victory_road | FOURTH WALL MINGLE LOG

[The sound of Bertolt laughing is the best thing Reiner has heard in a long, long time. He could listen to this every day for the rest of his life and never get tired of it.]

[But then Bertolt kisses him, and Reiner's heart jogs in his chest. Stupid, stupid, stupid, still carrying a torch for his childhood friend, for something that can never be. Reiner isn't a virgin any longer--there are always Marleyans willing to slum it with Eldians, even more so when it's with an Eldians that has a titan, someone they can beat and abuse and not have to worry about doing any permanent damage--but that simple, completely platonic kiss has his heart hammering like he's suddenly thirteen years old again and waking up in the barracks with Bertolt's arm thrown across his chest. So stupid, so very, very stupid, pining for so long after something that was never going to happen.]

He's not a jerk. He came when I whistled. Even brought me a stick.

[See? Good dog!]

_{[Bertolt doesn't know what to do with his torch. It sits in his heart, but Bertolt has always been too afraid to lift it lest it end up extinguished by an outside force or worse, the person it's for. He doesn't want to think about a future where that happens, so instead of risking it, he keeps it safe.

He keeps it hidden from everyone but himself, his hands shielding the flames from prying eyes even when it burns and leaves him hurting. Bertolt can't be hurt by anyone else if they don't know, right?

Wiping at his eyes with the back of his wrist, Bertolt sniffles again and shakes his head.]}

He's so a jerk. He kicks me and Jean in our tent and he sprawls out across us and nearly suffocates me at night.

_{[But despite all of that, he doesn't sound upset by it. It's what makes Marcel who he is, and Bertolt wouldn't give him up for the world.]}

H-He'd bring anyone a stick if he liked them.

[Jean. Now there's someone Reiner hasn't thought about in a long time. Jean, who was almost kind when they were running from the woods with the entire force of the Survey Corps at their heels. Jean, who spoke up when Hange had had her blade at Reiner's throat, slicing into his neck. Jean, who had prevented Reiner's murder.]

[Jean, who should have kept his fucking mouth shut.]

Jean is here?

[Reiner tries to keep his voice level, but he can't help the tension that creeps into it. If Jean is here, that means others could be here too, and his grip tightens around Bertolt. Who? Who else is here?]

[Somewhere along the way, he stopped believing this was a dream, and maybe the faintest flame of hope fans in his chest. What if... what if this is real? What if he can stay? What if he and Bertolt can run away together, somewhere safe, and not be bothered by anyone else, ever again? What if this is a second chance?]

_{[Were it anyone else, this is where Bertolt would be squirming in discomfort to try and escape.

Even when he protested back in the barracks, he never minded when Reiner squeezed his shoulder a little too tight when things got dicey, so he doesn't bat an eye when he feels Reiner's arms tightening around his ribcage. It's a dull ache, but it's a very welcome one.]}

Yeah.

_{[Bertolt hesitates for a few moments, then slowly brings his hands up to cover Reiner's nape and buries his face back into the crook of his neck. It's fine if he sits here like this, isn't it?]}

Jean's been here since a little before me. Eren and Armin are too. And Sasha. Krista just showed up the other day. They, uh... They don't remember everything like I do though. Krista knows what I know too, but... It's weird.

[Bertolt's hands on his nape almost get Reiner crying again. How dare you, Bert? How dare you protect him when he doesn't deserve it? He lets Bertolt keep his face in his neck, though, even as his arms tighten a little more. He's older now, and heavier, stronger. He doesn't even think about how he might be damaging Bertolt, assuming he can steam it all away.]

Eren.

[The word is like a curse on Reiner's lips, and his titan crackles under his skin, aching to escape.]

How much do they know? Are you a prisoner?

_{[Even if Reiner hurt him in some way, he wouldn't say a word. Even if he drew blood, Bertolt wouldn't say anything. He may never outweigh Reiner but if there was one thing he was proud of, it was that he could stand on even ground in a fight with him.]}

O-Only what happened during the expedition. Krista knows about Utgard, just like me. She told me about Ymir. _{[A beat, and he swipes his thumb across his nape, the action done without realizing it.]}

They don't know anything else.

_{[I'm okay.]}

[Reiner sighs, and his grip loosens. He doesn't let Bertolt go--for however long this lasts, he doesn't intend on letting him go--but he doesn't have a death grip on him anymore. He keeps his hand over Bertolt's nape, even as Bertolt tells him that they don't know. That he's safe.]

[But for how long?]

They're going to find out. [His voice is strained, filled with pain; this is another thing he doesn't talk about, another thing he can hardly admit to.] I'm going to fuck it up, and tell Eren, and...

[And oh gods, this hurts worse than he thought it would, and Reiner hides his face in Bertolt's shoulder.]

You're going to die, Bertolt. You're going to die saving me, and it's all my fault.

_{[You're going to die.

Of course he was. Bertolt knew for a long time that he'd die, and it wasn't even by his choice. They were all going to, and all they ever were and will be are short-lived mass murderers. Everyone else can grow old together, but not them.

They'd be lucky to see their mid twenties.

Hearing Reiner blaming himself makes him feel sick, and now it's Bertolt's turn to squeeze too tight. He's nauseous and it feels like a vice is squeezing at his innards, but he pushes himself past it. He has to.]}

...Tell me.

[For something he's kept bottled up for years, Reiner finds the words coming easily now. Back when it had happened, he'd been too numb, too damaged, to speak of it, and there'd been talk that he looked like a victim of the Purity Titan. Zeke had had to give the reports, and it had only been when he'd described Bertolt as weak that Reiner had broken through his grief and spoken up.]

["He wasn't weak. He was braver than all the rest of us put together."]

[He'd been punished for that, and would have lost his titan over it if not for the war breaking out. Reiner doesn't think Zeke has ever really forgiven him for speaking out of turn.]

I... I was in my titan, and I got damaged. I was regenerating, but not fast enough. You... you were supposed to explode, to take out all our enemies, but...

[Reiner has to stop and swallow; he hadn't had the top of his head for most of this, but he can still see it. He had seen Bertolt's face and heard his voice when he hadn't even had eyes or ears, and Reiner shudders, hot tears leaking onto Bertolt's shoulder.]

You didn't explode. You stopped, and told me to roll over so the blast wouldn't kill me, and...

[And now he's really crying, fast and hard, soaking Bertolt's sweater. The little tree ghost thing that had been following Reiner comes closer and lays a cool, smoky hand on his shoulder.]

And I did, and I lived, but you... they got you. Our enemies got you, and if you hadn't stopped they wouldn't have, and why? Why did you stop for me?

_{[Zeke had always been terrifying to Bertolt. Even when he was friendly, he was still a frightening man.

As Reiner speaks, Bertolt keeps himself where he is - he doesn't move beyond rubbing at his nape, his thumb massaging the thick column of muscle at his neck. He hates seeing Reiner breaking like this, and Bertolt hates it even more knowing that he's the cause of it all.

Especially when he can feel Reiner's tears through both layers of clothing. That alone makes Bertolt bring the hand not at his neck up and into Reiner's hair to cradle his head, his body shaking with the effort to keep himself composed. A small part of him wants to cry liar, but he knows that the only one lying would be Bertolt. Reiner has never kept the truth from him, even when things were getting bad. He was always honest with him.

Why did you stop for me?]}

I don't...

_{Bertolt was the liar. He was unreliable, always deferring to Reiner when it came to big decisions. He always let him take charge, and look where that had gotten everyone. If Bertolt hadn't stood idle, then maybe they'd have been able to go home sooner.

He could tell him. Bertolt could tell him right here and now, why he'd stop for him. He could be crazy and impulsive and throw all of his cards on the table rather than keeping them close to his chest. He could be honest for once. He doesn't know why he'd stop in that situation, but at the same time he wants to believe he knows.]}

I... I couldn't lose you.

_{[Bertolt doesn't know how his future self thinks, but that's what he wants to believe.]}

[Reiner cries for a long time, a cry that's been four years in the making, a cry he could only have in the arms of one person. He lets it all out, and Bertolt's words only make him cry harder. I couldn't lose you. And yet Reiner lost Bertolt, and that's not a fair trade. That's not a fair trade at all.]

[Eventually, the tears taper off, and Reiner makes a snuffling sound. He's definitely gotten tears and snot all over Bertolt's sweater, and when he sits back, he can't meet Bertolt's eyes.]

I'm sorry. For everything.

[For getting lost in being a soldier, for not being there when Bertolt needed him, for not anticipating the thunder spears and needing Bertolt to stop and save him. And he's sorry for other things too, for all the words he could never say, until it was too late.]

I'm sorry I couldn't save you.

_{[That's fine, Bertolt thinks. That's fine, because he doesn't know if he can look Reiner in the eye either. It's not that he's upset - he could never be upset with him for very long, and there's no way he can be upset over that. Nobody could've foreseen it, right?

While Reiner cries, Bertolt bites the inside of his cheek to keep himself from starting up again. It pains him to hear Reiner so vulnerable, and when Reiner pulls back, Bertolt pays the condition of his sweater no mind. He's had worse happen to it (especially with Marcel and the 'litter' of Growlithe he had) and he can easily buy a new one in town.

Bertolt swallows the lump in his throat before he speaks, and while he doesn't force Reiner to look at him, Bertolt ducks his head down to press their foreheads together. He may not be able to say everything he wants, but he could say some of it.]}

You don't have to apologize. I-I always...

_{[Taking a deep breath, Bertolt exhales in shuddering breaths as he wills himself to stay level.]}

I've always gone along with what other people wanted me to do, even if I didn't want to. I'm-I'm doing it here, too, but I don't... _{[Bertolt doesn't know how to assert himself here. He tries, but it's never good enough in his eyes.]} If I did what I was supposed to do, I would've killed you.

_{[It's getting harder and harder to swallow the lumps that keep forming in his throat to the point where it's nearly painful, but he can't stop. Even as his voice wavers with each word, he refuses to stop.]}

I made my own choice. I-I made the choice to save the person I...

_{[He can't say it. He wants to lift that torch so damn bad, but he can't.

So instead, Bertolt forces a smile.]}

B-But we're together here! We can... We can do whatever we want, and nobody can stop us.

[It's exactly what PIeck said, the one time she and Reiner had talked about it. She'd been there that day, she'd heard Bertolt's screams too, and later, when Reiner had been numb and inconsolable with grief, she'd sat next to him and said almost those exact words.]

[He made his choice. He chose to save you, and you can't blame yourself for the consequences of that.]

[Hearing Bertolt say the same thing is like a great weight lifting off Reiner's shoulders, a weight he's been carrying ever since that day in Shinganshina. He takes a breath, and it feels like he's breathing freely for the first time in four years. Bertolt doesn't blame him. Bertolt isn't angry.]

[Reiner lunges forward for another hug, dragging Bertolt close and putting his face back into his neck. I love you. But he can't say it, saying it makes it real and would make this world pop like a soap bubble, so instead he just mouths it against the collar of Bertolt's shirt before sitting up again.]

So we are.

[The faintest, more fragile slip of a smile starts at the corner of Reiner's mouth.]

What should we do first?

_{[Bertolt knows it's risky, but when Reiner buries his face into his neck, he turns his head a little to plant a small kiss to the crown of his head. He feels a little embarrassed, but it's just the two of them. There was nothing wrong with showing comfort and affection like that, right? Nobody had really batted an eye back home to some of the more harmless things.

It feels different though - somehow, it just does.

His hand doesn't leave Reiner's nape, and for a moment he has the urge to do something incredibly impulsive and incredibly stupid. He doesn't, though. It'd probably end up ruining everything, so instead Bertolt brings himself back in to bump foreheads, his eyes sliding shut.]}

...Everything? _{[A beat, and Bertolt gently squeezes the back of his neck.]} I... When was the last time you ate? Town isn't that far, and we can ride on Marcel's back.

No.

[Reiner's answer is instant, and he claps both hands on the back of Bertolt's neck, the gesture both protective and possessive at the same time.]

I don't... no towns. Not yet.

[Towns mean people, and people means the rest of the 104th, and Reiner isn't sure how he'd react to seeing any of them. He can't guarantee he wouldn't transform, right then and there, and grab Bertolt to whisk him away. He failed him once; it won't happen again.]

[With their foreheads together, it gives Reiner a moment to think, and he reaches an easy conclusion.]

Can we just... stay out here for awhile? Tell me about this place?

[And why the weird little tree ghost thing keeps following him?]

Where'd you get your dog?

Okay.

_{[He doesn't argue, he doesn't question. He has food in his backpack that he can easily send Marcel to fetch, along with some other things in there. He stuck the little camera inside of it too--

Pictures.

He's going to want pictures.]}

I can try. I'm still learning as I go here.

_{[Bertolt keeps his voice soft, almost as if he's sharing secrets or staying up late at night in the barracks talking all over again. He doesn't have to raise his voice to be heard with Reiner, and he can feel a surge of giddiness rising in his chest. There is so much he wants to tell him, but he doesn't know where to start.]}

I didn't really get him, honestly. He sort of, well... He got me. When I woke up here he wouldn't leave me alone and someone told me he was mine. _{[He bites his lip for a moment, then snorts lightly.]}

We weren't really allowed to have dogs of our own before, so I was terrified I was going to mess something up. And, uh... He's not really like any ordinary dog we've seen before. _{[Excluding his size and markings, of course.]}

[There is something softly reminiscent about the whole atmosphere here, and Reiner lets his eyes drift to half-mast. He can still see Bertolt, but he's gone fuzzy around the edges, half formed and nebulous, but his voice is just how Reiner remembers it. He sounds the same, eternally young and beautiful, and Reiner thinks he could fall asleep tonight listening to Bertolt talk.]

What's different about him?

[Besides his size, of course.]

[As he listens, Reiner starts to relax, lulled by the sound of Bertolt's voice, and something turns over in his chest, something he thought had died a long time ago. He links his fingers together behind Bertolt's neck, the gesture less protective now, and sways back and forth a little.]

_{[It feels like dancing.

He never quite learned the modern dances that exist in this world, but he knew how to dance a little bit. The slow ones were something Bertolt had always wanted to try with someone, but he doesn't exactly know too many girls here and he doubted a guy would want to dance with another guy.

It's nice, though. If Bertolt had more courage, he'd even ask Reiner.]}

I've gotten him to run faster than any horse we've ridden and he, ah... He can breathe fire, too.

_{[Bertolt knows it's got to be hard to believe, but he isn't afraid to prove it if he has to.]}

[If Bertolt wants to dance, Reiner will dance with him. He can't promise that he's any good at it, but he's willing to try. He's willing to try anything Bertolt wants him to do.]

What?

[Reiner glances at Marcel the dog, who is sitting nearby. When they make eye contact, the dog waves his fluffy tail back and forth and pants.]

He... he just looks like a regular dog.

[Reiner makes no move to get up and investigate, though. He's perfectly content to stay here forever, with Bertolt in his arms, just swaying back and forth and talking like they used to. If this is a dream, he never wants it to end.]

_{[I-It's not like he thought about it during prom a lot! Baka.]}

He's like a furnace, though. When I first got here, it was almost winter but it's like I didn't even notice at night when he'd curl up with me.

_{[Bertolt pulls one hand away to pat the ground, coaxing Marcel to come closer and just sort of. Flop down to curl up around the two of them. It's some extra protection to ensure they won't be caught off guard by anyone who comes through the area, too!]}

I could show you tonight? I, ah... I could have him get my bag and we could start a campfire and sleep out here.

[When and if Reiner ever hears about the prom, he'll regret that he couldn't be there. It sounds a lot like the fancy balls the Marleyans have, which he's never gone to but has heard a lot about.]

Wish we'd had him around during training, then.

[Or, you know, his namesake. That would have been good too. Maybe with two friends around to keep him in check, Reiner wouldn't have ended up the way he did.]

[When the dog flops around him, Reiner oofs a little in surprise. That is one BIG dog! But Bertolt is right, he is like a fluffy furnace, and it's nice being surrounded by fluff and heat.]

I'd like that. A lot.

[One of the last days Reiner had been happy had been that last night, camping out on Wall Maria, with Zeke retreating to his own tent and just himself and Bertolt out on the wall. They'd watched the stars come out, and sat close to each other, their shoulders touching, and he closes his eyes to let the memory wash over him. Four years later, here he is again, getting ready to camp out with Bertolt, and maybe this time, tomorrow will be better.]

We could watch the stars come out. They have stars here, right?

_{[Both of them would've been fantastic to have around during training.

While Marcel's a massive fluff beast, Bertolt wouldn't shrink him or trade him for something smaller. He's perfect the way he is, even if he ends up getting a mouthful of fur in the mornings!]}

Yeah. They've got a lot of things here, uh... Hang on.

_{[Bertolt twists himself around a little to fish his 'gear from his pocket, and he sends off a quick message to Jean and the others;}Be back in the morning. Have Marcel with me, so I'll be okay. Message if you need me,
- B_{Even if the others don't get it right away, at least Bertolt knows Jean will pass it on.]}

They've got boats and stuff here too, but those are over by the ocean. _{[And Bertolt refuses to go on the bigger ones like the ferries, but shhh.]}

Edited 2017-05-31 01:26 (UTC)

[Reiner watches as Bertolt plays with a same, colorful thing that he doesn't understand, but he doesn't question it. Maybe later, he'll want to know all about what it is, but right now, it just takes Bertolt away from him, and he doesn't want that. As soon as Bertolt puts the thing down, Reiner has his arms back around him, pulling him in close.]

[This is... this is pretty clearly more than platonic, and Reiner is surprised Bertolt isn't calling him out on it. Reiner is older now, not comfortable, exactly, with who and what he is--can any warrior really be?--but at least familiar with it, and he can look back on his time with Bertolt and realize that he'd spent more of it being horribly, hideously gay towards him. The Marleyans call men like Reiner fancy boys, always spoken with a sneer, even if they're undoing their belts to 'teach them a lesson,' but Reiner can't deny what he is. He also can't deny that he's been stupidly, madly in love with Bertolt his entire life, and Bertolt's early death hadn't changed his feelings one bit.]

[When Bertolt brings up boats, Reiner makes a face.]

No boats. No ocean. [He leans in again and puts his head on Bertolt's shoulder.] I just want to stay here for as long as we can.

[Forever? How does forever sound?]

_{[Hearing Reiner's refusal about boats only makes Bertolt snort, his nose wrinkling with a small flash of teeth. No boats. He can definitely work with that, and without realizing it, Bertolt's lets his hands wander down to grip the sides of Reiner's shirt as if it'd keep him anchored here. There'll be time to show him pictures of everywhere he's been later, right? He can do that then.

Though he's certain Reiner can feel his heartbeat picking up, Bertolt does his best to ignore it. Come on, stupid heart. Stop that. You are going to give him away or make it seem like he's nervous or uncomfortable. Stop it.]}

Good. I, uh... I got really sick on the boats. _{[Was he ever that bad with boats when they were kids? He barely remembers.

With Reiner's head back on his shoulder, Bertolt hesitates for a moment before he tilts his head to touch them together. This was nice, wasn't it? He wants to believe the others will understand why he didn't come back for the rest of the day. And maybe tomorrow, too.]} ...You're not going to vanish, right?

FOURTH WALL MINGLE LOG

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

1/2

2/2

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)