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This is a question for people who have been here for a very long time.

[The person speaking doesn't show their face onscreen, but sounds like a young woman. It's like they want to stay anonymous. but don't have the technical know-how to do that, so the public at large gets a view of boring berry bushes.]

Do you ever feel like you don't really belong here even after so long? I... I mean, I know none of us do since we're all from different worlds? But some people are happy... most people are happy? They're happy here. They have nice lives like they didn't have back where they're from, but you don't. Something always goes wrong or you're dumber than everybody else no matter how hard you try to learn and your friends keep leaving and even after they say it's okay to be their friend so you're stupid and believe them and all that happens is they leave again and you're the dummy. And you don't look like the other people so you're not pretty or handsome or anything like that and those books with the shiny pictures [they're called magazines, you sweet child] say you should look one way, but you don't no matter how hard you try.

[That was a little bit of a thought dump there, but if she stays on one idea too long, Sasha is afraid she'll start crying and soldiers aren't supposed to show emotion, at least none except anger because then anger can be used to get a mission done. Even this network post is breaking that rule.]

But you can't go home because home is bad and whoever picks people to go home never picks you anyway, so you just have to stay here and be...

[She wants to say "dumb and sad and lonely and ugly", but continues on without finishing.]

What do you do?

[Seek therapy, perhaps, but the hell does a child soldier know about that?]

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[Riku takes a deep breath before responding. It's... a heavy topic, after all. A loaded question.

Even when he prepares to respond, there's an uneasy look on his face.]

I... I don't know, honestly. Been here almost half my life now. A part of me feels settled in, I guess. But I know I've gotten complacent.

So many people I cared about are long gone. When you stick around this long while the rest of the world's a revolving door, it makes it hard to really connect with other people. You hit all those benchmarks. Badges. Elite Four. You've seen this place at its worst... so nothing fazes you. At least, not like it used to.

So I guess I kinda get it? Maybe my experience isn't the same, but I do get feeling outta place.

Half your life? How many years is that?

[Who can blame her for the weight of the question? It's something she's been holding onto for the last couple of years, letting it roll around in her head, and she's tired now, just hoping to find a way out that doesn't hurt again.

Anyway, poor Riku still gets the berry bushes for his trouble.]

I only have one badge. I thought about getting more, but... I think I'm scared that when I do, no one will be left to talk to about it. So I don't. And I watch other people get theirs because they're better at it anyway.

So you haven't done anything to feel different?

It's been almost twelve years. Came here when I was fifteen...

[So... not quite half, but still notable. And when he thinks about it, sheesh.

He's edging on his late 20's... The realization makes him avert his eyes for a sec.]

Honestly, I'd say go for the badges if you need something to keep busy with. Can't improve if you don't try, right?

And... I guess a big obstacle for me's just. Applying myself. Peppy positivity's never been my strong suit. You'd think after spending so much time with a walking friendship dispenser, it woulda rubbed off on me, but I feel like if I tried to emulate him, it'd just be tacky.

I came here when I was sixteen, but it's only been four years for me.

[Honestly, Sasha didn't think she'd make it to her twenties considering folks back home drop like flies, but here she is. Unhappy, but here she is.]

And then if I get them, then what? What do I after that?

[When there's no one to announce how you kicked butt so hard, not when the few people she can tell all have way more badges and skills than her so why would they want to hear from her anyway?]

Friendship dispenser? What's that?

...I guess you take on the Elite Four? Maybe set up an Aurora League Gym. Try to keep busy however you can.

[Sheesh. That's... a loaded question. One Riku still grapples with, and he heaves a small sigh. Not the most reassuring reaction, he's sure.]

And... well. Picture a guy who's always going outta his way to befriend strangers. That's a 'friendship dispenser.'

Did someone tell you these things...? That you aren't smart, or not attractive?

[He has... an idea of whose voice this is. But if he's wrong, calling them out is definitely a bad idea.]

[And she knows that voice. Not one she wanted to hear because she believes Shiro will just tell her what he thinks she should hear and not what is probably the truth. But Sasha knows if she calls him out, he'll call her out, and two can play this Pretend We Don't Live In The Same House game.]

I've been called dumb before.

[Quite a few times, really. Ugly, not so much, but ah, modern media has a way of sneaking in opinions without actually saying the words to her face.]

[At least in this case, he's not allowed out of his room, so... that makes playing pretend a little easier.]

By your friends?

[Give him names, Sasha.]

[Is he in prison? Who managed to get Shiro to stay in one place?]

I don't have any friends.

[Well, technically, Jean and Armin are still here, but she's trying her best to keep them at arm's length for their safety. Mikasa... isn't the Mikasa Sasha knew. She's much younger and Sasha isn't sure they can be friends with such an age difference.

She hasn't seen Connie in years now and sometimes it felt like he was her only friend. So when it comes down to it, Sasha thinks her answer is the truth. That and really, the fellow cadets and soldiers have all called her dumb a time or two. Or three.]

[Oh. That stings. More than Sasha probably meant it to. At least, he hopes she didn't mean it that way.]

What do you mean?

[Please say he's reading too much into this.]

[She didn't and he's reading far too much into it. He's Space Dad. Dads aren't friends, they're... Dads.]

I mean, I don't have any friends? There's people I know, but... I stay away from them.

Why?

Maybe... they want to be your friend.

You keep making the most of every day you have, even knowing it may all end in an instant. You cherish the friends you make because they could disappear tomorrow. You make the most of the opportunities you have here because even if you don't think you deserve it, you're the one who is here, and it would be a shame to squander it.

*he's all too familiar with these feelings, despite arguably being one of the most successful and prominent otherworlders here. The first to challenge and defeat the Elite Four. The first gym leader. Yet even after all these years he can't shake those dark thoughts and feelings*

But I hate it when they leave! They just keep leaving. It feels easier to try and not make friends anymore than cherish them.

[The nice word feels bad in her mouth, like a sour candy some people find enjoyable. She tried cherishing people. She still ended up getting emotionally wrecked.]

I like that I don't have to worry about dying here, but I would also like not to worry about if anybody I know is going back just to die. Or maybe just to have their terrible life again. And there are things I want to do, but not without someone I can talk to about it.

Edited (wrong icon pfft) 2022-02-04 19:37 (UTC)

Which is worse: enjoying your time with someone while they're here and having those memories to draw comfort from when they're gone, or being alone and regretting it while still feeling the loss anyway when they've left?

*even before Johto, his own life would have been so much easier if he didn't care about people... but he does, and knows it's not worth it to not enjoy what time you have together*

And wouldn't making friends here give you someone to talk to? To share both your worries and your hopes with?

I think what's worse is doing the first one knowing they'll leave like everybody else did and I'll just have to start all over again with someone new, just for them to leave too. And then the next person will leave too. I'm...

[Sasha takes a deep breath because nope, crying is not allowed here.]

...tired of losing things and having to start over. Every time I make a friend and talk to them about things, they're gone in a week. They almost never come back either. And I haven't seen my best friend from home since I first got here, but I think with how people go home on me so quickly, maybe it's better he stay there. Even if our home isn't a good place to be, it would just be mean to let him see how nice this place can be for some people and then just sent him back.

[Maybe not caring so much about people would protect both of them. Sasha is trying her hardest to keep the walls up, but they aren't well built and some people just manage to creep by them anyway.]

*...*

Back in Roland, there were many people who wished to see me dead. And when they couldn't get to me, they went after those near me. A girl I happened to like. My classmates. My assistant. Someone even sent an assassin after Ryner, though they foolishly underestimated him.

*he takes some grim satisfaction in that last bit*

I thought that if I didn't get too close, or if I sent someone away, that it would protect them, that it would be easier. But it never worked. Instead I suffered anyway, and did so alone rather than with those I cared about.

It was far worse that way.

[She falls quiet, listening to the guy talk about how hated he was, how he tried the same putting up of walls Sasha does to protect people, but it didn't work. But she still feels it's different; no one is trying to kill the friends she makes, just take them away from her over and over again.]

I think it feels worse to keep losing them. At least if I don't let them become my friend, I don't have to go through that part again. Or I don't have to wonder if the other people who are sad about them leaving think it's my fault.

Why would anyone think that it's your fault? No one here can affect when someone comes or goes.

And if you know enough to be choosing not to become friends, doesn't that mean you already care about them to some extent?

[Okay, so the anonymous attempt doesn't work on Kazuki because he's a sensitive boy that can distinguish people's voices, but he's going to give her her privacy anyways. She seems rather distraught.]

I know what it's like to feel like this isn't really where you're supposed to be. And... Well, my world isn't bad at all, so I want to go back. But, yeah, there's nothing I can do about that. And I can't do anything about people I get to be friends with leaving, or that nobody from my world has ever shown up here... It can get pretty depressing. I wonder why I was picked to come here a lot too.

With the pictures, though-- You know that most pictures in magazines or online aren't really real, right? They're usually wearing tons of makeup, and are in just the right light, and even after the picture is taken, somebody uses a computer and touches them up. So it's kind of impossible to really look like that.

Were you about to die when you came here?

[He's lost her at the computer part, but Sasha still has a defense for the first section. At least a defense she thinks is workable.]

They still look pretty, even if they're wearing makeup. And people like them anyway, so it doesn't matter if the pictures aren't real. People like what they look like and not what people like me look like. That's it.

Uh, definitely not. I actually went home once-- it was for a couple of years there, but only a few days here. So I couldn't have died.

[It was extremely disorienting. He also didn't tell anyone about it.]

I don't know if that's totally true, but... You do say that there are "people like me," so you're not the only person like you feel, right?

Haven't been here a long time, but I've done modeling work. A lot of it is fake, y'know. The people in those pictures don't actually look as good as they're made to look. A lot of it's makeup. No matter what you look like, I guarantee you that you could look like a model if you had the right clothes and makeup and lighting.

It's not really worth looking like that, though. It's just fake beauty to sell stuff. And people who only care about how good you look generally aren't worth the time to impress anyway.

It sounds like you've seen a lot of friends get sent home. A girl from my world just got sent home herself, and even though we weren't that close I'm still kinda sad about it. Can't imagine going through that, but a lot closer, a lot worse, and more than once.

But it kinda seems like maybe you've already found the solution. The people who've been here a long time...they haven't gone home in all that time, right? So if you're looking for friends that aren't likely to up and vanish on you, why not people who've been here for ages?

Edited 2022-02-05 09:57 (UTC)

Still... I want to look like that. People like you when you look like that. They think you're a goddess. Nobody would ever think about me like that. They don't make fun of people who look like a goddess. If I can't have friends, then at least I could be beautiful?

[Issues? She's got 'em. Like a whole subscription.]

Because it doesn't matter how long they've been here. It's as soon as they meet me, they get sent home. Like there's something wrong with me, I think. I'm bad luck, maybe.

Mm...people may like you when you look like that, but it's not always in the ways you want, or for the right reasons. Looking good comes with its own problems. It's also a lot of work. And like I said, not even models look like that all the time - just when they've got the makeup on. Sometimes not even then - some people manipulate the pictures to make the models look even better than they ever could in real life, just to get people more interested in the models. Then they can sell more magazines and make more money off of the models.

Also, some models are not particularly great people, no matter how good they look. I'm not gonna give you some trite "it's what's on the inside that counts" speech, but I will say that looking pretty doesn't mean people will like you. Personality always matters. Looks help, but they won't take you all the way.

That said, if you really want to try out how it feels to look like a model, I could help you. Maybe seeing how those looks are created will make you feel better about not naturally looking like that. Because nobody naturally looks like that, I promise. But the upshot of that is that with the right makeup and clothes and lighting, most people can look like models. And I know some tricks of the trade.

As for friends...I'm not gonna make any promises, especially when you've been burned before, but I've been around for awhile and I don't mind chatting.

You keep trying, I think.

You try because there are so many things in the world that you have not experienced, because in the grand scheme of things, the time you've spent here is so painfully small compared to the time you were alive elsewhere. You keep trying because you have to relearn from the beginning on how to live comfortably.

At least, that is how I see it. That's how I have to keep seeing it, because otherwise... I don't know what I would do.

What happens when you get tired of trying? Trying and never getting anywhere, never getting anything good out of it?

[Sasha wants to say it's easy for someone like Angel to say this. She's friendly, pretty, well-liked, has a loving boyfriend. Angel is just like her name. Sasha, on the other hand, just thinks she's known as a food fiend and not much else. Definitely not an angel. Maybe a gremlin is closer to what she is.]

What happens then?

You try something different, I suppose.

It probably sounds juvenile but... being able to choose is the best gift I have ever been given. It can feel overwhelming, to not know which direction I want to take my life in but... It is better than the alternative. It is better than where I came from.

I know I have not been here as consistently, but you and I have been part of this world for nearly the same amount of time, have we not? I still do not know what I wish to do with my time here. And for every person that finds something to do, another that we care about leaves and it can all feel like too much.

But we are still here. And we still have the choice to wake up tomorrow and decide to try again.

[Oh. ... Oh this hurts so much, Allura doesn't even know where to start. Poor girl...]

I'm sorry you've been hurting for so long, Sasha.

[Sasha was sure she was inconspicuous enough on what her true identity is. She doesn't even have any of her Pokemon nearby to give her away? How does Allura know? She can't know. This is just embarrassing and there's only one way to deal with being called out.]

I-I don't know who that is.

[Yeah, lying has never been her best strength.]

It's all right; I've locked this from the rest of the network. [A soft sigh.] I'm sorry, though... For what it's worth... I don't believe you're stupid at all, and I think you're quite pretty. And... I know quite a bit about loss myself.

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