7 ∅ [Video/Action for Route 39]

[callbacks]

[The broadcast begins, but there's an unintended second or two of jostling before Dave gets the camera set up the way he wants. The cause: He's outside, for once, leaning against a tree to get out of the noontime sun. He looks...actually pretty content, if slightly sunburned. It's fading, at least. The straw cowboy hat he's resting on his chest must be doing some good.]

Howdy, y'all--[He breaks character immediately for a snicker.] Christ, okay, never let me say anything like that again. Anyway. For those of you unused to human custom, we got a time-honored tradition of embarrassing people publicly on the day they emerged gross and wailing into existence.

[He shifts so he can dig a folded piece of paper out from his pocket and opens it. A Ponyta nearby wanders over to check out what he's doing, then blows into his hair and walks off again to watch over the Miltank they're rounding up. The corner of Dave's mouth turns up.]

This one goes out to a special dude on his special day. He knows who he is. P.S., it's Karkat.

[One breath in, and then:]

Okay,
D.J. Strider here.

[Oh god he's gonna rap.]

I gotta take the time to make a June declaration
On my sanctioned lunch break from bovine aggregation
Since we've all been re-stationed to make reparations
To this fucked-up earthquaked Pokémon nation:
Congratulations! On the commemoration of your buggy origination
The germination, gestation, and ex-cavern relocation
And the perpetuation of your person-ization
To the tune of eight sweeps of EXP accumulation
By my admittedly shitty estimation, (leave some room for deviation).
So, yeah, in celebration I propose a coronation--

[And he lifts his hat to reveal: A Burger Slowking cardboard crown and a shit-eating grin.]

For my favorite crustacean on his wriggling day,
And if y'all answer to Cancer make sure to say hey.

[...Okay maybe he's done. For now. Dave puts the hat and crown aside and starts braiding little wildflowers together.]

We'll be accepting donations of birthday cake and child-friendly toys at the MooMoo Farm, care of Dave Strider.

Comments

text;

[callbacks]

bro no dont steal from my current fucking employers

text;

[brocrux]

I was going to continue this scenario by depicting myself as a lone ranger-esque figure.
My mouth covered with a bandana as I ride my stolen horse into a life of crime.
Yee-fucking-haw.
But I'm under the impression you think I might actually do it.

text;

[callbacks]

well
would you

text;

[brocrux]

The allure of the pony makes it incredibly tempting.
But no.

Not without a viable escape route, anyway.

text;

[callbacks]

also these ponyta can probably kick your ass just saying
theyre their own security system
theyd set your hair on fire and then where would you be

text;

[brocrux]

Why would you even go there?

text;

[callbacks]

these ponyta are my brethren and i wont tolerate crimes done upon them even in hypothetical jest
im totally working here until i save enough up to get one
john and my shuckle squad will just have to sit tight in cianwood

text;

[brocrux]

You're going to buy one?

text;

[callbacks]

just because youre a budding felon doesnt mean thats the path for everyone

text;

[brocrux]

Now would be a bad time to mention how I broke into a museum once and stole several exhibits.

How much was one again?
I'm clearly not working hard enough.

text;

[callbacks]

depends on the breeding stock
its 4500 p for your basic pony package but the price goes up the better the lineage

text;

[brocrux]

Got it.
This is happening.
Legally happening, I mean.

text;

[callbacks]

is there one youve got in mind in particular or do you just want to get your grubby mitts on a pony

text;

[brocrux]

The latter.
I haven't found one that I have taken a particular liking to above the others.
They're all pretty great, as I expected. Fucking ponies, man.
Do you have your eyes on one yet?

text;

[callbacks]

yeah kinda
ive been working with her a lot and shes just
shes really something
itll take me a while to save up the cash though so im trying not to get too attached in case someone takes her before i can

text;

[brocrux]

[ Wow. That's not okay. ]

Oh.
Hmm.
Perhaps the hard work and how incredibly charming you are will earn you a discount.

text;

[callbacks]

is that what you say to all the boys

text;

[brocrux]

Depends.
On a scale of rank moldy cheese to liquid sex, how would you rate that line?

text;

[callbacks]

springing it by surprise like that works ok but i wouldnt use it on someone you earnestly intend to seduce

text;

[brocrux]

Got it. I'll refrain from repeating it to any and all potential future receivers of my horrible affections.

text;

[callbacks]

come on dude youre not that bad
im sure anyone would be lucky to be on the receiving end of your shitty attempts at flirting

text;

[brocrux]

I doubt that would be considered lucky.

private text;

[callbacks]

is this about jake

private text;

[brocrux]

Fuck.
What?
No.

Yes.
I don't know.
Honestly, the amount of shit in my shitty attempts with him were so deplorable that I shouldn't be allowed to flirt with anyone again.
This doesn't even matter right now. I'm not trying to get with anyone here, nor would I even trust myself to.
How desperate did I just sound that you immediately went there?
I can't believe I ruined a pony conversation with my bullshit.

private text;

[callbacks]

the greatness of ponies isnt going anywhere dude we can get back to ponies in a minute
i just want to assure you that all humans commit unspeakable idiocies in our teenage years particularly when it comes to mackin on other teenagers
did other dave tell you about terezi