victory_road | 1st Recipe [New Bark Town, Video/Action]

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1st Recipe [New Bark Town, Video/Action]

[Video]

[There are a lot of things you don't expect when you're Jane Crocker. You don't expect the entire world to shift scenes in the blink of an eye, floating in the ruins of a golden moon one second and waking up in what looks to be a normal, sunny bedroom the next. You don't expect some woman whom you've never seen before in your entire life to come in, claim to be your mother, shove a backpack into your arms and kick you out of the house with vague directions to a - a laboratory? And you certainly don't expect to be given what you're darn tootin' sure is a Pokeball once you get there, and as soon as you go, are again booted out towards the only dirt road outta town: Route 29.

So forgive her if she spent the last night in town, pounding on the door of her "mother"'s house and demanding to be let back in and given an explanation. When her video comes on this morning, it shows a very tired, bespectacled teenage girl with prominent buck teeth looking about 110% done with everything around her.]

...Okay, it's on. I think. [She squints, as if looking for something on the Pokegear to in fact indicate it is on, before continuing.] Um...hello? I'm basically going on a hunch that this...weird thing can be used as a communicator of sorts. Almost like FaceTime on a smartphone, right? I-I really hope so, or else I'm making calls into the goshdarned aether. [She sighs, shaking her head.] Anyway. If someone out there knows exactly how someone can wake up in what should very well be a video game that isn't supposed to suck you into a virtual reality, and if there's a way for me to leave, I'd greatly appreciate it. I...was sort of in the middle of something. [A look of hesitance crosses her face, as if...she may be asking to go back, but she sure as fuck doesn't want to at the moment.] I'll be in this...New Bark Town place for a little longer, if you need to know where I am.

- Oh, and, one more thing? [The video blurs as it shifts to a very pink creature that's quietly munching on some trail mix by Jane's side.] Not that she isn't cute, but, um...is this really a Pokemon?

[Action]

[True to her word, Jane lingers in town for the day. The pink Pokemon - Audino, her Pokedex has explained - seems happy to sit nearby and play with the hood on her unusual attire. This seems to be proving endearing enough to get Jane to smile despite herself, but given how warily she looks at the natives, it seems she'd do well with some sort of human conversation that doesn't tend to repeat itself.]

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OK I STILL THINK YOU HUMANS MAKE SHIT MORE COMPLICATED THAN IT NEEDS TO BE BUT WHATEVER. NOT MY PROBLEM. I GUESS IF IT MAKES SENSE TO YOU THAT'S GOOD ENOUGH.

FOR ALL WE KNOW THERE'S AN INFINITE PROGRESSION OF THIS SHIT. I MEAN, THE POINT OF THE GAME IS LITERALLY TO CREATE A WHOLE NEW FUCKING UNIVERSE AND IT'S BEEN PROVEN TIME AND TIME AGAIN THAT TIME ITSELF (HA FUCKING HA) IS IRRELEVANT AS FAR AS THIS WHOLE SYSTEM IS CONCERNED.
THERE MAY NOT EVEN *BE* A STARTING POINT AND IT'S SHELLBEASTS ALL THE WAY DOWN. OR FROGS, WHATEVER.
BUT FROM OUR PERSPECTIVE IT'S JUST THOSE FOUR UNIVERSES THAT MATTER. AND I GUESS WHATEVER UNIVERSE IS CREATED AT THE END OF ALL THIS.
YES THE SCRATCH IS A HARD RESET. IT'S LIKE THOSE GAMES WITH RANDOMLY GENERATED LEVELS, YOU KNOW? YOU HAVE A CERTAIN NUMBER OF SET PIECES AND SOME OTHER FIXED PARAMETERS THE GAME HAS TO FOLLOW SO THAT EVERYTHING WORKS THE WAY IT SHOULD, BUT ANYTHING NOT COVERED BY THOSE GUIDELINES CAN DO WHATEVER THE FUCK IT WANTS
AND I GUESS BY DEFINITION THE PLAYERS AND THEIR ANCESTORS ARE THE SET PIECES? IT'S FUCKED UP NO MATTER HOW YOU LOOK AT IT.

JUST DON'T ASK HIM ABOUT NICHOLAS CAGE OR ANY OF THE OTHER BOWEL MOVEMENTS MASQUERADING AS CINEMA HE'S OBSESSED WITH AND YOU SHOULD BE FINE, PROBABLY. HE'S KIND OF TOLERABLE BESIDES THAT.

If you insist.

God, it's not so much "fucked up" as it is sort of hopeless sounding when put that way.
I mean, I have my own hopes and dreams, as I'm certain all of us in this situation do. Does the game, and our fated involvement, mean that none of that...matters?
We're all just pawns on a board no matter what?

I'm not partial to Nicholas Cage.
If John is, he

[This part out of everything is the hardest and most awkward to write.]

He probably.
Got it from Jake.
If that's a thing you can genetically inherit.

I GUESS
TO A CERTAIN EXTENT, PROBABLY. I MEAN WE'RE EXERTING FREE WILL WITHIN THE CONFINES OF THE GAME
SO YES OUR ASPIRATIONS FOR ANYTHING OUTSIDE OF THAT MEAN JACK SHIT. THERE'S NO WAY ANY OF US CAN ACHIEVE OUR DREAM JOB IN OUR HOME UNIVERSES AFTER WE'VE BEEN BOOTED OUT OF THEM, THAT MUCH IS OBVIOUS
AND THEN WITHIN THE GAME ITSELF, IT SORT OF
OK THIS IS VEERING INTO MORE SHIT WE SHOULD TALK ABOUT AFTER YOU'VE FINISHED ADJUSTING BUT I'LL JUST SAY THAT A LOT MORE OF OUR ACTIONS THAN YOU'D THINK AFFECT THE OUTCOME OF THIS BULLSHIT AND ARE THEREFORE RESTRICTED IN SOME SENSE
BUT WE ONLY EVER DISCOVER THAT AFTER THE FACT, SO IT'S KIND OF POINTLESS?
I DON'T KNOW, I'VE HAD THREE YEARS TO TRY AND PROCESS THIS AND IT'S STILL FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE
THERE ARE SO MANY WRONG TURNS WE COULD HAVE TAKEN, DIFFERENT CHOICES THAT WOULD HAVE LED US SOMEWHERE ELSE AND ULTIMATELY TOWARD FAILURE
AND I GUESS IT'S KIND OF REASSURING THAT WE COULD HAVE MADE THOSE CHOICES AT ALL? BUT THE CONSEQUENCES FOR DOING SO WHEN WE WOULDN'T HAVE EVEN FUCKING KNOWN BETTER ARE SO LUDICROUS
THERE'S LITERALLY NOTHING KEEPING US FROM IRREVOCABLY SCREWING OURSELVES OVER BUT CHANCE AND CIRCUMSTANCE
AND EVEN THAT COUNTS FOR BASICALLY NOTHING AT THIS STAGE.

[............. uh. Fuck.]

LOOK CAN YOU JUST FORGET I SAID ALL OF THAT. I'M
A LOT OF THIS HITS TOO CLOSE FOR A LOT OF REASONS AND I SHOULDN'T UNLOAD IT ALL ON YOU. SORRY.
AGAIN I HAD THREE FUCKING YEARS TO THINK ABOUT ALL OF THIS AND IT HASN'T GOTTEN ANY EASIER TO DEAL WITH. THAT'S ALL.

[R i g h t, that's the only problem. Really.

Fuck.]

WHO'S JAKE.

[Fucking crapsauce goddamn it.]

No, no, I'm sorry I...did it again.
I'll answer your last question, but after that we should probably just stick to talking about Pokemon.
I...don't really want to say anything about how futile that makes it all sound.

[Fuck Sburb FUCK SBURB she knows there's no way back but really, truly, fuck Sburb]

Jake is from our session.
I guess he's the other half of the genetics for John and Jade, if the weird relation thing is in play?
Which is really awkward and the LAST thing I want to think about ever again, so. We need to cheer up. It's Pokemon time!!!

HEY NO LIKE I SAID IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT. YOU HAVE NO WAY OF KNOWING ANY OF THIS SHIT IS A GODDAMN ISSUE WITHOUT TOLD SO
SERIOUSLY IT'S FINE. AND WE'LL TALK ABOUT IT LATER AFTER YOUR STRIDER FILLS YOU IN, I GUESS? I MEAN IF YOU WANT TO. OBVIOUSLY IT'S UP TO YOU SO
FUCK. ANYWAY, RIGHT. POKÉMON.

[...]

BUT UH FOR WHAT IT'S WORTH
I MEAN ABOUT JAKE AND YOU AND JOHN AND JADE
I'M GLAD JADE SEEMS TO TAKE MORE AFTER YOU, THEN. YOU SEEM A LOT MORE SENSIBLE

[HAHA OKAY THAT'S ENOUGH EMOTIONS FOR NOW, TIME TO MOVE ON.]

THIS IS POUNCE.

[Yes, he's elected to spam Jane with more pictures, this time of a bewildered-looking Shinx who has apparently entangled herself in a whole damn roll of toilet paper. Nearby, just barely in frame, an exasperated Gligar looks on.]

AND LESATH. SHE'S EVOLVED SINCE THEN BUT I THINK HE NEEDS A STONE OR SOMETHING? I DON'T GET WHY SOME DO AND SOME DON'T, IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE.

Yes. Pokemon.
And, um. Thanks. I suppose. I'm...glad to know THAT much before I meet Jade in person, actually.
Shouldn't be too awkward to meet her, when you put it like that.

[Okay let's stop being idiot goobers and coo at the animal blog-worthy cuteness that is Karkat's many photos.]

Hoo hoo hoo! Looks like somebody had a little too much fun, huh? :B
I'm not sure why some need stones and some don't. I do remember that being a game mechanic though.
There was that Moon Stone thing, and you could use it to evolve...oh, which ones?
Clefairy, Jigglypuff, and the Nidorans I think.
And then I think there were a couple that needed to be traded in order to evolve, which is silly.
You don't even have the creature anymore unless you trade it back!

[.... Riiiiight, when they met. Holy shit, okay, no more of that.]

SHE'S TOO PLAYFUL FOR HER OWN GOOD SOMETIMES. I MEAN SHE'S SORT OF LESS OF A HANDFUL NOW, BUT EFURRY NOW AND THEN SHE PULLS SHIT LIKE THAT.

[...... OH MY GOD fuck fucking fuck1]

I MEAN EVERY. HAHA, TYPOS.
UH ANYWAY YEAH I REMEMBER SOMETHING LIKE THAT COMING UP. I GUESS IT'S SORT OF A VIDEO GAME STAPLE, REALLY, HUNTING FOR SPECIAL ITEMS TO UNLOCK THE "ULTIMATE" VERSION OF WHATEVER BUT IT SEEMS REALLY FUCKING TEDIOUS.
AT LEAST NOT ALL OF THEM ARE LIKE THAT. AND NOT ALL OF MY POKÉMON CARE TOO MUCH ABOUT IT, EXCEPT ZANIAH.

[... Helpful photo. Zaniah seems to be in the midst of primping for the camera, whatever good that does. How do ghost Pokémon work? No one knows.]

TRADING TO TRIGGER EVOLUTIONS SHOULD BE EASY HERE THOUGH, SINCE YOU'LL PROBABLY KNOW THE PERSON YOU'RE TRADING WITH.

[Efurry. Oh my God. Cue the Fefetasprite flashbacks - at least those make her smile. Sweet, precious Fefeta!]

I guess so.
And then if it's just for evolution, you can always trade the Pokemon back.

Oh, she's pretty! What kind is Zaniah?

[Holy shit, never mention Fefetasprite to him, he will cry so many tears. ThaT aside—]

A MISDREAVUS. GHOST TYPE, WHICH I STILL DON'T UNDERSTAND WHEN SHE HATCHED OUT OF A FUCKING EGG, BUT WHATEVER. GAME MECHANICS. WHY NOT HAVE GHOSTS HATCH OUT OF EGGS!
I NEED A DUSK STONE FOR HER, I THINK. AND A THUNDER STONE FOR MY PIKACHU.

[Here, have another heartwarming picture, this time of a very happy Pikachu hugging (??? can ghost types be hugged, are they even semi-corporeal, what the hell is this) a trying-very-hard-not-to-smile Misdreavus. Because biffles.]

LET ME KNOW IF YOU WANT ME TO STOP SENDING PICTURES BY THE WAY. YOU'LL PROBABLY MEET ALL OF THEM WHENEVER WE MEET UP ANYWAY.

[RIGHT LET'S LEAVE HER BE. SWEET DEAR PRECIOUS FEFETA.]

Oh no, by all means, you can send me as many pictures as you like! I'm enjoying them, they all make me smile.
I'm sorry I don't nearly have as many to send you in return.

But, overall, it looks like you've got a very happy little group of Pokemon!
They also seem like they can be a handful, though.

HEY YOU JUST GOT HERE, IT'S FINE
AND UH. I'M GLAD YOU'RE ENJOYING THEM

[Holy fuck why is this conversation happening to him. Or, rather, why is this specific part of the conversation happening to him, he doesn't deserve this. Uh, probably. You know what, he's just going to ignore it, WHAT A GOOD IDEA..]

THEY CAN BE SOMETIMES, BUT THEY'RE USUALLY PRETTY GOOD. I THINK THEY'VE OUTGROWN MOST OF IT ANYWAY. IT'S BEEN MONTHS SINCE I FIRST GOT THEM.

Exactly!
I'm quite enjoying seeing Pokemon I've never heard of before. It's kind of exciting! And if I'm going to be here for any length of time, I'd like to know what I'm dealing with.

Months, huh? So how long ago did you arrive here, exactly?

UH. FUCK. IT WAS... THAT ONE MONTH. VALENTINE'S DAY IS IN IT? IT WAS BASICALLY VALENTINE'S DAY WHEN I ARRIVED AND I KNOW THAT'S THE SECOND MONTH FOR YOU SO
FIVE MONTHS.
YOUR FUCKING CALENDAR STILL DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE TO ME BUT WHATEVER.

That's February. So yes, five months.
I'm assuming the calendar is different for trolls?

YES THE ONE WITH THE EVEN MORE RIDICULOUS NAME THAN THE REST OF THEM. THAT ONE.
WE MEASURE BY SEASONS AND PERIGEES AND SO ON. YOU KNOW, LIKE AN ACTUALLY FUCKING SENSIBLE SPECIES.
YOUR DATES, MEANWHILE, ARE COMPLETELY FUCKING ARBITRARY AND TELL NOTHING TO NO ONE TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT POINT IN YOUR YEAR A PARTICULAR DATE ACTUALLY FALLS WITH RESPECT TO YOUR ACTUAL PLANETARY ORBIT.
YOUR "YEARS" MAKE SENSE AND I AM GRATIFIED BEYOND BELIEF THAT YOUR HAVE TWELVE "MONTHS" TO BEGIN WITH, BUT THE WAY THEY'RE DIVIDED? WHO THE FUCK WAS IN CHARGE OF THAT. DO YOU EVEN KNOW?

And it has an extra day tacked onto it every four years.
It's very weird.

Hmm. As I recall, there are actually a few different calendars that societies on Earth would go by.
I think they all tried to match up with the cycles of the moon, or the positions of stars, or just the plain old seasons.
But then the Romans introduced a calendar of their own, and since they had taken over a majority of the civilized world a long time ago, that stuck - and then the Christians changed THAT one, and since that was the religion that made up a third of the population of Earth, it kind of stuck.
There's still holidays carried over from a lot of older beliefs that got twisted and changed, and I suppose they could be markers of where the months are supposed to go.
You know, things like Easter and Christmas and Halloween...

Oh, goodness! I've went and typed up a whole ramble on it. Sorry, I guess my mind got away from me for a minute there!
Basically, the short version is: one calendar system beat out the others to be most prevalent, and nobody's bothered to change it in a very long time.

Edited 2016-08-17 02:51 (UTC)

[... AGAIN, HE IS REMINDED VERY STRONGLY OF DIRK. Holy shit, these fucking nerds. John springs to mind, too, just a bit, except this is way less aggravating than dissertations on Ghostbusters or whatever and wow he is not telling Jane this ever.]

OK THAT SOUNDS REALLY FUCKING COMPLICATED BUT YOUR SUMMARY GETS THE POINT ACROSS.
BASICALLY HUMANS ARE RIDICULOUS AND CAN'T AGREE ON ANYTHING UP UNTIL SOME FUCKING OBNOXIOUS MAJORITY FORCES EVERYONE TO DO THINGS THEIR WAY, ALL WHILE PAYING LIP SERVICE TO WHATEVER THE MINORITY WANTED JUST TO SHUT UP ANY DISSENTERS AND PRETEND THEY'RE BEING INCLUSIVE AND LISTENING TO OTHER PEOPLE'S OPINIONS. RIGHT?

[Honestly, what else would you expect from the only one out of the Alpha kids who probably most likely attended school for any length of time? Relative booksmarts, it is her.]

Uh...yes, actually.
You hit the nail on the head, at least in that sort of light.

[Neeeeeeeeeeeeeerd.]

TYPICAL HUMANS, THEN. OR I GUESS TYPICAL ANYONE.
MAYBE NOT AS MUCH WITH TROLLS ON A LARGE SCALE BECAUSE OF THE FUCKING HEMOSPECTRUM, BUT I'VE SEEN SIMILAR SHIT PLAY OUT IN SMALL GROUPS. SO I GUESS OUR SPECIES HAVE THAT IN COMMON.

I guess so.
A shame that it keeps happening.

[What the fuck is a hemospectrum - wait no that can wait for another day.]

PEOPLE ARE ASSHOLES NO MATTER WHAT THE SPECIES, I GUESS. LIKE THAT'S ANY REAL FUCKING SURPRISE.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

1st Recipe [New Bark Town, Video/Action]

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[Text] also wow those typos and html fuckery adflkjsgdh

[Text] don't worry about it at all okay idgaf as long as it's legible

[Text] cries

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[Text] sorry my unabashed love for anything remotely anthropological is showing

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