victory_road

doesn't have to be my fault for me to sympathize

[It's not the time to argue, but Lance isn't going to let Shiro push him away. If anything, Shiro needs support right now and hasn't Shiro supported them all in their respective times of need?]

i will
when i get back

[Because someone isn't at home right now. No, someone is on his way to Cianwood and whenever Shiro deigns to arrive there, Lance will be sitting in front of the gym with Karma Charmeleon, his Charmander, holding a thermos between its ever warm paws.

Gotta keep the coffee hot somehow.]

What do you mean?

[But there's no real answer, given that Lance has already left. He's worried. Because of course he's worried. That message sounds ominous enough, in the midst of all this loss. So of course he's going to try calling back.]

[Several times.]

[In fact, he's calling again when he gets himself into Cianwood, looking like death warmed over -- which is what happens when you stop sleeping again -- and just. Stares.]

[Completely speechless.]

[There's no answer because Lance knows if he announced his plans Shiro would find a way to escape and that's not what Shiro needs right now. He's no Keith or Matt and he wouldn't even begin to try to be, but Shiro can't be alone right now. This, bringing coffee and being physically there, is all Lance can do.

The 'gear rings, but Lance doesn't move to pick it up. Besides, he can see Shiro from where he's camped out and raising a hand to wave, he waits for Shiro to come to him.]

Hey. Brought you some coffee. Figured you needed something hot.

[Damn it. When's the last time this guy slept? He looks worse than ever.]

[He last slept the day they disappeared, that's when. And it's taken him a while to make that announcement. So... you can do the math, Lance, buddy. He also knows he should be moving forward. He should go to meet him.]

[His jaw works. No sound comes out. His legs twitch. But he can't move forward.]

Hey... Lance.

[Hey, that's a start, right? He doesn't seem like he's upset, though. Not for a second. There's just. A lot of feelings here all at once.]

[Math was never one of his strong suits, so he'll pass on that, buddy. He just knows that by the sight of those dark circles it's been more than one sleepless night happening.

If Shiro isn't going to come to him, then Lance will just go to him. Rising up on those long legs, he makes quick work of the space between them with Karma waddling behind him and wraps his arms around this big Dorito dude. Someone needs a hug and it ain't Lance.

He just wishes he could do more than just a hug.]

[He should have guessed the hug was incoming. He knows Lance well enough. But today? Today it catches him off guard. For a few heartbeats, he stands there, in the middle of the street with leaves in his hair and circles under his eyes, stunned.]

[There's a tremor in his shoulders he can't stop.]

[And his arms loop around Lance. Tightly. One hand fisting into his shirt. It doesn't matter that this is all the teen feels like he can do. It doesn't matter in the least. He needs this.]

[He'd never ask for it in a thousand years. But he needs this.]

[Sometimes the hardest part isn't accepting help, but asking for it. Lance knows that all too well himself. It wouldn't be fair to make Shiro put his emotional storm into words when it'll all end in a hug anyway.

He feels the way Shiro trembles and holds on tight, letting Shiro squeeze as hard as he needs to. The words "It'll be okay." rise up in Lance's throat, but he swallows them down, knowing that for the moment, platitudes like that aren't welcome. It'll eventually be okay, just not now. Maybe not for a while.]

[No, it is not okay. It's absolutely not okay. They'd all been... happy. Out on the road. Finally exploring again. He'd admitted some things, Keith admitted some things. Romelle was getting to see a whole world beyond her own and... and...]

[His grip tightens.]

[Lance isn't going anywhere. Lance is still here. Him and Pidge and Hunk and Matt and Armin and Jean and Sasha and... everyone else they've met here. He needs to get it back together. For their sakes.]

Sorry -- I -- don't mean to make a mess.

[It's just raining on his face.]

[As long as it's in his control, Lance will be here. Of course, it's truly not, but he'd like to think that he is, so for the moment, he'll keep that idea in the forefront of his mind. Shiro doesn't need another one of them leaving. Allura has been gone for so long, now Keith and Romelle.

For their sakes? Shiro doesn't have to do anything for their sakes. The nice part about this place is that even if they get sent home, they all get a moment for a second chance at something. Maybe one day it'll be a second chance for Shiro to not take everyone as his personal responsibility, at least Lance hopes so.]

It's cool. It's laundry day anyway.

[Not the first time Lance has gotten snot on his clothes. Do you know how many times his niece and nephew have wiped their crying faces on him? Shiro's no big deal.

Pulling away slightly, but not enough to break the hug, Lance takes a good look at his leader and holds back the frown at what he's seeing. The man needs sleep, a shower, and probably a meal. Lance can help with one of those at least.]

Did you eat today?

Hah. Right.

[Laundry day. Sounds funny. In a dry, "I'm laughing to cope" kind of way. That's how Shiro is. How he's always been. He wants to believe he's in some kind of control, if only so the others don't have to worry. He got the house so they didn't have to worry about housing, refused to take money for that same reason.]

[He wants them all to just be safe. To be able to be happy.]

[How can that happen, if he keeps letting the others disappear?]

I... think so? Probably. [His team wouldn't let him be up and around, otherwise. Would they?]

[While he's debating it, his shadow stretches out a bit, with Haunter's usual broad Gengar smile turned into a big frown. The ghost shakes its head. No, there has been no food today.]

[They all have separate ways of coping, none of them good. Hunk was right when he said they were all anxiety ridden teens. Only Shiro is a bit out of his teens, but he still counts. In the end, they are all capable of taking care of themselves. Mostly, anyway. Shiro shouldn't worry so much about them. They might be under their twenties, but these kids are surprisingly self-sufficient. War will do that to them.

Lance slowly blinks up at Shiro, not believing for a minute Shiro has done anything but make his way to the network. Ah yes, there they go. Thanks Haunter. Remind Lance to toss you a Poffin later.]

You suck at lying. [If Haunter didn't snitch, that "probably" would have given Shiro away. Lance reaches down for the thermos Karma is hopping up to give him and shoves it in the center of Shiro's chest.] Drink this and then we'll get some food in you.

[For all he looks after the others, Shiro is notoriously bad at looking after himself. Maybe that's his own way of coping with things. With everything that happened before this place. With everything that happened before he'd even met them. There's so much out of control in his life. Keeping the others safe is something he can do.]

[Or could.]

[The "Probably" would give him away. He knows it. But also does the way his eyes don't quite meet Lance's. Maybe it's the way they sting, but more likely it's the avoiding the truth.]

Yeah. Probably do. [He blinks, startled at the thermos, even if he'd seen it a few moments before.] You don't need to do this... [As he's opening the damn thing.]

[It's fine. Lance is here to look after Shiro when he can't. That would probably be Keith's job, but someone has to take up the mantle in his absence.]

No probably about it dude. Now shut up and drink. I know what I need and don't need to do.

[His words are rough, but the tone they carry is one of caring and concern. He knows Shiro is going to claim he's fine into forever, tell Lance he doesn't need to worry about him, and other denials, but Lance knows better. He knows all too well about pushing people away through a veil of bravado and lies so they don't poke at the wounds.

So he's not going to poke. Not now, at least. But what Lance is going to do is get Shiro a hot meal to start with. Everything else can come after that.]

"Shut up and drink", huh?

[There's a low, almost depreciating sort of laugh at that. At least he's not upset at the way Lance is ordering him around. Not even a little. His brain is so out of sorts, he's just glad someone is taking charge. He shoots Lance a watery sort of smile before he starts to open the thermos.]

[And... may lean his shoulder against his friend's.]

[Just to remind himself he's not alone here. To tell Lance he's grateful. Sure, he needs people to poke and prod at the wound, to make him let things go. But there's also room for people who don't. Who don't demand anything of him in the moment.]

That's what I said. Need me to say it in Spanish too?

[Look, he's heard stories of one (1) Shiro Shirogane ending up in a ditch somewhere, surviving on granola bars. Lance can't turn a blind eye and have that happen again. Not when he has a say in things.]

I know I'm no Keith or anything, but... [He's trying to choose his words carefully here, picking the best ones so Shiro doesn't use them to push him away so he can wallow alone. Running a hand roughly through his hair, Lance doesn't even notice he's messing up his own 'do.] You were there for me when Hunk left. I'm here for you, okay. We don't have to talk about it, or talk at all. I just don't want you thinking you need to take care of the rest of us and none of us look out for you.

No. I don't speak that one.

[Another weak smile. A slow shake of his head. That only happened once, Lance. One day he's going to have to explain the reason why it happened. But today is not that day.]

I don't want you to be Keith. [Not for any reason. Lance is... Lance is Lance. He wouldn't have the guy any other way. Not with how far he's come. How much he's accomplished. How much he will accomplish.] I ... don't --

[Is there a bench? He suddenly feels like he needs to sit down. Because right now, right here, that's what he needed to hear.]

[Once was one time too many. Just saying.

It's not that he thinks Shiro wants him to be Keith. More like sometimes Lance thinks there's a hierarchy of how important people are to others. It doesn't always mean something bad; just that sometimes it's based on a length of time or familiarity and shared events. He knows Shiro and Keith have a connection no one else does. It's more Lance recognizing it rather than him trying to fit a square peg in a round Keith-shaped hole.]

You don't? Don't what? Don't feel well?

[Shiro's way too damn big for Lance's noodle arms to carry, but if the guy suddenly feels faint from lack of food, he'll try his best to keep Shiro from busting his brains out on the ground.]

[But it never happened since!]

[There's a bench. He's going to sit. He has to. Because he really doesn't want to drag them both onto the ground, or into the nearest ditch. Wouldn't that defeat the purpose of Lance coming all the way out here. I don't know if I can talk. If he can do anything to deal with it right now.]

[And Lance... isn't asking him to.]

[Not for the first time since his teammate showed up, once his butt is parked on a bench, and not in danger of pulling them both down, he reaches to grasp Lance's shoulder. Crush him in a hug if he can.]

Don't know how you know what people need. Like you do. [How Lance knew he didn't have it in him to talk right now. But he's grateful.]

[He knows because sometimes, he tucks his feelings away too. Pretends everything is honky dory and chooses to talk about inane bullshit rather than what's eating him from the inside out. Lance hasn't talked to anyone in a long while about his homesickness, his insecurities that still plague him, the nightmares of being stuck in space forever and never seeing his family every again because dealing with all that seems so much harder than having the problems to begin with.

He knows because he feels the same. After all, who was it who was hiding under his blankets when Shiro came to talk to Lance about Hunk's departure?]

I don't know. [This isn't about Lance. He's not going to make it about him.] Doesn't matter in the end, does it?

[What does matter is that Lance's voice sounds constricted due to the massive bear hug Shiro's trapped him in, but he doesn't dare pull away. Who needs to breath when his friend needs support?]

[Doesn't matter in the end, does it?]

[He shakes his head. Sharply. Just once, but sharply. Tightening his grip for a moment before he realizes Lance probably needs to breathe. And loosens his hold. He had himself under control until Lance went and said what he'd needed to hear.]

[Give him a second to breathe. And focus.]

It does. To me, it does. It matters a lot.

[He pulls back, resting his elbows on his knees so he can stare at the ground. It's easier than looking Lance in the eye. If he does that, he's probably going to crack again. It matters a lot. Lance matters a lot. Especially now.]

Did you make it yourself? [Finally, back to the thermos. Back to a safer topic.]

[Lance isn't going to argue against whatever mindset Shiro has right now. Not the right time and also he really doesn't have a good defense anyway, not without turning things in his direction.

Now that he can breathe freely, he plops down next to Shiro on the bench, leaning his head back into his hand and gazing up at the sky.]

Huh? Oh, the coffee. Yeah. Karma helped keep it warn, though.

[At the mention of his name, the Charmander trills, giving Shiro a grin of four fangs. Drink up, Shiro. Don't disappoint the little dinosaur who gave his all on that beverage.]

Did he...?

[The Charmander is definitely getting a smile. And he reaches down, offering him a little scratch on the head for his troubles. Why are these guys adorable? Why? Seriously. It's healing.]

Thanks, buddy. I appreciate the effort. You did a good job.

[He says as he pops the thermos open. You bet he's going to drink the whole thing.]

[The flame at the tip of Karma's tail flares up in lieu of him wagging it like a dog being told he is the bestest boy. He leans up into the scratch and trills again, glad he could help with his little tiny paws.

And Shiro is free to drink the whole thing. Lance fixed the coffee the way he remembers Shiro taking it: black like the deepest darkest black hole in space.]

You did too. Keeping us all together as long as you could. Not everything is in your control. It would be nice if it was, though...

[Lance trails off, still looking up to the sky. He doesn't expect Shiro to answer. He doesn't need him to. Lance just needs to let Shiro no one blames him for anything, would never even think to blame him for anything, that they appreciate him for what he is and not for what he isn't and could never be.]

[Yep, more scratches for Karma. Maybe some under the chin, too. For good measure. You deserve it, little guy. It... also helps to focus on something else when Lance starts talking.]

Never feels like it's... enough, I guess. [He says, finally. Quietly. The words a little cracked around the edges.] Keep wanting to make it a good place for all of you. Somewhere to fall back on.

Somewhere... you could have a normal life. For a while.

[And it keeps getting pulled away. Yanked out from under them. There's no one to blame but himself, he feels like.]

Shiro, we're in the space army. Exactly what is normal for any of us?

[Normal is overrated anyway. Normal for them would have meant being reamed a new one by Iverson on a daily basis and being given latrine scrubbing duty because they acted up again. Normal wouldn't have meant meeting the best family Lance could have chosen.

He doesn't want normal, not if normal means anything other than this.]

Hunk said we're just a group of dysfunctional anxiety ridden teenagers, but we're a group of dysfunctional anxiety ridden teenagers who make a way out of no way. You got us a house. We have somewhere to come home to. We can't ask or want anything more. We're doing okay. We got jobs, hobbies, we're doing our thing. I think it's time maybe you spent some time on yourself, though. We got us. Maybe you should have you.

[Maybe take some of that weight off his shoulders. Shiro doesn't need to be the illustrious leader where there's no Voltron to lead.]

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