victory_road | 7 ∅ [Video/Action for Route 39]

[The broadcast begins, but there's an unintended second or two of jostling before Dave gets the camera set up the way he wants. The cause: He's outside, for once, leaning against a tree to get out of the noontime sun. He looks...actually pretty content, if slightly sunburned. It's fading, at least. The straw cowboy hat he's resting on his chest must be doing some good.]

Howdy, y'all--[He breaks character immediately for a snicker.] Christ, okay, never let me say anything like that again. Anyway. For those of you unused to human custom, we got a time-honored tradition of embarrassing people publicly on the day they emerged gross and wailing into existence.

[He shifts so he can dig a folded piece of paper out from his pocket and opens it. A Ponyta nearby wanders over to check out what he's doing, then blows into his hair and walks off again to watch over the Miltank they're rounding up. The corner of Dave's mouth turns up.]

This one goes out to a special dude on his special day. He knows who he is. P.S., it's Karkat.

[One breath in, and then:]

Okay,
D.J. Strider here.

[Oh god he's gonna rap.]

I gotta take the time to make a June declaration
On my sanctioned lunch break from bovine aggregation
Since we've all been re-stationed to make reparations
To this fucked-up earthquaked Pokémon nation:
Congratulations! On the commemoration of your buggy origination
The germination, gestation, and ex-cavern relocation
And the perpetuation of your person-ization
To the tune of eight sweeps of EXP accumulation
By my admittedly shitty estimation, (leave some room for deviation).
So, yeah, in celebration I propose a coronation--

[And he lifts his hat to reveal: A Burger Slowking cardboard crown and a shit-eating grin.]

For my favorite crustacean on his wriggling day,
And if y'all answer to Cancer make sure to say hey.

[...Okay maybe he's done. For now. Dave puts the hat and crown aside and starts braiding little wildflowers together.]

We'll be accepting donations of birthday cake and child-friendly toys at the MooMoo Farm, care of Dave Strider.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[He should not be sniggering this badly. Heather is a HORRIBLE influence.]

Well, there was this hideous headband I found that looks like what a drunk person would draw a Krabby as, and these Tentacool dolls that some genius decided to put velcro all over the tentacles? I saw a kid walk out of a shop with one on the back of their shirt and had no idea.

Oh my god wait no though the crab headband sounds perfect? Do you happen to have a pic handy, I need to see this masterpiece.

Yeah! I took a picture to send to a friend a little while ago, hang on--

[It takes a few moments of fiddling with the Gear before Dave will receive a ping to his inbox with the picture in question. This poor headband is so off-brand it would make China wince. The plastic is a hideous puke-green, the eye paint was printed on so far off the mold that the poor thing has become a cyclops, and the oversized pinchers (which are fused together but still have a screw in for a hinge for some reason) dangle sadly from wire springs that were never meant to support that much weight.]

I have no idea what they were thinking, making this thing.

It's beautiful. I'm. Dude, I may cry. [Cry LAUGHING, maybe.] That's even better than the Burger Slowking crown I got for him, god damn. Could you send that up this way, if you manage to find it again?

[Al's having trouble holding in his own laughter, and sniggers a bit before he can reply properly.]

I'll go looking again later! There were a bunch of them, I can send you a pair if you want!

Christ, could you? If Karkat doesn't want his, Jade and I'll go matchsies and it'll be just as sweet.

No problem! Heck, I could get three and you can sneak them onto him while he's sleeping.

[Shark House has clearly been a horrible, horrible influence on this child.]

[Dave laughs aloud.]

Dude, I like the way you think. Should I trade you anything for them, I'm pretty much swimming in farming supplies and products.

Is it a 'fruits and veggies' kind of farm, or 'rearing animals for their products' kind?

Mostly the second. Do you like milk? I mean, minus respect points if you do, that shit is gross, but it's my employers' main export here as far as I can tell.

[...it's like he never left home.]

Okay, what exactly is so horrible about milk?

Um, it's gross? It tastes like...yeugh. [He shudders and makes a face.] And it makes your Honey Nut Cheeri-bros sad and soggy as hell and I just can't be having with it, on so many levels.

Wh--you're supposed to have cereal with milk, what else are you going to pour in it?

[He's going to regret that question.]

And sure, skim milk is weird, but whole milk tastes perfectly fine!

They're both disgusting biznasty. Skim milk is like weird white water, and whole milk, like. What the fuck. It's so...the texture is weird, and it's sweet in a weird way, and it's...it's weird.

[When words fail, my dude.]

Why would I pour any of that in my cereal, ever.

[Al groans out a long sigh, shaking his head.]

So what, you just eat it dry?

Yes??

[PROBLEM, BUB????]

7 ∅ [Video/Action for Route 39]

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