victory_road | text | anon as possible

[He has to put a hand on Jean's shoulder, there. Has to reach out and physically contact him. As soon as he hears that little crack.]

When you saw me there... I lost everyone. My whole team. I couldn't go back for them.

[He had to make a difference somehow. He had to help someone. It's as true now as ever before. He's been in a real battle. And even then... you didn't leave your teammates. He couldn't leave his teammates.]

... our commander once threw me into an escape pod, because I wouldn't leave her behind.

So of course I was going to go back for you. I had to.

[Jean's world probably would have killed him long ago, for that selfless habit.]

[Oh yeah, Shiro would've died in the first ten minutes of the Battle for Trost. He probably could have survived training intact, with that sympathetic, giving nature--Marco did--but when it came to real battle, it would have killed him. Even now, Jean thinks that's what probably killed Marco.]

[Shiro and Marco would like each other. Jean hopes against hope they get a chance to meet at some point.]

But that's the point, Shiro: you didn't have to. It would have been smarter not to.

[If the monsters in Shiro's dreams had been occupied with Jean, it would have given Shiro time to escape.]

So why are you so convinced that you left your team behind? Everything I've seen of you shows you leave no one behind. Not if there's anything you can do to prevent it.

It wouldn't have been smarter if it meant you got away.

[Not to him, anyway. To him, someone else's survival would always take priority. The good of everyone else being above his own well-being. It's just how he is. Just how he's been for as long as he can remember.]

[So yes. He did have to. Or he might have stayed alive, and then couldn't live with himself.]

I did -- as far as I knew back then... Matt and his father were still somewhere in wherever we were. [If he remembered them existing at all back then.] I didn't have a say in it, no.

But I ran. I... remember that now.

Is that what's bothering you so much?

[Jean leans over a little bit, bumping his shoulder against Shiro's.]

Because you ran?

No.

Matt already forgave me for that. And... I needed to hear it.

[There's a "but" in there, though. Because there always is. He closes his eyes for a moment, long enough for Luna to barge in, aggressively kneading his bare feet.]

I told you about the monsters. The ones who attacked the party.

That's good.

[Matt rises in Jean's esteem for that.]

[Fat Ice Dog, not to be outdone by a noisy little Meowth, blobs his way up onto the bed and into Jean's lap, where he can comfortably pat Jean with a flipper while nuzzling Shiro's side. Don't be sad, Black Triangle, it's okay! Look at all your friends who are here!]

Yeah, you did.

[take him as your second dad, Jean, you can do it.]

[He doesn't answer right away. Absorbing himself in scratching Luna behind the ears. And alternating between her and Fido. Europa would be here too, if she weren't rolling around outside with Kerberos.]

[... speaking of...]

I felt... I felt like it was happening all over again. The ... that day we were taken.

Bright light. Monsters coming out of the sky. Trying to make sure everyone was safe.

[Difference being, they'd been able to fight back, this time. Matt fought back. No one was taken. No one is captive and hurting. But still--]

Oh. Oh, shit.

[Jean knows this feeling a little too well, and he wraps an arm around Fido.]

I know what that's like.

[Deep breath.]

It happened to me once, too. Me and Armin. It was a holiday, and they were shooting off fireworks. We hadn't been here very long, and didn't know what it was, and...

[And it had sounded like cannons.]

I tackled Armin into a snowbank.

... You just reacted. Because it was too close to something else.

[He says it quietly. Thoughtfully. It really does sound familiar. Like how every time he tried to think about that day, that night, his brain short-circuited. How trying to talk to Keith about it had resulted in something so real, he could have sworn he was there.]

[One hand squeezes Jean's shoulder again. It's okay. He's here. He's got you.]

I'm sorry. You shouldn't... have to know what this is. What it feels like.

Yeah, exactly. I heard the fireworks, and I just... reacted.

[Much like Shiro did, it sounds like.]

We went back into the hotel and drank hot chocolate and I'm pretty sure we both got the shakes. [Jean laughs a little.] I wanted Fisch to spend the night in my room with me, but he was too big. Even though I knew it wasn't cannons making the noise.

[Jean gently nudges Shiro in the ribs with his elbow.]

You shouldn't have to either. Nobody should.

It's ... yeah. I know it wasn't the Galra. I know they were just pokemon. Maybe scared, like Ford thinks. But...

[But now the nightmares have come back. Adding Jean and Armin and Newt and Sasha and Harry and Ford and so many others to the mix. He can't save them. They can't ever run fast or far enough and they keep calling and crying and they're going to die if he doesn't --]

[Luna's claws dig into his calves about the same time Jean digs a bony elbow into him.]

Sorry. What?

[It's a little scary, the way Shiro drifts off like that. That must be what it looks like when someone is getting trapped inside their own mind, and Jean wonders if he's ever done that to Armin or Bertolt. He probably has, and he should apologize to them for it.]

I said you shouldn't have to know what this is like. Remembering stuff like this.

[He pauses for a moment, long enough for Fat Ice Dog to pat a consoling flipper on Shiro's knee. There, there.]

I still don't like fireworks. But if I know they're coming, they don't bother me so much. Not anymore.

[It hasn't happened in a long time. Not since he first started using Haunter and its skills. It hadn't happened often back on the Castle either. But now... This is the third or fourth time since the Prom.]

[He pushes a hand through his hair.]

It is what it is, I guess. [More pets for the Spheal and Luna.] Are the voltorbs different for you? When they explode, I mean.

Yeah.

[Sadly, there aren't any Pokemon out there that actually eat memories, just dreams.]

They don't explode around me. Blitz knows I don't like it so when they're doing their exploding games, he makes them go somewhere else.

[Blitz is a good orb.]

If I know it's coming, though, and I can see the Voltorb that's going to do it? It doesn't bother me so much. Because I know it's just one of them, and that they're exploding because they want to be better at battle and protect someone.

I don't know how you do it with Blitz. But every time you tell me something like that, I feel really proud of you.

[More than usual even. Because let's face it, part of Jean's unofficial adoption is always being at leas a little proud of him.]

I can see how that would help, though. That it's meant differently than a cannon would be.

Pfffft...

[Okay, shit, now Jean's all flustered and flattered, and he flashes Shiro a quick, sidelong grin.]

He's not a bad Pokemon. He's just... challenging. Once you know how to work with him, it's not that hard.

[Being fast on your feet and dodging wayward zaps helps too.]

Yeah, it's pretty helpful. A Voltorb only explodes for someone it likes, to protect them. So it's almost comforting when they do it.

Maybe like how Haunter is purple, but Haunter's a friend, so that color purple is okay?

Challenging for people who aren't you. Probably.

[Come on Jean, take the compliment. He's not going to let that go.]

But, yeah. I get what you mean. Hard to be afraid when you know why they're doing something. When they want to protect something.

Purple isn't -- really all that bad. Otherwise I'd be jumping at grape juice.

[Jean snickers at the idea of Shiro flinching away from grape juice; it's a pretty funny mental image. But then he gets serious again.]

So what do you think it was about Prom that's making you remember?

[Jean's little laugh gets a brief smile out of him. Before he leans back. Looking at one of the star maps.]

... because it was the same way. When we were on Kerberos. The last day we were there.

How?

[It's asked with a surprising amount of gentleness; Jean knows a thing or two about memories you can't forget, after all.]

I've never been to space and I missed this last Prom. How were they the same?

[There's a long silence. While he makes an attempt to gather his thoughts together into something he wants to say. Something he can say. And when he does speak, it's quiet.]

We were excited. It was everything we were hoping for, out there. Everything according to plan.

And then... lights in the sky. Things coming down... we were running.

[A shake of his head. He pushes his hand through his hair.]

Prom was -- we were happy. And together and... then monsters came out of the sky all over again. Nothing we did helped. We couldn't fight them this time, either.

[Jean waits patiently while Shiro figures out what to say, quietly petting Fido and Luna as he does. When Shiro does speak up, he listens: not judging, not questioning, just listening. When it sounds like Shiro is done, only then does he respond.]

That must have been horrible, feeling like the same thing was happening all over again.

[Luna tolerates Jean's petting for a little while before returning to her ultimate duty. Yanking the spaceman back to reality as much as her tiny self can. She is rewarded with ear rubs.]

What's worse?

Keith found out and... I... think I hurt him. Telling him I didn't know how he could help. If he could help.

[He looks over at Jean, just -- plain exhausted.] I made someone who saved my life think he was useless. I couldn't... I can't do that to anyone else.

I can't let anyone else down like that.

[It's okay, Jean isn't offended: Luna is doing her job, and besides, if he pets her too much, it'll offend Sly, and his revenge will be swift and merciless.]

What did you tell him?

[For once, Jean is going to get more details before he jumps to conclusions.]

... just the truth. That there wasn't anything I could think of that he could do. He -- he wanted to stop things that had already happened.

[He shakes his head. Things like his and Matt's initial capture. Like what happened after. There just wasn't any way.]

[And yet he still feels like he let Keith down.]

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