yourself... but sure, let me present an entire deposition on the topic. Why not.

Some months ago, there was an event. Several events, actually, featuring a number of 'wormholes' that manifested along with more Pokemon called 'Ultra Beasts,' supposedly from another dimension or some crap.

At the climax, a single, extremely powerful demon of an Ultra Beast came through a wormhole that was opened in a sealed-off cave, supposedly to do something terrible to reality. The cavern in question was accessible only to members of the Aurora League. That part was supposed to be a secret known only to them, but I found out about it.... ugh, through means I'm not sharing on a public connection because I'm not fucking retarded.

Anyway, I attempted to crash that party, but it didn't work. They put it back through the portal to its home whatever, and that was... the end.

So far, anyway.

I've done my due fucking diligence and forced the League to acknowledge my mastery of the basic game mechanics and let me into their little club, but I'd find it extremely helpful if John gave even a single solitary shit about doing absolutely anything at all besides sitting on his sadsack ass or jockeying a cash register.

[jurisimprudence]

OH NOOO D1RK 1'M SOOO SORRY
1T MUST B3 SUCH 4 HUG3 1NCONV3N13NC3 TO YOU TO 3XPL41N YOUR PL4NS TO SOM3ON3 WHO YOU 4R3 4SK1NG TO H3LP W1TH TH3M!
>:[ >:[ >:[ >:'[
LOOK 1 4M SO F1LL3D W1TH R3GR3T TO H4V3 M4D3 YOU W4ST3 YOUR PR3C1OUS T1M3
YOU DO R34L1Z3 YOU COULD H4V3 S41D TH1S 4LL 4 LOT SOON3R 4ND S4V3D US 4LL 4 H34D4CH3, R1GHT?
4NYW4Y
1F JOHN W4NTS TO L1V3 H1S L1F3 L1K3 TH1S TH3N TH4T 1S NOT MY PROBL3M
4ND 4S YOU S41D H3'S 4LR34DY D34D 1N C4NON
SO HOW 4BOUT YOU L3T H1M B3!
1F YOU W4NT TO F1X C4NON TH3N 1T W1LL H4V3 TO B3 UP TO TH3 P3OPL3 WHO SURV1V3 1T

[uber_marionettist]

So, me. Got it. Thanks. Good to know I really could have saved myself the time it took to explain that.

Whatever. If you're not interested, then you're not interested.

I can't even imagine being the kind of individual who could just turn and walk away if a completely credible and reliable source approached me about a very simple and potentially reality-saving measure that I could personally aid, but hey. I'm not you.

And if you change your mind, I might even still be here.

[jurisimprudence]

D1RK
1 4M GO1NG TO S4Y TH1S ONC3 4ND ONLY ONC3
YOU 4R3 F4R TOO L4T3 1F YOU TH1NK 1 W1LL L3T MYS3LF B3 L3D 4ROUND BY TH3 SN1FFNOD3 BY SOM3ON3 WHO TH1NKS H3 KNOWS B3TT3R TH4N M3
1 W1LL GR4NT YOU KNOW *MOR3* TH4N M3 4BOUT C3RT41N TH1NGS
1MPORT4NT TH1NGS!
BUT KNOW1NG MOR3 4ND KNOW1NG B3TT3R 4R3 TWO V3RY D1FF3R3NT SUBJ3CTS
YOU'V3 4LR34DY TOLD M3 SOM3 V3RY 1MPORT4NT CLU3S FOR WH4T 1 W4NT
TH3 R3ST 1S TR4NSP4R3NT POSTUR1NG
1 WOULD W1SH YOU GOOD LUCK W1TH YOUR V3NTUR3 BUT SUR3LY YOU MUST 4LSO KNOW TH4T LUCK N3V3R M4TT3R3D

[uber_marionettist]

You're right; luck never mattered.

Otherwise, I disagree strenuously. I can't make you do anything you don't want to, Terezi. That's never been in my power to do.

But I'll be here when you decide you need me. Just know that the only leading I'm doing is to the conclusions you would inevitably make yourself. I'm your side.

[cyan_maid]

Dirk, you are so lucky I am exhausted from being on the road for so long or I would be incredibly mad at you right now.
Please acknowledge that there is more going on at the moment than just your desire to explain your multi-Dirk smart boy situation?