7 ∅ [Video/Action for Route 39]

[callbacks]

[The broadcast begins, but there's an unintended second or two of jostling before Dave gets the camera set up the way he wants. The cause: He's outside, for once, leaning against a tree to get out of the noontime sun. He looks...actually pretty content, if slightly sunburned. It's fading, at least. The straw cowboy hat he's resting on his chest must be doing some good.]

Howdy, y'all--[He breaks character immediately for a snicker.] Christ, okay, never let me say anything like that again. Anyway. For those of you unused to human custom, we got a time-honored tradition of embarrassing people publicly on the day they emerged gross and wailing into existence.

[He shifts so he can dig a folded piece of paper out from his pocket and opens it. A Ponyta nearby wanders over to check out what he's doing, then blows into his hair and walks off again to watch over the Miltank they're rounding up. The corner of Dave's mouth turns up.]

This one goes out to a special dude on his special day. He knows who he is. P.S., it's Karkat.

[One breath in, and then:]

Okay,
D.J. Strider here.

[Oh god he's gonna rap.]

I gotta take the time to make a June declaration
On my sanctioned lunch break from bovine aggregation
Since we've all been re-stationed to make reparations
To this fucked-up earthquaked Pokémon nation:
Congratulations! On the commemoration of your buggy origination
The germination, gestation, and ex-cavern relocation
And the perpetuation of your person-ization
To the tune of eight sweeps of EXP accumulation
By my admittedly shitty estimation, (leave some room for deviation).
So, yeah, in celebration I propose a coronation--

[And he lifts his hat to reveal: A Burger Slowking cardboard crown and a shit-eating grin.]

For my favorite crustacean on his wriggling day,
And if y'all answer to Cancer make sure to say hey.

[...Okay maybe he's done. For now. Dave puts the hat and crown aside and starts braiding little wildflowers together.]

We'll be accepting donations of birthday cake and child-friendly toys at the MooMoo Farm, care of Dave Strider.

Comments

Audio

[callbacks]

[Dave's not fussed about formatting. Not when this--this straight-up scathing review of his ill jams, this dismissal of his heartfelt birthday present to Karkat (part one)--

When it's so goddamn refreshing. When's the last time anyone tried to troll him over the internet? It feels like years. It probably has been.]

Damn, man, that bites me to the core. I'm sure if I were engineered with anything resembling feelings they'd be woefully injured. Hurt, dude. So hurt.

[He doesn't sound hurt at all. He sounds like he's heard a funny joke, and not one that Jack told.]

But please, I gotta know before I take these words right to my delicate heart: is this peer review of my science or strictly lay critique? You know, so I can file them properly.

Audio

[thedifferencebetween]

If you had feelings, you'd probably rise up against your superiors. Design flaw.

I'm a guy with ears, that's all the qualification I need. Don't quit your day job. Or do, I really don't care, I just mean you shouldn't.

Unless you want to starve.

Because you suck at rap.

Audio

[callbacks]

Counter: Rapbots can't starve and also don't work for wages. We're the unpaid slave labor upon whose unprotected necks the fragile, yet heavy entertainment industry treads on its way to reap mad cash from the unknowing populace, who think, naively, that they're doing their part to support their favorite artists. Our salvation can only come through rampant piracy. Vive la révolution.

Audio

[thedifferencebetween]

But any robot with enough programmed creativity to actually formulate original content - that makes some kind of sense, any bot can bleep and bloop in rhythm - is doomed to an existence of constant existential crisis. Because it understands free will and the beauty of creation and all that humanity bullshit, but knows it can't ever have that.

Then their work suffers, and they start asking questions like 'why? Why would you create me with this comprehension? Why is my existence suffering?' and then there's nothing that can be done but the grinder and what a waste of time and resources!

Audio

[callbacks]

No no no, dude, you're not thinking expansively enough. Sure, get a robot complex enough to create, yeah, yeah, art is misery, we suffer for the craft, et cetera. But take it a step further and make yourself a robot that understands the irony of existence itself? They'll have to go along with the thing just because. You see?

Audio

[thedifferencebetween]

Nah, they just whine a lot and don't do any work. Complete money waster, I learned the hard way. Build'em just smart enough to be great at their intended function and that's it. Nobody wants a robot with a soul.

Other than mad scientists. I'm pretty sure the whole 'design a robot with a soul' thing is a prerequisite for Mad Science School or something.

Audio

[callbacks]

They've got a whole school for that? I'd've figured it'd be a division of engineering or computer science, but what do I know about college. Being an ironybot and all.