victory_road | [closed] March Catch All

[There's no more sounds after Felix's finishes talking. That's no good. Carefully, tentatively, Dimitri shifts into the room before he speaks up again.]

I do love you, however, Felix. Can I please help with your bathing?

[...this would work on him. Dimitri isn't entirely sure it will work on Felix.]

We can hold each other, afterwards.

[As much as he hates this blatant attempt to sweet-talk him into giving up and wants to tell Dimitri to go away, Felix is aware that this is not going as planned and he can't just...sit in the shower all day. He groans without lifting his head.]

Don't patronize me. I'm sick of all this cosseting and I'm sick of being weak. I should be able to take a damn shower on my own. ...but since apparently I can't, do whatever you like.

Edited 2021-03-20 04:40 (UTC)

[There. That's something. Feeling bad about Felix's state, Dimitri finally goes over and starts to nudge the curtain out of the way.]

Felix... You are sick. Some things are a consequence of that, terrible as it is.

[With Felix in such a sad state, Dimitri almost doesn't notice that he's, well, completely freakin' nude. He's more concerned about how miserable and angry Felix feels right now, and what he can do to help it.]

[A faint part of his brain ponders if he should strip, or if his tee shirt and jeans will be good enough for this, even as he picks up the shampoo bottle.]

But you are not alone... So you will not be weak. That is why people are together, to stay strong and safe even when things go down a bit.

Tch. Whatever.

[Felix doesn't pick his head up even when he hears the curtain move. It doesn't even occur to him that Dimitri's literally walking in on him naked in the shower.

He's quiet for a bit, until:]

I don't remember Glenn ever getting sick. He must have. But I don't remember.

[...Oh.]

[Dimitri pauses. This wasn't the direction he expected this encounter to go in. It's been... so long since the two of them have talked about Glenn. About what he did, what he was like, what happened to him. Dimitri... had sort of given up talking about Glenn anymore, honestly.]

[It feels strange, to do so in such circumstances.]

[...He starts to slide out of his jeans; he thinks he may have to get into the shower himself for this one and denim does not go well with water, he has learned.]

He likely got sick when he was younger... Before we were born, or when we were too young to remember it.

...After the plague... Rodrigue no doubt kept a close watch over you two, for sickness.

Mm. Or at the academy. I'm sure Glenn never needed help bathing. Even if he was sick.

[Felix still just sits where he is, waiting for Dimitri to do whatever it is he's doing--or possibly forgetting why Dimitri's there in the first place, who knows?]

He'd...make fun of me. For this. With some stupid joke about...his baby brother needing someone to hold his hand.

[What Dimitri is doing is clambering into the bath with Felix, gently maneuvering his lover so that his back is to Dimitri's chest. He probably shouldn't be getting his eyepatch wet like this, but... He'll deal with it later. For now, he just gently begins to wet Felix's hair.]

While his baby brother was terribly sick...? No. I am sure he wouldn't. Glenn was always a bit rough and sharp - [Not unlike Felix, although Dimitri doesn't dare say that.] - but he cared about you.

You are his little brother. You're precious to him.

I know he did. But he was so...strong.

[Are those related? Apparently, in Felix's mind, they somehow are.

Eyes still closed, he lets Dimitri do as he will. Not that he'll admit out loud that this does feel nice, cool water and Dimitri's gentle hands in his hair and on his aching head.]

I'm not anything to him anymore. He's dead.

I... Of course. He is.

[And even now, years later, it still hurts to say that. It still hurts to know that he's occasionally had Glenn's voice in his ears, berating him.]

[Dimitri tries not to think about that. Tries and hopes that his mind will remain clear of interference as he sweeps more water through Felix's hair.]

But... Even the strong are weak at times. No one can be strong every second of every minute of the day. Not on their own.

I know that. But...I don't think I ever saw Glenn like that. Weak.

[Glenn always seemed perfect to Felix. Of course, he knows that's just a child's view of the world, that his brother was a human being just like everyone else and had flaws and sometimes failed at things. It's just so difficult to imagine.

If he'd been able to see Glenn as an adult, maybe he'd have an easier time of it.]

Sometimes, I...have trouble remembering what his voice sounded like. Fuck. I don't know why I'm talking about this, what's wrong with me?

...Neither did I. But I heard he often put on a different face around others. Apparently he complimented my training efforts, and I didn't know for ages.

[There's a sudden pang in his chest, for Glenn, which is nothing new, and for Ingrid as well, which is a little different. For Dedue again. For everyone else that remains in Fodlan.]

[Dimitri tries to work it away, pressing some shampoo into his hand. Not only the ache from missing people, but from Felix's next words.]

You... are ill, Felix. And - I miss him too.

Wonder what he told people about me. Or if he told them anything at all.

[It's not that Felix has ever questioned that Glenn loved him. It's just that with his mind in the state it's in right now, it's hard to forget how lonely he felt whenever his brother was elsewhere for a while. Like when he went to the academy for a year, and Felix kept insisting that they visit the monastery every time Rodrigue had a little free time. And whenever they did, it felt like Glenn had...moved on, somehow, beyond teaching his baby brother how to fight and reading him fanciful stories. He had other friends, other concerns, and barely had time to spend with them while they were there.

Afterward, of course, Glenn came back to Fraldarius and things were back to the way they had been, more or less. But that year was probably the worst of Felix's life before the Tragedy.

Now, every year has felt like the worst one. Until now, anyway. Then he scoffs quietly.]

Wonder what my old man used to say about me behind my back. Nothing any better than I've said about him, I suppose.

...Mitya. Did you know about his...his feelings, for your father?

...I think he told people about you. About his little brother who trained so hard, and loved him so much.

[Dimitri wonders if he should mention the things Glenn told him about Felix, when they were together as prince and knight. He wonders if it would make Felix happy, if it would count when Dimitri was always the one asking about the rest of the family.]

[He wonders if Felix would want to hear it from him, even now, with their relationship changed and the situation what it is.]

[Shampoo, now, sliding it into Felix's hair, working it in gently.]

He didn't hate you, Felix. He said good things about you. [And... Apparently his father? Dimitri blinks a little, and feels his eyepatch too soggy against his face.] He cared for him greatly, of course.

I did. Love him. ...maybe it's better if I start to forget.

[If he can forget enough, maybe it will stop hurting to talk about his brother. Maybe he won't think every day about how he's old enough now to be older than Glenn ever got to be.

He stays still for Dimitri's ministrations, letting him tilt his head or shift his position however he needs to. His voice takes on the same sort of edge it always does when he talks about Rodrigue, but it's softened by the way he's drifting and just a hint of melancholy that he usually bottles up tightly.]

I didn't say he hated me. But I know he talked to Byleth about me. And he was constantly going on about how he 'didn't understand me' and thought I was 'odd.' He could hardly go one conversation without bringing Glenn or you or your father up somehow. As if it wasn't enough that I was there.

[He scoffs quietly.] He was in love with his king. And never said a word about it.

Felix...

[What can he say here? What should he say? Dimitri swallows what feels like a stone, his fingers slow and uncertain as they go through Felix's hair.]

[What if he says something wrong? Even if Felix doesn't remember the specifics when he feels better, it still feels wrong, somehow. And Dimitri... always feels as though he might say something wrong around Felix.]

[At least for things like this.]

...You did not say a word to me either, Felix. For a long time.

I... I cannot speak for Rodrigue. I do not know why he did or say some things that he did. But I think that perhaps... neither of you knew what to do with one another.

I don't know, Felix. But.... I will be here for you when it hurts.

Tch. That's different. We were...I wasn't talking to you at all. I didn't stay quiet out of some...some stupid duty. Because of a queen or whatever.

[He makes a noncommittal noise at the bit about Rodrigue, then scoffs quietly.]

That's more than he was. He was never there for me. He was there for you, and for a bunch of dead people. 'I made a promise to the late king, I must see it through.' No, you glorified sycophant, you're keeping promises to a dead man who doesn't know or care. Try promising your living son something sometime.

...ugh, sorry. I didn't mean to. To rant. About him. I just wish... Whatever.

...He looked for you, you know. When we used to attend school. He asked about you - where you were, if you cared for your professors at all. Things like that.

[Dimitri swallows, unsure if he is going to set off another bit of anger, or make the misery worse.]

I'm sorry that I took him from you, Felix. And I... wish I had known earlier, so that I could do something. So that I could help.

I know he did. I didn't want to see him. I...told Byleth to tell him they didn't know where I was. So he wouldn't find me. I was such an idiot.

[He turns his head ever so slightly, not enough to see Dimitri behind him or to disturb his shampooing.]

What did you tell him when he asked?

[Then he groans, annoyed.]

I told you not to take responsibility for his choices. Or mine. I wouldn't have let you help.

[Though it was while Dimitri himself was feverish, so he may not remember.]

It's never been your fault that he treated me like an heir and you like a son. That was his choice, too. I don't know why. Back then I'd thought he was disappointed with how weak I was. Compared to Glenn. I wasn't the heir he wanted, but I was the only one he had left. Maybe I still think that. Or maybe I just shouted at him one too many times and he decided I wasn't worth the trouble. I dunno.

...I know that feeling. The regret.

[Not caring if he gets shampoo in his mouth, Dimitri leans forward, and presses a soft kiss against Felix's ear in response to the way he turns his head. He can only hope that it offers any comfort at all.]

If I cannot apologize for his actions... Then Felix, do not let yourself make up reasoning for his when neither of us can ever truly know. We can only guess, like I can only guess he looked and asked after you because he did think you were the trouble.

...That is what I want to believe.

[As gently as he possibly can, Dimitri pulls Felix against his chest, and gathers the water against his hand.]

...When he asked about you, I said that you really liked the new professor. I mentioned that Ingrid thought you were so interesting when it came to classes on tactics, and you never missed a day of training. I told him how well you kept our classmates safe, and helped out with chores.

I told him you seemed... happy. Or satisfied, at least.

Ugh. Regrets are pointless, I hate them. Not like I can change anything, what's the use? Can't wait to get this damn funeral over with so I can move on already.

[Felix closes his eyes when first Dimitri's lips and then his gentle hands do their work, leaning back against him as much as he can without obstructing his rinsing.]

Believe what you want. I shouldn't be agonizing over it anyway. I'm acting like a child.

[And yet he can't get his mind off the subject, or stop the words from coming out. His mind just feels so tired and foggy, and his limbs feel weak and useless.]

Satisfied...was I satisfied? I suppose so. No thanks to him and his stupid letters. I didn't even always answer them. Even though...I sort of wanted to. I did and I didn't.

...you told him a lot of nice things about someone who was so cruel to you. You're too soft for your own good, you know. Just means I have to work harder to protect you.

I agreed with you, on that which you were cruel to me about.

[Sometimes, he still agrees. It's a part in the back of his head, something separate from the numerous voices that have haunted him for so long...]

So in that vein... I could look past how cruel you were to me. I still watched you, after all, and I wanted you to be happy.

...I still want you to be happy. Sometimes, that means acting like a child, because I think we are all allowed that, at least a little bit. And regret isn't something that is solely in the domain of children, either.

It is simply... something that we cannot help but feel. Something that we always wonder, no matter what.

I think... all we can do is try to strive better.

[Another soft welcome of water along Felix's scalp.]

And we will stay with you as you do so.

[closed] March Catch All

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