MEMO 003 | TEXT

[quadrangle]

HUMANS AND VARIOUS OTHER TRANSFORMED AND PRESUMABLY SENTIENT CREATURES, I HAVE A QUESTION FOR YOU ALL.
OR I GUESS IT BREAKS DOWN INTO THREE QUESTIONS BUT SHUT UP, THERE IS ONE ULTIMATE GOAL HERE THAT MUST, I REPEAT, *MUST* BE ACHIEVED BY YOUR HUMAN CHRISTMAS.
UNLESS YOU CALL IT SOMETHING ELSE ON YOUR PLANET? WHATEVER, YOU KNOW THE ONE, IT HAPPENS DURING THE 12TH PERIGEE OR "MONTH" ACCORDING TO YOUR CALENDAR.
AND I GUESS EVERY CALENDAR, BUT THAT'S NOT THE FUCKING POINT HERE.
ANYWAY MY QUESTION WAS THIS: WHAT IS THE LARGEST LAND-BASED POKEMON? BECAUSE MY ALTERNATIVE IS WAILORD AND I KIND OF DON'T WANT TO FUCKING GO THERE.
SECOND QUESTION: WHERE CAN THIS POKEMON BE FOUND NEAREST TO GOLDENROD OR DOES ANYONE HAPPEN TO HAVE ONE.
QUESTION THREE: WHAT ARE THE TRANSPORTATION OPTIONS FOR SHIFTING LARGE ITEMS HUGE DISTANCES. (AND DON'T TELL ME PIDGEY POST, IT'S NOT GOING TO FUCKING CUT IT HERE.)
TELEPORT PROBABLY WON'T EITHER, NOW THAT I THINK OF IT. DOESN'T THAT ONLY SEND PEOPLE/POKEMON/WHATEVER TO POKECENTERS NOW? WHICH, BY THE WAY, FUCK GAME MECHANICS, THIS WOULDN'T BE SUCH A GODDAMN HASSLE OTHERWISE.
THEN AGAIN, WAILORD. CAN YOU ACTUALLY SUMMON ONE OVER LAND. OR WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU CALL IT, LET IT OUT OF THE POKEBALL. WOULDN'T THAT BE THE SAME THING AS BEACHING IT? BUT HOW THE FUCK WOULD YOU BATTLE WITH THEM IF YOU CAN'T, IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE.
RIGHT WHERE WAS I. CONTACT ME IF YOU HAVE ONE OF THESE POKEMON OR CAN TELL ME WHERE THE FUCK TO FIND ONE. OR REPLY HERE, WHATEVER. I REALLY NEED TO BREAK THAT HABIT.
OH AND MY NAME IS KARKAT AND YES I ALWAYS TYPE LIKE THIS, DON'T WASTE MY TIME WITH PSEUDO-CLEVER QUIPS ABOUT HOW MY CAPS LOCK IS BROKEN, LIKE I HAVEN'T HEARD THAT A THOUSAND TIMES BEFORE. JUST GIVE ME SOME FUCKING ANSWERS SO WE CAN BOTH GET ON WITH OUR LIVES.
ALRIGHT THAT'S ALL. HAVE A HAPPY 12TH PERIGEE'S EVE, DOUCHEBAGS.

Comments

[Text]

[agent3]

[Wh. That is. That is so much text. Lots of it. Lots of loud, booming text with big words. It takes Thida a good half hour to parse that entire block of information, and when she does? She has this to say:]

whut do u need a big pokemon 4 tho

[Text]

[quadrangle]

I DON'T NEED ONE. I HAVE PLENTY.
I GUESS AT MOST I'D BE BORROWING ONE? BUT ONLY FOR A LITTLE WHILE.
I MEAN, PROBABLY. FUCK MAYBE I SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT THIS THROUGH SOONER.
DO YOU KNOW OF ANY?

[Text]

[agent3]

[Attached is a picture of a Granbull and a Luxray, the latter sleepily lounging on the former on the floor of a Pokemon Center. They are both roughly around the same height from head to hind paws.]

buru n judd r big
u need bigger?

[Text]

[quadrangle]

MUCH BIGGER. MANY TIMES BIGGER, IN FACT, SUCH THAT A DESCRIPTOR AKIN TO, SAY, "BEHEMOTH" WOULD BE APPROPRIATE.
OR "COMPLETELY FUCKING ENORMOUS," IF THAT WORD IS TOO DIFFICULT FOR YOU.

[islandshore]

Just going off the top of my head, I recommend going for an Onix or Steelix.

And I know wild Onix can be found near Union Cave, so... gonna have to backtrack toward Azalea, I'm afraid.

[quadrangle]

OH. WELL, FUCK.
SO THEN IT PROBABLY WOULD BE EASIER JUST TO CATCH IT FIRST? WAIT THEY'RE ROCK AND STEEL TYPES, RIGHT? MAYBE THAT COULD WORK.
FUCK THERE'S SOMETHING SO MESSED UP ABOUT PICKING POKÉMON JUST BASED ON TYPE, YOU KNOW? WHAT KIND OF GAME MAKES YOU DO THAT.

[islandshore]

What's so bad about choosing based on type, though? Plenty of trainers do it. Helps in building balanced teams.

But I digress. Steelix is a pretty handy Pokémon to keep in general. Durable, large, handy for travel.

[quadrangle]

IT'S JUST
UGH. I GUESS IT ISN'T THAT DIFFERENT FROM WHAT LUSII DO ANYWAY BUT STILL. WHAT ABOUT THE POKÉMON WHO ARE REJECTED BECAUSE THEY'RE NOT THE "RIGHT" TYPE? BUT THEY CAN SURVIVE ON THEIR OWN IN THE WILD SO
FUCK. THE MORE I THINK ABOUT THIS THE LESS SENSE IT MAKES. WHY SHOULD POKÉMON EVEN COOPERATE WITH TRAINERS IF WE'RE JUST SNATCHING THEM OUT OF THE WILD? I MEAN DOES IT REALLY IMPROVE THEIR LIVES OR WHAT? DO THEY EVEN HAVE PREDATORS??? DON'T POKÉMON JUST EAT BERRIES OR WHATEVER EVEN IF THEY'RE GIGANTIC FUCKING DRAGONS? IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE. AND IF THEY DO HAVE PREDATORS AND ALL THAT OTHER SHIT HOW IS THE TRADE OFF OF BEING MADE TO FIGHT EACH OTHER AND EATING TRAINER-APPROVED DIETS WORTH IT? AND IF IT REALLY IS WORTH IT WHY AREN'T THERE POKÉMON QUEUEING UP TO FLING THEMSELVES INTO A FUCKING POKÉBALL. OR IF THEY'RE SACRIFICING THEIR AUTONOMY FOR ALL THIS BULLSHIT HOW CAN PEOPLE JUSTIFY PERPETUATING THIS WHOLE SYSTEM AND OH MY GOD I SOUND LIKE KANKRI, EXCUSE ME WHILE I GO FIND THE NEAREST CULLING FORK AND FLING MYSELF ON IT.

WHERE THE FUCK DO I FIND A STEELIX.

[laughingstawke]

TWO THINGS.

WHY IN THE NAME OF THE MAKER ARE WE YELLING?

Also, have you seen Arcanine? I think you should look at Arcanine. One sat on me once. By which I mean, he pounced on me when I was vulnerable (which never happens). Would have crushed a weaker creature half to death but us Champions are made strong.

I mean, I can't say I know what a Wailking is but let us return to the point above: have you seen Arcanine?

[quadrangle]

LET ME ALSO DIRECT YOUR ATTENTION TO THE POINT ABOVE: ***THIS IS HOW I FUCKING TYPE.*** WELL DONE, YOU'VE FAILED ONE OF THE BASIC TENETS OF TEXT-BASED INTERACTIONS, AKA READ THE FUCKING TEXT SO YOU DON'T MAKE AN ASS OF YOURSELF.
I HAVE IN FACT SEEN AN ARCANINE. THEY AREN'T BIG ENOUGH. TRY AGAIN.

[laughingstawke]

Champions are also made not to read. You've failed the basic tenets of speaking to heroes, so we're basically even at this point.

I also think we need to review point A one more time: consider Arcanine. Have you truly given it enough thought? Let me reiterate: big.

[quadrangle]

WHAT KIND OF PISS-POOR EXCUSE FOR A HERO IS MADE NOT TO READ? OH WAIT THAT WOULD BE YOU SO EX-FUCKING-CUSE ME FOR NOT DESCENDING TO YOUR LEVEL.
I HAVE DULY CONSIDERED ARCANINE. THEY STILL AREN'T BIG ENOUGH. BESIDES SOMEONE LIVING IN THIS HIVE ALREADY HAS AN ARCANINE SO THERE'S NO FUCKING POINT IN GETTING ANOTHER ONE.
AND NO I DO NOT NEED ONE OF MY VERY OWN TO FILL SOME HERETOFORE UNNOTICED GAPING CHASM IN MY SOUL, SO DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT SUGGESTING IT.

[mttbrandlegs]

INSULTING WHILE SEEKING INFORMATION?

THAT'S A TAD ENTITLED, DON'T YOU THINK??

THAT SAID, SWEETIE, IF I HAD TO DIRECT YOU TOWARDS A LARGE SPECIMEN, WHY NOT GO FOR ONE OF THE ROCK SNAKES?

ONIX, I BELIEVE?? THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO BE RATHER SIZABLE!!! IF YOU FEEL LIKE SPENDING TIME ON IT, YOU COULD ALSO CATCH YOURSELF A MAGIKARP AND EVOLVE IT! ASGORE'S FLOATY WATER SERPENT LOOKED TO BE LARGE AS WELL! WHATEVER'S EASIER, I SUPPOSE!!!

i'm so fucking sorry

[quadrangle]

OH! AND I SUPPOSE I'M NOW OBLIGATED TO FALL TO MY AMBULATION HINGES AND FELLATE YOUR GROTESQUE HUMAN NUB KERATIN IN GRATITUDE FOR THIS SPECTACULAR SHOW OF MAGNANIMITY? OF FUCKING COURSE, HOW COULD I BE SO REMISS IN MY DUTIES AS AN UNWORTHY SUPPLICANT OF WHAT VAST AND NO DOUBT AWE-INSPIRING KNOWLEDGE YOU HAVE AT YOUR DISPOSAL.
A ROCK SNAKE, YOU SAY? MY GOD HOW FORTUNATE AM I TO HAVE THROWN MYSELF ON YOUR MERCY, I NEVER WOULD HAVE FUCKING HEARD ABOUT THIS MYTHICAL CREATURE WITHOUT YOUR SELFLESS AND IN NO WAY HALF-ASSED ATTEMPT AT HELPING!
WHY DON'T YOU GO PLAY CLUCKBEAST WITH A RHYDON AND STOP WASTING MY FUCKING TIME.

only if i can be sorry back

[mttbrandlegs]

APOLOGY ACCEPTED! :)

YOU REALLY WOULDN'T HAVE GOTTEN ANYWHERE WITHOUT ME, I THINK. ESPECIALLY SINCE I DID QUOTE YOU A LARGE LAND BASED CREATURE! I'D GO SO FAR AS TO SAY THAT YOU OWE ME MORE THAN YOUR CHILDISH RAMBLINGS, BUT AS I AM THE MAGNANIMOUS ONE, I'LL OVERLOOK YOUR INABILITY TO PROPERLY CONVEY GRATITUDE!!

THERE IS ONE THING I WOULD LIKE TO CORRECT YOU ON, OF COURSE--MY ATTEMPTS WERE NOT NEARLY AS HALF-ASSED AS YOUR INSULTS! I REALLY WAS TRYING TO HELP!!!

that's cheating :(

[quadrangle]

YES, ONE WHICH HAS ALREADY BEEN MENTIONED AND FRANKLY DOESN'T ADVANCE MY GOALS AT ALL HERE, BUT NICE EFFORT. DO YOU WANT A GOLD STAR? I'VE SHINED ONE UP REAL GOOD HERE WITH SOME EXTRA SALIVA OH WAIT THAT'S JUST MY VOMIT FROM HAVING TO PUT UP WITH YOUR SELF-INVOLVED DRIVEL.
IF YOU WANT TO HELP KINDLY JETTISON YOURSELF INTO THIS PLANET'S LOWER ATMOSPHERE WHILE SCREAMING. I PROMISE IT WILL MAKE ALL THE DIFFERENCE!

[text]

[drubbings]

K4RK4T
WH4T 4R3 YOU UP TO?
1 DON'T TH1NK 4NY OF OUR FR13NDS W4NT 4 L4RG3 POK3B34ST FOR 12TH P3RIG33 3V3

[text]

[quadrangle]

TEREZI
UH

[oKAY SO THIS MIGHT HAVE PARTIALLY BEEN INTENDED AS A SURPRISE FOR HER EXCEPT naturally he fucked it up, but it would have been obvious what he was planning anyway so??? Look, shut up.]

I'M TRYING TO FIND A REPLACEMENT BEHEMOTH LEAVING. I MEAN, I KNOW IT'S NOT GOING TO BE THE SAME THING AT ALL BUT
JUST LEAVE THIS TO ME OK? I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING.

[text] appropriate icon

[drubbings]

[ This is oddly touching. Her first 12th Pergee Eve here and he is still sticking to the traditions. ]

R34LLY?
DO POK3B3ASTS 3V3N DO TH4T?

[ She hasn't seen Emperor evacuate anything yet. How mysterious. ]

4R3 YOU SUR3 YOU DON'T W4NT H3LP?
1T COULD B3 FUN >:]

[charcoalfeather]

I think it might be an onix or steelix. Or maybe that pokemon god we saw? I've heard you can find pokemon like onix in rocky caves like the one near Violet city, but I never went through there.
Karkat what are you doing?

[quadrangle]

WHAT ABOUT STEELIX? DO YOU KNOW WHERE TO FIND ONE OF THOSE? I MEAN I'M ON A SCHEDULE AND I GUESS AN ONIX WOULD WORK, BUT NO ONE'S TOLD ME ANYTHING ABOUT STEELIX SO FAR BESIDES THAT IT'S FUCKING HUGE ENOUGH TO BE COMPARABLE TO ONIX. DOES NO ONE KNOW ANYTHING??
I'M LOOKING FOR A BEHEMOTH LEAVING. OR A POKÉBEHEMOTH LEAVING, WHATEVER.

[charcoalfeather]

No, I've never seen one. They must be pretty rare.
Or dangerous.
both, I guess.
What's a behemoth leaving?

[eclectictype]

are you literally bringing shit into the house?????

[quadrangle]

YES JADE I AM DELIBERATELY IGNORING ALL HUMAN SOCIAL CONVENTIONS BECAUSE I'M ENOUGH OF AN ASSHOLE TO CONSIDER MY 12TH PERIGEE'S EVE EXPERIENCE MORE IMPORTANT THAN THE RELATIVE COMFORT OF MY FRIENDS AND QUADRANTMATES, HOW DID YOU GUESS!

[eclectictype]

like i have any idea what you are thinking!!!
its my first time dating an alien
let alone one that is a nubby shoutpole incarnate! >:P
if you are intending to bring shit anywhere NEAR the house where will you put it??? what do you even DO with it after you are done with it?