victory_road | [closed] February Catch All

[Dimitri often has to wake up early, for the job he's taken here at the inn they're staying at. Maintenance is a work that requires a lot of time spent to it, making sure that things are operating smoothly and attending to problems that arise immediately. This is especially true with the apprentice-like role Dimitri has taken as he's gone from inn to inn, with the exception of when he's stayed at Kazuki's or Jane's.]

[He's trying to stay focused on that when he shuffles out of his room one day, Agnes the Kanghaskhan at his side and patiently keeping him on his feet. While sleep itself is something he can manage fine thanks to Kent, well, getting there is... difficult, at times.]

[Difficult when the stress wants to keep him sick and awake.]

[And he's not entirely sure he is awake when he steps into the common area, and, there... There sits a familiar redhead.]

[He freezes in his tracks, staring with wide eyes.]

...Sylvain...?

[Sylvain's head lifts, coaxed out by the croon from a familiar voice. He stares ahead at Dimitri, the boar turned prince turned King. Nothing anyone had said had prepared him for meeting Dimitri again back home. Not that he remembered anything anyone ever said.

This Dimitri is... different. He's not the boar, but he's also not the man who had been freed from the shackles of grief, either. He's somewhere in between. The Sylvain that had lived for six months away from this world struggles to grasp that, while the Sylvain who had watched him grow practically sighs in relief.

In the end, he just sort of blinks. He starts to offer a false smile, but Inda's warm weight reminds him not to. He settles for a nod.]

It's me, Mitya. I'm awake.

[He responds. Quiet, and tired, and - and there.]

[Really there.]

[He steps forward, stumbles, runs over to him, all to sweep Sylvain up in his arms tightly, desperate to never let go again. What stops him is the realization is that Inda is there... but he doesn't let go. Just makes sure not to crush the little Pokemon.]

Oh - Sylvain! Sylvain. [He buries his face against that red hair.] Sylvain.... We missed you so much. We missed you...

[At least this Sylvain can handle. His head spins with memories, his chest aches with grief, and his mouth feels heavy with the things he needs to say. None of those are affected by how he moves his arms. None of those have damaged the depth of his emotions, the ones he's carefully cultivated here. He still loves Dimitri, and he's still happy to show it. Even with one arm steady around Inda, he can hold Dimitri close.]

Yeah, I... Can imagine.

[He won't lie to Dimitri, won't say that he missed him too. But that particular truth sits heavy in his throat, weighing him down like lead and stone. If he's lucky, Dimitri won't ask after it. He won't keep it a secret forever, but he isn't sure he's ready to talk about it yet either.]

I'm sorry I scared you guys.

No - [Dimitri sucks in a breath, sniffles. This is a terrible way to step into work. To greet Sylvain back.] No, none of this is your fault.

Felix - Felix must be so glad to see you again. [He shakes his head, buries it a little more against those brilliant red locks.] Oh, you must see Claude... Claude and Grant. They have missed you so much as well, but - I am rushing ahead.

You must be hungry. Chip made cookies to help wake you up...

Yeah, Felix and I... spent a long time together this morning. [If the Sylvain that had lived here for so many months had had his way, he would have been pounding on their doors at that early hour. But the grief had been too much to fathom. He was doing a pisspoor job of greeting his friends as it was -- it would have been a nightmare to greet them with red-rimmed eyes and tear stained cheeks.

As it is, his eyes are only slightly puffy, and easy enough to hide against Dimitri's shoulder.]

I'm... I want to say I'm not hungry but. How could I say no to Chip's cookies, right? [He laughs. It comes out too high, too breathless, too shaky.]

[Dimitri knows that kind of sound. It's similar to sounds he's made - unsteady and uncertain and...]

[Reaching up, Dimitri starts to gently stroke Sylvain's hair.]

...The cookies will remain if you are not hungry.

Although... You should drink. It has been a long time since you have been up, after all. A sip of water will help... a little bit.

[He knows from experience.]

[The hand in his hair is comforting. From his perspective, he hasn't felt it in at least six months. He leans into it heavily and, despite his efforts to carefully maintain his image, he lets out a shaking sigh as he does.]

Water would be good. [Considering how much he's cried over the past few hours, he has no doubts that he's dehydrated. Especially considering the fact that he'd been asleep for nine days on top of that.]

Do you -- Would you mind getting it?

Of course, Sylvasha. Anything for you.

[It's hard to pull himself away when all he wants to do is hold onto his boyfriend, his lover, but... Sylvain's well being takes priority. Fortunately, Agnes is there with him as she slowly pats his shoulder, and Dimitri convinces himself to pull away.]

[Granted, he pulls away slowly, but... he does it. He traces his fingers along Sylvain's cheek, his jaw, before getting a hold of himself.]

If you start feeling hungry, tell me, and I will get you something light. Appetites can be difficult things.

[Especially after... whatever it is that Sylvain has remembered.]

Thanks, Dima.

[Even these little nicknamse are a reminder. It wasn't until recently that he'd managed to get his friend back. Even then, with the war raging, there was still so much distance between the two of them. They'd never had moments of intimacy like this.

A sinister voice in the back of his head reminds him that, sooner or later, he'll lose them all again. It fills him with a fresh sense of dread, and he's back to burying himself against Inda's leaves. He closes his eyes tight, reminding himself that salt water isn't good for plants, and that if he cries, he'll only be making it difficult on all of them.

He can get himself together in the time Dimitri is away.

Probably.]

[Dimitri, honestly, doesn't want to leave Sylvain alone for too long. He doesn't want to leave him alone at all. It feels as though his friend, his lover, might disappear again the second he takes his eye off of him...]

[It's ridiculous. He knows that. That isn't how this works at all.]

[...That doesn't help the fear around his heart.]

[Agnes being there helps, just a little bit. Her presence helps him just long enough to duck into the kitchens. The chefs are also already up, and sympathetic when he explains what's going on. When he comes back, it's with a glass of cool water and a small packet of saltine crackers. Something plain, fine to nibble on.]

Here. Perhaps this could help. The chefs said they wouldn't mind making you something light later on as well, to help.

[At least that feels a little familiar. He's used to cooks being up and about at nearly every hour, ready to accommodate any chaotic schedule that the army might have kept. Between that and the familiarity of Dimitri overall, he finds his shoulders releasing some of their tension as he reaches for the glass of water.

It shouldn't be so surprising that he downs it so quickly. And after a moment of thought, he even opens up the packet of crackers.]

Thank you, your high-- [His brows pinch. It was almost easy, falling into the speech patterns of a loyal knight.] Mitya. Thank you, Mitya.

[A... strange thing, to hear that title, the start of it, on Sylvain's lips. After everything that's happened...]

[Dimitri puts his hand down along the table where the glass is, unsure of whether he should pick it up and get more just yet.]

It is no trouble at all. I'm... glad to see you eating at all. You should take the day easy, you know.

I know. [Sylvain hadn't planned on anything else. He hadn't even wanted to leave his room, really. But even as part of him wanted to mourn the last few months, the Sylvain that had been here and loved so vividly practically demanded that he come out here.

He wasn't the only one hurting, after all.]

Dima. I... Remembered a lot of things.

[...Ah.]

[One of the things he's been scared about.]

[Dimitri swallows thickly, and stares down at his hand as though he can stop time if he just looks hard enough... But he can't. All he's really doing is the inevitable.]

...If... If what you saw, back there, means you... wish to cease what we are to each other, then I will understand completely, Sylvain.

[The things he did... He will make no excuse for them.]

No, no. [All at once, Sylvain finds himself reaching out. He feels like a child, trying to cling to a parent, a friend, a comfort object. That tether is the only thing that was keeping him from plummeting into what he was certain might have been the flames themselves. He needed Dimitri, just like he needed Claude and Felix and --

Grant. He forces himself to think of Grant. He cares for Grant. He hasn't forgotten Grant.]

It isn't that. I love you. I'll always love you, Mitya. But -- [Now Sylvain looks up at him, his normally honeyed gaze now darkened with memories.]

I did not remember loving you, Dimitri. Or Claude. Or Felix. I did not remember any of this. None of us did.

[On one hand: Sylvain still loves him.]

[On the other hand: this.]

[Dimitri stares at him for a moment, stunned, confused, and he feels... almost like a helpless child again when he responds.]

But... I love you, Sylvain.

I know. [And he'd loved Dimitri, and Felix, and he'd at least thought Claude was cute. But --]

We never said anything. None of us did. I was ready to watch you become King, and then I would go home to Gautier to take my title. It was over.

[Sylvain knows he should say more. He also knows he shouldn't have so casually dropped this information on Dimitri -- that the war had been won. It held far too many implications for their fates, least of all the ones tied to their love for one another.]

I'm sorry.

[But - he loves Sylvain.]

[He loves Sylvain, and Felix does as well, and Claude has been so worried, cares for him so much- ]

[It's hard to say just what he would do if he were on his own. Perhaps say or do something foolish, most likely. But then Agnes puts one heavy clawed hand on his shoulder, and clicks her tongue, and somehow the sound snaps through his frantic and buzzing thoughts.]

[Dimitri takes a deep breath, and digs his fingers into his shirt, over his heart. No.]

I do not accept that.

[Sylvain's gaze flicks toward the Pokemon, then back toward Dimitri. He watches the way his hand clenches down, and distantly his mind thinks to be worried about Dimitri hurting himself. He's reaching out before he's even fully thought about it, threading their fingers together and pulling his hand away from fabric and skin.]

There is nothing to not accept, Mitya.

[Sylvain wished there was, wished there might be some fragment of hope. But after Felix had fallen asleep, the despair had washed back in. Felix would fight a losing battle to keep them both there. One day, they would all be brought back.]

At least we have now, right? [His voice feels so small. It's rare that he lets himself sound as hopeless as he feels.]

Sylvain, must I repeat myself?

[Dimitri's jaw gains a stubborn set to it, and he leans in close, presses their foreheads together while his hand squeezes down on Sylvain.]

I do not accept it.

We have now, and we have a future as well. You said I had just become king, that you were about to return to Gautier. That still leaves decades of our lives left.

I love you.

I will not accept you being miserable.

[Sylvain opens his mouth, then closes it again. He doesn't know how to make Dimitri see sense. The war was over, and Dimitri had far more important things to worry about than his best friend. In any case, he'd only ever started talking about how he felt in that regard here over the last few weeks.

He doesn't see how a man with the responsibilities of an entire nation could possibly save someone else from burdens they wouldn't talk about. And he doesn't have the strength to argue his point.

Between them, Inda has burrowed her way into Sylvain's chest. He knows without having to check that she can't see his face. He doesn't have to feel guilty for her as he flashes a smile at Dimitri. It lacks the warmth it should.]

Okay, Mitya.

[The smile isn't a real one. Dimitri has always sort of recognized them, even if he was not wholly aware of that fact. It makes his heart clench, and Dimitri wraps his arms around Sylvain again.]

...You are not abandoned, Sylvain.

You will never be abandoned.

[Weakly, Sylvain allows his head to fall upon Dimitri's shoulder. Protests form and die on his lips once more, but he swallows them down for the time being. He doesn't know how to phrase it in a way that won't wound Dimitri. The truth is that he will be abandoned, and that no one will know he felt that way. His feelings were always barricaded by false smiles and playful jests.

It had always been easier for him to fake it, after all. And why shouldn't he, when it was something so petty? Thousands would kill to be in his shoes, to lead the life of comfort and privilege that he did. Perhaps he might be without love, but unlike Dimitri and Felix, he still had his family.

Never mind what a cold comfort that was.]

It isn't your fault, Dimitri. I would not let you fix it.

...Does it matter whose fault it is?

[His fingers tighten just slightly in Sylvain's shirt before he forces them to relax. Forces his voice to relax.]

All that matters is that you are cared for. Loved.

[closed] February Catch All

hey fuck you

:)

>:((((((((

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suicideal ideation cw

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