victory_road | ☆74☆ [Video]

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☆74☆ [Video]

[On this mild first afternoon of November, the feed opens to a porch, where a Clefairy, who can usually be seen wearing a rose ear clip but today is wearing a whole bouquet of roses arranged in a flower crown, is seated on a table, eating dango to her heart's content.

There are multiple empty boxes next to her, and more on the other side that haven't been touched. Where does she put it all, the world may never know. She'll probably be here a while, though.

From behind the camera, though, Ryner starts talking.]

...You know, since it's been seven years today and all, I should probably have some kind of inspirational speech prepared about how far we've come or something. But I dunno, I'm not really any good at that stuff. So I don't really have one, sorry.

I guess what I will say, though, is, ahh... I don't regret it, being here. And if a even a useless guy like me can do enough to make Rose happy, and the others...

[The Clefairy, finishing her latest stick of dango, blinks at the camera before sweetly giving it the most adorable smile she can muster.]

Even if it all changes tomorrow, if I can do this much right now... Maybe that's enough. You know?

...Ahh, sorry, I'm probably not making much sense, huh. I'm way behind on sleep... But I guess what I'm saying is, I don't know what tomorrow will bring, and if you told me I could choose where I'd be tomorrow, I don't know what I'd decide...

...But I'm glad I'm here today.

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*it's unfortunately not much of a comfort to Sion, exactly. He's afraid; for himself, yes, but also at the thought of potentially harming his friends. He'd rather die before that. But it's... complicated and he doesn't even know where to begin explaining (assuming he's even inclined to try) so what could he possibly say?*

......

I'd rather be alone at the end than take you down with me, Ryner.

*spoken quietly*

...It's not any comfort, but I've already decided who's going to be the one to kill me, and you're not that person.

[while he's failing at this all over the place and knows it, might as well be blunt about this point too]

I doubt I'd be in any state to respect your choice in the matter.

*does that sound harsh? maybe a little, though it's probably directed at himself, really*

....

Though at least Lucile's promised that he'll kill me if I break like that.

[...Oh.

Well.

...

That's.

Not. Unexpected, honestly.

He'd believe it, of Lucile, to do that.

He'd believe it, of Lucile, to be strong enough physically.

(Mentally, too, probably.)

He can't exactly say he doesn't understand why Sion would have those arrangements in place, given. You know. His own.

~~Leave it to an Eris to assure you a mercy kill if the worst happens, apparently.~~

He doesn't like it... but he can't protest it. It's Sion's decision, and Ryner would be a hypocrite to tell him off for it, and besides the reason is sound.

Doesn't mean he likes it, though.]

...He has, huh.

It's better than the alternative.

*and if Sion can ensure that the royal line dies with him... well, it might not stop the Hero from being reincarnated again, but at least it wouldn't be because he went and brought a child into the world just to suffer that same fate*

Sometimes I wonder why he hasn't al--

*aaand he catches himself, realizes who he's talking to just a moment too late. which perhaps says something in itself of how little he talks about these things with anyone...*

[See, he can understand the thought that dying is better than losing oneself and killing everyone one loves. See also, his own arrangements (that he hopes Ferris will never have to make good on). He might not like that Sion is at the point where he's making those considerations, but he understands.

...But then there's that unfinished statement.

And it's one thing to have plans in place just in case. It's another to imply...

Ryner's hand is shaking a little now. He hasn't noticed. When he speaks, it's barely above a whisper.]

...Is that what you want?

*well, there's no taking back what he's said now, is there? And the most damning part about it is that it is a genuine sentiment, something he truly thinks and never intended to let slip like that.

Still not looking up, his response is almost as quiet*

...

I don't know.

[...well, 'I don't know' is a preferable answer over 'yes'.

Still not a good answer, but not the one he was fearing...]

...And there's nothing I can do to help swing that closer to 'no', I'm guessing.

*were it not for his years in Johto and how much he's come to care about his life here, it probably would have been much closer to 'yes'. But still, thinking about what he has to return to...

...well, in any case, he's quiet for a good while before finally replying*

If Roland didn't need me...

*if he could just in good conscience stay here...

but that wasn't going to happen. especially not for someone like him*

I... don't regret my choice. But when it's all over, when I'm no longer needed.....

*... is it really so wrong for him to want his suffering to end?*

["If Roland didn't need me". "When I'm no longer needed".

What right does that goddamned country have to cause his friend so much pain just because it needs his existence?

No, not just the country. The world. The Goddesses. The Hero (and the Demon, too, let's be real here, he's not the worst but he's not exactly innocent in this either). All of the bothersome, messy things that won't leave reasonable people who are just trying to go through their lives alone.

Sion deserves better than that.

And not for the first time, Ryner's thoughts turn to whether there might be a way to guarantee that Sion can do what he must - because he's an idiot who won't be happy unless he can make sure he finishes what he started - and then return here for the rest of his days and never have to worry about it again. That Ryner could go back too, for a time, to do whatever the hell he's needed for - because he's run away for long enough, and if nothing else he's pretty sure he can't really trust Vois with all of this mess - and then return here forever. That Ferris can return here too, when all is said and done. That everything can be dealt with, and then the three of them can just spend their days together in a better world without worry.

If only his eyes worked in this world for more than a few chaotic days at a time, when remembering what happened during them is always a crap shot. Surely, if he just had time to study how it worked...

But that would just be asking too much, wouldn't it.

It's all just so... bothersome. So exhausting.

It's starting to take everything he had not to just excuse himself and go to bed. (He's not entirely kidding when he claims his narcolepsy is a medical condition, even if even he might not realize the truth in his own statements.)

But he'll stay. He'll stay, and he'll stay awake, because he has to try.]

...Ignoring whether or not it's possible for a second... If you could go back and finish what you had to, but then come back here for the rest of your days...?

[He doesn't finish the question, but it's implied.]

...

*the problem, of course, is that Sion's sense of despair predates even certain.... questionable decisions on his part. What is there to hope for, for someone who's already lost and been hurt so much as he has?*

I don't know.

*... at least it's honest?*

...Even the impossible isn't enough, huh.

[Honestly doesn't make it hurt any less.

If Sion isn't even sure if the Pokemon are enough to stick around for, even in an impossible future where everything is tied up nicely and Roland no longer needs him and he can be here and never go back and never have to worry that it will need him again...

Goddammit all. Sion is the person who gave Ryner, an existence who almost everyone (except the people who actually matter) would say should never have been born in the first place, the way to find some semblance of meaning in his own life. Sion deserves far better than everything he's ever had to deal with.

And Ryner can't do a damned thing to help him, can he. No matter how much he actually tries.]

*Sion doesn't know what to say. Saying this much was a fluke, an accidental slip of something he'd never intended to voice aloud. Maybe this place was getting to him.

Or maybe those nightmares stirred those feelings that had always been there, just buried deeply enough that he could go day to day without even thinking about it most the time.

But it had been said and there's no taking it back now. And maybe, just maybe, since he's been so insistent on knowing things lately, it wouldn't hurt for Ryner to know...*

... It's not that.

*spoken softly, yet audibly*

It's not whether something's "enough". I... even if everything were settled in Roland, that's almost all I'd ever wanted. And all that I still had some chance of doing. But...

*it's possible, as he speaks, that there might just be something like the start of tears forming in the corners of his eyes*

But there isn't any going back, and some things probably aren't possible anymore. So in that case... maybe it'd be all right to finally stop there...

What things aren't possible anymore?

[The hand that isn't shaking, the one that's still holding the notebook, grips it tighter.]

*...okay, that's getting just a little beyond what he has the nerve to go into as things stand right now... so for now he just goes quiet, squeezing his eyes shut*

[...aaand too far. There he goes, messing up again.]

...I don't know anything, and I know that. But if you... There are a lot of things that would only become impossible if...

[His voice is wavering.]

......

*yeah, it takes a little bit before he says anything*

What do you want me to say, Ryner? I'm tired of it. Of that corrupt world. Even if I can change it, I can't bring back what's already gone...

*there's almost definitely a suspiciously watery look to his eyes, or at least what corners can be seen of them*

What do you want me to say, Sion? That I'm okay with the thought of you wanting to die??

[...yup, that was definitely a tear.]

That's why I didn't want to say anything.

*because he knew that knowing would hurt Ryner*

[It's a little late for that now.

...is what he doesn't say.]

...What am I supposed to do?

I don't know...

... It's not your fault.

[He makes a kind of non-committal noise at that.

Whether or not he's going to blame himself anyway - not for Sion having these thoughts, but for not being a good enough friend to be able to help him not have them - he doesn't say.]

*he better not, Sion has been deliberately hiding this from him, after all...

after a few moments of silence, he speaks up again*

... I don't want to leave you, either, Ryner, but...

*but he still feels the way he feels, he can't explain why, but there it is*

[It's another minute or so before Ryner manages to speak again.]

...I just... I want to help you. But I don't know how, and...

[and he can't help but wonder if this is yet another thing he screwed up by being so lazy throughout his life

if he'd been a little more proactive, would he have figured out what to do by now?]

Maybe there's some things no one can help.

*that's... certainly how it feels to Sion, much of the time*

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