victory_road | 1st credit ✗ video

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1st credit ✗ video

You know, there was so much going on when I arrived, I never did introduce myself on here. Hi. The name's Felix.

Now, obviously I don't need anyone to tell me the basics, don't worry, I already got all of that. I mean, this is by far the weirdest planet I've ever been to, and that's saying something, but I'm a quick learner. I'm much more interested in hearing about--

[Felix is cut off, suddenly, by a horrible burst of static. Sorry folks, it's not pleasant.]

Oh, for the love of... [Light blue sparks are just visible on the feed, originating from the gear from the looks of it. To say Felix looks annoyed would be an understatement. But he takes a deep breath and keeps going.] As... I was saying. I--

[And another interruption. It's music this time; different from the regular music that always plays, this is very clearly a radio station. At first the music drowns out everything, but the volume is lowered as Felix just decides to smack the side of his gear.]

Okay, screw it. New question! How the fuck do you get a Rotom to stay out of your goddamn gear? Because I'm about five seconds away from just throwing this thing into the damn ocean. [More static.] Oh yeah, you heard me. Don't think I won't do it, you obnoxious little--

[And then the feed just cuts out completely. Well then. That happened.]

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I don't even know if it's even mine or it just decided it hates me and is haunting me like the worst kind of ghost ever. It doesn't listen to me or anything, it just stalks me and sneaks into my house.

Oh, buddy, you don't have to tell me about shitty planets with a lack of civilization. You should see the planet I've been dealing with...god damned hell hole...

Wow, you really got yourself the world's most annoying stalker, huh? You must've done something super shitty in a past life to get saddled with that thing!

Oh man, how bad? Because the one I was on just had absolutely nothing. Can't even get a decent freaking drink anywhere there. [Even recently, when he spent most of the time on the Tartarus, there still wasn't much. Prison ships aren't known for being well stocked.] And the only people there without power armor on are corpses.

Nah, it's the good people that suffer, ya know?

Yeah, sounds familiar. Pandora's covered in bandit camps and cannibal dens. And horrible killer animals that drip poison and have like ten arms and two mouths full of razor sharp teeth and they all just love the sweet, sweet taste of person meat. That, uh, goes for the bandits, too.

They make a mean moonshine down there, though, I gotta say. Ya probably don't want to ask what's in it, but hoo boy! It packs a punch!

Yeah, I know that all too well.

[So say two of the worst people here.]

Right... Someone else mentioned that planet too. Sounds like a real fun place. A prime vacation spot. Bet the tourism is just insane.

Chorus doesn't even have enough people for any of that. It's just two armies left aaaaaand that's about it.

Oh yeah? There's some other assholes from there, here. And I use that word for a reason, they're assholes. You'd think they'd be all over the dude who's trying to fix the friggin place, but noooooo.

Well shit. Anyone gonna develop it or mine it or anything?

What, are you in charge of the planet or something? Fixing something like that seems... well, if you'll forgive the understatement of the century here, kinda tricky.

And I dunno, it was some crazy, shouting dude?

[That's a good description of Krieg, right? Basically sums it all up.]

Well, the initial plan was colonization, but then a civil war kind of got in the way of that. Now... Well. First, that has to be taken care of.

[Taken care of by him, that is.]

Yeah, basically. I'm president of the intergalactic super corps that owns it, I'm pretty much in charge of that whole little corner of space. And I had a great plan! That got screwed up by some assholes. So did my second awesome plan.

And hey, that's one of the assholes! Like, literally, that dudes has screwed me over a ton of times, and murdered my girlfriend. He's also something called a Psycho, and he eats babies.

Hey, easier to start with a clean slate, trust me. Natives can complicate things, hell of a headache working around'em.

Right, right, corporations and all that. [In his own experience it's usually government bullshit, but get far enough out into colonized space and that's not entirely unheard of.][...Okay, wait, back up.] I'm sorry, what?

["Eats babies" is not something you can just casually throw into a sentence, Jack.]

Well, all the fixing isn't really my problem anyway. By the time all of that gets going, I'll be long gone. Not gonna stick around on that shithole of a planet.

Yeah, mine's the biggest and wealthiest in the universe. Which makes me the richest, most powerful guy in the universe. It's pretty sweet.

You heard me. He's one of those cannibal natives I was talking about.

Hope you got paid well.

Corporations were never really my thing. But I gotta admit, yeah. That sounds pretty awesome. Probably sucks a lot you don't have all of that here.

Wow. Wow, okay. Now that seems like a disaster waiting to happen.

[A potentially hilarious disaster. Not like it's his problem. But even then, what the fuck.]

I will get paid well... as soon as the job's done. Should've been done already...

[Would've been done, if not for some annoying protagonists getting in the way.]

Where I come from, that's the closest thing to government floating around. And I'm working my way back up there. Got a flourishing business. Fingers in pies. We oughtta talk sometime, about our mutual interests.

[By which he means Felix's future in Team Rocket.]

You're telling me. Dude stole my prosthetic face. Well...he isn't the one who stole it, but he's the one who's got it and...doing things to it.

[Felix has already seen his face, and the mask ports, it's not like it's any big secret at this point.]

Oh, that sounds like you've got a story to share, cupcake!

S'gotta be a lot less annoying than actual governments. Never been a big fan of those, but, well. That kind of comes with the mercenary job description. [Unless it's doing jobs for shady government employees, but even then, man, those types are just no fun.] ...Well, I do like to talk.

[So that's a definite yes to a talk that's probably not wise to have on a public comm.]

...Oh, that's what that was. Now that... explains a whole lot, actually. [Even having seen Jack and having responded to Krieg's post about the mask, he hadn't put two and two together yet. To be fair, who the fuck wears a prosthetic face? That's weird.] Wow, that's... kinda fucked up.

Yeah, kind of a... sensitive story that. The classified type, you know?

[He doesn't care about confidentiality or protocol, obviously. Really, all he's saying is "not on the network", because ha ha, yeah, no, people will not like him if they know about all of this.]

Oh yeah, way better. I own armies, and people fight way better for cash than they do for ideals or any of that bullshit. Plus, robots. Good, good, we'll have a chat soon.

It's a whole thing. Guy's insane. That whole bunch of'em, they're nuts and they've got it in for me.

Say no more, I got ya. And I respect discretion. You and me? We're gonna get along just fine, buttercup.

Oh, cash is such a better motivator. As someone who's technically fought for both of those, I know that all too well. [Well, for a certain definition of ideals. It was a complicated time.] Robots with not too complex AI, I hope.

[Because fuck AI. Fuuuuuuck AI. Maybe that makes him a robo racist, but you know what, he's cool with that.]

What, is it some sorta... rebellion situation? The little people against the "big, bad" corporation?

Glad to hear it.

I'll trust a guy fighting for a paycheck over a guy fighting for a 'cause' any time. And do not get me started on AIs, buddy, we don't do that anymore. My robots are forbidden to develop any kind of personality or self awareness.

[If Felix is a robo racist, he's in good company.]

Got it in one, cupcake. A bunch of friggin bandits think it's better to be 'free' and living in literal shit and squalor than live under Hyperion's banner. I mean, we're only the most successful company in existence, and I'm the only one who's trying to do anything about the numerous clans of murderous savages...but yeah, sure. Ideals.

Smart. And yeah, that's a good call. Jesus Christ, the messes I've heard about involving AI...

[It's all fine in theory and maybe if he'd ever gotten one installed himself, he'd feel differently. But right now his only experience with it is hearing how everything went to shit with a whole bunch of them and also Epsilon and holy shit fuck Epsilon so much.]

You know, selling out has such a bad rep. People act like it's such a terrible thing to do, like they're selling their souls or something. But if they'd just try it, they'd probably find out it's not so bad.

...Also they'd end up with less bullets to the brain. Life expectancy would shoot right up.

It's more trouble than it's worth.

Finally! Somebody who talks some sense! No ideals are worth living in those conditions. Oh no, a more advanced and wealthy organization wants to fix your shitty planet, yeah, it's awful.

I dunno what's wrong with people.

People will bitch and whine about anything, it's ridiculous. Spoilers, it's because people are morons. Just... in general.

And those idealist types, they're the dumbest of them all.

[It's always better to just take the money and run. Survival first, profit second, ideals dead last in a ditch somewhere.]

I mean, hey, it creates more jobs for me, so I can't complain too much. It's the idiots of the universe that make my life more profitable.

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1st credit ✗ video

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