44th treasure [audio]

[captainash]

[For a minute, only the usual noises of a large city at night can be heard. It's only after two Meowth start arguing some distance away that someone finaly speaks.

Ash hesitated a long time, before starting this feed.]

...If I have to celebrate one more birthday in this world, I think I'm going to scream. Does anyone have any terrible birthday stories to share, or do I have to start telling my own?

Comments

[Anon, Private Text]

[callbacks]

don't even get me started

[Anon, Private Text]

[captainash]

On a scale from 1 to 10, 1 being 'my presents sucked' and 10 being 'everybody died'?

[Anon, Private Text]

[callbacks]

13
everybody died multiple times
and it wasn't even MY birthday so i got 0 presents

[Private Text]

[captainash]

Ouch.
I have now lost any right to complain about birthdays in any shape or form.
Did the birthday boy or girl at least get good loot, or were they too busy dying?

[Private Text]

[callbacks]

first time around they got a decent haul
sort of
in a weird timeways fashion it turned out we all got them the same thing
but they also had to rescue the damn things from oil slicks and monsters and plummeting cars so that was lame
also in the end it blew up in the sun
and also a couple of us did too
blow up in the sun i mean
second time around im pretty sure we were all too preoccupied with getting murdered egregiously by a multitude of supervillains to hit ebay for the perfect gift

[Private Text]

[captainash]

Oh come on. Birthday presents are like prom dresses, none of them should be identical.
That sounds like a terribly nasty way to go, though. Unless it was too swift to hurt?

[Private Text]

[callbacks]

it hurt

[Private Text]

[captainash]

Shit.
I'm sorry you had to go through that. More than once.
Did you get your revenge against the sun/whatever sent you in the sun/supervillains, at least?

[Private Text]

[callbacks]

no
last time i tried turned out to be the third time i got my stupid ass obliterated and it stuck
i am one hundred percent totally dead* this time
that was on my friend's sixteenth birthday instead of the thirteenth
same friend i mean

*for a given value of dead

[Private Text]

[captainash]

[.........]

Fucking hell.
My condolences for your own loss, I guess.
Your friend now wins the 'Worst Birthday Ever, Recurring' award. There's no prize, though.

[Private Text]

[callbacks]

the prize is unending trauma and dead friends and family
the gift that just keeps on giving

[Private Text]

[captainash]

There are plenty of ways to gain trauma and dead loved ones that are not nearly so painful.
If whoever or whatever is responsible for all that ever shows up here, they're dead.

[Private Text]

[callbacks]

would it be unsporting of me to remind you that death is sort of obviously not in play in these here parts

[Private Text]

[captainash]

Point. Guess that means settling for 'in unspeakable agony for the rest of their unending life'.

[Private Text]

[callbacks]

thats kind of a long term commitment for some anonymous dickhead you dont even know dude

[Private Text]

[captainash]

I come from a crew with standards, morals, imagination and a tendency for stupidly long term commitments. This is all within normal mission parameters.

Besides, you said yourself that part of it occurred on a thirteenth birthday. Whoever or whatever would do that to a kid deserves it.

[Private Text]

[callbacks]

[Dave doesn't answer for a while.]

what is even with me and my falling bass ackwards onto the waiting heartstrings of random soldier types
i swear i didnt mean to bring you down on your birthday dude i just
well you asked

[Private Text]

[captainash]

Don't worry about it. I'm now successfully distracted from all my birthday woes.
And possibly wondering about the possible applications of Crobat venom on child-exploding assholes and supervillains.
Possibly.

[Private Text]

[callbacks]

im pretty sure that bag of dicks is already dead
the one who tricked us into blowing up in the sun i mean
unless youre thinking of attacking a sun the size of two universes which i would hella not recommend
i also wouldnt recommend attacking a normal sized sun probably but i have less experience getting up close and personal with those so thats more of a general caution

[Private Text]

[captainash]

I can deal with armies of thousands of mobile suits, self-repairing intelligent robots with hundreds of years of battle experience hiding in asteroid fields, and the Commander-in-Chief of the Earth Federal Forces at his angriest and most xenophobic.
A sun, either normal or the size of two universes, is probably beyond my abilities.
That's disappointing.

[Private Text]

[callbacks]

how are you with dogs

[Private Text]

[captainash]

I'm good with the sort of dogs that can breathe fire or bite a Psychic-type unconscious. Regular dogs, I have no clue. Why?

[Private Text]

[callbacks]

cause the other two times i died were because of dogs
one armed hatedogs that can fly and teleport and use swords
would that suit you better than trying to fight the sun

[Private Text]

[captainash]

How big are they, and how quickly can they teleport?
Because I'm a decent mobile suit pilot, but smaller targets that are faster than me could conceivably be annoying to hit.

[Private Text]

[callbacks]

theyre about human size i guess and can teleport with roughly the speed of thought so maybe like
just let it go
i wasnt really being serious anyway and you shouldnt either