victory_road | [closed] March Catch All

[In truth, Felix doesn't have to be here. There are plenty of people and Pokemon around to do the caretaking thing, which Felix is not even any good at--literally everyone else here is a better choice, even Lysithea. And of course there's Dean and the others.

The thing is, he knows Dimitri. And he knows that Dimitri will continue to do stupid, stubborn things unless someone forces him to quit it. And everyone else is too nice to force him to do anything. (In Felix's opinion, at least.)

So he's here anyway, sitting at Dimitri's bedside and trying to prop him up on the pillows in a way that will let Felix brush his hair properly. This, at least, he knows how to do.

It takes some grumbling and hoisting and maneuvering, but they manage it. Felix is right in the middle of a brush stroke when Dimitri turns to ask him what is possibly the stupidest question he's ever heard in his life. His hand pauses its motion and he stares until he's frowning.]

No, I'm only here brushing your hair because the Goddess herself sent me a sign from on high that it was her divine will. Mitya, what the hell kind of ridiculous question is that?

[Oh Felix. Dimitri can normally tell your sarcasm apart from how you are as a person. But right now? He almost seems to droop.]

[...Although something doesn't fit right.]

You did not challenge the Goddess to a spar...?

[Felix has only just resumed brushing when he has to stop again with an aggravated sigh.]

You can't be serious. That was sarcasm. Obviously. Now face front and hold still.

[He starts up again with the brush, still frowning.]

Why would you ask me if I like you?

Oh.

[Obediently, Dimitri turns around at Felix's order, and doesn't much protest if he's shoved around a little more to get it right.]

I just... I want to know. I have to be sure that I haven't ruined things again...

[Felix opens his mouth to say something dismissive, but then he pauses, frowning. He keeps brushing slowly as he speaks.]

...you haven't ruined anything. What happened back then was...complicated, and we were little more than children when it began. I had my reasons, but I was...so angry. Not just with you. Some days it felt like I was angry at the whole world and I didn't even understand why. I was needlessly cruel to you, Dimitri. You didn't deserve that. I'm sorry.

[There's something... comforting, about having his hair brushed. When is the last time anyone ever did it for him? When he was a child, he thinks, eye slipping shut as he lets the rhythm lull him. When he was a child, and didn't have any reason to worry...]

...I think I did ruin things... I'm sorry. You don't like that...

You--what? Are you even listening to me?

[Ugh. The one time he manages to find a few words to address...any of this, and Dimitri's too feverish to pay attention.]

I just apologized to you, you idiot. You can't counter-apologize, that's just ridiculous.

[Despite his words, his brushing remains gentle.]

Mm.... But I want to apologize...

[Incredible.]

And... Did I scare you, Felix? I'm sorry. For asking.

Stop apologizing.

[The question catches him off-guard, and he brushes in silence for a moment.]

You're talking about the rebellion. What do you think? I was fifteen years old and my--the--

[He grits his teeth and makes a quiet, frustrated noise, tightening his hand around the brush handle. He is not going to rant at Dimitri while he's feverish. Felix refuses. He will not lose control of his emotions. Not now. He takes a breath and lets it out slowly.

He wouldn't want to talk about this at the best of times, let alone when Dimitri's half-delirious. But who knows, maybe this is the best time he'll ever get. If he's lucky, maybe Dimitri won't even remember this conversation later.]

You know...how I felt about you, even then. That was our first battle. I thought it would be...I didn't know. Anything. About what you saw on that battlefield. Yes, I was terrified. Of course I was. But I was more afraid that I'd lost my best friend forever than I was that you would hurt me.

[It's fine if Felix needs a moment or two to gather his thoughts together, pull his emotions into check. Dimitri is upright almost purely by the power of a good many pillows, his own head drifting against the stroke of the hairbrush.]

[When Felix speaks up again, voice tight with the control he's forcing onto it, reluctant, Dimitri has to drag his mind back out of the haze and into the conversation at hand. His fingers start rubbing slowly along his blankets.]

...I'm sorry.

I think I was lost - or. I never left, Felix. I didn't come back.

[It's hard to explain... or maybe it's because he's delirious with fever that he's having a hard time explaining.]

Stop apologizing. You don't have anything to apologize to me for.

[And the people his apologies are really for are dead. Felix isn't about to take on the responsibility to forgive Dimitri for wrongs against the dead. No way.

Dimitri's hair is more or less free of tangles by now, but Felix keeps brushing anyway. It's a good excuse not to have to look the man in the eye, and it's something to do with his hands, which makes conversation a little easier.]

What are you--

[But no, he understands, he thinks. Given half a moment of thought.]

You mean Duscur. That's what I used to think, too. That you never came back.

[He purses his lips and finally puts the brush down so he can sit on the bed beside Dimitri.]

It might have been true for a while. But you're back now. That's the important part.

[Felix's fingers feel nice against his hair, the strokes offering a gentle sensation that almost seems to sooth the heat and aching inside of his skull. Maybe that's all in his imagination. Dimitri isn't sure.]

[He just listens, and leans against Felix when he finally stops brushing his hair.]

But I still wonder. A piece left in Duscur... and another piece left in Sreng. I think I leave pieces of myself behind...

[He trails off for a moment, eye opening with some struggle.]

...I left one with you too, I think...

[Felix reaches back to move the pillows and adjusts their positions so he can cradle Dimitri's head in his lap instead, and Dimitri can fully lie down.]

With me? What do you mean? Don't--

[Don't put the responsibility for your feelings on me, is what he was going to say, but he bites his tongue. No snapping at Dimitri while he's sick.]

What are you talking about?

I-

[Oh. Oh, he's going down, now. Okay, this is happening. Dimitri allows it, turning his head to nuzzle against Felix's stomach.]

Mm.... People leaving pieces of themselves with other people...

[This may or may not be making more sense.]

[Felix rests one hand on Dimitri's chest and the other in his hair, brow furrowed in thought.]

Hmph. Perhaps you're onto something. No matter how far from you I went, I could never be rid of you. You were always--

[Haunting me.]

The thought of you. Always hounded me. And I think I might have left some piece of myself in Sreng, too. And in Duscur, through Glenn. ...and on Gronder Field.

[Oh.... Slowly, Dimitri raises his hand to lay over Felix's, where it rests against his chest.]

...I gave that order. Should I still not apologize, even for that?

[This is not a conversation Felix ever intended to have with Dimitri again. It's not a conversation he wants to have ever again. The apologies felt like blows the first time around, as soon after Gronder as they were; they felt almost insincere in their suddenness, more guilt than remorse, and all Felix could think to do then was focus the prince's mind on the mission they should have been fighting for all along instead of on the past.

Now, though, there is no war he can use as a convenient excuse to put this off. Now, he's Dimitri's partner and Shield, and he can't just walk away from this anymore. His eyes fix on some point on the wall and he tries to keep his voice steady; he's not sure how well he succeeds.]

...as far as I'm concerned, you already did. Multiple times. But you don't remember that and I know that won't be enough for you. So yes, I'll accept an apology for...for dragging us into bloody battles we didn't need to have and prolonging the kingdom's suffering for the sake of vengeance. For treating your army and your friends like disposable tools.

[He takes his other hand away from Dimitri's hair so he can ball it into a fist, clutching hard at the bedsheets. This isn't fair to put on Dimitri's shoulders while he's sick, Felix knows, but it's too late to stop the torrent now. His lover asked the question and will get his answer in full.]

I'll accept an apology for turning your back on the alliance we forged with Claude, for reasons I still don't understand. And I'll accept an apology for all the orders you gave that called for senseless bloodshed and pain. Hell, I'd even accept an apology for letting that Imperial spy join our ranks against my old man's wishes.

...but none of that is why I left a piece of myself on that battlefield. And even at your worst, you never gave my father the order to trade his life for yours. So don't apologize for his choice.

[With every single thing Felix lists, Dimitri can feel something swelling inside his chest, up to his throat, the back of his tongue. He remembers every single thing that Felix mentions, how too red blood had looked on his weapons and the way that smell filled his lungs.]

[He can remember all the noise. All the frustration. The yelling, and arguing, and how if he could just reach her-]

I'm sorry.

[It's hard to say - not for lack of will or desire, but because his throat still feels choked, and there's a throbbing behind his eyes.]

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

[An apology for each thing listed, for each failure, for every mistake he made - and that's just in general. Dimitri thinks if he did penance for every battle, for every life lost, he would spend years on his knees, hands clasped, before statues of the Saints and Goddess.]

[There's still the ache behind his eyes. It takes him a moment to realize that's because he's started to cry, tears too cold and wet as they slid down his face.]

Even still.... You like me?

[Felix closes his eyes and bows his head, as Dimitri apologizes. Again and again. This time, he knows they're sincere. And he knows that almost anyone else, were they here, would berate him for doing this. Claude, Annette, Ashe, Rodrigue, Ingrid, maybe even Sylvain.

But Felix thinks that maybe he needed to hear this as much as Dimitri feels he needed to say it. Maybe he needed the reassurance that it isn't just the placid peace of this place, and it wasn't just another mask when he transformed again back in Fodlan--Dimitri really has come back to himself, he was always still in there, and Felix didn't waste a decade of his life hanging onto the flimsy thread of hope that refused to die.

He swallows and clears his throat before he responds, and even so, his voice comes out a bit rough.]

...I do. I love you. You know that.

[He knows Dimitri deserves more of an explanation than that, but how is he supposed to put ten years of grief and rage and love and despair into words?

He opens his eyes and with his free hand, he gently wipes the tears from Dimitri's cheeks.]

I wanted to hate you, for a long time. But I never could. Didn't you ever wonder why, despite all the cruel things I said, I couldn't just stay away from you? It was like you died, but you were still there, and I couldn't just mourn and move on. But I couldn't...I couldn't have my Dimitri back, either, and I didn't know if I ever could.

Now I know that I can. And you're making up for all those things you apologized for. One day at a time.

Keeping an eye on me...

[At least, that was what had made the most sense. That was what fed into his own self hatred. But there were times when he had no idea, when Felix would flip from fondly reminding him of childhood embarrassments to bristling coldness.]

[He hadn't known what to make of that. What the right thing to do would be.]

[But he opens his eye, meet Felix's own brilliant amber ones.]

I... do not know if it is enough. If it is one day not... You would tell me. Wouldn't you, Felix?

Yes. That too, a little. But...not until Remire. And even then, I...

[Felix looks away.]

I didn't want to see you like that, you know. There was always a part of me that hoped I was wrong somehow. Maybe that was the piece of me I left with you. I kept chasing after you like some pathetic lost child because I couldn't bring myself to burn that last bridge completely. To fully believe deep down that my Dimitri was gone for good. But I wasn't strong enough to stand with you or see you clearly, either.

[He turns back to meet Dimitri's gaze and frowns.]

It's not about doing 'enough.' That's the exact opposite of what I meant by making up for it. ...do you remember the day I arrived in Violet, and I told you to live for what you believe in? That's...it's what my father told you. When he died.

You make up for it by staying true to your own beliefs. Not by trying to live up to someone else's idea of who you should be. That's how you got yourself lost in the first place, trying to pander to the dead.

[He goes back to running his fingers lightly through Dimitri's hair.]

I'll stand with you, this time. I'll help you and protect you. From your own mind, if I must. But the only one who can know whether you're truly following your heart or not is you.

[Dimitri listens. As best as he possibly can, he listens, trying to hold what he can keep in his hands close to his chest... Just, not in the same way he keeps Felix's hand there.]

[Or maybe exactly as he keeps Felix's hand there.]

...I want to restore Duscur. And - I want us to stop fighting with Sreng. I want to make people healthy... like here.

Then you will. When you're king. And Sylvain and I will be by your side.

But in the meantime, just be Dimitri. That's all you have to be while we're here.

Oh... [Dimitri blinks slowly, and finally lets his eye slip shut again.] I wonder when the last time I was Dimitri...

...Maybe that is the part I left with you.

...well, now I'm here. So if it is, then that part of you is here, too.

[closed] March Catch All

B, dimitri why are you like this

he's sick and depressed, he cannot change this

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