victory_road | 1st Recipe [New Bark Town, Video/Action]

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1st Recipe [New Bark Town, Video/Action]

[Video]

[There are a lot of things you don't expect when you're Jane Crocker. You don't expect the entire world to shift scenes in the blink of an eye, floating in the ruins of a golden moon one second and waking up in what looks to be a normal, sunny bedroom the next. You don't expect some woman whom you've never seen before in your entire life to come in, claim to be your mother, shove a backpack into your arms and kick you out of the house with vague directions to a - a laboratory? And you certainly don't expect to be given what you're darn tootin' sure is a Pokeball once you get there, and as soon as you go, are again booted out towards the only dirt road outta town: Route 29.

So forgive her if she spent the last night in town, pounding on the door of her "mother"'s house and demanding to be let back in and given an explanation. When her video comes on this morning, it shows a very tired, bespectacled teenage girl with prominent buck teeth looking about 110% done with everything around her.]

...Okay, it's on. I think. [She squints, as if looking for something on the Pokegear to in fact indicate it is on, before continuing.] Um...hello? I'm basically going on a hunch that this...weird thing can be used as a communicator of sorts. Almost like FaceTime on a smartphone, right? I-I really hope so, or else I'm making calls into the goshdarned aether. [She sighs, shaking her head.] Anyway. If someone out there knows exactly how someone can wake up in what should very well be a video game that isn't supposed to suck you into a virtual reality, and if there's a way for me to leave, I'd greatly appreciate it. I...was sort of in the middle of something. [A look of hesitance crosses her face, as if...she may be asking to go back, but she sure as fuck doesn't want to at the moment.] I'll be in this...New Bark Town place for a little longer, if you need to know where I am.

- Oh, and, one more thing? [The video blurs as it shifts to a very pink creature that's quietly munching on some trail mix by Jane's side.] Not that she isn't cute, but, um...is this really a Pokemon?

[Action]

[True to her word, Jane lingers in town for the day. The pink Pokemon - Audino, her Pokedex has explained - seems happy to sit nearby and play with the hood on her unusual attire. This seems to be proving endearing enough to get Jane to smile despite herself, but given how warily she looks at the natives, it seems she'd do well with some sort of human conversation that doesn't tend to repeat itself.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Oh gosh! That would have been magnificent, but no.
I was heiress to the entirety of CrockerCorp, so my future was going to be geared more towards mixing spoons and business than sleuthing.
Or, at least, if I had gotten to stay on Earth and my great grandmother WASN'T, apparently, an eons-old fishlike tyrant from outer space who would've most likely found a way to kill me eventually.
I mean, I'd like to have some faith in myself when it comes to survival, and I have been able to get out of assassination attempts before, but from the way Dirk and Roxy would insist on things, I would've gotten skewered before I could even try to fight back.

...Sorry, I know that's all really weird to just unload on someone you don't know, but I've been thinking about Earth a lot lately, and. Well, um. Things like that.

[She really wishes things could just...go back to how they were. No reality-altering games, no dead planets, no looming threats of "Fish Hitler". Just Maple Valley, Washington and her Dad and a handful of online friends that always made her smile.]

[heiress to

eons-old fishlike tyrant

assassination attempts

............................... huh.]

I GUESS THAT EXPLAINS THE CULLING FORK.

[. . .]

Uh...
The what?

THE CULLING FORK
TRIDENT? NORMALLY HEIRESSES WOULD HAVE A 2X3DENTKIND BUT YOU'RE A HUMAN SO

I...do have a trident? But it's a relatively recent thing?
As in within the last couple of months? And out of necessity for fighting skyscraper-sized skeleton monsters?
Because I started out with Spoonkind, and then my Bowlbuster was given an upgrade for November 11th - funnily enough, 2X3DENT Day - and could switch to Forkkind, and then the pointy bits just seemed better suited for fighting when we started alchemizing weapons and

But, I mean, besides all that - how did you know I use a trident??

OH UH

[Fuck. Wait, actually—]

YOU HAD IT WITH YOU. WHEN WE MET.
IN MY PAST I MEAN NOT YOURS. THAT HASN'T HAPPENED FOR YOU YET.
HAHA TIME TRAVEL SURE IS WEIRD

Oh.
Uh.
Okay?
Sure, that...makes sense.
I do hope we weren't in any danger.

[Because why would she whip out her weapon if she didn't have to fight hahahahah right]

YES NO DANGER WE WERE ALL PERFECTLY SAFE

[?????? Yes, this is clearly helping. Ugh, why did he say anything.]

IT'S NOT EVEN RELEVANT ANYWAY
OR IT MIGHT NOT BE RELEVANT DEPENDING ON WHAT TIMELINE YOU'RE FROM.
NOT THAT WHICH TIMELINE YOU'RE FROM IS RELEVANT HERE TO BEGIN WITH BUT I'D ASSUME WE MET DIFFERENTLY IN THE OTHER ONE.

[You know, eventually, someone is going to have to sit her down and explain the bit about the timelines being a thing. For now, she's really confused, but...also getting the sense that every single avenue she's gone down with this guy re: conversations has ended in things that are uncomfortable? Like...what the fuck?]

Um. This is going to sound a little odd, but, are you...alright?
Maybe it's just me, but it seems like we keep hitting walls with the things we're talking about.
Things that you don't want me to mention, things that suddenly become "not relevant"...
I'm a bit concerned, to say the least, but you've got me totally stumped on what to say or ask.

I'M FINE. WHAT? YES, COMPLETELY FINE.
LOOK IT'S JUST THAT SOME OF THIS SHIT IS

[Is what, taboo in his culture?? How the fuck does he write this off? Or, fuck, maybe not write off, but—]

SOMETHING YOU SHOULD TALK TO YOUR STRIDER ABOUT. PROBABLY? IT WOULD BE WEIRD COMING FROM ME. YOU BARELY KNOW ME
I GUESS THERE'S SOME SHIT YOU COULD ONLY HEAR FROM ME BUT TRUST ME YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW ANY OF IT
AND AGAIN IT MIGHT NOT EVEN BE YOUR TIMELINE. BUT UH

[It might be, actually. "Things that you don't want me to mention" all have to do with Gamzee, after all, and all those little bottles of blood. Would she have gotten those from him in the other timeline? Where was Gamzee in the other timeline?]

EITHER WAY THIS ISN'T A CONVERSATION YOU SHOULD HAVE BEFORE YOU'VE GOTTEN SETTLED IN.

Um...
Well...

Okay. Sure. I'll do that.
But afterwards, if I decide I'd like to hear the things that only come from you, would you object to that?
Obviously I won't be asking, say, in the next couple of days, but in the future.
When, like you said, I've settled in.

["Her Strider". Right, okay. That'll be something to keep in mind. Just...start making that mental list of "Uncomfortable Topics to Examine feat. Dirk Strider".]

[FUCK]

UH
YEAH OK. I MEAN, WHEN YOU'RE READY.

[Should he mentione Jade in this context. They'd both been... altered, so. But maybe not yet?

Yeah, no. That can wait.]

SORRY.

[Save your fucks for when shit goes down Karkat. You've probably got a couple months tops.]

No no, it's fine!
I guess we're just stumbling into a lot of awkward things, aren't we?
Gosh, what a lousy impression I've made...
Um, anyway, so since you're wrapped up in the whole "videogame that pulls you into an alternate plane of existence for the purpose of making a new universe" deal, I'm assuming that means you're...traveling with my teen Poppop and everyone else, right?

[Do not underestimate the vast quantity of fucks he has to give. Or, uh, not give as appropriate, 'cause he's clearly a stone cold badass with no squishy feelings to speak of. Yup, that's Karkat Vantas. Stone. Cold. Badass.]

WHAT NO DON'T APOLOGIZE
IT'S MY FAULT IF ANYTHING, YOU'RE PROBABLY NOT GOING TO HAVE THESE PROBLEMS WITH ANYONE ELSE IN OUR GROUP SO
OK YOU KNOW WHAT JUST FORGET IT. SHIT'S AWKWARD, WE'LL DEAL WITH IT LATER, ET CETERA, ET CETERA, FOCUS ON GETTING ADJUSTED TO THIS PLACE FIRST AND DON'T SWEAT IT
AND UH
WHICH ONE'S A POPPOP AGAIN? I'M ASSUMING YOU MEAN JOHN BUT WHAT THE FUCK HUMAN RELATION IS THAT, I'VE NEVER HEARD OF IT.
YES I'M TRAVELING WITH THEM. MY TEAM'S SESSION RESULTED IN THE HUMAN UNIVERSE, AND THEIR SCRATCHED SESSION RESULTED IN YOURS
IT'S A LONG FUCKING STORY.

[Much stone, so cold, such badass. Wow.]

Uugh. Alright. If you insist.
I really don't WANT to have any problems with you, though, since I barely know you, but we'll work it out later. Whatever it is.

A Poppop is a grandfather, and yes, that would be John.

Oh, is THAT how it worked?
I knew it was some sort of connection, but I've never really grasped the whole concept before.
That's probably because I was too busy being stubborn to actually entertain the idea for quite some time.

[...]

RIGHT. LATER.

[MOVING RIGHT ALONG.]

WHY THE FUCK DO YOU HAVE DIFFERENT NAMES FOR THE SAME RELATIONSHIP ANYWAY. IT MAKES NO SENSE.

IT'S MOSTLY HOW THAT WORKED. LIKE I SAID, IT'S A LONG STORY.
TO GET A FULL PICTURE YOU ACTUALLY NEED TO ADD YET ANOTHER SESSION, BEFORE ALL OF OURS.
THE FIRST TROLL SESSION WAS DOOMED TO FAILURE SORT OF LIKE HOW THE FIRST HUMAN SESSION ALSO GOT SCREWED OVER.
SO THEY SCRATCHED THEIR SESSION TO CREATE OURS. OURS WAS "SUCCESSFUL," THUS LEADING TO THE CREATION OF THE HUMAN UNIVERSE
AND THEN THE SESSION PLAYED BY YOUR ANCESTORS WAS SCRATCHED, LEADING TO YOUR SESSION.
THERE WAS A WHOLE TON OF FUCKERY BEHIND THE SCENES BUT THAT'S BASICALLY HOW IT WENT DOWN.
WE DIDN'T EVEN KNOW ABOUT THE PREVIOUS TROLL SESSION UNTIL WE STARTED VISITING ALL THE DAMN DREAM BUBBLES AND FRANKLY I WISH WE'D NEVER MET THAT RAGING PACK OF ASSSHOLES
I MEAN MEENAH WAS OK BUT THE REST WERE COMPLETELY INSUFFERABLE
YOU'RE LUCKY YOUR ANCESTOR IS MERELY ANNOYING.

[Yes let's do that. Jane feels a little better at the sudden influx of text from Karkat, even if it's about stuff that's...still a little weird to her, and confusing, but she is going to make an effort to keep up! After all, he's talking.]

Oh! That depends on regional dialects.
For example, there's different names for soda all over the United States - soda, pop, coke - but it's all the same stuff.
It just depends on what words people like to use where you are.

Hm...so the game goes even further back than I thought.
I'm guessing a "scratch" is sort of like a...a hard reset?
You wipe the previous data and start relatively fresh, right?
That's just...it's so odd, especially when you live your whole life believing your universe is the start of everything.
It makes more sense thinking about it like a game, but then THAT makes things so depressing! Just because we were supposed to play the stupid thing doesn't mean that's all we are.

He doesn't seem so bad! I mean, I've only just met him today, but I certainly don't think I'll find John annoying in the future.

OK I STILL THINK YOU HUMANS MAKE SHIT MORE COMPLICATED THAN IT NEEDS TO BE BUT WHATEVER. NOT MY PROBLEM. I GUESS IF IT MAKES SENSE TO YOU THAT'S GOOD ENOUGH.

FOR ALL WE KNOW THERE'S AN INFINITE PROGRESSION OF THIS SHIT. I MEAN, THE POINT OF THE GAME IS LITERALLY TO CREATE A WHOLE NEW FUCKING UNIVERSE AND IT'S BEEN PROVEN TIME AND TIME AGAIN THAT TIME ITSELF (HA FUCKING HA) IS IRRELEVANT AS FAR AS THIS WHOLE SYSTEM IS CONCERNED.
THERE MAY NOT EVEN *BE* A STARTING POINT AND IT'S SHELLBEASTS ALL THE WAY DOWN. OR FROGS, WHATEVER.
BUT FROM OUR PERSPECTIVE IT'S JUST THOSE FOUR UNIVERSES THAT MATTER. AND I GUESS WHATEVER UNIVERSE IS CREATED AT THE END OF ALL THIS.
YES THE SCRATCH IS A HARD RESET. IT'S LIKE THOSE GAMES WITH RANDOMLY GENERATED LEVELS, YOU KNOW? YOU HAVE A CERTAIN NUMBER OF SET PIECES AND SOME OTHER FIXED PARAMETERS THE GAME HAS TO FOLLOW SO THAT EVERYTHING WORKS THE WAY IT SHOULD, BUT ANYTHING NOT COVERED BY THOSE GUIDELINES CAN DO WHATEVER THE FUCK IT WANTS
AND I GUESS BY DEFINITION THE PLAYERS AND THEIR ANCESTORS ARE THE SET PIECES? IT'S FUCKED UP NO MATTER HOW YOU LOOK AT IT.

JUST DON'T ASK HIM ABOUT NICHOLAS CAGE OR ANY OF THE OTHER BOWEL MOVEMENTS MASQUERADING AS CINEMA HE'S OBSESSED WITH AND YOU SHOULD BE FINE, PROBABLY. HE'S KIND OF TOLERABLE BESIDES THAT.

If you insist.

God, it's not so much "fucked up" as it is sort of hopeless sounding when put that way.
I mean, I have my own hopes and dreams, as I'm certain all of us in this situation do. Does the game, and our fated involvement, mean that none of that...matters?
We're all just pawns on a board no matter what?

I'm not partial to Nicholas Cage.
If John is, he

[This part out of everything is the hardest and most awkward to write.]

He probably.
Got it from Jake.
If that's a thing you can genetically inherit.

I GUESS
TO A CERTAIN EXTENT, PROBABLY. I MEAN WE'RE EXERTING FREE WILL WITHIN THE CONFINES OF THE GAME
SO YES OUR ASPIRATIONS FOR ANYTHING OUTSIDE OF THAT MEAN JACK SHIT. THERE'S NO WAY ANY OF US CAN ACHIEVE OUR DREAM JOB IN OUR HOME UNIVERSES AFTER WE'VE BEEN BOOTED OUT OF THEM, THAT MUCH IS OBVIOUS
AND THEN WITHIN THE GAME ITSELF, IT SORT OF
OK THIS IS VEERING INTO MORE SHIT WE SHOULD TALK ABOUT AFTER YOU'VE FINISHED ADJUSTING BUT I'LL JUST SAY THAT A LOT MORE OF OUR ACTIONS THAN YOU'D THINK AFFECT THE OUTCOME OF THIS BULLSHIT AND ARE THEREFORE RESTRICTED IN SOME SENSE
BUT WE ONLY EVER DISCOVER THAT AFTER THE FACT, SO IT'S KIND OF POINTLESS?
I DON'T KNOW, I'VE HAD THREE YEARS TO TRY AND PROCESS THIS AND IT'S STILL FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE
THERE ARE SO MANY WRONG TURNS WE COULD HAVE TAKEN, DIFFERENT CHOICES THAT WOULD HAVE LED US SOMEWHERE ELSE AND ULTIMATELY TOWARD FAILURE
AND I GUESS IT'S KIND OF REASSURING THAT WE COULD HAVE MADE THOSE CHOICES AT ALL? BUT THE CONSEQUENCES FOR DOING SO WHEN WE WOULDN'T HAVE EVEN FUCKING KNOWN BETTER ARE SO LUDICROUS
THERE'S LITERALLY NOTHING KEEPING US FROM IRREVOCABLY SCREWING OURSELVES OVER BUT CHANCE AND CIRCUMSTANCE
AND EVEN THAT COUNTS FOR BASICALLY NOTHING AT THIS STAGE.

[............. uh. Fuck.]

LOOK CAN YOU JUST FORGET I SAID ALL OF THAT. I'M
A LOT OF THIS HITS TOO CLOSE FOR A LOT OF REASONS AND I SHOULDN'T UNLOAD IT ALL ON YOU. SORRY.
AGAIN I HAD THREE FUCKING YEARS TO THINK ABOUT ALL OF THIS AND IT HASN'T GOTTEN ANY EASIER TO DEAL WITH. THAT'S ALL.

[R i g h t, that's the only problem. Really.

Fuck.]

WHO'S JAKE.

[Fucking crapsauce goddamn it.]

No, no, I'm sorry I...did it again.
I'll answer your last question, but after that we should probably just stick to talking about Pokemon.
I...don't really want to say anything about how futile that makes it all sound.

[Fuck Sburb FUCK SBURB she knows there's no way back but really, truly, fuck Sburb]

Jake is from our session.
I guess he's the other half of the genetics for John and Jade, if the weird relation thing is in play?
Which is really awkward and the LAST thing I want to think about ever again, so. We need to cheer up. It's Pokemon time!!!

HEY NO LIKE I SAID IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT. YOU HAVE NO WAY OF KNOWING ANY OF THIS SHIT IS A GODDAMN ISSUE WITHOUT TOLD SO
SERIOUSLY IT'S FINE. AND WE'LL TALK ABOUT IT LATER AFTER YOUR STRIDER FILLS YOU IN, I GUESS? I MEAN IF YOU WANT TO. OBVIOUSLY IT'S UP TO YOU SO
FUCK. ANYWAY, RIGHT. POKÉMON.

[...]

BUT UH FOR WHAT IT'S WORTH
I MEAN ABOUT JAKE AND YOU AND JOHN AND JADE
I'M GLAD JADE SEEMS TO TAKE MORE AFTER YOU, THEN. YOU SEEM A LOT MORE SENSIBLE

[HAHA OKAY THAT'S ENOUGH EMOTIONS FOR NOW, TIME TO MOVE ON.]

THIS IS POUNCE.

[Yes, he's elected to spam Jane with more pictures, this time of a bewildered-looking Shinx who has apparently entangled herself in a whole damn roll of toilet paper. Nearby, just barely in frame, an exasperated Gligar looks on.]

AND LESATH. SHE'S EVOLVED SINCE THEN BUT I THINK HE NEEDS A STONE OR SOMETHING? I DON'T GET WHY SOME DO AND SOME DON'T, IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE.

Yes. Pokemon.
And, um. Thanks. I suppose. I'm...glad to know THAT much before I meet Jade in person, actually.
Shouldn't be too awkward to meet her, when you put it like that.

[Okay let's stop being idiot goobers and coo at the animal blog-worthy cuteness that is Karkat's many photos.]

Hoo hoo hoo! Looks like somebody had a little too much fun, huh? :B
I'm not sure why some need stones and some don't. I do remember that being a game mechanic though.
There was that Moon Stone thing, and you could use it to evolve...oh, which ones?
Clefairy, Jigglypuff, and the Nidorans I think.
And then I think there were a couple that needed to be traded in order to evolve, which is silly.
You don't even have the creature anymore unless you trade it back!

[.... Riiiiight, when they met. Holy shit, okay, no more of that.]

SHE'S TOO PLAYFUL FOR HER OWN GOOD SOMETIMES. I MEAN SHE'S SORT OF LESS OF A HANDFUL NOW, BUT EFURRY NOW AND THEN SHE PULLS SHIT LIKE THAT.

[...... OH MY GOD fuck fucking fuck1]

I MEAN EVERY. HAHA, TYPOS.
UH ANYWAY YEAH I REMEMBER SOMETHING LIKE THAT COMING UP. I GUESS IT'S SORT OF A VIDEO GAME STAPLE, REALLY, HUNTING FOR SPECIAL ITEMS TO UNLOCK THE "ULTIMATE" VERSION OF WHATEVER BUT IT SEEMS REALLY FUCKING TEDIOUS.
AT LEAST NOT ALL OF THEM ARE LIKE THAT. AND NOT ALL OF MY POKÉMON CARE TOO MUCH ABOUT IT, EXCEPT ZANIAH.

[... Helpful photo. Zaniah seems to be in the midst of primping for the camera, whatever good that does. How do ghost Pokémon work? No one knows.]

TRADING TO TRIGGER EVOLUTIONS SHOULD BE EASY HERE THOUGH, SINCE YOU'LL PROBABLY KNOW THE PERSON YOU'RE TRADING WITH.

[Efurry. Oh my God. Cue the Fefetasprite flashbacks - at least those make her smile. Sweet, precious Fefeta!]

I guess so.
And then if it's just for evolution, you can always trade the Pokemon back.

Oh, she's pretty! What kind is Zaniah?

1st Recipe [New Bark Town, Video/Action]

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[Text] also wow those typos and html fuckery adflkjsgdh

[Text] don't worry about it at all okay idgaf as long as it's legible

[Text] cries

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[Text] sorry my unabashed love for anything remotely anthropological is showing

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