victory_road | Arrival; [Video]

"I know, so don't pull a me is what I'm saying." Yes, he's self aware. No, he's not about to let Felix get away with mimicking his bad behavior.

Thankfully, he's got some sense of obedience, and comes to halt when Felix says so. Leaving Bonnie to crash into the back of his legs, and let out a disgruntled whinny. She gets an apology in the form of a few pats while Sylvain's distracted.

At least Felix seems to be resting now. It's a start.

Sylvain coaxes Bonnie over to come lay down with him to give them both reprieve from the chill in the air. He settles back down into the nook of the tree roots, cheek laid against the bark. It's not the most comfortable he's ever been. But with Bonnie under his arm it's not so bad.

"Dimitri said he's sending food. Somehow-" he still doesn't understand that, but details- "You want me to save you some?"

Felix snorts quietly. "That's the most convincing thing you've said so far."

He sort of wants to close his eyes and just let the chilly air wash over him for a bit, but he doesn't want to let Sylvain out of his sight. So instead, he pulls his hood up to narrow his field of vision to just the Gear screen and Foudroyant's long mandibles.

"Pff. Of course he is. You probably won't have to save me anything, because he'll send you more than you could ever possibly eat in a sitting. ...but yes, I do."

In his mind's eye he can so clearly see Sylvain in his dumb apron, cheerfully making spaghetti. And Sylvain sitting with him on a blanket at the top of a hill, laying out a picnic spread and making fun of him for his sunglasses. Ugh, stop.

...he can't do this. There is no possible way he can make it six hours like this without telling Sylvain the truth. He's not even sure he can make it one hour.

"Sylvain..."

But how is he supposed to say this? For once, he manages to think before he just comes out and says the bluntest possible thing. He has to get this right, or he could end up ruining everything.

"What's the last thing you remember before you arrived here?"

The shift is palpable, and not in a way he appreciates. It's almost as if there's a bad taste in the back of his mouth, at the edge of irritating his throat like bile. But why? He can't place it. It's just a feeling. Nonsensical and worrying.

Sylvain tries not to let it leech into his voice.

"Enbarr," he says, "you and I were watching out from the windows just before the throne room doors. Dimitri and the Professor wanted a moment alone with Edelgard, and then it was over. We won. I..." There'd been a thought on his mind in those last moments. Relief and exhaustion, but even moreso, a gratitude to everything they had done, and still made it out alive. He'd just been so happy to be beside Felix without visiting yet another graveyard full of friends and loved ones. "I remember asking what you were thinking about doing after we finally got to go home. You never answered me. Or maybe you did, and I couldn't hear you, but suddenly I was here."

"Enbarr..." So he's seen the end of the war, but isn't quite as far beyond it as he ended up last time. But the rest...

Felix slowly smiles a little. After we finally got to go home, huh? "There are a few strange things about this place. Since time doesn't pass in our world while we're here, sometimes people from the same place come here from different points in time. The last thing I remember before coming here was retaking Fhirdiad. So I haven't experienced that moment you're talking about yet, but I will."

That shouldn't make sense. It really shouldn't. Just like fire ponies and electric beetle transportation shouldn't make sense. And yet here they are. So Sylvain can only let out a tired and resigned laugh. Accept it. It's easier. And it makes some of the apprehension bleed out of the tense way it knots his stomach.

"Sorry I spoiled the surprise for you then. We did it though. Alive and only a little worse for wear." A little. Because he doesn't know there's a word for how deeply scarring the war was on all of them on levels far more vast than the scars on their skin.

"Guess that means I don't get my answer then, huh? Or did you give it some thought before Enbarr too?"

"We both survived, huh?" Felix knew that already, of course, but it's worth appreciating again. "Good."

Sylvain's question gets his heart doing something funny in his chest. His mind drifts briefly to that moment in the snow, battling against Sylvain's pessimistic streak, making plans for their future for the first time since the war began. Right before they...

Felix lifts his head up so he's no longer seeing Sylvain sideways, regarding him thoughtfully from under his hood.

"During the war, no. I didn't. But since I've been here...I have given it plenty of thought. It's difficult not to, spending a year in a world at peace." It's ludicrous, really, how his pulse races. They've had this conversation already. But they also haven't.

"I'm going to accept my old man's title and lands." He watches Sylvain's face closely. "And you're coming with me to Fraldarius when I do."

Sylvain's eyes go wide. There's no way he's heard that right. 'You're coming with me' as easily as that. Like somehow Felix can read his mind, or read his memories. Entertaining Sylvain's grand plans- well, not really grand and not really plans; they're more like fantastical machinations. How he'd thought of an end to the war. Peace with Sreng. Dissolving Gautier into Fraldarius- after all, it's essentially what they'd done after Dimitri's supposed 'execution.' A single front line they'd desperately held against the Western Lords for five long years. But maybe it could be permanent. Maybe there wouldn't be a need for guard dogs like Gautiers. Maybe in a world at peace there could be room for Sylvain, and not Gautier. Not the Lance of Ruin.

But they'd all been stupid, childish fantasies. Peace is never permanent. So on the eve of storming Enbarr, he'd settled for a compromise. If they both lived, he'd ask Felix if they could spend their well-earned peace together. At least for a little while. Enough time to sort some things out. Silly, useless things, really. Things like childhood crushes and death pacts.

And yet Sylvain had entertained working them out just long enough to want to ask Felix to be a part of it. That day in Enbarr...

"I'd wanted to ask you something just like that." His gaze is still wide, the sudden rush of adrenaline making his pupils large and dark against the normally coppery tint of his eyes. "How... How did you know? You said you hadn't made it that far."

That was Felix's vow, too: that he would make Sylvain feel safe enough to be whoever he wanted to be. No 'maybe' about it. A promise just as sacred as the one they made as children. Peace may not be permanent, but some things are more important than war.

It's Felix's turn to gaze with slightly widened eyes into the camera. Sylvain had wanted to ask him? Here in Johto, it had been the other way around...but then, at the time, Sylvain was mired in the bleakest part of the war. Now he's seen their victory. It makes sense. And it makes him smile again.

The question dims his smile a bit with apprehension, but at this point he's said enough that it would be worse than pointless to conceal the rest. Not to mention it would end up eating at Felix and pissing him off to keep it quiet, the longer he sat here.

"I hadn't. But you're not the only one who wants that, you know. Besides..." He drops his gaze for a moment, but steels himself and lifts it back to Sylvain before he goes on. "Sylvain, this isn't the first time you've been here. The force that brings us here sometimes sends us home, too. And sometimes when we go home, we forget. When I first arrived, you were the one who came to pick me up. You answered all these questions for me."

Ah, the smile is back. He's not even aware of it. Stupid easily readable face. Stupid mushy feelings.

Sylvain doesn't want to tell another person they're wrong. He hates confrontation, he hates arguing. But what hurts more is finding implications where they're not explicitly mentioned. But he's not as stupid as he likes to appear. Sylvain can feel them, those accusations nobody ever means, but their words imply anyway. And how can Felix smile at him when Sylvain feels like he wants curl up and die?

'-you were the one who came to pick me up. You answered all these questions for me.'

And now Felix is here, doing this for him. It means-

I left. I abandoned you.

Like any good actor, Sylvain forces a smile, and swallows down the bitter bile rising in his throat. Felix is smiling. Sylvain should appreciate that. He hasn't seen one of those in a very long time. His own feelings be damned, he can't ruin one more thing or he feels like he'll shatter. Maybe he can do this gently.

"Felix, doesn't that sound silly? How could I be here and helping us win a war at the same time? I think maybe those warps are making you a little delirious." There. That's... gentle, right?

Edited 2021-12-11 00:07 (UTC)

Felix knows something is wrong as soon as Sylvain smiles. It's not real. It's that horrible fake smile that he loathes. It's somehow ten times worse than it used to be, because he got so used to Sylvain smiling for *real.*

His own smile vanishes immediately, replaced with a disbelieving scowl.

"Don't do that. Don't smile when you don't mean it. You know I despise it." Shit. Fuck. He cannot believe that after all this time, Sylvain is finally back, and within an hour Felix is already snapping at him. What is wrong with him? Why does this always happen?

But Felix is not a patient man, and he's never been half as good at controlling his emotions as he used to think he was. He can't have fucked this up already. He hasn't even gotten to the most important part. Beneath the level where the camera can see it, his left hand clenches into a fist. He can feel the ring digging into his finger. He tries to calm down, taking a breath or two before he replies.

"I told you. Nothing progresses at home while we're here. When we go back, it's exactly the same time and place as when we left. I'm not delirious. You can't tell me you have no idea what's going on and then tell me I'm wrong."

If nothing else, Sylvain is obedient. He drops the mask, and it's an immediate change. The brightness in his normally soft eyes dims, and he can't quite meet Felix's gaze. His expression is painfully neutral for a moment, and then it is a sad, horrible extension of all the inner cynicism he hides from most people.

"I'm sorry."

He means it. He is. He's sorry for so much he doesn't even know he did or didn't do. Because apparently he's been here, and apparently he's left.

Sylvain doesn't know what to say besides that though. What can he? Felix is right, he doesn't know what's going on. He only has bits and pieces of a story, and he's filling in the gaps with expectations of his poor behavior. To him, it makes sense to. The obvious answer is often the right one.

"I'm so sorry."

Felix’s scowl fades into bewilderment. “What do you mean, you’re sorry? Why are you apologizing?”

The first apology, he’d thought was just for pretending. But the second one is clearly something else. He can’t be apologizing for answering Felix’s questions…oh. His brow furrows.

“Sylvain, tell me you’re not taking the blame for leaving this world. That’s utterly foolish. We have no control over any of this. Who stays, who leaves, who remembers or forgets - it’s all out of our hands. I hate it, but so far we’ve found no way to change it. It is what it is. There’s nothing you could possibly have done differently.” A pause, as he studies Sylvain’s face. “Do you understand?”

Sylvain keeps his gaze cast down, and finds Bonnie looking up at him too. Why does she have to look so sad? She didn't do anything wrong, but her ears pin back like a guilty verdict just came down on her. Sylvain tries to soothe her by running his fingers through the fiery mane, and remains quiet for awhile.

If Felix is asking, then he probably knows the answer. He obviously wouldn't have brought it up if it hadn't crossed him. Shame burns him, and his jaw forms a tense line where he's fighting back saying anything stupid. Or more stupid than he already has.

Finally, Sylvain takes a deep breath, and shakes his head.

"I don't, but that's not really what matters. I just want you to know that whatever happened, I didn't mean to leave you behind."

Felix watches Sylvain but says nothing else, just waiting for an answer. When it comes, it feels like the words have kindled a hearthfire somewhere inside him and it's warming him from the inside. So many people have left Felix behind in his life - almost everyone he's ever cared about - but never Sylvain.

He smiles again; his eyes are soft. Softer than Sylvain can probably remember ever seeing him since they were children. There's nothing reluctant or grudging about his reply - it's just sincere. "I know. You never would."

Felix lays his head back down on his arm, looking at the screen sideways again. "I don't want to talk about what things were like when you weren't here. You're here now, and I'm grateful. That's what matters most."

"You really aren't upset with me?" It's less a question, and more a wide-eyed wonder. Felix looks softer and happier than he can remember ever seeing him in the past decade or so. He feels stupid for even asking: Felix would just say if he was mad, hell, Sylvain feels like he'd be able to feel the anger even through the screen. But of course logic is easy to suggest, and so much harder to execute. The painful notion that somehow this is entirely his fault is hard to sway.

So when Felix suggests they talk about things that will be, instead of things that were, Sylvain feels a little tug of a smile at the corners of his lips. The guilt isn't gone, he doubts it will be for awhile, but at the very least Sylvain's the only one blaming himself.

"Thanks, Fe. Sorry to get so down on you like that. Just, y'know, overthinking it I suppose."

Soft or not, Felix rolls his eyes, though his tone is mildly exasperated rather than annoyed. "Do you think my answer will change if you keep asking?"

He suppresses the urge to lift his hand and touch the screen, as though he could somehow touch Sylvain over the distance through it. Then he silently chides himself for all this beating around the bush. He would hate it if Sylvain did it to him.

But he stumbles again over how to say it. Then again...Sylvain has given him a few decent openings...sort of.

"Mm. You asked how I knew what you wanted to do after the war. It's because you and I talked about it here." Oh, there goes his heart pounding again. Goddess, just spit it out, Fraldarius.

"We...talked about a lot of important things." His eyes stray from the screen a bit as he sort of changes the subject without changing it at all. "I may have told you today to convince me to say yes, but the truth is, you already have."

"Maybe," Sylvain mutters, but it's more a stage whisper than actually trying to keep it from Felix.

Again, he's shocked to find out somehow he's managed to not utterly fuck this up when Felix says he's gotten some of those flirting attempts to work. Though 'important things' is a little vague. It's probably about the future of their territories, he figures. Less pressing than the fact Felix actually accepted a date with him.

"Told you it'd work one day," he tries to tease. It's mild considering his usual boisterous insistence, but it's not as shame-riddled and guilt-laden as he'd been a few minutes ago. Progress.

"Tell me you liked it at least. Not nearly as bad as you used to say it'd be, right?"

Little does Sylvain know that it wasn't actually the flirting at all that did it. Not that it matters now, of course.

"I liked it enough to do it many more times."

Sylvain blinks.

"Seriously?" He actually cracks a decent smile. "Ha, you really like me, huh?"

Felix shrugs, though he can’t keep the hint of a smile off his face completely. “I might. And yes, seriously. I don’t joke.”

"Embarrassing for you," Sylvain quips, like he isn't burning himself. What's a little self-deprecation between friends after all? "But hey, guess it works since I like you too."

His smile is starting to return to something proper, genuine even. Again, it's just this kind of talking with Felix, something akin to banter, that sets him at ease. It's familiar. "Thanks for sticking around with me, Fe."

Felix rolls his eyes at the self-deprecation; his feelings for Sylvain are one of the few things he doesn't get embarrassed about anymore, not after everything.

"Hmph. Don't thank me as though I'm going out of my way. ...sticking together was what we promised, remember?"

He swallows. He's getting the feeling that Sylvain isn't taking this talk of going on dates seriously enough. Does he understand what Felix is really saying, or is he just assuming they've been eating meals together more often or something?

He wants to just come out and say it. He also doesn't at all want to do that. What if Sylvain spooks and hangs up? What if he wants time away like the first time? Then he mentally kicks himself for being just as stupid about this now as he was before. What's more important, your pride or Sylvain? The answer is always the same.

"...Sylvain." His voice is softer now. "I don't just 'like' you. Last time you were here, we were...together."

He can't help a bit of red creeping up into his cheeks.

Sylvain tilts his head. His eyes narrow in a mix of confusion and suspicion. Is Felix trying to joke? Emphasis on try, because Sylvain doubts the man could joke even if he wanted to. And Sylvain's sure he'd never want to...

So that leaves-

Oh.

Oh.

Sylvain isn't sure if he blanches or blushes. His cheeks immediately heat, but his palms go cold and clamy. His whole body feels like it lurches to a stop. Nothing seems to work: not his mind, his mouth, anything.

Together?

It should be such a dream come true; Sylvain's been utterly in love with Felix since they were young teenagers. He's thought the scenario out a hundred times, too. He should be prepared for this-

Yet being on this end of the confession was never part of the plan. It was always easier to imagine himself confessing, and most certainly being shot down. Because how else could it go? Felix wasn't supposed to like him. Felix was strong and courageous, dedicated and forward. And Sylvain was none of those things. Why would he ever want-

Except that's just it. Felix wouldn't say something like that if he didn't mean it.

"I- I, um..." Where's all that smooth, silver-tongued confidence he's always relied on? Why is it suddenly so hard to spit it out? How can it fail him now when he needs it most?

"Okay." No. No, no, no-

"No, what I mean is I... I'm really happy to hear that. More than just happy, I'm elated. I know it may not seem it. I think I'm just in shock right now." Sylvain drags a hand down his face to try to knock himself out of the haze of disbelief. It seems to work. He suddenly brightens as it all hits him. Felix like likes him.

"Together. Saints, Felix, I'm over the moon- you and me. Us." Now that he has the words finally come out there's too many to string proper sentences together. Sylvain really can't win here. So he settles for probably the most genuine smile of his life.

Felix's eyes are glued to the screen; he doesn't dare to blink. While Sylvain's...thinking, or whatever it is he's doing in silence, Felix is frantically trying to come up with ways to do damage control in case this goes horribly wrong, but this isn't a battlefield and nothing is coming to mind.

So when Sylvain flushes red and starts stammering, Felix lifts his head up again and stays very still, feeling like he's aiming an arrow at a deer in the woods and waiting to see whether it will flee. And then Sylvain says: 'Okay.'

Okay? What the hell kind of response is that? This was a mistake. That was clearly an 'I'm trying to figure out how to let you down easy' response, or an 'I can't handle this' response, or...something. Something not good. Felix's face quickly falls from attentive to an oncoming storm. He doesn't even know what the words are that are about to come out of his mouth--

But then Sylvain goes on, and Felix remembers what his reaction was the first time when they eventually got this far, and--okay, so he shouldn't be surprised about the shock, he supposes, and the storm dissolves as quickly as it started. Still, he's impatient to get past this part!

Fortunately, he doesn't have long to wait. Sylvain gives him one of those smiles that's like the sun coming up, and given how the last four months of Felix's life have gone, it really does feel like the dawn that comes after the darkest night. Which is sappy as hell and he's annoyed with himself for having thought it, but only a little bit.

Mostly he's too busy trying his best not to completely lose his composure and melt into a stupid puddle of mushy goo. He feels like he's already halfway there, and he's positive whatever face he's making is ridiculous and embarrassing, but it's hard to care much when he gets to see Sylvain this happy again.

"...good." He thinks he should probably say more than that, but he has trouble with words at the best of times.

The heat on his cheeks refuses to dissipate, and his heart keeps doing this silly thing where it won't stop pitter-pattering. He actually has to lean back and take a deep breath. Except he ends up exhaling it as a giddy sound.

"Y'know, I never thought I'd get the chance to actually go out with somebody I liked. Let alone the Felix Fraldarius, mister-relationships-are-pointless-distractions himself. My best friend..." Sylvain smiles to himself.

"You gotta get here sooner, Fe. You can't tell me we get to be an item and not even be here for me to sweep you off your feet."

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maybe claude told him like...just before this? idk XD what even is continuity

yeahhh hes having that argument with claude

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