victory_road | April Catchall [closed]

Hey guys! So, uh, full disclosure, Lorenz just confessed he has feelings for me. And that he's had them for a long time. Which, I realize, may be news only and exclusively to me, because I have a terrible feeling it was really obvious to everyone else with eyes and I managed to be very selectively blind.

The thing is, I have feelings for him too. Ones I think I kept myself from acknowledging back in Fodlan, where I couldn't really pursue any relationships in the circumstances I was under, and then just never unpacked even after that because there wasn't a whole lot of reason to get into it. But he's been one of my closest friends for a long time, ever since we got past our rocky start in the academy, so maybe with how extremely gay I am that was kinda inevitable?

So, all that said...I'd like to date him. I know some of you aren't that fond of him, but you won't have to interact with him that much unless you care to. If anyone else has any other problems to bring up about that, let me know and we can figure things out. But this is pretty important to me.

Felix, I know you in particular have had concerns recently? Do we need to talk? Whatever's bugging you, I'm not trying to throw more strain on that. But my talk with Lorenz after he gave us all that intel just got...pretty emotional. For obvious reasons, really.

(In case it's not obvious: if we do need to talk, it doesn't have to be here. We can chat in private. That goes for everybody, if they don't want spectators.)

Edited 2022-04-09 06:31 (UTC)

[Well, this is a lot to take in, but... As Claude said, not wholly as much of a surprise as Dimitri supposes it could have been. It was always clear that Claude cared deeply for Lorenz, and, well, Lorenz did seem to attach himself to Claude upon arrival...]

I believe it would be fairly hypocritical of me to voice any objections to you taking on another lover.

Are you going to be staying there in Cherrygrove for a while longer, then?

Be that as it may, I still want to hear your thoughts on it, Dimitri. If there's anything that bothers you about it, let me know?

As for staying in Cherrygrove...probably just for the night. Lorenz is wiped from all these emotions - not just confessing to me or any of that, either, but the whole thing with telling us all that information. Apparently he expected us to be mad at him for it or something? Which - I can't imagine why we'd hold any of that against him? But I guess that's why he came all the way out here before dropping the news. He's asleep right now, actually. So I'll stay with him for tonight and then encourage him to at least come back to somewhere closer on hand before I come home tomorrow.

Some people think that merely being the bearer of bad news is punishment enough. Not too mention, one often feels as though they have never done nearly enough.

[Dimitri does, constantly, even with those who would tell him otherwise.]

I will be sure to let you know, Claude. I cannot think of anything that is truly pressing, although I suppose I worry, as always, on if I will be able to do right by both you and Lorenz. Even if we need not ever speak, I would still like to be on good terms with those that are close to you.

Speaking of all that news...what did you think about all that? How are you holding up? Lorenz was starting to have some kind of breakdown and I felt like someone needed to comfort him, but that meant that I never got to check in on you or the others. There's just not enough of me to go around to everyone I'm worrying about.

Anyway, as far as being on good terms with Lorenz, I've only heard good things in that direction so far. I was worried he might have a negative impression of you from his working with the Empire and/or your losing yourself in your anger for awhile, but either he never got much of an impression of those things in the first place or you showed him your best qualities right away. I think you don't need to worry about getting along with him.

[....It maybe takes a few minutes longer than it should for Dimitri to get back to him on that.]

I am all right. Felix came to check on me.

I am glad to hear that Lorenz does not view me too negatively. We have had some meals together, but that does not necessarily mean everything is fine.

Are you really? There was a lot there. You're not just, y'know, putting me off and not talking about how you're actually doing? Because when I come back tomorrow, I'm going to come find you and ask again, and if you tell me something different then, you'll have to admit you were lying to me.

But it's a lot easier than you think for people to see how good of a person you really are, and always have been. The way you act when you're so traumatized you can't think straight...that's not really you. Lorenz is as observant as anyone else, and he sees you're kind and thoughtful and supportive of others. Even when he was at his worst, those things were always important to him, and he's able to appreciate them even better now.

[Claude, must you call him out like this]

Claude, if I may be frank, I often feel as though I rarely do as well as I or anyone else wishes I could be. I am not lying when I go off my own measurements for how I am doing.

[But you can't respond to every "How are you doing" with "Still kind of experiencing a fraction of a mental breakdown", or at least he feels he can't.]

There is a lot that I have to address with what Lorenz told all of us, and I am still digesting it to some degree.

So what I'm gathering here is, you're "all right" for a very personal and subjective value of all right, and the fact that it's probably not anything close to what I would consider all right is something I'm supposed to politely ignore?

The thing is, Dimitri, you didn't have to tell me you were doing all right at all. You could tell me - well, what you just did. That you're still processing it all. Maybe how you actually feel. That you don't even know what to feel yet. You could tell me anything at all, really. But when I ask how you're doing, I don't just want to be fed a couple words that you know don't mean what I'd want them to mean. I want to actually get a feel for where you're at.

[Sometimes, Dimitri wonders if he is perhaps a little bit too honest for his own good at times. Sometimes, he knows that he would never be able to lie to his loved ones without tasting something vile on the back of his tongue.]

If we put a stop to everything just because my "all right" did not match others' "all right", then I would feel guilty. Nothing would get done, and it would distract from other issues we need to focus on while I am already focusing on fixing myself.

It will be fine in the end. It will.

Huh. Okay, well that sorta makes sense, right? Claude cared a lot about the rest of Golden Deer as far as Sylvain could tell. So this isn't altogether shocking coming from Claude.

Well damn, aren't you Mr. Popular? ;) I think it's congrats for something like this, right? Either way, happy for you, stud.

Feels really dumb that I didn't see this coming! I gave you and Felix such grief when you first got together for being oblivious, and look at me now.

But thanks. I'm pretty happy about it, honestly. I know you and Lorenz have had some friction in the past, but you're both great guys I'm lucky enough to have accidentally seduced. ;)

Love does that whole blindsiding you thing, I get it. Heh, don't worry, I'm sure I was just as bad about it like you said. Hells, I think back on it even before coming here and feel a little goofy.

Haha, """accidentally""" huh? Yeah right, you knew what you were doing with those dashing good looks, stud. ;)

It really does. I think I've got a bad habit of locking my feelings away so tight when I think they don't have anywhere to go that even I can't really see them for what they are anymore, too. Makes them easy to ignore in the day to day so you can get on with what you're doing, but after awhile...you lose track of how you actually feel about things.

That implies my good looks are something I actively do! I'm just naturally gorgeous, Sylvain. It's a curse. Every day I look in the mirror and pray to the goddess to make me less sexy so I can stop distracting all the gorgeous men in my life, but I guess she knows I'm a heathen Almyran because she never answers. :( I might be stuck this way forever...

April Catchall [closed]

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