victory_road | 7 ∅ [Video/Action for Route 39]

[The broadcast begins, but there's an unintended second or two of jostling before Dave gets the camera set up the way he wants. The cause: He's outside, for once, leaning against a tree to get out of the noontime sun. He looks...actually pretty content, if slightly sunburned. It's fading, at least. The straw cowboy hat he's resting on his chest must be doing some good.]

Howdy, y'all--[He breaks character immediately for a snicker.] Christ, okay, never let me say anything like that again. Anyway. For those of you unused to human custom, we got a time-honored tradition of embarrassing people publicly on the day they emerged gross and wailing into existence.

[He shifts so he can dig a folded piece of paper out from his pocket and opens it. A Ponyta nearby wanders over to check out what he's doing, then blows into his hair and walks off again to watch over the Miltank they're rounding up. The corner of Dave's mouth turns up.]

This one goes out to a special dude on his special day. He knows who he is. P.S., it's Karkat.

[One breath in, and then:]

Okay,
D.J. Strider here.

[Oh god he's gonna rap.]

I gotta take the time to make a June declaration
On my sanctioned lunch break from bovine aggregation
Since we've all been re-stationed to make reparations
To this fucked-up earthquaked Pokémon nation:
Congratulations! On the commemoration of your buggy origination
The germination, gestation, and ex-cavern relocation
And the perpetuation of your person-ization
To the tune of eight sweeps of EXP accumulation
By my admittedly shitty estimation, (leave some room for deviation).
So, yeah, in celebration I propose a coronation--

[And he lifts his hat to reveal: A Burger Slowking cardboard crown and a shit-eating grin.]

For my favorite crustacean on his wriggling day,
And if y'all answer to Cancer make sure to say hey.

[...Okay maybe he's done. For now. Dave puts the hat and crown aside and starts braiding little wildflowers together.]

We'll be accepting donations of birthday cake and child-friendly toys at the MooMoo Farm, care of Dave Strider.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[ Wow. That's not okay. ]

Oh.
Hmm.
Perhaps the hard work and how incredibly charming you are will earn you a discount.

is that what you say to all the boys

Depends.
On a scale of rank moldy cheese to liquid sex, how would you rate that line?

springing it by surprise like that works ok but i wouldnt use it on someone you earnestly intend to seduce

Got it. I'll refrain from repeating it to any and all potential future receivers of my horrible affections.

come on dude youre not that bad
im sure anyone would be lucky to be on the receiving end of your shitty attempts at flirting

I doubt that would be considered lucky.

is this about jake

Fuck.
What?
No.

Yes.
I don't know.
Honestly, the amount of shit in my shitty attempts with him were so deplorable that I shouldn't be allowed to flirt with anyone again.
This doesn't even matter right now. I'm not trying to get with anyone here, nor would I even trust myself to.
How desperate did I just sound that you immediately went there?
I can't believe I ruined a pony conversation with my bullshit.

the greatness of ponies isnt going anywhere dude we can get back to ponies in a minute
i just want to assure you that all humans commit unspeakable idiocies in our teenage years particularly when it comes to mackin on other teenagers
did other dave tell you about terezi

My idiocies probably shouldn't be compared to those of a normal human.

You did not.
You had a thing with Terezi?
She had no awkward tension around you.
I was under the impression Other Dave was singularly invested in Karkat.
Possibly Jade because she mentioned something about kissing you with kitty lips at one point?
But I honestly don't think you knew what the fuck that was about either.
I suppose I never asked about your prior relations.

yeah that sounds like some kind of shenanigans that im never going to know anything about so i might as well put asking out of my mind
back to terezi
yeah we fooled around for a while
now that i think about it i think john said something about making sure that didnt happen in the timeline youre from?
so there you have it
my sole romantic dalliance before my young and untimely end was such a boneheaded idea that she had my best friend write it out of existence
you could even say that maybe my desperate attempt at straight up heterosexuality ended the whole fucking universe
you cant honestly say youve got anything on that

Holy shit, Dave.
John's likely misinterpreting something if that's what he said.
Only Terezi would really know the answer to that one,
But I doubt she would intentionally steer clear of being able to kiss your face.
Lick your face?
I'm picturing very wet kisses.

You win.
I have never wondered if I ended the universe with my disgrace of a relationship.
Can I ask why?
Why it didn't work out with you two?
Assuming that ceased before the universe in question self-destructed.

bro im not discussing the qualitative traits of smooches ive participated in with you

anyway
as to why it didnt work out
i mean probably youd have to ask terezi to get the full picture because fuck knows i barely understand my own side of shit most days
but knowing me
and knowing her
most likely it had something to do with our shared high level inability to communicate sincerely worth a mashed grubrunts shitty fart
which only got worse to the nth power when we put ourselves together
and was exacerbated by circumstances like my blatant refusal to discuss anything serious ever and her hate dating a fucking murderclown on the side
and our groups general downward spiral over three bleak ass years getting chased by deathdogs in space

Oh.
. . . There was a murderclown with you guys?

So,
Communication is our area to seek improvement in.

gamzee
i dont want to get into it
so yes communication is probably our growing edge or whatever the self help buzzwords are these days
old news probably

I wouldn't expect you to.
Clowns are universally awful and I'll assume that's all there really is to say on the matter.

Old news. It's old enough to retire and move to Flordia.
Live on one of those fucking houseboats that are financially impractical for someone of that age and fixed income level.
It would be surprising if someone was surprised by this news.
There was a pep talk hidden in here, I think.
I'm not entirely sure proving your life may have been a bigger shitshow relationship-ways in the past was the best method,
But I appreciate it nonetheless.

if i couldnt flip an attempt at comforting encouragement into a bullshit competition nobody wanted over whos more fucked up id have to turn in my strider lalonde pedigree
i worked hard for those credentials man
gotta all
keep the dna in my cells replicating and shit
its a constant struggle i tell you
anyway for real im pretty sure you cant be that bad since youre so like
hypervigilant about your potential badness
so maybe i dunno chill a little and give yourself some credit? i promise you seem not that horrible so far

As the undeniable source of that being introduced into the family, I can confirm that your credentials are legit.
Good job.

[ how the fuck do you chill out a little ]
I'll give it a shot.

good man
keep me looped in re the results k

Ok.
Expect full updates on my level of internal chill.

in haiku

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