victory_road | 7 ∅ [Video/Action for Route 39]

[The broadcast begins, but there's an unintended second or two of jostling before Dave gets the camera set up the way he wants. The cause: He's outside, for once, leaning against a tree to get out of the noontime sun. He looks...actually pretty content, if slightly sunburned. It's fading, at least. The straw cowboy hat he's resting on his chest must be doing some good.]

Howdy, y'all--[He breaks character immediately for a snicker.] Christ, okay, never let me say anything like that again. Anyway. For those of you unused to human custom, we got a time-honored tradition of embarrassing people publicly on the day they emerged gross and wailing into existence.

[He shifts so he can dig a folded piece of paper out from his pocket and opens it. A Ponyta nearby wanders over to check out what he's doing, then blows into his hair and walks off again to watch over the Miltank they're rounding up. The corner of Dave's mouth turns up.]

This one goes out to a special dude on his special day. He knows who he is. P.S., it's Karkat.

[One breath in, and then:]

Okay,
D.J. Strider here.

[Oh god he's gonna rap.]

I gotta take the time to make a June declaration
On my sanctioned lunch break from bovine aggregation
Since we've all been re-stationed to make reparations
To this fucked-up earthquaked Pokémon nation:
Congratulations! On the commemoration of your buggy origination
The germination, gestation, and ex-cavern relocation
And the perpetuation of your person-ization
To the tune of eight sweeps of EXP accumulation
By my admittedly shitty estimation, (leave some room for deviation).
So, yeah, in celebration I propose a coronation--

[And he lifts his hat to reveal: A Burger Slowking cardboard crown and a shit-eating grin.]

For my favorite crustacean on his wriggling day,
And if y'all answer to Cancer make sure to say hey.

[...Okay maybe he's done. For now. Dave puts the hat and crown aside and starts braiding little wildflowers together.]

We'll be accepting donations of birthday cake and child-friendly toys at the MooMoo Farm, care of Dave Strider.

Threaded | Top-Level Comments Only

...........Aren't we still in Gemini? [CHURCH that is not the POINT]

Also I can't tell if that's...really awesome with those fucking rhymes or the dumbest thing because you made a rap for someone's birthday. A++ for effort, anyway.

I mean, yeah, maybe? But that's not the point, the star signs work differently for trolls. Also, thank you, it is pretty awesome. You a connoisseur of the genre?

...Like...internet trolls?

Eh, I've got friends who are, and you take whatever music you can get when you're stuck in a valley in the middle of fucking nowhere. Did you have to google up a shitload of rhyming words to work it out?

Wow, no, you insult me. [Maybe.] I mean, I kind of went easy mode and gave myself one of the commonest suffixes in the English language to work with, but vocabulary's never really been a thing I lacked in any tangible way.

But yeah, he's like an internet troll. An internet troll who also happens to be an angry alien IRL.

[Guess who has no idea who this kid or Karkat is, nor what good rap sounds like?]

Wow, that was really impressive! [She's even clapping]

Thanks, kid. I can be rented out for weddings and bar mitzvahs, too. Half-rate for funerals.

Right. Okay. For the sake of my sanity and probably yours, I'm not gonna ask anything more about angry alien internet troll Katkat. [HE REMEMBERS KATKAT. He will never forget Katkat.]

Whatever, c'mon, don't sell yourself short, that was still really creative rhyming going on there. How long were you working on that?

--Uh, I dunno, like a day or two? 'S not his real present...Shit, okay, sorry, did I talk to you while I was all miniaturized or something or did I slip up and call him Katkat actually out loud on a public channel.

Oh, was this a job? [That's what she takes away from this] Well, hopefully we won't be having any funerals here!

DAVE I'M BREAKING UP WITH YOU
I'VE FOUND SOMEONE I PITY MORE THAN YOU COULD EVER HOPE TO BE PITIED. KNOW WHO IT IS? **ME** FOR HAVING TO PUT UP WITH YOUR BULLSHIT

Edited (LOOK AT ME EXERCISING RESTRAINT) 2016-06-13 10:02 (UTC)

You were a tiny thing. It was adorable. Man, what happened to you to lose all of that chubby-cheeked adorability? [he teases man]

That was great, Dave! And happy birthday to your friend! Or, Pokemon?

[She doesn't know Karkat, but child-friendly toys make her think Pokemon...]

I would come by and bake a cake, but the farm's so far away and it's hard to get anywhere now. What kind of toys does he like?

That was really good! And happy birthday to your friend! Is he one of those trolls you told me about before?

[Just a wild guess.]

Edited 2016-06-13 19:19 (UTC)

[Buggy origination... cavern relocation...

Hooboy Rakka's still trying to keep track of all those sweet rhymes.]

Dave, that was great! [Not a hint of sarcasm to be seen.] So is it really Karkat's birthday today?

....

.......

[It doesn't matter what form a broadcast is posted in, publicly, Handsome Jack always responds with audio only. Makes him feel more like he's addressing the masses from on high. And this needs addressing.]

Just when I think this place cannot possibly have some fresh new stupidity floating around, I'm proven so very, very wrong.

In case you missed my meaning, that 'rap'? Is the stupidest thing I've heard all week. But you know, points for using multi-syllabic words properly.

Multiple iterations of the apocalypse, mostly. You were, uh...shit, were you the guy that got us pizza? Dude.

Oh, did no one tell you? The institution of death's pretty much suspended while you're here. True facts.

i got you something

oh you know
anything that squeals sadly when you kill it
hes gotta let out all that bitey aggression on something and im all out of cape

Yup, that's him. Shouty McAngerface. I have no idea how dates and time and shit actually line up from one planet to the next, but at some point you just gotta give up and pin the tail on the calendar, you know?

Near as I can tell, yeah? It's sort of hard to determine what with all the time travel and alternate universes and the fact his planet runs an orbit of completely different length, but six-twelve is basically the closest approximation, as far as seventh grade math can take me.

[Dave's not fussed about formatting. Not when this--this straight-up scathing review of his ill jams, this dismissal of his heartfelt birthday present to Karkat (part one)--

When it's so goddamn refreshing. When's the last time anyone tried to troll him over the internet? It feels like years. It probably has been.]

Damn, man, that bites me to the core. I'm sure if I were engineered with anything resembling feelings they'd be woefully injured. Hurt, dude. So hurt.

[He doesn't sound hurt at all. He sounds like he's heard a funny joke, and not one that Jack told.]

But please, I gotta know before I take these words right to my delicate heart: is this peer review of my science or strictly lay critique? You know, so I can file them properly.

Wow. That's, uh, rough, buddy.

...Was I pizza guy? Oh shit, you're right, I was totally pizza dude! Man. Fucked up me took a liking to kids, I guess.

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