[Video; after the final tournament round]

[uber_marionettist]

[It's a video! A video of Dirk with the camera angle set low against the sunset, creating a very dramatic angle indeed.]

Well, well.

I suppose congratulations are in order. Though I'm reluctant to say so. Not that my opponent didn't earn his flowers, but the rest of you?

Oof. Yikes, even.

That was a test. I was testing you. And y'all almost didn't make it. Of the whole crop, only one of you had what it took to eliminate one guy running a single gimmick. Maybe a gimmick and a half, if I'm being charitable in my assessment of my own game. Which I do generally like to be, at least when I'm doing a public bit like this. But come on. I even left a comically oversized weakness in my strat and it wasn't until the very last second that anyone was successful in actually exploiting it. Some of you tried, but without any plan for actual follow-through.

It's the nature of the beast that the majority isn't meant for greatness, and I understand that. I'm not an unreasonable person. Despite claims otherwise, and the existence of actual dedicated groups founded on the principle of how I'm apparently and supposedly a danger to their children. But as a reflection on the entirety of outworlder proficiency, this tournament came so close to being an actual embarrassment that it turns my fucking stomach. Not because it reflects poorly on me. Obviously. I nearly took it all. I could have, if I'd wanted to. Easily. I let you all win. And even then barely, despite all the obvious flaws and weaknesses I left for you.

I'm not mad, though.

I'm going to turn this into a learning experience. A teachable moment, if you will.

Ask yourself: what would you have done if I'd pulled out all the stops? Just let me steamroll you like a six-second Looney Tunes gag, flattening your so-called best to a quantum superposition with the second dimension? Never once stopping to consider the consequences of allowing that 'best' (I hate to call it that, I really do) to be so predictably banal?

Contemplate that, and where you (collectively) went wrong. Where did I, very much on purpose I remind you, leave openings? What could have been done sooner to stop me?

Oh. And tick tock. I'm waiting.

Comments

Video - obviously we have to finish our first thread first but

[seacub]

[...................................Slow sip of his drink....]

video;

[nightyorb]

[Nostrils flaring cause what the heck. What the absolutely fucking heck.]

Dude. You are a sore-ass loser, holy shit. Like, this is truly pathetic on a level I've never seen before, and I know Gilear.

[uber_marionettist]

[An eyebrow lifts.]

You do realise I have no idea who that is, right?

[The eyebrow returns to neutral, and he keeps talking.]

You're right, though. You, at least, have nothing to be ashamed of. Out of everyone, you accomplished vastly more with vastly less than almost the entire field. If you want my prize, you can have it. I forgot to check what it was, but I'd say you've more than earned it.

video;

[songofthedawn]

Oh, is that why you forgot to use Ice Beam against Dipika?

[:) :) :)]

[uber_marionettist]

I promise you I have no idea what you're talking about.

Seriously, I don't. Which one was Dippy-ka again?

text

[angewiesen]

Wow. That was a bonafide tantrum. You definitely still piss the bed at night.

[uber_marionettist]

I understand why you find the low-hanging fruit tempting. I'd encourage you to reach a little higher, though. Either to engage with the lesson I'm trying to teach you ridiculous ingrates or at least try a little harder to convincingly deliver an insult. I mean, you're the one who lost to me, so what does that say?

Text; un: fiercewings

[feathersfly]

i also frequently feel the need to take literal minutes to explain to the internet how not mad i am about friendly competitions i could've won if i'd bothered.

wait, no i don't.

[uber_marionettist]

Minutes and time are meaningless when you're immortal. Especially when you're me.

video;

[machismost]

What the hell? You shouldn't have to put other people down to build yourself up. That's so unmanly!

[uber_marionettist]

Who's putting people down?

I'm doing the exact opposite. I don't need building up, but they do, and I'm offering a helping hand. I am over here making an effort on their behalf, extending a ladder so they can grab on.

video

[orangesmith]

...What the fuck?

[Narancia lost too (in the first round, even!), but you don't see him griping about it on the network!]

[uber_marionettist]

What's wrong? Do I need to slow down?

You do know that you can just replay the video, right?

[video]

[soupguy]

Oh, you're the one who had the really weird Pokemon... You're really this mad after losing only once the whole time?

[Boober sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose. Look, no one ever pulls an "I mean to do that" when they actually meant to do something, and seeing it done so publicly and insistently is practically giving him a headache.]

I'll never understand why some people get so upset over losing games... Most people who play a game are going to lose.

[uber_marionettist]

Don't pull that face like you're somehow better than me.

I'm not mad and I don't know why everyone is getting that out of this.

The 'weird' Pokemon were part of the bit. I have plenty of perfectly normal Pokemon I could have used. Check out my Elite Four challenge. The whole thing was completely on purpose.

[video]

[blue_ice]

[ It's like looking in a funhouse mirror, oh no. He looks over his shoulder before answering, his tournament notebook off to the side. ]

...while I appreciate learning from all the champions, as someone who perpetually placed second in my home world's sport:

Sometimes it's better to save the speech and blow something up.

I don't know if Dirk is allowed to recognise Kaiba and idek what's funnier

[uber_marionettist]

[...

The worst part is that he's right.

And Dirk is about to point out that he has the awkward position of needing to maintain his League status... when he realises that what he could have done, and should have done, is blow up his entire Gym.

Fucking god damn shit fuck. God damn it.

Kaiba does not get to see Dirk narrowly avoid punching a hole in the hall of the extremely expensive hotel room Emet picked, which he (almost) does because (in his mortified fury) he forgot that he's not at home, where the walls are basically concrete.

It's a shame, because Dirk ends up instead nearly falling out of his chair and has to grab the wooden desk for balance. And getting to see that would have been really funny.

In the video he actually sends, however, he's perfectly composed.

Unfortunately, the resulting deadpan makes it completely impossible to tell whether or not he's being serious.]

When you're right, you're right.

My mistake, really. I got committed to the idea that I needed to maintain my Champion status, but this would have been the perfect opportunity for a Face-Heel turn and I whiffed it.

Does that lil book of yours contain any backup plans for that?

Anonymous Text

[dreamsofahero]

You know I would say this is pretty poor sportsmanship coming from an Aurora League gym leader, except that the Indigo League does have Whitney.

Then again, Whitney doesn't record her tantrums to be posted to the network.

[uber_marionettist]

You really think I'm shedding tears over this? Nah. I'm not a sensitive little girl needing a fistful of tissues and a benzo prescription.

Come off anon and you're free to try again, though.

text;

[amaure]

I see your most magnanimous attempts at teaching are going over rather well.

[Had he been thousands of years younger he might have found such tantrums utterly embarassing. Guess it's a good thing he's come to find them both entertaining and endearing.]

1/2 (Public half)

[uber_marionettist]

Honestly. I don't even know why I tried this. You would think I'd've learned after Homestuck^2's disastrous attempt to commune with my audience, but you know how it is. I'm just a real fuckin' masochist for the people. Or a relentless, hopeless idealist. The two tend to go hand in hand.

Well, fuck 'em. If they don't want the lessons I'm trying to impart, that's their loss. And a pain in my personal ass.

[bestswordmaster]

dirk
this is beneath you.
you should indeed turn this into a learning experience
for yourself.
learn from those who battle with different styles and strategies
to grow stronger yourself.
perhaps then you might actually win next time.

[uber_marionettist]

If this is, as you say, 'beneath me', then ask yourself (and I do mean that, I genuinely want you to look inward and plumb the depths of this question that I am about to pose here):

Why am I doing it?

[Video]

[cyan_maid]

[Something about this post sticks in Jane's craw.

It's hard to explain why, really. She had no stake in the recent tournament, her efforts wholly focused on the upcoming Christmas Market and the sudden presentation invitation. She cheered for everyone she knew, and was happy with the results. Good battles, good friends, a thrill to see this motley crew of disparate peoples thrive in what is ostensibly an alien world, albeit one based off of a beloved video game franchise. Frankly, this is just DiStri being DiStri on Main, and she could leave it at that. She should leave it at that.

...She should. And yet.]

I certainly can't answer your question off the top of my head, but given some time to review the fights - which are all over StaryuTube anyway - I would be amicable to showing you whatever answer I come up with. Then again, that relies on you being predictable, and from years of experience I know you are anything but.

[A pause. She might as well have sent him a note challenging him to a rooftop strife, but Crockberts never did things that way.]

Still, now that you've presented your Trick Room Puzzle, I can't help but want to bust it on behalf of those who could not.

[uber_marionettist]

[Jane. Jane, Jane, Jane. This is why, despite everything--despite all the many Dirks and Janes and Scratches and Crockers and Paradox Space knows what and who else may have come between him and you, and still is between the two....

He just can't stop loving who you are.]

Oh, thank fuck. No, not even that. Thank you. Yes.

Thank you, Jane.

This is what I want to see. This is why I'm here. This is what I'm talking about.

Please, I am on my literal knees--oh, hang on.

[Dirk steps away from his desk, picks up his Gear and positions it so that instead of angling up to a dramatic, villain-worthy view of his face, it is now angled down, so that Jane and everyone else can see Dirk Strider get down on the fucking floor, on his knees, in an act of equal parts appreciation and supplication.]

I on my literal knees now, and yes, I am begging you. Fucking do it. Wreck my shit, Crocker. Come at me.

Show me and the rest of these yahoos up.

....

[There's a bit of a pause as he reaches up to the desk and turns the camera off.

Lacking his post-canon narrative omniscience and omnipotence means he also lacks the ability to do that without physically... you know, doing it. Whoops.]

video

[islandshore]

[Rikuuuu... is not amused, and it's very obvious from his exasperated look that he's not gonna keep quiet about this.]

Dude. I've been here over a decade. I was willing to give the benefit of the doubt. Keep things amicable, but this?

This is just sad.

Just own up to your loss. You had a solid strategy, or you wouldn't have made it to the finals, but no trainer's invincible. Sometimes, you can't cover every possibility. Sometimes you lose.

You don't see the other participants flipping out like this.

[uber_marionettist]

[It is incredible, really, that in his reply, Dirk is the one looking unimpressed.]

....

Huh.

You know, I'd ask who you were giving the benefit of this supposed doubt to, but your attempt at a scathing retort actually explains a lot of what's happening here in my replies. Specifically, it illuminates the fact that not a one of you know what 'flipping out' really looks like.

Which puts me in a bit of a position, because now I either gotta pretend like I think everyone else is capable of being reasonable and do my best to repeatedly and tediously explain to each and every one of you that what you are witnessing is not, in fact, anywhere in the remote fucking vicinity of a 'flipping out'...

Or I have to go out there and actually do a physical demonstration of what I would be attemtping to explain, and invariably face the equally-tedious fallout of everyone assuming that's a sincere demonstration of character instead of an example being made, which would put me exactly where I am now anyway, just weeks later and at the end of a whole lot of irritating and wasted extra effort.

Either way, it looks like I have some work to do.

[Now he looks pensive. Way to go, Riku. You gave him something to think about... I'm sure this will have no consequences for anyone later.]

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[epitaffio]

[This... seems kind of...]

I guess I'd be pretty upset if I got as far as you did before I lost.

[Hell, he was upset after losing in the first round, but he had the decency to stew in it privately. Maybe mentally check out a little before Diavolo made him feel better, but. You know.]

Did you really lose on purpose?

[uber_marionettist]

I wouldn't say I lost on purpose, no. And at no point in all of that did I claim anything of the sort. That would be unsportsmanlike, and cheating besides.

What I did, and now have subsequently explained to an uncomprehending audience of obvious dunces, is that I purposefully set myself up to have specific, exploitable vulnerabilities while also taking advantage of easily-observable trends in strategy and team composition. That I lost was no mean feat, but that victory was always there for the taking.

[crystalmaster]

[Radley can never resist a chance for a good snark when it's called for, and he definitely thinks this qualifies.]

Ooh, sour grapes! My, my, but you take it to a whole new level. I'd like to think you're still dizzy from walking into that pole, but sadly, from what I've previously observed of you, I rather doubt it. What a shining example of sportsmanship you are to whatever fan base you have left!

anon;

[prayreturn]

[ Minfilia still sees Dirk as dangerous. Thus, her solution: ]

Since the finals were on the second day, if I knew I was fighting you, I would have used berries to my advantage.

When ingested by humans, they have quite powerful side-effects, even in smaller doses.

[ video | un: keith ]

[tempredmental]

[Keith looked less than impressed. In fact, he wasn't impressed at all.]

So, instead of just congratulating the winners, you decide to give a back-handed "helpful lesson" to people who might already feel bad enough for losing and pretend that you left an opening on purpose out of the goodness of your heart.

Damn. Even I wasn't that much of a jerk when I was a cadet.

[Sure, he had his moments where he shoved his superior piloting skills in other people's faces, but he never pretended that a failure was on purpose to teach the other cadets a lesson.]

Video

[heartofalioness]

[And Allura's sharing the same video screen, looking over Keith's shoulder with the same lack of respect for this tantrum.]

That is a very low bar that you would clear very easily, love. You, at least, have self-awareness and compassion.

[If Dirk does have those qualities, she's not seeing them...]

Not to mention you don't feel the need to lie to yourself or others in an attempt to soothe a brittle ego.

Text; un: fearthedeer

[vrdantwind]

Listen, after observing this for awhile, I have to ask - do you really think "there were ways to turn my strategy against me" is a test? Even if you set it up intentionally as some kind of sportsmanship...what's the meaningful difference between that and a strategy that has exploitable weaknesses because it's not very good? Intent?

You left holes in your own strategy on purpose, sure, I'll buy that; it sounds like the kind of thing you'd do. And I guess that's supposed to imply that the rest of us who tried to - but couldn't - eliminate those flaws in our own strategies are less impressive, because we didn't sow the seeds of our own failures with intent. But I have my doubts that, even if you had tried, you could have come up with a strategy with zero flaws. Just about every strategy has its weaknesses. The winners all exploited the weaknesses in their opponents' strategies better than the losers did. You say you didn't lose on purpose, so much as you made it possible for yourself to lose, right? So if that's the case, you also had your moment of not exploiting your opponent's strategic weaknesses as effectively as he exploited yours. Unless you're going to credit Riku with an unbeatable strategy - and I don't think you are - then you lost for the same reasons anyone else lost, and with the same lack of intent to lose.

So if it's exceedingly unlikely an unbeatable strategy for pokémon battles exists, and if you lost for the same reasons every other competitor lost, namely because Riku capitalized better in the weaknesses in your strategy better than you capitalized on his...I'm kind of at a loss for what it is you're looking down on everyone else here for. What makes you better? The fact that you chose the way you lost?

[TEXT][after our other thread is finished SHHHHH]

[foolishwren]

oh shit..... oh fuck....

i...... i need to punch you again

i think the first one wore off

[uber_marionettist]

What?

Wait, are you being serious, or is this a bit?

Text | crypt_thing

[bloodyroses]

why can't you just chill

cw suicide joke

[uber_marionettist]

I've got a medical condition with a number of symptoms, one of which is being right about everything, even when it's worse for everyone (including me) than my being wrong.

The bad news is that it's terminal.

That's also the good news.

Until then, I'm afraid I don't have an off switch. For it or for anything else. You could not pay me to stop because I can't.

Does that answer your questions, or should I keep going?