victory_road | text | anon as possible

No!

[Jean leans to the side and bumps his shoulder against Shiro's. You dork.]

Before your mission started. Before everything went to shit.

[He is the biggest dork.]

Oh.

I... don't really. Or I didn't. There was too much else to think about.

[Too much to do, really.]

Mmmmmm.

I think about it, sometimes. How I was before. [Jean shakes his head.] I was so dumb, Shiro. So dumb. I didn't understand anything.

[Not that he understands everything now, but he gets a little bit more, he thinks.]

What do you mean "dumb"?

You've never been "dumb" since I've known you.

[He means that too.]

Heh. Thanks.

[Another friendly shoulder nudge for you, Shiro; Jean appreciates that.]

But you didn't know me before. I was... a dumb brat.

I mean it.

[He nudges him right back.]

I've known plenty of people your age and younger. I really doubt you'd be worse.

You never knew me before Trost.

[You know, when his childhood and innocence went up in flames at the ripe old age of fifteen!]

You can ask Armin, Bertolt, or Sasha. They all knew me back then. They'll tell you.

Okay... you're right, there. I didn't know you then.

But I like who I see now. If that's any consolation.

Thanks. I think, sometimes, that I'm turning out okay too.

[Better than he would have at home, that's for sure.]

You've been a big part of that, you know. Just... talking and listening and being around. Being a good example. Talking about some of my shit... it's helped me sort it out in my own head.

[HINT HINT]

You definitely are.

[He can say that for sure. Without hesitation.]

I'm glad I could be here for you. It... means a lot to know I'm doing something right by someone.

[Yeah okay he gets what you mean buddy. But still...]

You are.

[Shiro is definitely doing right by Jean.]

So...

[ 8 D ? ]

... so?

[Dangit Jean don't do that.]

So I just admitted that talking stuff over with you helped me, and you said that you think I'm turning out okay, so that means that me talking to you helped me turn out okay!

Which means...

[ 8 D ????? Spill it, buddy.]

[Which means Jean isn't going to let this go any time soon. No matter what he wants. He presses his hand to his face, specifically the bridge of his nose. This isn't going away.]

Look. I... I really don't know if this is something talking can help. Or if it's just going to make things worse.

I -- already did that, a little. Made things worse, I mean.

[Sorry, Shiro, you've got Jean on the case now, which means he has no plans to give it up and drop the issue any time soon.]

Shiro. I showed you a rotting corpse with your own face on it, and that didn't make things worse. That was the start to making things better.

[As if to emphasize, Fat Ice Dog rolls over and bonks the side of the bed. Jean reaches a hand down to pet him.]

You'd have to have some seriously messed up stuff to make things worse.

... You saw some of it, Jean.

[Not all of what their shared dream had been was a product of his fears and fiction. Some of it was grounded in real memory.]

[He doesn't quite look at Jean when he says it.]

Tell me that isn't... "messed up".

Oh, it was pretty fucked up. [Excuse the harsher language, but Jean is pretty sure the situation warrants it.] But the part that stands out isn't the eyes, or the running away, or even what they did to your arm or your face.

It's how, when I tripped, you came back for me.

Glad we can agree on that one.

[He's not even going to pull the language check on this. Jean's too right.]

Why is... that what sands out to you?

Edited 2018-05-17 06:44 (UTC)

Wha...

[Ah, the difference in their backgrounds. Jean just stares for a second before explaining.]

Because you did. Look, the 'no man left behind' bullshit? That doesn't happen in a real battle. In a real battle, you're busting your ass to survive and all you care about is number one and sometimes you even... [his voice cracks a little] you leave people behind to die to cover your escape.

But you didn't do that. You were scared shitless, just like I was, but you turned around and came back for me, and I don't think you even knew who I was when that was happening.

You put yourself in danger to try and save me. You came back.

[Looking back on it, that was one of the moments when Shiro started shifting from friend to dad.]

[He has to put a hand on Jean's shoulder, there. Has to reach out and physically contact him. As soon as he hears that little crack.]

When you saw me there... I lost everyone. My whole team. I couldn't go back for them.

[He had to make a difference somehow. He had to help someone. It's as true now as ever before. He's been in a real battle. And even then... you didn't leave your teammates. He couldn't leave his teammates.]

... our commander once threw me into an escape pod, because I wouldn't leave her behind.

So of course I was going to go back for you. I had to.

[Jean's world probably would have killed him long ago, for that selfless habit.]

[Oh yeah, Shiro would've died in the first ten minutes of the Battle for Trost. He probably could have survived training intact, with that sympathetic, giving nature--Marco did--but when it came to real battle, it would have killed him. Even now, Jean thinks that's what probably killed Marco.]

[Shiro and Marco would like each other. Jean hopes against hope they get a chance to meet at some point.]

But that's the point, Shiro: you didn't have to. It would have been smarter not to.

[If the monsters in Shiro's dreams had been occupied with Jean, it would have given Shiro time to escape.]

So why are you so convinced that you left your team behind? Everything I've seen of you shows you leave no one behind. Not if there's anything you can do to prevent it.

It wouldn't have been smarter if it meant you got away.

[Not to him, anyway. To him, someone else's survival would always take priority. The good of everyone else being above his own well-being. It's just how he is. Just how he's been for as long as he can remember.]

[So yes. He did have to. Or he might have stayed alive, and then couldn't live with himself.]

I did -- as far as I knew back then... Matt and his father were still somewhere in wherever we were. [If he remembered them existing at all back then.] I didn't have a say in it, no.

But I ran. I... remember that now.

Is that what's bothering you so much?

[Jean leans over a little bit, bumping his shoulder against Shiro's.]

Because you ran?

No.

Matt already forgave me for that. And... I needed to hear it.

[There's a "but" in there, though. Because there always is. He closes his eyes for a moment, long enough for Luna to barge in, aggressively kneading his bare feet.]

I told you about the monsters. The ones who attacked the party.

That's good.

[Matt rises in Jean's esteem for that.]

[Fat Ice Dog, not to be outdone by a noisy little Meowth, blobs his way up onto the bed and into Jean's lap, where he can comfortably pat Jean with a flipper while nuzzling Shiro's side. Don't be sad, Black Triangle, it's okay! Look at all your friends who are here!]

Yeah, you did.

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