The Spice Rack, Pilot Episode (forward dated 8/17)

[vrdantwind]

When the video begins, it opens immediately to the big blue eyes of a Joltik and its little OwO face taking up almost the entire screen. It taps the screen with one leg.

"I think it's recording..."

Oh. The voice - Claude's voice, for those familiar with it - is coming from the Joltik. This video must have been recorded a while ago, then - back during those odd few days where people and their pokémon ended up swapping bodies for a bit. (People who were not here for that event may be very confused.) Regardless, Claude, seemingly satisfied that the Gear is doing what he wants it to, promptly leaps away along what turns out to be a counter, like a popped kettle of corn flying out of a pan. Another hop and he's landed near Dedue, who is standing with undeserved patience in the middle of the room - which, now that Claude's entire face is not blocking people's views, is clearly a kitchen. Then Claude turns back to the screen, gesturing dramatically with one foreleg.

"Hey, everyone! I'm Claude von Riegan - temporarily inconvenienced, don't mind the looks. Anyway, you may remember me from that time my boyfriend and I spent a ludicrous amount of money on a pokémon for charity, or, slightly more relevantly, that time I made something so bad in a cooking contest that Riegfried and Soy gave me a consolation prize encouraging me to never cook again! And look, I'll concede my concoction was not good. But I was improvising to see what would happen! I'm actually a perfectly competent cook when I'm following an actual recipe.

"So I was thinking about how I deserve to prove to what Chip calls 'the haters' that what happened at the cooking contest was a one-off thing. And right around the same time I was going through a bookstore, and I found some very interesting recipe books. I don't even know if these recipes will prove I'm a good cook because I don't know if they're good recipes! But I have one of the best cooks I know here with me - say hi, Dedue - "

Dedue, who has been standing this entire time as though there's nothing inherently wrong with a Joltik providing him with an introduction, says, "Hello."

" - who can supervise, help, and generally confirm that these recipes have at least been made to the best of anybody's ability. Truth be told, I'm almost more interested in how these recipes come out than anything to do with my reputation, because some of them are pretty wild. It's definitely going to entertain me, so hopefully it entertains all of you!

"We're calling this little show the Spice Rack, for obvious reasons." Have you ever seen a Joltik Will Smith pose before? Well, you have now. Claude seems to be trying to highlight...Dedue's chest. After a moment he clearly feels that a simple gesture of presentation is insufficient, and waves his legs in a sort of 'allllll of this' motion. And, to be fair, there's a lot of Dedue's chest to take in.

"Do you have anything to add to the introduction, Dedue?"

"Only that you have yet to inform me as to why we are calling this the Spice Rack when our spices are not on display and you are gesturing in the wrong direction."

Claude waves a foreleg casually. "Don't worry, the audience will get it.

"Anyway, for our first episode, obviously I'm a little short-handed, in that I'm both short and have no hands. So I had a great idea! I watched a movie a little while back - have any of you seen Ratattaouille? I watched it because I thought my boyfriend, king of rats, might be interested in it - "

Dedue levels a dry look in Claude's direction. "Must you refer to him in such a way?"

King of Rats is barely better than Felix's Boar, and less accurate as half a dozen rats is hardly a kingdom. Dimitri is perhaps a minor baron of rats. Maybe a viscount.

" - but it turns out it might have a practical application! I'm gonna hang out on Dedue's head and give him directions for this episode."

And another leap like a popping spring sees Claude landing directly on Dedue's head, where he attempts to grasp Dedue's hair in his little nub legs.

"Now, how does this work?" Tug tug.

Dedue's hand comes up and covers up Claude on his head. After a moment, Claude's muffled voice comes out from under the hand.

"So these controls aren't the most intuitive."

"I will place you in a drawer if you do not behave."

"Okay, new plan. What about verbal direction?"

"That would be more useful."

Dedue returns his attention to the camera. "The recipe that we have prepared for today is a tomato aspic. Aspics are not an uncommon dish within the court of Fhirdiad, though they were usually served during the winter season, as cold temperatures are needed for the dish's structure. Modern devices render the weather irrelevant now."

For good or ill.

"The process is also greatly shortened by the availability of gelatin powder, eliminating the need to boil animal bones for long periods of time. Aspics can be prepared as either savory or sweet dishes, and this recipe is an example of the former."

He gestures towards the spot on the counter where a recipe book is held open on a wooden book stand.

"If you would, Claude. I believe the recipe begins with three cups of stewed tomatoes?"

"If I would what?" Claude creeps forward enough on Dedue's head to peer down at him. "Do you want me to roll the can over here? It weighs more than I do. There's a reason I'm supposed to be giving the directions here, and the reason is opposable thumbs."

Dedue looks directly into the camera as though beseeching the audience for sympathy with what he's working with here.

"Of course not, Claude. I would like for you to read the recipe to me, as you had suggested."

"Well that seems kinda pointless if you're gonna announce the ingredients for me!" Claude paps Dedue's head with a leg - one wonders if it's even hard enough for Dedue to feel - before peering down at the book. "But yeah, that's right."

"Thank you," Dedue says, and reaches for the canned tomatoes. After opening it deftly with a clamp can opener, he empties it into a very large glass measuring vessel.

"And next?"

Claude directs Dedue through the various ingredients, but when they reach the one (1) clove the recipe calls for, Claude insists upon getting it himself since it's within his weight limit. This means a rather involved little production of a very determined Joltik slowly but surely twisting off the lid to the clove jar using its entire body. Then Claude tips the whole works over - luckily the jar is only half full, so none actually spills out - before hopping down, reaching in with two tiny legging to proudly extract one (1) clove.

(The audience gets this production in brief cut-in clips, rather than having to watch the whole process straight through.)

"I'm sure that this will contribute so much value to the recipe that we'll all be very glad for the five minutes that took," Claude says gravely, holding the clove up so Dedue can, very delicately, take it with fingers that are bigger than Claude's entire body.

"Also, remind me - are we making an aspic or a gazpacho?"

Dedue does, indeed, take that hard-fought clove with all the delicacy that is required when his sous-chef is two inches tall.

"Neither," he replies. "We are making a mistake."

It is at this point that Dedue must dump all of the ingredients that have been amassed thus far– lone clove included– into a pot to boil, as one does. This is also where the much anticipated gelatin makes an appearance, as he has to bloom it before it goes into the mess that is this recipe.

After a brief timeskip to gloss over the ten minutes of boiling, Dedue strains the vegetal matter out of the... for lack of a better term, broth that is left over.

"Now that we have removed all substance from the dish, we will add the gelatin," he says, and tips in the soaked gelatin, which has the approximate appearance and consistency of watery glue. "And dispense into appropriate vessels."

Claude's voice comes from off-camera. "The appropriate vessel would be a trash can."

In this case, white ramekins. The contrast of the richly red aspic and the pure white containers is, actually, quite visually appealing, even if the actual contents are a disaster.

"The aspic must sit overnight in the refrigerator to solidify, which is also sufficient time for us to contemplate what we have created."

Really reflect on the food crimes that they're in the active process of committing.

Claude, peeking over the rim of one of the ramekins, looks up at Dedue. "I've never actually needed help from a recipe book to make me question my life choices at 3 AM." He hops up onto Dedue's shoulder as Dedue carries the ramekins, on a tray, to the fridge.

Then, in a smooth cut, it's the next morning, and Claude is on the counter rubbing sleep out of his four eyes as Dedue fetches the tray from the fridge, seemingly seconds after he'd just put it in there.

Dedue sets the tray down onto the counter and takes both a plate and a ramekin, holding them up so that the camera has a full and unobstructed view of him turning the ramekin over and... dispensing the contents. It has, of course, formed into the shape of its mold, and jiggles.

As the plate is lowered for Claude's inspection, somehow his bemused distaste is visible even on a Joltik's tiny face. "Ah, just how I like my soup - congealed."

"Indeed." Just as soup was meant to be served, as a solid. "This recipe also calls for the aspic to be topped with... mayonnaise."

He says that word like someone else might say 'taxes', or 'cockroach' but, nevertheless, spreads the mayo onto the top of the aspic and at least attempts to make it visually appealing by neatly leveling it off and dusting it with paprika. This is a more difficult task than might be initially anticipated, on account of the jiggling.

Dedue takes a demitasse spoon and scoops out a small portion of the aspic, which he then hands down for Claude. He takes another, more normal-sized spoon to take a portion for himself, and tries some of their creation. Because of the gelatin consistency of the dish, he doesn't exactly have to chew it, but it's... certainly a thing. It's a Thing that exists in his mouth.

"Ah," he says, after swallowing. "It tastes like an unfortunate marinara sauce. And I do not taste any clove."

Claude, after a dubious sample of the tiny portion on the demitasse spoon, has collapsed on the counter, back legs splooted, front legs pressed over his face. "Now if only I couldn't taste the other ingredients, either. Why am I not surprised they considered the appropriate pairing for molded misery to be mayonnaise?"

Dedue's head turns to gaze directly into the camera. His eyes pierce through to the viewer's very soul.

"Because this recipe was written by a white man."

The video ends.

OOC note: This video is actually being uploaded to StaryuTube! Responding to it like it's a StaryuTube comments section isn't just welcome, it's openly encouraged. Both Claude and Dedue, along with their social media manager Dimitri's IT rat will be responding!

Comments

text

[forsaintcecilia]

It's like... Tomato jelly.

I feel like I've got no room to talk, there are plenty of weird textures in food where I'm from, but that seems like a waste of good tomato soup.

text

[donoteattheweeds]

It is not dissimilar to tomato jelly, yes.

Perhaps it could be salvaged by eating it with bread, as one might a jelly?

[Sufficiently good carbs can cover up a lot of culinary sins.]

Re: text

[forsaintcecilia]

You could spread it on toast, like jam?

Or use it like a condiment?

[donoteattheweeds]

It would have been better served being made as jam from the start, but it could perhaps be serviceable in the same role. Perhaps on garlic toast, to compensate for the blandness of the aspic itself. Or as a spread in a grilled cheese sandwich.

[forsaintcecilia]

You can make jam out of tomatoes? Like the same way you'd make it out of fruit?